10 Surprising Parenting Tips
Whenever I meet a fellow mom, I feel like I’ve struck gold, since I know that during 20 minutes of chatting, they’ll probably end up dropping a legit helpful parenting hack. On that note, I asked a few parents their tried-and-true tips, and here’s what they said…
Something I’ve learned myself:
1. Always keep small trash bags on hand — in your car, in the stroller, in your bag. Diaper blow-outs happen when you least expect it, and having a having a bag to throw it in when there are no trash cans available lowers stress levels by 1000%.
From Angela:
2. When our children are within earshot, my husband and I will let them overhear us talking about them in a good way. I’ll call out something like ‘Did you notice how Alo tried hard to put on his shoes this morning?’ or ‘Did you notice that Talula created an art piece today?’ Kids love hearing you brag about them!
From Miranda:
3. Bibliotherapy is great for young children, of course — like prepping a preschooler for moving houses with picture books — but there are wonderful chapter books out there, too. If your nine-year-old is struggling with a dyslexia diagnosis (Fish In a Tree), or your 10-year-old has a chronic illness (Not Quite a Ghost), or your 12-year-old is grieving a family member (Show Me A Sign), books can open up conversations about hard things and help your kid feel less alone.
4. My partner and I say ‘thank you’ to each other for making dinner, and now our children do, too. It goes a long way towards making me feel warm and fuzzy, and also helps them to understand the care and labor that goes into putting food on the table every night.
From Destini:
5. As parents, we try to stay calm, but you don’t need to be perfectly regulated when parenting. Narrating your emotions out loud — like saying, ‘I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath before I speak’ — helps your child learn what to do with big feelings. Kids can see how regulation works in real life and realize that emotions aren’t scary or something to suppress; they’re just signals to slow down and make a choice.
From Mo:
6. Give your child a responsibility that helps the whole family. If they’re older, that could be running to the corner store to get a pint of ice cream for dessert. For younger ones, that could be watering the garden. Every time I do this with my kids, they crush it and remind me how capable they are. It’s also important for kids to feel like they’re contributing to the success of the whole family.
7. If you have a larger family, keep things as simple as possible. Our four kids have assigned seats at the table so there’s no squabbling over who sits where, and the tooth fairy leaves $1 for every tooth (even though she really wanted to add sparkles and a note!).
From Laurel:
8. My kids (four and six) and I discovered the Magic Woods podcast last year, and it’s beautiful, funny and weird. There are a zillion episodes, all with the same characters, telling one super long story. The creator’s voice is soothing, and he does different voices for all the animals.
From Youngna:
9. I recently took my nine-year-old to a store to find an outfit for a recital. Between hand-me-downs and COVID, she’d never been clothes shopping in person, so trying on clothes in a dressing room felt thrilling. It reminded me that everything can be novel to a kid; it doesn’t have to be some big adventure.
From Ruth:
10. When I feel like I’ve been spending an eternity with my kid and I’m counting the minutes until her nap time so I can go do the laundry/finish the email/go pee, I physically get down to her level and watch her. I look at her eyelashes as she’s searching for a banana car on the page of a book. I watch her mouth make funny shapes as she figures out how to get a sticker off a table. I see her toes curl and uncurl as she reaches for something. Or I’ll realize how much her nose looks just like mine. Being in those moments helps me remember that — sure, there’s a lot to do, and this is just another day out of thousands — but seeing my kid engaging with the world (and me!) in all these little ways is a pretty incredible thing.
Thank you so much, parents. What would you add?
P.S. More surprising parenting tips and trying out slow parenting.
(Top photo by Diane Durongpisitkul/Stocksy. Bottom photo by Jannelle Sanchez.)
Comments
204 commentsWow. All of these are so so needed right now. Thank you, CoJ community! For real for real, my husband and I are STRUGGLING trying to decide if we go for three or stay at two. I don’t know if anyone else out there has that same internal battle, but I would love some advice from people who took the leap. I know there isn’t a parent out there who would say, “This wasn’t worth it,” because that’s essentially wishing your third child away. However, I would love to hear the down-in-the-trenches feedback on what it’s like — pros, cons, and things people don’t realize! I am a middle child and I sometimes wonder if there are any middle children out there who legitimately love being a middle child. Anyway, sending this question out into the void (IYKYK) and hoping for some guidance.
When we were trying to decide whether to have a third child, the best advice someone gave to me was to think about how you imagine your family to be like when the kids are older. The exhausting baby/toddler stage goes by (relatively!) quickly and while of course there can be challenges at every age, it gets easier. I came from a family of 5 kids so I liked the idea of a full, busy home even though it meant going through the sleep-deprived nights and toilet training all over again. There were sacrifices we made because of our decision but for us it was the right one. And we KNEW we were done at 3, there was no question!
I am currently pregnant with my third and alternate daily between being so excited and terrified as to how we are going to handle another one. It was a tough decision for us and my husband was firmly a NO. The reason we went for it is because my husband is an only child and my only sibling has no children. Thus, my kids were destined to grow up in a “small” family (not like me who had lots of cousins and big family gatherings)! Seeing how much we depend on our family and how much our families love our children is what ultimately convinced my husband – we know it will be hard while they are little but we wanted them (and us) to have a “big” family when they grow up! That being said, I am still in the easy phase so I will report back.
We had a surprise third, when we were on the fence. Seth Meyers has a great bit on how parents of 3 kids are the best because we really can let the unimportant stuff go, there is no time for it. I find that to be very true in our lives and I see how it improves independence in my kids and other families with 3 kids or more. Personally, if I had been younger, I would have gone for a fourth. Often, two of them gang up on one leaving the third out, but also, they rotate who they buddy up with, so it mostly evens out.
My parenting advice: “It’s an inside job.” Instead of working on your child, you have to work on being the best version of yourself. You can’t give away what you don’t possess yourself.
When my son was a baby he hardly slept, which meant that I hardly slept, and was struggling a fair bit with this. I heard a piece of advice though that really stuck with me. When your baby wakes up and you first come and see them in their cot or wherever they are, try to smile (even if you don’t feel like smiling( and look happy to see them. This goes a long way for babies to feel comfortable and secure. It seemed to work pretty well for my son. I also have realised until I heard that advice that I had been unconsciously looking pretty grumpy when he woke up just because of my tiredness and how hard it is to care for a newborn. I later used that same approach when working in a high school, in a wellbeing capacity, and dealing with students who were struggling. I always tried to appear as though I was happy to see them (even if I wasn’t!) because starting off your interaction in a positive way (showing by your facial expression that you consider them with unconditional positive regard) can really help with whatever comes next.
As the mother of a 6 month old, the last one is so helpful and relatable!
oh, tip #10! so, so good.
I grew up in a home where I felt very unseen (now I know that “emotional neglect” could be used to describe my childhood). When my daughter turned the age I was when a lot of the major damage started to happen (7 or 8), I started to get so worried that I would mess up as a mother and she’d wind up in therapy just like me. But my therapist has thankfully encouraged me over and over that I have a relationship with my daughter that includes apology and repair. If I mess up, I apologize, even if it takes a couple days to come back to something. I didn’t really understand how powerful that is until I thought about what it would be like if my own mom came to me today and apologized for what she did (mostly didn’t do) in my childhood. It would change my life and be so healing. So remembering that, and striving to be that type of mother, helps me stay grounded. There was actually a great example of this in Marian Schembari’s book, A Little Less Broken, when her mom finds out about Marian’s autism diagnosis as an adult and expresses regret that she wasn’t supporting Marian as a child like she needed, and then said something like, “That must have been so hard for you.” Such a powerful moment in the book!
I love this so much, Joy. Thank you for sharing x
Joy I had one parent who apologised and another who did not. I still profoundly remember how seen I felt by my father who often apologised. If was him I went to when I failed a subject, needed advice or otherwise wanted to feel safe in whatever I said. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
I feel this Joy and do this with my kids too. I know I could have saved years of therapy if my parents had just said to me on their own volition, “I was so wrong and it shouldn’t have happened. I’m so sorry.”
Thanks to the couple of commenters on this thread who are moms and admitted they are not their kid’s preferred parent at the moment. I’m in this position, and even though I know it’s normal (and maybe even a good sign), sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that it’s my fault my baby doesn’t like me as much as their dad. Your comments made me feel less lonely and eased my worries that I’m a “bad mom”
This happened to me with each of my children around the 1-2 year old age. They are all close in age, so with the first two it may have been some kind of reaction to me being pregnant again. But it was so difficult and I felt like such a failure. They are now all between 10 and 14 years old and I have such a special relationship with each of them. I can see now that it was just one of many phases those relationships have gone through. You are doing great. It will feel different in a bit.
Pillow talk! I lie next to my son in bed as he’s going to sleep and we chat about our days. It’s the moment he (and I!) feel most comfortable to discuss difficult things or big feelings. It’s dark, we’re side by side – I think that makes the difference.
OK – ISO specific advice: My beautiful, perfect 4.5 year old was looking in the bathroom mirror the other night after we brushed teeth and I said “How ya feeling?” as I often ask her to check in the mirror and make sure she likes what she’s wearing, or feels confident, etc. Dear Reader, the child looked at me and pouted and said “I LOOK FAT!” Of course I did the opposite of what you’re supposed to do, and REACTED (and this particular child loves a reaction) by saying “What are you talking about! Where did you hear that?” Because I’m certain she’s never heard it from me, or in our home. Because of my reaction, she pouted a little more because she liked the attention, but I dropped it and it hasn’t come up again. BUT WHEN IT DOES…. what do I say? What do I do? I can’t believe that statement came out of her little 4.5 year old mouth!!!! She’s our oldest and doesn’t have many, if any “older” influences, is very active and physically capable. Our home culture: we talk about food as fuel and bodies needing to be strong so we can run faster and play longer… Mom and dad occasionally exercise, I own a scale, but really – body images are all pretty healthy! So I think we’re doing the right stuff at home, I just need a good script for THAT statement!?
Hi Emily, I highly recommend you check out the work of Virginia Sole-Smith! She has a book called Fat Talk that is all about how to talk about bodies and anti-fatness with your kids, and her newsletter Burnt Toast is also a great resource.
Maybe that’s what she thought. Or a statement she wanted to try out. Can she only feel confident, girlboss, amazing…
She almost certainly saw someone else do this exact thing, perhaps at school or with extended family? I had a similar experience where I took a photo of a young girl (5?) and she came and looked at the photo and said (“I look terrible, take it again!”). Kids love to try on “adult” expressions and try to emulate. If it comes up again, I would use it as a chance to talk about body image and see what comes out – kids that age say the most interesting things! Or, stand with her in the mirror and say how you YOU feel about your own reflections: Some example questions / comments: What makes you say that? What makes you strong, skinny, frail, fat? How do you look when you are happy, sad, concerned, excited? How do you feel when you stand up nice and tall? When you slouch? Look at me flex my muscles! I think you look strong, healthy, and beautiful – look at your muscles, look how tall you are now, look how your cheeks glow! Must be all the running around you are doing and healthy foods you are eating.
Fat is a way bodies can be, and she has learnt from somewhere (and it’s everywhere, I wouldn’t bother trying to figure out a culprit!) that fat equals bad. When you talk about this being a body image issue, it collates fatness with poor body image and self esteem. I’d ask yourself what your goal is – is it to make sure she never “feels fat” or to ensure that if she is fat, she’s okay with herself. If you want her to grow up not equating weight with worth, don’t wait until this comes up again. Actively talk to your children about how bodies are all different and how we aren’t hugely in control of how they look and function, despite what zillions of advertisements tell us. Teach them how to care for their bodies and teach them the vast number of things beyond their looks and weight that make them worthy and lovable. Because if it isn’t weight, she’ll grow up worrying about something else to do with her perfect-as-it-is body and that’s such a waste of her time. As for when it does come up? Curiosity is better than scripts. “What do you know about fat?” “What do you think about being fat?” Questions and listening will help you understand what she’s thinking and what she’s learned and help you navigate it from there.
love the comment about virginia sole-smith. for me, it has been so helpful to relearn how to think about size as something neutral, and i feel so lucky that i got to learn about body positivity, anti-fatness, and feminism when i was relatively young. thanks for being thoughtful about how to talk about these things with your daughter!
I’ve tried, “No, you’re [insert name] and you will always be [insert name]. You HAVE fat, just like you HAVE muscles and bones and hair and blood. But you ARE [insert name].” It helped with my daughter, I think. I want her to identify with who she is, and what she looks like physically. (And I tell myself this sometimes, too!)
I agree with some other commenters that at this age she really might just be “trying out” the comment, especially to see your reaction. My daughter (who has always been “robust,” as her pediatrician put it when she was a baby!) said a couple comments like that around that age, but it wasn’t until she was 6 or so that she really started to notice others around her and compare her size. So for now maybe just wait to see if it comes up again (because if your kid is anything like mine, if she senses a certain energy around a topic, you better believe she’s gonna keep pressing on it). When my daughter was at her 8-year-old well child visit, her pediatrician unfortunately started talking about her BMI being high, and my daughter immediately translated that to mean she was fat. It took many, many conversations and a lot of listening for her to come back around to her previously healthy self-esteem and self-acceptance. But at that age, probably what you are doing is enough!
My preschooler and I just read a very sweet picture book called The Belly Song by Mother Moon that could be helpful. It celebrates all different bodies and uses the descriptor fat without negativity.
Never underestimate what you’re children are capable of doing and understanding. Sometimes we need to simplify a concept or talk about it in different way, but you can see her piecing things together and asking follow up questions to fill in gaps. It’s amazing what they can grasp, even if it’s not a complete understanding. Also, despite what we were told by some, you can go a lot of places with young children if you are realistic and flexible with schedules and expectations. We decided everyone would be happier if we could go experience the thing, but it needed to be on a timeline and pace our child could handle. Sometimes we don’t make it through the entire thing we’re doing, and that’s okay! We either pivot (should we get a snack? walk around? look at something else?)or just bail when we can see her ability to “hang” is dwindling. A more…tactile tip: bring a pack of wipes everywhere. They are useful for more than just baby bottoms. Keep them in your car, your bag, your pocket– you just never know and you’ll be so happy you have them when you need them!
To expand on #8, podcasts!!!! In the car, at the house, at a restaurant, running errands (I give each of my 2 kids one of my bluetooth earbuds if we’re out-and-about)… Podcasts seem to help with boredom/grouchiness so much better than watching a tablet. Greeking Out, But Why, Brains On, and Wow in the World are some favorites. Audiobooks for longer road trips.
Thank you so much for your recommendations!
Totally agree!! Although for us, it’s Yoto Daily (the podcast that plays through the yoto audio player) or stories on her Yoto player. This helps my 3 year old stay regulated during meal time; otherwise she gets too bored!
My parenting life changed when I gave myself permission to enjoy Home Happy Hour. When the grueling hour of 4:00 rolled around, my two young girls and I turned up the music and I enjoyed wine or coffee or a sparkling mocktail depending on the day. They enjoyed a show and I enjoyed listening to NPR and making dinner. The trade-off of some screen time & a beverage for a smiling mom & giggling kids- a bargain. And when it was time to sit down for dinner, we were genuinely happy to be in each other’s company. Additionally- 4x a year I went away for an overnight. Ate what I wanted and when I wanted, slept alone!, and thought nothing of peeing when I had to. . . or driving straight through. It kept me in touch with who I was when I wasn’t a mother. My 16 and 18 year old daughters now create joy where they are and are always up for an adventure.
I listen to my kids. I cannot tell you how many times we’ve talked about Pokémon or something else that I have exactly zero interest in- but I do it and feign great interest (by asking questions)because I want them to know I love them and care about what they are interested in. I want them to be able to talk to me. I’m crossing my fingers that this works in the teen years! (10 and 9 year old)
So many Pokemon conversations! It paid off in my kids’ teen years.
Kids open up most when they aren’t looking directly at you. There are so many ways to get kids to talk-from the littlest ones to older teens-and most of them are through less eye contact not more. A dark car on a quiet night is one-with a little kid seated behind you or a big one beside you, you’ll be surprised what is revealed. Ask you child to join you for a walk and I promise you, you’ll learn more than you will at the dinner table. Go for a run, sit outside in warm weather together or next to each other on an airplane. Even bicycling side by side does the trick. I’m not sure why this is the case but it works!
Yes!
Bedtime, after all the lights are out and we are listening to a song is when my son opens up!
This has also been the case in my marriage! My husband and I’d best conversations are when we are walking or cycling side by side. Something about the movement is soothing and matches the flow of the conversation.
I have also noticed this is the case, but I’m hearing-impaired, and I need to be able to read their lips to be able to hear them. My workarounds? My husband is not hearing-impaired. He does the work that I cannot. We are truly a parental team. How’s that for a Valentine’s appreciation?
On the note of garbage bags, for any of the dog parents reading, throwing a roll of poop bags into whatever bag you’re carrying will come in handy for whatever messy surprises come your way.
Big believer in always having a garbage bag at the ready. My kids are currently 9, 11, and 13 and I’ve learned to make it a resealable bag (i.e. ziploc). While I don’t regularly use single-use plastics, those have saved us in so many varied ways and I feel zero guilt. I hope some form of man-purse takes off in fashion; men also being prepared like Mary Poppins would really take some mental load off of being a woman.
I have several more serious ones: 1. Start talking about melatonin, color, race, injustice, history etc. long before elementary school. 2. White parents – Make a real effort to diversify your social circles. The benefits of knowing and being around other people of color will benefit your kids. Sending white kids off to elementary school to meet the first kids of color they have interacted with? Not great for the kids of color. 2. Do NOT play the news around kids if you don’t have the capacity to talk through it with them – young kids process everything, and without context they can become incredibly confused. My Black daughter is 6, was recently told (by a friend) that Trump is deporting all the brown kids, and that he wanted to protect her. This weight is not on her to carry. I talked with his parents, who said they just play the news nonstop. Of course he made this leap in thinking.
Really great points, thank you <3 I could not agree more about keeping the news off around kids. I spent a lot of sleepless hours as a young child being freaked out about something I overheard on the news that no one took the time to explain to me. (This is also something to keep in mind about adult conversations and things kids might overhear in contexts like family parties or at church, etc.)
Co-sign the idea of NOT playing news around kids. “Too much, too fast, too soon” can really harm kids.
Before we moved across the country, I wrote my 3yo son a book with us as the characters. I wrote about what might be scary (what about all my toys?) and exciting (living near grandma and grandpa), and laid out exactly what would happen (we would be on a plane and our things would be on a moving truck). We started reading it to him about a month before the move and it helped a lot. Making a book is easier than you think. If you’re not a writer, use Chat GPT. And Canva has beautiful images. You can make the pages photo-sized and print them at CVS or upload them to a photo book website.
One of my top parenting tip would be to take some time off! If you have little ones or are a homeschool family, parenting is a 24/7 job. A few years ago my husband and I started each having a “night off” each week. This set evening is something I look forward to in the days prior as a much-needed break (especially from the clean-up/bedtime routine!). I get to do anything at all that I want without arranging “other care”, even taking a kid out on a date! When our kids were younger, this weekly event got them used to both parents being primary care- givers at different times. I am so grateful for the chance to miss my family a little each week!
Yes! We do this too, with a weekday evening each and trading off every Sunday afternoon. It’s a life changer.
This is a genius idea, thank you! I feel like my hubby and I are quietly resentful or each other’s alone time in the evenings (especially when planned last minute), whether it’s an extra long solo walk or a night out with friends. Having it explicitly arranged is a great plan so we both know we will get our chance.
As a retired preschool teacher (35 years), and grandma to 4 great girls, it gives me so much joy to see all the great advice that you are sharing. The fact you see your children and their needs so well in addition to acknowledging your own needs is incredible. Right now I look at experiences with my grands as memories that I get to build with them for them. Even when children are young, they won’t necessarily remember the events or words but they will remember the feelings of being loved and valued. Keep doing and sharing all your experiences and wisdom. As someone who has seen a lot of parenting both good and bad, you all are amazing. I have great hopes for our future generations.
Thank you for your kind words. It is very validating as a parent of a young one to know that the older generation is proud of how we’re trying to raise our kids. Your grandchildren are so lucky to have your love and care. I don’t have a lot of memories of my grandma but I distinctly remember knowing that she loved and adored me and still carry it with me to this day, decades after I last saw her.
Adding onto your tip Janelle about always having a trash bag on hand, dog poop bags are fantastic. They are the right size and compact!
I actually think I read this advice here on CoJ but I use it every day – smile when your kid enters the room. When I wake up my toddler, when he gets home from daycare, when I walk in the door after running an errand… I give him the biggest smile and let him know I am so happy to see him.
Me too! Read this here years ago and since then, whenever my kids enter the door from school, I tell them how good it is to seem them back.
When my kid was first learning to talk, I wrote down all the hilarious things he said (in a Google doc, on my smartphone). At the end of the year, I would pair these up with photos of him and make books. Now he’s 14 and we ALL get a kick looking back at these!
Janine, I had the same idea but used a blank journal from the start. I’d write what our daughter said and the date; sometimes she would dictate stories to me and draw pictures. Then she wanted to write a bit herself. We cherish this keepsake many years later, although the journal is sadly starting to fall apart.
I do this, too! I email them all to myself with the same subject so it’s easy to search at the end of the year. Then I do a quick Walgreens book at. Christmas every year. Such treasures to look back on!
Hold up a shirt and peek through the neck hole with you on the outside of the shirt- don’t say anything and the child will not be able to resist running to you, and then you can quickly drop the shirt over their head. Great for staying playful after bath when you just want to get them into bed.
Love these, but as I’m navigating teen years, would love the advice from this wise group
Yes, I agree. I first found this blog when I had my baby (now a teen) – like Jo… so it is a new narrative to see the same kinds of posts written by someone new…. until now it was like we were all ageing along together. (Also, sadly I suspect there are not a lot answers to rising a teen… except to compliment them all the time! They need it. School and their friends can be ruthless).
Take nothing personally especially when it most feels personal. Teens are like toddlers-a lot of touching the walls and trying things out. Much in the later teen years is around the brain understanding that soon it’s time to leave home. Oh and show up. To the game, the meet, the show, the school function. Show up as often and as happily as you can. One day soon they’ll be out of the house and you will miss sitting in a high school gym for half of a Saturday.
“One day soon they’ll be out of the house and you will miss sitting in a high school gym for half of a Saturday.” Oh Emily this is my life right now with 13-year old soccer-obsessed twins. I so needed this reminder – thank you!
I have three kids age 7 and under, and my best practical tip is to plan for everything to take double (or in our case, triple) the time it should normally take to do anything. I HATE rushing, so I just plan in extra time (when I can) for basically everything. My theoretical tip is from Dr. Becky- the idea of family jobs. My job as a mom is to be a “sturdy leader”- to set boundaries, to guide by example, to show the kids how much I love and value them. The kids’ jobs are to push boundaries, to make mistakes/messes, basically to wreck sh*t up.- that’s how they learn! It can be so hard to deal with certain behaviors, but when I frame it as, “well, they are just doing their job!” it magically makes me a little bit less irritated.
I love her advice so much!
As a person who is about to become a parent, I greatly appreciate this post! I am struggling to feel prepared at 5 months pregnant. Any tips for post-partum, must have baby registry items, or general newborn, sleepless nights tips? Thank you!
Congratulations! That is so exciting! I remember feeling exactly the same way. Some of the best advice I received: in the beginning, babies don’t need much, so don’t sweat it if you don’t have every gadget or the nursery isn’t perfect. My advice? Go EASY on yourself. The postpartum period is so tender and beautiful and dreamy and raw and sometimes difficult. Your experience will be beautifully your own — there might be something you’ve heard is difficult that ends up being a nonissue for you, and something that seemingly comes naturally to everyone else might be really hard for you. You won’t know till you get there, and that’s okay. You’re going to be amazing.
Same here :)
Congratulations! A friend of mine with kids older than mine would remind me that everything is a phase, especially with newborns/infants. Sometimes that is sad, but when they won’t nap or nighttime sleep is rough and just getting a shower for myself was a challenge, that reminder definitely helped.
Hugest congrats mama!! My greatest piece of advice is: ASK FOR HELP. You will feel like you want to do it all on your own, that your baby only needs or wants YOU, but it’s so easy to burn out in those first few months. Let people help you. And also: none of these stages are permanent. You will have your nights back, you will sleep again, your clothes will once again be clean. You got this ❤️
Congratulations, Amanda! I wish I had known that my baby might not sleep in his crib during those first few weeks. I tried to set him down and he refused. This meant that my partner and I ended up taking shifts holding him through the night. I would discuss this possibility with your partner and support system in advance and make a plan. Save a few good TV shows to binge during the long nights and, of course, stock up on all the snacks!
Amanda! Email me at seattleandreea at gmail and I can help!
As Dr. Spock said: you know more than you think you do. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask questions and you certainly SHOULD ask for help. But trust yourself. You’re a smart person and you’re going to do this very well.
Be where you are. Focus on your baby as much in the moment as possible. The future will come! But worrying about toddler years, preschoolers, all of that doesn’t help. Just be the parent your baby needs in the moment. You’ll be ready for being a toddler mum when your baby is a toddler but when they’re a newborn be a newborn mum. Keep it simple. Look after yourself. That isn’t meant to be trite advice either. Eat as decently as reasonable, drink water (lots of it!), and rest. Rest does not have to be sleep. Let your brain breathe when it can. Watch whatever you want while doing long feeds. TV and movie ratings do not apply to newborns! Listen to audiobooks and podcasts. Or just classical music or nature ambiences. White noise is magic. How to Keep House While Drowning may be a useful book – laundry etc is morally neutral. Babywearing is brilliant. Walking does everyone good. Go one day and one night at a time. One hour if need be. You’ve got this!
Hi! I wrote these tips when my baby was very little so that I’d never forget and could share them with future parents! Hope they help: https://smoothliminal.com/2023/09/17/tips-for-the-early-days/
When feeling overwhelmed with a baby snoozing in your arms and the inevitable pile of laundry is waiting for your attention or an email needs returning or dinner needs to get cleaned up..genuinely ask yourself “where else would I rather be?” That simple question allowed me to zoom out to the big picture and released so much frustration because, in truth, there was nowhere I would have rather been than with a sweet baby in my arms. Even if it meant other things had to wait. And always, always be gentle with yourself.
If you’re planning to breastfeed: hydration, hydration, hydration! I ended up buying a 64 oz water bottle because I was tired of refilling my smaller one so often. Silverettes will save your nipples, and the My Brest Friend nursing pillow is truly that. Sleepless nights tips: Loop earplugs will take the edge off your baby’s cries, but still allow you to hear what you need to. And for white noise, you don’t need the Hatch – the DreamEgg is just as effective at a fraction of the cost.
This is not tactical at all but something that helps me in every aspect of everything…reminder that whether exquisite or excruciating, it’s just like this for now. Got it from a rando influencer, hopefully no one unsavory said it originally. Enjoy this sweet sweet time :)
My best tip is when it is really hard and overwhelming- remember that it is all a short lived phase. They will start sleeping in the crib through the night, they will eventually be potty trained, they will do it in their own time and you’ll look back and wonder how it was ever hard.
I have a 13 month old now and it’s AMAZING! I’ve never been so happy. When I look back at the first few weeks/months they seem like they flew by. There were really hard times, what with sleep deprivation, sore nipples, witching hour and many other normal challenges. Just try to find the good moments and really take them in. The hard stuff will pass, and hopefully you have several support people you can talk to, cry in front of. Congratulations, babies are incredible.
Congrats Amanda! What made a huge difference for my wellbeing during those early months was seeing PEOPLE every day. I started doing MOPS at a nearby church I don’t even attend and just meeting up with friends and neighbors pretty much immediately. Stroller walks (with friends or solo) were my life, even if I was a mess and we had to reschedule twice because of naps and feeing, etc. I’m an extrovert and nature lover, so getting out was essential. On that note, a sturdy jogging stroller was my most loved baby gear, used for each kid until kindergarten! I’d say think about what makes you feel most centered, most yourself and lean into that as this transition approaches. You’re ready :)
My best tip Amanda – the bad times won’t last (though neither will the good times!) Don’t panic that anything you do in the early months (especially re. sleep) is going to ‘ruin’ your baby. It 100% will not. Babies change SO FAST! So do the things that allow your baby to fit into your life in the way that feels best to you – no matter what the books/instas say.
Strong agree on the relatively minimal needs for newborns – don’t sweat getting tons of stuff ahead of time. We didn’t have a pack’n’play, swing, rocker, for a few weeks in. Basically no real toys for months. It will be very easy to acquire stuff later – people will bring gifts, friends will give you second-hand stuff, you can get stuff from Target or Amazon overnight when you realize you need it. Don’t sweat getting everything all at once. Main things we had and used right from the beginning was: Crib & sheets, swaddles, stroller + carseat (get out for walks asap!!), pump and teeny bottles, clothes in a few sizes (second hand is great as you can get clothes in a range of sizes and then not need to buy anything for 6+ months!), diapers/wipes/lotion, and a few different kinds of pacifiers (also nice to get second hand/from friends as they will have some different brands to try). We did have a monitor but honestly in the first few months you’re basically never far from the baby. We started off playing white noise on youtube on a phone near the crib before getting an actual machine. Lots of things that are marketed as special and necessary for babies (bath towels, burp cloths, stroller/nursing covers, etc.) don’t need to be bought new; we just used normal towels, dish clothes, a scarf/sheet, and so on. That’s pretty logical but can be hard to remember when we’re bombarded by advertising. Things like most toys, feeding stuff like plates/spoons/cups/bibs, bath stuff, other furniture (high chairs, play tables), etc. are not gonna be needed for months. So simplify and try not to sweat that now! Regarding the sleepless nights, I echo the comment about taking it basically one hour at a time, and the morning will come and will (most likely) make things feel better. Even when I was feeling like crap at 5am and not wanting it to be almost morning, once I saw the sun rise and went to make coffee I would feel so much better. Congratulations, and reaaaaaaaally try to enjoy downtime in the months before the birth!
Congratulations! Some basic advice that helped me: 1) lean on your community for food and support, yes, but if they are distant, then a chest freezer or freezer stash is your best friend. Freezer burritos (chipotle style, indian curry wraps, or breakfast burritos!) are especially amazing, reheat fast, and can be eaten with one hand while holding a baby. Cannot stress how great this was for my husband and I. 2) “Target will still be open.” Yes, get some basics in store (diapers, swaddles, a few onesies, a thing of formula as backup, pumping supplies if that’s your thing, a basic nursery setup–bassinet or crib, mattress, changing table, diaper disposal), but you don’t need to have everything figured out, and you can always get that next thing you need. 3) Find out which local grocery stores do delivery and practice that process at least once before baby arrives. Then treat yourself those first sleepy months. 4) Postpartum can be rough, and people don’t talk about it (or, our patriarchal public discourse doesn’t have space for it; *moms* talk about it plenty.) Reddit has a lot of great threads with women sharing their experiences if you need a good “is this normal?” check. And, like with babies themselves, it is a process with different phases. Maybe check out local pelvic floor PT options before your due date so you can get on a doc’s schedule if you need it, or just go ahead and schedule an appointment a few weeks out as a check in. 5. Every baby is different, so don’t judge yourself based on what other people are experiencing. They also just have to learn how to do everything. EVERYTHING. So, if your baby can’t sleep well yet, trust they are working on it. 6. Have a few shows you are excited to watch lined up for those late night feeding/pumping sessions, or for afternoons when you are too tired to do anything but too awake to sleep. This is the season to splurge on that streaming service you don’t have. It can make waking up late a pleasure. Audiobooks are also wonderful if you don’t want to have screens on, but need something to pay attention to in the wee hours. 7. Talk to other moms and new dads. They will know so much, and having gone through something which just isn’t really discussed or talked about publicly, most new parents in my experience are so happy to share what they know. 8. If your partner is male, don’t shield him from the toll of postpartum or breastfeeding/pumping. Engage with him on this stuff. Encourage him to engage with other new dads *as* new dads. Let him develop the same competencies you are developing (ie, let him mess up and learn just as you had to). Bonding (literally, the hormones that encourage it) comes from the activity of caring for the baby.
It’s ok to not enjoy every minute! Some of the minutes are pure joy and others are… just not that enjoyable. Give yourself grace in the less lovely moments. (Also, stock up on easy to grab food for the very early days… think things you can eat with one hand!).
Make friends with other mums on maternity leave! Go to the baby yoga, baby groups, whatever appeals to you. Three hours sleep is so much better when you’re walking around a park drinking coffee and chatting vs sitting alone in your house! Get outdoors, get social, and ENJOY those baby contact naps!!! Congrats 💛
The first 6 weeks, before baby figures out the day/night thing, I just let go of any expectations of any kind of routine, or order to anything. Like everything was just optional – getting dressed before dinner or at all, making any plans, getting out of the house. After 6 weeks, we started to ease back into regular life. I found it very helpful to just get rid of any expectations that the first month or so would be anything else than a fourth trimester.
One upping the first tip to keep small trash bags around – I bought a multi-pack of doggy poop bags (you know, the rolls of like, 200 bags….) when my daughter was born. She’s 4.5 now and we have a younger son, and we’re STILL using them! They fit in the smallest of places, and are so useful!!
I am well past the diaper stage with my kids, but still live by Janelle’s advice to keep small trash bags (I use the rolls for dog poop) in the car and even in my purse. They come in handy constantly, from collecting trash on a long road trip to catching vomit when my middle child gets car sick to carrying a bunch of ketchup packets when we get takeaway before heading to the park. Rolls of dog poo bags are my parenting secret weapon!
Same here, with bathroom rolls 😉
Best piece of parenting advice I’ve learned through many tough mornings: start the morning off on the right foot! As soon as I hear their little footsteps or their door creak open, I make sure to make the biggest deal possible that they’re there. Not loudly, not obnoxiously, just a subtle acknowledgment that I’m happy to see them in as much optimism as I can muster. “Oh wow! You’re awake, I’ve missed you! Tell me about your dreams.” “Is that [child’s name]? I can’t wait to tell you about [insert random interesting fact about something they love]. I’m so glad I remembered!” “It’s you! I was hoping you’d be up soon!” They always smile when they hear something positive to start the day and I always feel good about giving them a great nugget start their morning. Sometimes they’re still grumpy. Sometimes they’re still sleepy. I lean into that and, if there’s time, I’ll ask if they want to rest a little longer on the couch in a blanket or lounge in their bed for a bit. If there’s no time, I’ll just acknowledge their feelings and keep swimming forward in a sea of upbeat vibes…even if I’m not feeling it, the fake it til you make it strategy usually works!
Oh Toni – this is a lovely idea! I’m going to steal this and do it with my three year old!!
There is sooo much laundry. So I don’t fold it! All the kids’ clean clothes go into a pile and then right into their drawers. They don’t care if it wrinkles, and neither do I.
Mind blown. Can I do this? Did you just change my life???
Wait…are other people folding kid laundry?! It’ll be folded the day they’re old enough to fold it themselves:)
Wait. You put it the clean laundry into drawers? I just let mine live in the “clean laundry” basket (and then there’s the “dirty laundry” basket). The kids can route around and find what they want and just dump everything back in the clean laundry basket.
@Katie Jameson below, I never fold kid clothes either. I’m lucky if I get it in the right drawer. They absolutely don’t care. Sometimes they even sleep in their school clothes to save getting dressed in the morning. Do what makes life easier!! Why would you fold kid clothes?!
I honestly don’t mind folding kid laundry because it drives me more nuts to see it all shoved in a basket or a drawer. My son (3.5) has his “jobs” with the laundry – he has to put his socks and underwear away. And honestly it gives me time to spend with him but sitting down. He will often play around me while I fold. I’m also very precise in how I fold his laundry, which, based on the comments here, I feel like would blow people’s minds! haha
Normalize weird feelings! So much of childhood (especially puberty) just feels… weird. You have to go an event and you’re kind of excited but also… maybe it’ll be boring and you’ll get trapped talking to old people for too long? Normal feeling! You are having trouble falling asleep and are getting anxious that you can’t sleep? Normal feeling! You want to be a good friend but are so sick of trying to be nice when your friend is endlessly moping about a boy who is both a jerk and not at all into her? Normal feeling! You’ve barely started getting boobs and everything fits weird and you feel awkward? Normal feeling! Childhood is one big weird journey, and if you can show your kids that growing up is universally weird and awkward and actually pretty hilarious, the more confident they’ll feel.
Maybe controversial, but… let your kids see you and your spouse/partner argue sometimes (obviously not about every topic, and not about something that could get personal or heated)! The narrative that parents shouldn’t trouble kids with their issues and should always present a unified front I find really damaging, both because it sets unreasonable and unhealthy expectations for relationships (if you never saw your parents argue, you have no context for what is ‘normal’ relationship conflict), but also, because that is the only way kids get to see adults model how to talk through and resolve their issues. So if you’re frustrated that your partner said they’d make dinner and didn’t tell you that work piled on and they wouldn’t have time to cook until 5:30… it’s okay to talk about that with your partner in front of your kids! Show them that you can speak up for your needs in a relationship, that you can listen to your partner’s frustrations, and that you can work together to solve problems. And as a complement, let your kids see your love and affection – appreciate your partner in front of them and notice out loud the ways they love and support you and your family (“thanks for making the coffee and emptying the dishwasher before I even got up!” or “Your dad noticed I was running low on tampons and bought more when he went to the pharmacy without having to ask – that’s so awesome.”). Parenting isn’t just about raising kids, it’s about modeling adulthood, and to do that honestly we need to not close off all the complexities of adult relationships.
Love that!
Absolutely! And I’d emphasize… show the resolution process. I’m sure I heard this on a podcast somewhere – a doctor was talking about how those of us in our 30’s and 40’s now likely heard our parents argue when we were children, but they stopped “to protect the kids”. And then we missed out on how the argument was resolved. Let your kids see the whole cycle so that they have some idea of how to work through their own frustrations with others.
Modeling of all kinds is critical. We used very specific language on conflict resolution where I taught and I would hear back from parents that they were learning from their children to use this language in their homes.
Yes! My parents argued and resolved in front of me; my husband’s parents did not. It made it really challenging when we were first married, because he assumed that every small disagreement meant we were getting divorced because married people don’t disagree (!). I just assumed we were figuring out how to proceed with the topic. We do disagree in front of our kids and he agrees it’s healthy and necessary, but it took time.
I don’t have kids, but this was a sweet read. The second tip reminded me of something I’ve learned that is great for navigatin relationships as an adult too: talk well about people behind their back! When I first started out at my job, I’ve heard from other people that my coworker, who had to teach me everything, was very happy with me. It felt amazing to “overhear” I was doing a good job when I was so nervous, and it made me eternally loyal to her. Her choice benefitted the both of us.
I have two boys and they wear uniforms to school. So when the laundry is done, the uniforms go in a separate drawer from regular clothes. The baseball uniform gets its own spot. The orchestra concert clothes get hung together. The less we have to scatter when getting ready for things the better. And I buy them their own sock brand and underwear brand. No staring at it trying to guess the size which color toe goes with this color toe. It can all go in their pile and less on my brain. I have a drawer of make your own cards and for birthday parties the kids make a card and we give $20 as the present.
And here’s another hint for keeping clothes together: well before an event (such as Christmas) iron an outfit if necessary, put it on a hanger, then slip a bag over the hanger handle containing EVERYTHING else needed…undies, socks, even a hair band or bows. I learned this one frantic day when I had to run to a department store to buy a white button down shirt because I couldn’t find the one buried in the laundry room. Some mistakes you only make once!
The tip about little adventures like shopping for clothes reminded me of taking my almost 8 year old to a mall for the first time recently. Again, due to COVID/shopping more online/living in a city I guess we never made it to a mall. As we were walking around he asked with wonder “What is this place?” It made me chuckle. Two tips I read on COJ long ago still resonate with me—one is try to find a way to get to “yes” and also the importance of getting down on the floor for uninterrupted playtime with kids. Nowadays we are too busy, always running to get to the next activity. But, my son will still ask if we can play something or do something and even when I’m tempted to say no because we need to pack the hockey bag to get to practice or we need to start making dinner or whatever, I try to say say let’s play that quick game of ping pong or whatever it is. We aren’t down on the floor as much, but I still think this is important to him.
We took our kids to the mall for an indoor mini golf place a couple weeks ago. We entered through Macy’s and had to explain department stores to them. They were amazed that we walked through furniture, toys, clothes, shoes, and makeup/perfume all IN ONE STORE before making it to the mall. It cracked us up!
Love so much of this advice. My tip is to do with limiting the number of decisions you have to make in a given day eg what’s for dinner? What’s for lunch? Where are we going after preschool? What are we doing this weekend? What clothes should I wear? What clothes should my kid wear? Etc etc. ANY amount of forward planning I can do is worth its weight in gold. We eat the same 7 dinners every single week right now lol, and the same lunch every single day! I lay out clothes night before and book in weekend stuff the weekend prior. I find I’m then better able to make good and thoughtful decisions when I need to because my head is less spaghetti and more lasagne sheet. I find I’m more patient and just generally less stressed out. Also, I almost always eat faster than my little one so when I finish, instead of tidying away, doing dishes, getting on with chores etc I read him a book (or 3) whilst he finishes his food. I’ve come to really cherish doing that, a really chilled out and happy time together.
Less spaghetti and more lasagna! I love that!
There used to be an advert on our TV and I genuinely cant remember what it was for but I remember it was a Mum and a daughter sitting in a car and the Mum always telling the little girl to be quiet and then wondering why her child wouldnt speak to her as a teenager. The “tag line” was (and I am paraphrasing this) “if you dont listen to them when they are young, they wont tell you their issues when they are old”. I was in my early 20s at the time and had no thoughts of having kids but it really stuck with them. Now when my 12 year old is telling me every single detail of her life and both my husband and I want to die of boredom, I always remind him that if we listen to all this, she is more likely to tell us everything else. It does seem to be working as she shows me messages, tells me about what she got up to with her friends, who is arguing with who, what she thinks of various issues in the world so yes that would be my top tip!! My second tip is (and I might have got it from here), when they are little, dont ask them how their day was at school or if anything happened. Ask them who they played with, did someone make them laugh, did someone make them sad etc etc. Far more likely to tell you stuff rather than a shrug of their shoulders and a reply of “cant remember” :)
Love your tip! I remember reading here “take their joys and their worries seriously” and thinking about how well my mom did that as early as I can remember. I hope to do it as well as she did (and still does :)
My sister was like this. When she 5/6 years old, she would just yammer on, no breaths taken. That all stopped when one day our dad basically told her to shut up. She wouldn’t say anything to him. She would tell our mom some of her troubles, but she clammed up. Fast-forward 25 years and she still keeps things close to her chest. She’s more open with me about her anxiety and depression, but she has never forgotten how awful dad was saying that to her.
When I was a preteen and everyone was concerned about teens saying “like” too much, there was parenting advice that parents should click or snap or beep or something when kids said “like.” When my mom would do it, I remember how quickly it killed my interest in talking to her – it felt like she cared more about policing my diction than listening to what I had to say.
I love number 10. As a mom to two under three, I use a technique I read in the comment section of Cup of Jo (obviously!). The comment suggested to do a meditation when feeling bored or overwhelmed when you are with your kids – focus on something you can see, hear and feel. It really helps me take me out of my head and relaxes me back into the moment.
This is just a little practical tip for when youre feeling overwhelmed by the noise of a favourite toy. Put a piece of sellotape across the speaker holes and it will mute the sound by 50%!
Yes! This saved me when my kids were little!
Who would’ve guessed some tape would do the trick?!! I used to take the batteries out when mine wasn’t around and then say it was broken. Hahaha!
WOW THANK YOU
Our son, couldn’t walk until he was 28 month and hardly speaks. Everybody thought he would know the cause: birth, covid-vaccination during pregnancy, stroller walks, parents didn’t train enough, wrong food… This week after 8 month searching, we got the diagnosis, surprisingly, He has a rare genetic developmental disorder. Nobodys fault, just one litten mistake nature did randomly. If you are a parent: There are a lot of reasons why your kid is doing what it does. It must not be your fault, even if a lot of people think it is.
Don’t interrupt a happy child. Obviously there’s caveats, but if a kid is playing safely and happily and you’ve nowhere to be, let them play, don’t correct them or interrupt … firstly, they’re in flow, secondly – you’re off the hook!
I got something similar from a CoJ post/comment – “Don’t try to make a happy kid happier”. My husband is more of a culprit at this than me – he gets excited and wants to show our kid something new or cool when he’s already playing nicely/with focus. I want to tell him to just chill until we need a new distraction!
This is super important from a child development point of view. They definitely need the flow and you get to enjoy the moments of looking into the world as they see it.
I love number 10. When I feel overwhelmed with everything that comes with being a busy, working mom: the dishes, cooking, work, activities, etc etc, I take a deep breath and remind myself ‘this exact moment is the littlest you will ever be’ and I try to slow down and soak it all up.
We subscribed to several science magazines and the current issues resided on the dining room table. Most dinners, one of our teens would pick a cool article to talk about. It sounds awful, but they totally loved the “Darwin Awards” series of books about people who did stupid things that “took them out of the gene pool.” These books were a huge dinner time hit! It made family dinner with teens surprisingly fun…
My family loved the Darwin Award books when we were teens too. Then we’d kind of play a morbid game of choosing which way you would have rather gone.
Ha! Love this.
Any instruction ot request is infinitely more agreeable to a child if it is sung rather than spoken (or shouted). When I feel my temperature rising I sing instead of yell. It helps me to keep my temper and catches kids attention in a way that yelling never does.
I don’t have kids but just came here to say how beautiful that picture of you and your daughter is. That’s the sort of picture that she’ll look at when she’s twenty and say “wow, look at Mum! She’s so beautiful.”
Thank you so much! xx
This is honestly not related to this post, but I want to see if you all have any advice. I’m in a master’s program and there is a sweet, quiet, funny guy I really like in my cohort. We’ve been spending more time than usual one-on-one together, though I invited him (to hikes, a museum). But I also notice he moved around his schedule to do those things, continued the long hang outs, and ended up studying with me and walking towards our houses together often. I’m starting to really have a crush but I don’t know if he just sees me as a friend. I keep willing myself to ask him on one of those walks in the dark, but somehow I don’t have the guts… any tips? I guess I’ve made it to my mid-twenties without ever telling a guy I liked them.
Hi Allie, I’m also in my mid-twenties. I’ve asked people out lots of times (I’m a woman so perhaps not as conventional for me to do so) and honestly only with about a 50% success rate. It’s an incredibly hard thing to do, sometimes I can barely hear myself speak over how fast my heart is rattling from anxiety. However, I never regret an instance of doing it – at least you know where they stand and even ‘no’ gives closure. Since it sounds like you’re currently friends maybe also acknowledge that you’re happy to continue that way if that’s what he wants so he has an easy non-awkward way to redirect the convo if he prefers friends. The other thing is, you don’t have to rush into it, perhaps a natural moment will appear. Good luck!
Next time you’re spending time with him, like it’s a nice, hike and your conversation is a good solid one, ask him how he envisions his future. Keep it broad and see how he interprets that and how he answers.
BTW, I signed off sooner than I anticipated. If you’re spending a lot of time and having good conversation, the type that you’re satisfied and fulfilled with, chances are that he respects your honesty, and vice versa. I had gotten to a point with this guy, similar to your situation, that I had gotten to know at college, who I could tell was very thoughtful, though shy, from the conversations I had. After a semester of it, I decided to let him know that I thought he was a special person and figured that if he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t string me along or play me, but would simply let me know, and I resolved that I would still want to remain friends because he is such a good person even after being turned down. 30+ years together, and almost 28 years married now. It never hurts to ask, as they say…or as Wayne Gretsky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” (or something like that. Good luck, I’m rooting for you!
Soooo my suggestion would be to close the physical space between you a little and see if he moves away. I mean stuff like touching elbows, not suddenly grabbing his butt (you don’t sound like the sort of person who would do that but I don’t want to be misinterpreted – I’m not a touchy feely person so dunking a toe in the water of physical connection is a big deal to me!). If he doesn’t move away I would say that’s a clue that he might like you in his space. Having said that, he might just be more comfortable being close to people than I am :D. Also, what Lee and Anon Mom say. You HAVE to let us know how it goes!!
This might be tough to hear – he’s not that into you. A guy who likes you in a romantic way will ask you out. They are going to be direct and very obvious. Even the shyest, sweetest, funniest, awkwardest guy I’ve dated before made it known that they like me. Crushes are fun – if you are having a good time, have a good time! Especially in your 20s! But if you’re hoping to be his girlfriend, I’d say look elsewhere.
I have to disagree with Rose! It’s unreasonable to assume that everyone operates in the same way. The tips from the other commenters are helpful and time might make things more obvious. Go for it – we’re cheering for you!
I had a stretch in my 20s of a pretty inactive love life. I was good single for a while, and then met someone that I actually liked. I told him one night while a group of us were hanging out at a bar (only he and I were part of this conversation though). I think I was feeling courageous because I was a few years older than him? And because he was SO kind. I think I just said – so do you think you’d ever want to date me? And he said… No! But it was okay! It was such an honest and kind conversation, and he shared something with me at that time that I hadn’t known and wouldn’t have guessed, part of why he wasn’t up for dating. I was so grateful to have the information, and we remained friends. And I swear – everything changed for me after that. I became fearless!! I asked so many nice guys out after that. Some said yes, some said no, but it was always okay either way. I learned so much about myself, gained so much confidence, and it all helped prime me for when I finally met my now husband – who I asked our first. All that to say – I think go for it! Come up with a sentence beforehand that feels a comfortable as possible. Could just be – hey I like you. Are you into me that way too?
I don’t know if this will help, but once there was a guy I knew casually through mutual friends and I had no clue that he liked me, until he straight out asked me, “Would you like to go on a date with me?” I loved how straightforward and clear he was about his intentions! (I said yes to the date). Maybe that would work for you? I know the possibility of rejection can be tough!
I have read this blog and the comments for years and never commented, yet I felt compelled after reading Rose’s over simplified and stereotypical portrayal of “guys”. Allie, please disregard that and take the advice of the others. It sounds to me like he is definitely interested in you but may be a bit shy, and/or not sure how to take the next step. Perhaps he is a bit intimidated by you and your social invitations (NOT a bad thing; he most likely admires it, and maybe doesn’t know how to reciprocate). I am an outgoing, friendly and talkative person. When I was younger many guys mistook this for my romantic interest in them, and many quiet guys who I actually was interested in thought I was just being friendly. My point is, I think this connection you two share sounds sweet and special and is working its way toward something more. It might take a little more time than you are used to, and it’s probably worth the wait.
On one of your walks home, tell him that you like him and ask if he would like to go on a date to a restaurant or some fun event. Use the word date. He might say no and act a little weird for a bit, or more likely he will be excited and say yes. I’ve had it go both ways–they were into it and they weren’t into it. Mainly, every time I’ve felt relief that I knew where I stood and could act accordingly.
Thank you all so much for your sweet words and advice! I finally got the guts to say something today, after he and I spent some more hours together and were walking home. It sounded like he had felt a similar vibe, but is in the throes of getting over a first, long-term relationship that ended not too long ago. It was really scary to say something, but I’m glad I did. I learned a lot more about him, and I’m glad I don’t have to guess about his feelings anymore.
@Allie, Thanks for offering up an update. And Yay! Good on you for speaking up and getting it out in the open. I hope you’ll continue to enjoy his friendship while he settles his own heart and mind, and just see where all that organically leads you. Best of luck, just keep being uniquely you!
Way to go Allie!! I came back here to see if there were any updates. Thanks for sharing. Good for you!
Yesssss…. I came back for the update too. Whoop! More info is always better and I hope you guys have a long happy relationship in whatever form it takes – friends or more :)
Another update – we ended up sort of rushing into something together. I think I was putting a fair bit of pressure on him, since I thought I’d be moving soon (I decided not to after we had called things off, but not because of him). It seems he’s not ready for dating, and not sure of what he wants in that regard, or at least maybe not me (though he said really liked me and lots of confusing things). We were physically intimate and then he wanted to turn the clock back to just being friends. It’s sad in the end to see the way this turned out.
Fun tip for hiking with little legs: Retell them movies from your childhood that they likely haven’t seen. My kids loved hearing me tell the plot of Aladdin and the Little Mermaid, and they forgot all about all the steps they were taking. Or have them retell their favorite episodes of shows they watch. Somehow a 7 minute episode of Grizzy and the Lemmings took 25 minutes to retell and I didn’t get a single complaint that entire time!
This is ingenious, I will be using it to cure many a moment ripe for boredom/complaints! You sound like an amazing parent. Thanks for the tip :)
When my son was young a friend died very unexpectedly. I became completely unmoored. I felt that anything bad could happen at any time in the world and there was no way I could protect my child from it. I had a few sessions with an amazing counsellor. He told me the point of parenting wasn’t to protect my child from bad things or feelings, but to build up his inner story of ‘bad things happen, we work through it, life goes on.’ Now whenever something tricky happens I try to remember that and help add to that story. This may be by problem solving solutions, telling stories of when you went though something hard/stressful/unpleasant when you were young or just being with them and acknowledging they’re in a tricky spot. Freeing myself from having to make the world smooth for my son made parenting a lot less stressful.
I love this Nicola! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this. I’ve been really struggling with the news and my lack of control and inability to protect my sweet toddler from the world. But my job isn’t to protect him. My job is to raise him to be able to handle it. Truly this thought made me cry and feel like that’s something I can actually try to do.
Don’t forget the power of prayers, like I pray so my baby’s head is still attached to the rest of her body when she wakes up in the morning.
I am praying with you too. And I am sorry that all the work the average person can do hasn’t been enough to fight the powers that force you to have to pray for your baby in that way.
I imagine I read tip/thought here as well: this is your child’s life, too. We just took our kid on a Big Trip around Vietnam, Europe and the UK. We made sure to remember that this was a once-in-a-lifetime trip for all of us, so it’s important that he also had great experiences as well. If that meant occasionally holding up an adult because he was hopping and skipping paving stones on the footpath, so be it! Adults hold up other people all the time as well. Adults do annoying things like standing right at the edge of a baggage carousel, when if everyone took a giant step back everyone could see and then step forward when their bag arrived! I digress… it’s striking that balance about having awareness about other people, being kind, but also being able to be a kid, too, getting to enjoy childhood and be an active family participant. Gosh, this sounds preachy and clinical but I say it with the best intentions. :)
As an 18 year old, this post is really insightful since I am planning on having kids someday. It is so fascinating that parents often feel like they need to be superhuman, when in reality, the kids just need to be shown good character and habits!
Does anyone have any book recommendations for my older elementary son who gets overwhelmed by his anger emotions? Both for mommy and him to read?
I don’t remember any specific books but I did get some when my son was having issues with anger. What was most helpful was putting the books in a corner nook, with stuffies and anger-diffusing toys, a calming poster in the wall (from Amazon with instructions like ‘take a deep breath’). I sourced all this from Amazon (yes, the 😈 Amazon ) . And most importantly it was the habit we created. When he was angry we said something like ‘let’s go to your calm spot and choose a calming activity’. Over time it really did work. It was hard when we were away from the house at first, but in the end it was all really about the self-driven activity of doing something that helps him calm down, and creating and going to this space when he was at home built that habit.
ALSO getting the Purble calming toy really helped. It will vibrate and make noise if you squeeze or shake it, but it calms down when you stroke its ear. My son loved it because it’s cute, and it modeled the self-calming behavior we wanted him to learn
Maybe try Cow in a Parking Lot. It’s for adults but easy to read with short narratives to illustrate anger and its effects plus exercises you can do.
For you, you might want to try Ross Greene’s Explosive Child. I also think that Destiny, from the comments in the main article, has a lot of great advice about co-regulation and dealing with big emotions on her Instagram ( if you click on her name in the post it links to her Instagram).
We have loved Ravi’s Roar! It’s about a youngest sibling who is growing increasingly frustrated by the injustices in his life (sister got the last ice cream, had to share a seat on the bus etc) until he explodes with anger and turns into a tiger. My daughter (now 8) also gets overwhelmed with anger sometimes and I think she has appreciated seeing these seemingly small slights be taken seriously and also the visualization of anger as a wild tiger – something she can really see and wrap her head around. On another note though… one of the very best things we’ve done to help our whole family navigate her big emotions is to find a really great therapist for her. The therapist helped us all find regulation and calming techniques, helps my kid work through the root of her issues and understand her own brain. My child is Gifted – not twice exceptional, but regular gifted – and her therapist has helped us understand the gap between her cognitively advanced intellectual brain and her normal little kid emotional self. The asynchronous brain development of gifted kids can be a roller coaster! If that’s your son, don’t hesitate to find someone to help. Here in Colorado, we have an incredible program called I MATTER that gives kids 6 free sessions with a therapist and many other states have those programs too. Wishing you well!
“What to do when your temper flares,” by Dawn Huebner. We read bits of it sporadically as needed, when he seems to be having a hard time.
Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate all these thoughtful responses. Hugs to you all!!
I think one thing I have learned is sometimes taking a longer time to do something slowly with a child in the moment saves you a greater amount of time overall. Another huge thing is positive forward momentum that I read about from Janet Lansbury. She is great! https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/07/confident-momentum-how-to-stop-battling-your-toddlers-resistance-and-defiance/
On vacation, practice patience. Winners clean up (after a board game). If your kid prefers one parent over the other for bedtime, rotate. Don’t give in, just say “tonight’s my turn” and carry on. Don’t worry so much about kids who are picky eaters. It’s a short time to eat poorly in the scheme of a lifetime. Offering an allowance of $2 per week to a 4 year old makes magic happen! 🪄 (beds made, dressed quickly, dishes to the sink.) They also get good at math and love to tell you about the things they are saving up to buy!
Winners clean up is *chefs kiss*
My oldest is nonbinary (21) and my youngest, so far a cis gender boy at 16. My biggest piece of advice no matter what is when they start talking, listen and no butting in! This has kept my kids talking to me, texting me, small things, big things. It’s so simple but is really so huge in keeping them coming back. I am grateful everyday, with one out of the house and one still here. Blocking the conversation with our narrative, really can hault the conversation. They will come to us if we are open! We don’t have to have all of the answers.
My 6 year old has a lot of Big Feelings and doesn’t want to be comforted when upset, EXCEPT by her special stuffie, voiced by me. She can be in the throws of an epic tantrum and if her stuffie comes over and “strokes” her cheek while “saying” soothing things, she instantly calms down. She’ll happily lie next to me and talk out all her problems with her stuffie as I answer back with its voice. If she’s in a mood and I tell her to do something, no way. But if her stuffie does? No problem! Lol. I don’t know how long this will work but it’s something I hope to keep going for a long long time!
“…you don’t need to be perfectly regulated when parenting. Narrating your emotions out loud — like saying, ‘I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath before I speak’ — helps your child learn what to do with big feelings…” I think about this a lot, and it’s a lighthouse for me in mothering three (soon four) children newly seven and under. A large part of raising whole (not just happy) people, I think, is shepherding them through big, uncomfortable feelings, something I was never taught as a child and something I am still learning. I want different for them in this way! And I think so much is bloomed, too, in those moments of repair…when we as parents acknowledge ways we tried, but fell short, and will try anew. Apologizing to my children as needed and talking through my own humanity, honoring their full personhood and feelings, is one of the most sacred acts of my life.
❤️
Amen to this, as a fellow mama of 4 who also wasn’t taught how to process her feelings and shortcomings as a child. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, way to be a cycle-breaker!
Another mom of 4 who came here to say the same thing. We can’t expect perfection of ourselves, and a big part of raising children who can handle conflict and negative experiences is to show them resilience – self-forgiveness and growth and doing the work to navigate difficult emotions.
My number one tip is don’t pick the small battles. For us right now, that looks like letting my kindergartener wear his shoes on the wrong feet and his pants backwards. It’s his body and that’s how he likes it. My daughter wants to open the door after I’ve already opened it, so I close it again and let her do it. It frees up soooo much mental energy for the things that do matter.
True this!!! If my kid’s hair isn’t brushed one Wednesday or they want to wear a shirt inside out, NBD.
Kids don’t know what they don’t know and they ARE NOT missing out because of it. Everything is ok: It’s okay if they don’t know how to ski. It’s ok if they don’t fly in an airplane. It’s ok if you live in an apartment and don’t have a yard. It’s ok if you take the bus everywhere. It’s ok to only have 8 toys in rotation (they only care about whatever is in your hand anyway). It’s ok to buy 2nd hand clothes. It’s ok to not rent out that kid’s play place on their birthday (they don’t know what a birthday is for at least 2 years! It’s ok to do nothing!!!). It’s ok to not do things. We already do so much.
Yessssss
Hear, hear!!
Yes! Also, I do pretty much all of these things because I am terrified of climate change and want to do everything we can not to contribute to it, so I really thank parents who don’t live high-pollution lifestyles, whether it’s intentional or accidental. I hope all of these things become cooler than the current Amazon Prime, Big Vacation, Spend Spend Spend aspirational ideal.
Yes!!! Love this
Big picture: For those who are beginning to parent big kids – Ask if they want help, or if they just need a bit more time. I grew up under a ‘helicopter parent’, who would constantly swoop in and give me feedback on how to have done something differently. It’s a behaviour that I mimicked in my early adulthood, and blessedly I have started hearing my daughter when she says “I can do it myself!” And asking “what kind of help do you want?” Little picture: When you are travelling, do not plan a ton of restaurant meals. My best parenting travel hack was ordering deli sandwiches (from Schwartz’s in Montreal, a classic) and taking them back to the hotel. We added room service fries and it was the most delicious, fun, and fancy-feeling meal we could have managed!
Stop folding kids clothes. Just get that shi* from the hamper to the drawer and you have won. Or just let it sit in the hamper until the next go around, it will all be good and the world will keep spinning.
Yes, this! I remember painstakingly folding all the tiny newborn clothes before my son was born and thinking, “why am I doing this?” By the time he was a few weeks old I let that go. Now, at 3 1/2 years old, he knows he has a drawer for tshirts, pants, undies/socks, pajamas, etc., and he can just grab what he wants when he’s getting dressed. No worries whether the clothes in the drawer get unfolded or messed up. It makes it so much easier on everyone involved.
As a mom of three, ranging in age from twenty to turning-nine-tomorrow, I just want to emphasize how important this is: “you don’t need to be perfectly regulated when parenting. Narrating your emotions out loud — like saying, ‘I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath before I speak’ — helps your child learn what to do with big feelings. Kids can see how regulation works in real life and realize that emotions aren’t scary or something to suppress; they’re just signals to slow down and make a choice.” It’s also important, I believe, for kids to see you not always make the right choice and that the world doesn’t end, *and* that you can make it better: You can apologize and explain. You can get angry or frustrated or sad, cry or scream, but you’re still yourself, you still adore them more than anything, you’re you, you’re not your feelings.
Yes! Thank you
I was going to write something very similar, but I think you said it perfectly so I’ll leave it at that. Really well said.
This post made me have a flashback of the Cup of Jo post mentioning the Elmo Brushy Brush toothbrush video. Still using it today! Sick beat! Thanks Jo!
I saw Nicole Kidman when I was in LA and I really wanted to be like “I loved you in ‘Brush Your Teeth.’ “
build trust with instant, gentle positive reinforcements when your kiddo does the right thing, the thing you asked, even if their accomplishment takes a little while. i work front desk at a school and watched a frustrated kinder mama ask her daughter to pick up her coat, and eventually she did, but by then mama was so frustrated and upset she pretended to leave without the kinder anyway. the little girl let out a heartbreaking yowl and wanted nothing to do with mama after that. :( it’s hard when you’re so deep in it, so tired, to remember that they’re just little. they are so little. and they’re trying. all they want is to please you, even if they don’t seem like it, but it gets all muddled if you then don’t seem pleased.
Yes x 10. I agree with all the tips. 👍🏼 Better to be prepared and not need it than to need it and not have it. 😮🙂😉
-when my kids were young (2-6ish) I would go to the library and grab a bunch of random kids books and leave them on the coffee table in our living room. No announcement, no reminders, just left them there and pretty regularly my kids would stop what they were doing and just sit and flip through a book by themselves or ask me to read it. Other books they would just ignore. I would replenish the stack every few weeks. I do think it helped them discover the joy of just sitting with a book. -Best podcast for 8-11 year olds: Greeking Out by National Geographic -Best audiobook for traveling in the car: Sideways Stories from Wayside School (the whole series) read by the author (someone in the COJ comments recommended this a while back – THANK YOU KIND LADY) -there is only one good kids music album: Johnny Cash Children’s Album.
I love your shares! However, I disagree with your last one. Haven’t you heard They Might Be Giants??!?
Hahah true but they are also adult music hahaha
Love me some Johnny Cash but what about Casper Babypants? 10 little Piggies and Spooky Spooky Spooky are our current favs. Spider John is also a real banger. I listen to those songs even when my kids aren’t in the car. BEST.
If you like Johnny Cash doing kids’ music, let me recommend Tom T. Hall’s album for kids. Similiar resonant country guys doing adorable chill catchy songs for children. :)
But what about “Not for Kids Only” by David Grisman and Jerry Garcia? ;-D
Ooh Wayside was my rec! Isn’t his voice SO SOOTHING?? 😂
Don’t forget Alphabutt by Kimya Dawson! A treasured album in my home
We love burl Ives children’s album. And honestly we do like the chipmunks haha. They really aren’t too shabby.
Elizabeth Mitchell!
Sorry but the best children’s albums are all by Fred Penner. Being replayed over and over again will not make you want to tear your hair out.
Parent of 4 older kids (8th thru college) recommending that you remember how capable your kids and not to do things for them that they can (proudly! Messily! Awkwardly!) do for themselves. My kids have been making their own lunches for school since Kindergarten. I used to post a drawing on the fridge to remind them of the basics of what to pack. They would ask for assistance with cutting if needed but other than that they did it by themselves. It was wonderful to watch them develop their own ideas for lunch and add their own requests (tortillas or red peppers or hummus please) to the grocery list. One of our favorite family sayings is “you can do hard things.” But we as parents need to let them.
Would you mind doing a Coursera or Skillshare class on how to teach this to kindergardeners. Please? And post the link here, Thank you 🙏
Totally agreed. My five-year old makes me a sandwich for work sonetimes. It is the best! 😆
Ruth’s comment is Gold!!!
I’m trying really hard to leave my phone alone around my daughter. So mornings if I’m not rushing out to work I’m there to be silly, to make her laugh before her day, style her hair and all without thinking I must reply to x y or z. It’s been huge for us both. I’m ashamed to admit it’s taken so long to realise what a barrier it was creating. Other tips as a quite serious person – I have to remind myself to be silly, to play fight and mess about. Make pancakes for dinner on a random week night. We call it brinner. Take photos of them sleeping when they are little for late night scrolling when the teenage angst is strong and they “hate” you. Plus finally “just add water!” I got that here 😊
Ask their advice! My mom always used to ask my advice (and apologize if she felt she didn’t manage a situation well, or had over-reacted etc). I do both of these things with my girls, when little: ‘do we like the blue or green sweater for tonight’s dinner out?’ and older ‘I feel like I’m struggling in this friendship because of xyz, what would you do’. I always felt so valued to my Mom and I hope my girls do too. They get the sense that their experience matters. And a new one I tried – my girls are 4 and 8 and are the best of friends but recently started squabbling, instead of butting in and figuring it out I remind them ‘you are both wise and kind, I trust you’ll figure this out’ and that reminder that they are wise and kind makes them wise and calm (80ish% of the time, for the rest of the space or snacks is almost always the solution). Cheers parents! What an honor it is to raise these small humans
My experience (maybe it is just me) that no matter what your sock plan is and no matter how efficient you are… they will always just disappear and be hard to find. I’ve done same color, character, stocked them at the front door and somehow they are never where I expect them to be. Expect the sock vortex and know you are not alone!
Love the idea of asking their advice, thanks! Sounds like you’re a rockstar mama.