How Do You Introduce a New Partner to Your Kids?
On this chilly Monday, I’m hoping to ask a question to this wise and wonderful community: Do you have any advice on how to introduce kids to a new partner after getting divorced?
Freddie and I have been dating for about six months, and I’d love for the boys to meet him. As I’ve mentioned, he’s a high school history teacher with two boys of his own, and he’s really funny and sweet. We’ve talked about meeting each other’s children, and when the time feels right, I would love to have a loose, gentle plan in place.
Three notes for myself:
1. No PDA, of course!!!
2. Keep it quick, maybe a half hour? For the first meeting, short feels good.
3. Maybe Freddie can bring his dog to help break the ice.
I briefly mentioned our plans to meet each other’s kids in this Big Salad newsletter issue, and a few readers generously shared their own experiences:
“I introduced my two girls to my boyfriend last summer — we met for an afternoon walk, fed some ducks (I know, I know), and got ice cream. The fact that your guy is a teacher and a dad will help. Knowing kids and how to best approach them (sometimes by not approaching them) is key.” — Brittani
“I was in the same situation a year ago. My boyfriend came over to kill a spider (a black widow, so genuinely scary). He came over, introduced himself to my son, killed the spider and left. The whole visit lasted five minutes, and my son saw him as a helper and a hero. So, then when he came up in conversation a day later, my son was open to him joining us for a short outing.” — Katie
“I asked my 13-year-old how she wanted to meet my boyfriend, and she said, ‘Can he just come inside and say hey?’ He did that, and then a few weeks later, we went out to dinner and played cards. We let her pick where to eat. They developed a great relationship, and what helped is that she got to choose. It was my first relationship post-divorce, and she later told me, ‘It wasn’t not him, it was the idea of him.’” — Marlena
“My dearest friend is in a serious relationship with a dad of two boys, and her partner’s idea was SO GOOD: He’d told his kids a few things about her, and she eventually came over to their house to help them all rake leaves one afternoon. There was a clear, collaborative, low-stakes task, so the focus wasn’t on MEET THIS PERSON (or even conversation at all), and the boys were on their own turf and could choose their own engagement and proximity level throughout.” — Hillary
Thoughts? I’d be so grateful for any tips or wisdom. Thank you much, as always. xoxoxoxo Also, speaking of new partners, this line from my friend Erika’s newsletter made me lol:
P.S. Five things that surprised me about divorce, and the script we used to tell our kids we were getting divorced.
(Photo by Cara Dolan/Stocksy. The opening photo makes me wonder if Freddie, like Sally, will ask, “Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario???”)
Comments
117 commentsI recently got divorced with a 2 and 4 year old, and started dating another divorced parent pretty quickly after. We have opposite custody schedules, so have exactly 2 days a month where neither of us has kids. I spoke with my coparent and agreed to move up the introduction of my new partner from 6 months to 3 months. Because my kids are so young, they don’t have a lot of context for interpreting romantic/adult relationships and have just enjoyed having a new friend around (and clearly see how happy he makes me)! We kept it PG in front of them and limited sleepovers at first, but have slowly started acting couply in front of them and I have frequent conversations with them about his role in our changing family. Seeing him around my kids was actually what really won me over – I couldn’t imagine waiting 6 months to a year only to learn I don’t like their dynamic with my kids. I may feel differently if/when this relationship ends but I think especially with little kids, it can actually be great to bring in a partner sooner than later! Especially if it means less time with babysitters while mom’s on dates :)
Unfortunately, I only have “don’ts” (my mother asked me to take her picture for her dating profile after my parents divorced EYEROLL). She brought over people she’d only been seeing for a few weeks and expected us to have nothing but praise. I think a good rule is if you feel like it’s serious and this person will be a part of the future, it’s OK to think about introductions. Be prepared for any reaction from the kids and don’t make them feel bad if they don’t like him, aren’t warm, aren’t friendly, etc. It was really uncomfortable having men come over to the house my father bought…
I have a ‘how not to do it’ (although it turned out fine) – I ended up at my now-husband’s house after getting stuck in an epic traffic jam my way home from a weekend away – I was driving past so asked if I could crash for the night and go to work in the morning from there. He of course said yes but his three daughters and their 2 cousin-friends were there and they GRILLED ME. They’d had a suboptimal experience with his previous gf so wanted to make sure I was good and scared. All fine now but HOO BOY that was a memorable evening!
A wise parent friend told me to wait a full year. I’m so glad I did and I wanted to share the same advice. We took it all very slowly and gradually and now my partner is fully integrated into my kids’ lives. But it never felt forced.
Low stakes first meet is so wise. The first time he met my boys we were outside and the boys were riding bikes. He noticed that one of them needed the seat raised on his bike. He got his tool kit out of his truck and fixed it! The boys really kept their eyes on him as we sat and watched them ride around. Fast forward and we will be married 24 years this June!
We did Japanese BBQ! Like the cook it yourself variety. Food plus an activity wrapped up in one. So helpful that there was something to do and something with a clear beginning, middle and end.
As someone who has been the kid in this experience multiple times – I can share what worked and what didn’t. My dad’s first girlfriend was fun, kind, and understanding. She also always treated my dad, my brother, and me like a group that she was genuinely grateful to be apart of. She would comment how funny we were and it was a subtle way of reminding me she wasn’t looking to break up the group. Unfortunately, my dad ended up marrying someone who was dead set on making my dad and her the “in group” and my brother and I the “out group.” She would put things down from times before her. I can recognize it comes from her own insecurities and emotional immaturity but the impact and my dad’s passivity are still deeply hurtful.
OH MY GOODNESS! Your post is so sweet and I’ve seen my friends navigate these issues this carefully as they change partners. But here’s my perspective as a child of divorce who saw both parents remarry. Relax! For god’s sake, you’re a wonderful mom but you’re also a person who is taking wonderful care of your own needs. Good people make space for other people’s joy even when it isn’t their joy. This is an opportunity for your children to learn that. Let them learn it. It’s a gift, just like it sounds like Freddy will be a gift to them too. XOXO.
This is such a thoughtful and helpful guide for a situation that can be really tricky to navigate. I completely agree that taking things slow and being honest with your kids is key. One tip that’s worked well for me is to plan a casual first meeting in a familiar setting, like a favorite park or cafe — it helps keep things relaxed and less overwhelming for everyone.
Okay, not quite the same because (1) I was 40 when this happened and not 12; and (2) this was after my dad passed away, not a divorce, but for what it’s worth, I thought I would share this: when I met my mom’s boyfriend for the first time, he very directly said something like “I know your Dad was a wonderful guy and I can’t replace him, nor do I aim to, but I’m really excited to get to know you.” The fact that he said that so directly took away so much potential awkwardness, and created space for a lovely relationship that has never felt threatening to the special relationship I had with my dad. So maybe some age-appropriate version of that would be helpful for your boys to hear.
My aunt’s husband died when I was about 14. I lived with them when my mum had cancer. A year later he (uncle) died . When my aunt met someone rlse at furst I was shocked and maybe angry… then i saw how he held her hand, i saw his eyes go mushy when she walked in the room. When you love someone and kniw they live you, seeing someone else love them is a gift! Love doesn’t die unless it’s nit allowed to thrive. It’s an awesome lesson to learn
I am so embarrassed by the typos on my iPhone…
Freddie seems so nice; you like him so he must be nice. I’m sure your boys will get along great with him. Wishing lovely you all the best with this. P.s. I used to be a secondary school history teacher too before I had my own boys :)
I would ask your kids what they would like to do and when it feels right to them… pass them the power baton. Letting them know how much you love and respect them is a huge kindness. They are going to be making a lot of big decisions on their own soon- let them practice with this meeting. You have great kids. You got this!
Love this. Feels very resonant and values-aligned. Sometimes the decisions I struggle most with are the ones I realize aren’t mine alone to make.
When I started dating after my divorce, I asked my therapist about this and received some wonderful advice. My kids were 14 and 11, and we were about a year “post divorce.” My therapist asked me two helpful questions. First, what would the relationship be between my boyfriend and my kids? At the time, the answer was… none. I was the one in a relationship with him, not my kids. We were nowhere near a stepdad role. I some ways this was sad- I had been so excited to see them build a relationship, and I still am. But it slowed things down in terms of spending time together, and also took the pressure off. Second, she asked what I wanted my kids to know. I realized that mostly, I wanted them to know that I was safe, happy, and healthy, and that we weren’t making any major life changes or moves anytime soon. I didn’t want to be keeping secrets or hiding anything from my kids. These questions really helped me to clarify what my goals were. After reflecting, I knew what conversations I wanted to have with my kids, and that they didn’t really need to spend much time with him, for now. In some ways, it has been hard for me not to push it, because I know that they will all really enjoy each other. But for now, we have kept meetings casual and short, letting the kids lead if they are curious. My time with my kids is still 98% dedicated to them, and my time with my boyfriend fits in to the time when my kids are with their father. If my kids were younger, or my divorce older, I could see doing things differently. But for now, providing stability for my kids took priority.
This is everything. I wish I had had this advice before introducing my first serious boyfriend to my kids post-divorce. That was the conversation we all needed to have around it, and did not. That resulted in expectations not being clear and my own feelings of confusion when I felt things “not working” when we were all together.
Reading these comments has been so great. I’m in a relationship with a man with young children, and have none of my own (and don’t plan to). We’re quite serious, and I have lots of thoughts about how life will look with stepkids. Would love to see a story about COJ readers who have been experienced this – especially those who didn’t have their own kids, or who are many years into the step-parenting journey!
Stepmom here and agree, I would love to read about fellow stepmoms. Every blended family is so wildly different and each one has it ebbs and flows. Going through a touchy co-parent time and reminding myself that I have a great relationship with my stepchild and that’s what matters.
I met my stepdaughters after 6 months of dating my husband, too. We grabbed bagels before heading to an old amusement park where we walked around, rode a carousel, then saw a kids’ theater show. There were moments to talk, but no pressure, enjoyable but lowkey. It opened the door for more time together.
My first question is how much do they know? Do they know you are dating? Do they ask questions about him? If you’ve already done the lead in “I’ve met someone I really enjoy spending time with, and I care about him” and “he isn’t here to replace your dad, but remenber, we aren’t married anymore” (or something along those lines) I snake sure they have time to digest this, ask sone questions about him, perhaps build some curiosity. When arranging a first meeting I’d say something like, “because you both are my biggest loves (or some words saying how they are your world and so important to you), he really wants to meet both of you. He has heard a lot about you both, since I talk about you two all the time. I agree with a meeting outside of the house. Not a favorite haunt of your families, but someplace new A brunch, ice cream- low commitment – and go from there
I would ask A and T if they want to meet him. Let them decide. And let them be involved in the how too.
💯
What a thoughtful consideration for you, your kiddos and your new partner. Nearly to the day, 6 years ago, I wrote an email to [email protected] asking if there might be more content/experiences around blending families because it seemed so daunting and also so unique. Reading these comments, it is not! So many shared and wonderful responses. 1) no PDA, majorly agreed 2) quick and neutral territory – I recommend thinking about your individual sons and how they like to receive new people into their lives. If it’s shared interests, start there in 20 minutes or less. Of course you can do a first meet all together, I more mean considering how different each kiddo might be and framing a new interaction in a way they individually can open up to. So there could be a first and second ‘new meeting’ to account for your kids different needs. Dogs do seem like a genuinely wonderful, easy and breezy intro! Getting your former partner (their Dad) on board and informed, to me, is also the greatest gift — gaining their buy in is so helpful for reinforcing positivity with kids, where and if that is possible. That’s likely obvious, ha!
Will you tell us how you told them you have a boyfriend?? I’m still stuck at that part! Also my boyfriend lives in another state, so we don’t have the luxury of popping somewhere neutral for a bit. I was thinking some video hang outs? He plays the banjo. I thought maybe they could dance around, not even really have to talk to him?? I have two little girls. Anyone else introduce a long distance boyfriend??
Having met several of my dad’s girlfriends as a kid, my first stepmom as a preteen, my second stepmom as a teen, and my wonderful stepdad, I would like to strongly chime in with a vote for neutral territory!!! Someone in your sacred home space can be its own big thing to process, in addition to meeting the person. Ice cream shop, dog run, basketball court… anywhere but home! Then, after a time or two out you can say, “Hey I was thinking of inviting Freddie over for some board games with us. What do you think?”
A big second!! Multiple boyfriends and husbands of my moms later … if we could do it all over again I probably wish I hadn’t met anyone that was under a year. Great that mom was living her life but she could do that on her separate time. With something serious then it was time Also neutral and giving choice is geeat!
+1 to neutral territory. Homes are sacred spaces for kids. Inviting a boyfriend into it feels so much different than a friend. And also +1 to maybe waiting a bit longer and asking your kids if and how they want to meet him.
Oh my goodness! My thoughts, too. Dog park, play a little basketball and end with ice cream—something for Anton, Toby, and then something universally liked (plus, it’s tough to feel threatened by someone who is enjoying an ice cream cone; everyone looks like the 5-year-old version of themselves).
I met my dad’s girlfriend shortly after a suprising separation of my parents when I was a college student. He did not warn me ahead of time, which was uncomfortable and very hurtful to me. Do not recommend! I would have appreciated time and choice. I’m sure you will handle it beautifully!
omg marien, had a VERY similar experience. have not enjoyed surprises since! very moving to see all of these lovely responses, wish my dad had had this (hahaha)
My dad asked me to keep his girlfriend a secret because my parents were still going through a divorce. He cheated on my mother with this woman, I found our years later. It was awful. Looking back on it now, I have carried so much rage towards him for so many years. Such selfish behaviour.
Same. Dad brought his new gf to the airport to pick me up for summer vacation, with zero heads up. 17 years old, so awkward. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me about her, he said, ‘it’s my life I don’t need to ask your permission.’ 25 years later I can laugh about it. :)
If it helps, I have literally zero memory of how I met my future stepfather and stepmother. I was a little younger, but not much. What I do know is that my stepfather became a more important father than my father himself. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my mother found him, and that he loved me like a daughter. Bonus parents can be better than regular parents!
It won’t go perfectly but it will go well enough, I know it. Even the fact that you’re considering how to frame the meeting for your kids means that it will go well enough to be totally fine. My own mom started dating someone when I was 10 or 11 and I found because I came home and there was a strange man in our living room. Then later I walked in on them making out in the kitchen. It was awful. But my mom wasn’t a mom who could consider the impact of things on her children. It’s like making a “safe enough” space or being a “good enough” mom. It will go “well enough.” I know it.
I got introduced to my husbands son after we had been dating for 5 months. He had talked to his son about me, who was just 6 at the time and talked about his feelings before the meet and my husband made sure his kid didn’t feel “pressure” to be anything other than himself around me. He could talk or not, ask question or not, all up to him. Our first meet was at a coffee shop and my husband’s ex (kid’s mom) was there to show support. We talked about dogs for 10 minutes and then I left. I grew up with young parents and my parents had a lot of people in and out of my life that I never got ot choose to meet or not meet or how fast or slow. So, now as an adult entering into a relationship where there was a kid, I was very aware of how it feels to be the kid and wanted to make sure he had a good experience. We’ve taken it very slow and let him lead. There was a time where he didn’t want to see me because he was really adjusting to his Dad being with someone else and that was totally okay. Now, he is becoming more comfortable with me and doesn’t mind me being around. It’s been a process, but my husband and I were and are really focused on the long term and think often of how his son will look back on this time. It’s been harder on us to go slow, but it is worth it for his kid to feel like he had a say in the experience and my relationship with him is on his terms and gets to build as slowly as he wants. So, my overall advice is let your kids have opinions, listen to them, honor them and take it SLOW.
Amanda, so much respect for how you and your husband have handled and are handling this process :-)
If your boys have access to the internet you might be surprised at what they know about your dating life. They are old enough to use a search engine. Be prepared!
oh I haven’t posted anything that they don’t already know about! we’ve talked a lot about freddie and his kids and especially his dog. :)
I’m not sure it helps, but I think there are a myriad of ways to have an introduction go smoothly and some very specific ways to make it weird. My kids unfortunately had a weird experience. It seems obvious, but priming kids to make the experience pleasant for the adult is not recommended or having the person show up as a surprise my friend happens to be here not recommended or having kids come to the house just dropped off and when they have no choice to leave saying surprise this person is coming. Basically any activity that centers the adults is not recommended… I do recommend a no big deal, this person is one of many in this room since that is in general kids’ concern- not being their parent’s focus or priority.
If you haven’t already (and I wouldn’t be surprised if you are doing this intuitively) start doing some matchmaking before they meet. Say things like “You know, one of the things I love about Freddie is every time I tell him about you guys he is so interested and he always asks me how you two are doing.” or find some small similarities like “You know, the way Freddie laughs at my jokes reminds me of how you laugh at them, too.” And as far as meeting him – activities like a Sunday drive or a movie where they can kind of sit back and watch the two of you interact and see your relationship without having to interact much themselves is a good start. As a former teacher I used to invite my regular substitute to come in on normal day just so the kids could see us together and see how much I liked her – their attachment to me primed them to also like her (and be kind to her – passing the attachment baton, so to speak). Apologies if I am repeating another’s response – I only had time to read about half of the replies.
I want to say that when I met my mom’s boyfriend as a kid, it was an enormous relief. I knew that it would happen one day, and I thought a lot about what it would look like. When I finally met the man who became my stepdad, it was so nice to see that he was kind and made my mom happy. As soon as she shared that she had a boyfriend I hated the idea that she was keeping something so big from me that would impact me. Did I want our life to change again, no, but I could tell my mom was changing in the relationship, and I was feeling left behind. I respectfully disagree with a lot of commenters because I think that 6 months is a long time to keep a secret that is such a big part of your life. I would get it over with so you can move forward and start to see what this new potential family might look like. You want to see how they will fit in sooner rather than later. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be to be in love with someone privately for a year only to find out that they were not compatible with my children because I would choose my children. That said, if the boys do not want to meet him, you shouldn’t force it. I vote that you do it with an activity that the boys like that can be extended or cut short. Go for a walk, and if things are going well, get ice cream. Play basketball, and if the boys aren’t engaging you can leave. Keeping hands and feet busy helps.
I love this so much. I’m divorced and always curious about how the kids see the issues that come up around not having parents that are together. Fingers crossed for understanding like yours!!!
There is no universal “right way” you have to consider your kids personality, their environment, their relationship with the other parent, the reason(s) for divorcing and how the divorce played out. I would have preferred my mother do more vetting. A general I’m dating and I’ll keep you posted would have sufficed for me. My cousin is much closer to her mom and would be scandalized being on a need to know basis. You can’t know that your dating life will impact your kid until it’s serious and you can’t know that very quickly. Something I’d do if I ever found myself dating again is simply ask my kid how he would like to be involved. So often we fret over decisions we’re not meant to make alone. So I guess the best advice is know (or get to know) your kid(s) and let them set some parameters at the onset. Then you’re not agonizing about who fits where. You’ll already have a pretty good idea.
My boyfriend (now partner of 9 years) came over to fix something. It depends on kids’ ages but I’d say just keep it simple.
I introduced my son’s now stepfather just as a friend. It was probably 20 minutes long, he came to pick me up for us to go to an event. My son was four at the time and challenged him to a weight lifting contest 😂 About two months later I told my son I had decided he was my boyfriend. This did prompt some tears. I do think it was better to just say it instead of doing a “so what do you think of Keith” dance.
Have you and the boys meet Freddie and his pup at a dog run. Low stakes, lots to chat about and chaotic in a good way.
Yaaaaaasssss to this suggestion!
Yes! Isn’t Anton dog-crazy? Easy bonus marks!
When I first met my fiance’s 2 kids (boy age 7 at the time, girl age 4 at the time) we met at a video game arcade where my fiance regularly spent time with his kids. I think it was helpful to have games to play and things to do so that there wasn’t so much pressure on the kids to say or act a certain way. And honestly, it was helpful for me to have that as well, since I was pretty nervous about meeting them. So I’d say to have the first meeting be somewhere where there is a separate activity going on. That way, the kids are able to have their space and to get to know him in relation to something else — like how good he is at playing arcade games or playing basketball, etc. Anyway, meeting my fiance’s kids went well, and three years later, I have a really good relationship with both of them. Also, I did a lot of googling before I met the kids (like I said, I was nervous), and one great piece of advice I came across was to be a cat, not a dog. Meaning, don’t be all eager and in the kids’ faces when you’re getting to know them. I think kids can tell when you’re trying too hard to get them to feel a certain way. Instead, sit back, be yourself, and let the kids warm up to you when they’re ready. I did that when getting to know my fiance’s kids, and I think it went really well (for them and for me). Good luck!
My kids just met my new boyfriend about 6 weeks ago! I have two daughters, aged 15 and 12. We all met at a local coffee place. My 12 year old was generally relaxed and keen to meet him. My 15 year old wanted to meet somewhere neutral, hence the coffee place, and somewhere not too far so she could leave if she wanted to (she didn’t in the end though). It was very casual, we just chatted, and at some point my 12 year old got out her math homework and my boyfriend actually helped her with it, so that was nice! We had been dating for about 7.5 months at that point. I didn’t want to wait longer because, although I felt really good about him, I did want to see how things went with my kids before investing a lot more time in someone. Of course, everything has been great :) My advice would be to not stress over this first meeting. If he’s in it for the long haul then there is plenty of time for them all to get to know each other. When starting to stress, I thought about my (half-) sister who has had my dad as her step-dad for the past 52 years. They have had their ups and downs and since our mum died 4 years ago, she visits him every week (I live in a different country now) and they regularly hang out (going to the movies, he spends weekends with her etc). It’s a long-term relationship that is worth being patient through, and remembering there will be ups and downs, just like any family.
We intentionally waited a whole year before introducing my two sons and his three sons. So when we finally arranged a meet-up (at an arcade, with pizza), the five guys were all so excited to FINALLY get to meet each other. After a few weird moments, off they went to play games. And by the end of the evening, they were like old pals. They started chanting, “KISS KISS KISS!” at us. Which we did! That was seven years ago. The guys are now 21, 18, 15, 14, and 12. We couldn’t be happier.
All these comments remind me that it is so important to not be too familiar and take the home space for granted in early days, out of respect for the kids, so they don’t feel invaded. Also, meeting outside the space first few times seems super important.
I have been a family law lawyer for a long time and my advice would be for you to listen to the kiddos after the meeting, and after each meeting in the future. It’s so easy to seek for the validation from them and be overly enthusiastic to hear “good” feedback and not be so open to other kind of opinions. Even if they’re not fair and they want you to stay single forever, it’s nice to hear the kids and allow them to have their own views, even if you don’t share them. What I mean is too many times I have heard moms saying: “my kids looooove my new boyfriend” and when you look into the kids eyes it’s more like: He is ok. Just my two cents
I agree with this so much. My dad surprised me with meeting not only his girlfriend but also it was the woman he cheated on my mom with and ALSO they were engaged AND ALSO they were getting married in a couple months, and isn’t it all so great?? My dad really tried to sell her to me instead of just giving me time to process it all and he only wanted to hear good feedback. It was a tough time, and I was 28!
When it was time for my (then) 12-year-old son, Emmett, to meet my post-divorce serious boyfriend, I told Emmett about my boyfriend first, and Emmett had so many questions—Who is his favorite superhero? Did he see Star Wars and what did he think? What’s his favorite food? It was so funny that my son had a ton of questions I never anticipated (and didn’t know the answers to) that I wrote them all down. Later, on the phone with my guy, I asked each question (we laughed our way through how cute the questions were) and wrote down the answers. The next day, I shared the answers with my son. Once my son knew the “essentials” (about Darth Vader, etc.), he was ready for a dinner meetup at our favorite pizza place.
That is adorable.
I did this myself about a year ago as the new partner! My boyfriend has two young kids, 5 and 7, and we decided to have our first meeting be at an outdoor holiday market. It was low stakes. There was lots to do and talk about it. We had a blast! The next time we met I went to their house and made cookies with them. We found having an activity and an end time was super helpful for those first few meetings. A year later and we all live together :)
I’ve got it- the boys want a dog so bad. You should introduce the dog FIRST and then introduce Freddie by taking him out for a walk. If it feels like it’s going okay, then the next walk you can get some ice cream and build from there.
This is a brilliant idea!!
This is SO SMART. Meet the dog (if you need a pretext, “hey kids, Freddie has to work late on Tuesday and his dog is going to be so bored – he wondered if maybe we could take him on a walk/to the park after school?”), and then there is an automatic no-fail conversation starter for when the kids meet Freddie. I have never had a bad conversation with kids about dogs!
My now husband watched my little dog for a week while I was out of town, so his 11 year old son met her first. When I came to pick up my little dog, I met his son and I think it did help the initial meeting that I was “little dog’s mom” and not just someone dating his dad or replacing his mom. I also got to thank him for babysitting my little dog, which he took a lot of pride in. If we had made a big deal about us meeting and an activity or gone out together, knowing him now, his son definitely would have been more uncomfortable. Low stakes/casual was good for him and he liked that we met/hung out at their house, so he could go back to his room whenever he wanted. He’s 14 now and while he calls me his step-mom now, my husband and I agreed early on that he’s got enough parents and I can approach our relationship more like a cool aunt. Really took the pressure off and has kept our relationship fun. Now he asks me questions about dating girls and we have a million inside jokes, so it definitely worked out!
My kids (5, 7,8, and 10 at the time) were very curious about my boyfriend from the beginning of our relationship. They had some knowledge about the him because we grew up together and had known each other for decades. My ex was adamant that they not meet my partner. We ended up having a mediation session dedicated to the process of introducing new partners into the kids’ lives. My ex met my boyfriend first, which I had suggested in hopes of it helping the kids feel like new partners (on both sides) were to be welcomed as new adults to care for and love them. While that turned out to be overly optimistic, my boyfriend got through it so that he would be allowed to meet the kids. We ended up going to the pumpkin patch with my brother and his girlfriend who were visiting from out of town. Then we brought the pumpkins home and carved them. I didn’t think too much about it at the time, it was boyfriend’s idea, but it ended up being low pressure because there was a fun activity and the kids could spend the day mostly with my boyfriend, or if they preferred, with me, their uncle, aunt or each other. They all chose to focus on my boyfriend, who, two years later, lives with us and is a wonderful caring stepdad who the kids trust and adore. Before I introduced them, I knew that my boyfriend was ready to put in the time and effort to create solid relationships with the kids even if it took years. We were prepared for an unpredictable, rocky road with the kids but it’s been nothing but smooth sailing so far. My kids are really open and they see how happy we are together. They feel loved by all of their adults. As many others have said, I don’t think the first meeting matters too much, its hopefully just a kicking off point to long and strong relationships between Freddie and each of the boys. Good luck!!!
Not the point of the (great!!) post, but what does Brittani’s “I know, I know” mean re: feeing ducks??
Probably that you shouldn’t feed ducks because it’ll probably make them really sick.
I thought a Sopranos reference?
Odd question, but do your kids ever look at COJ?
the raking leaves and killing spiders are both great ideas! you don’t want it to seem like an interview, so a task–joint or otherwise–might take the pressure off. Maybe you could play a game?
I am curious: can the boys not read this blog? I would have felt weird if my parents would have discussed this topic online. If they don‘t read it, perfect! There are so many wonderful ideas and insights, as with every other post here. This community really is gold! You will find the right setting for the introduction. And a dog always helps :)
Shared task or low stakes activity (e.g., basketball in the park) sounds like a plan to me. Most kids want to not be the center of new adult attention. Bringing his dog might be a good idea too.
Just this week, my step-daughter asked me at the dinner table to tell her about the time we first met, and it melted my heart. I told her about all the snafu’s—that her dad asked me to bring dinner to the playground but forgot and got them burritos on the way, that in her six-year-old antics she accidently kicked her dad in the head, and 15 minutes in she had to pee so they had to go home. I told her how fun and silly and beautiful I thought she was. She laughed and loved the story. It’s been tough on her (and all of us) over the past 4 years sometimes letting me into their little world, so this story becoming part of our family history, something we laugh about over the dinner table, is a quiet but powerful little triumph of my life.
I have learned through being around my partners kids, that being around them while doing a task or walking, is far easier to navigate than being still and having to make eye contact the whole interaction. Yes to keeping the time together brief and adding an animal is a great idea. Having a pet for both Freddie and your boys to love on, but separately, will be energetically supportive for both parties. I want to share something I learned years ago. It was from a study and it said the number 1 reason kids “like or love” their step parent is seeing how much that step parent loves their parent. And that doesn’t mean you have to show PDA, but I think a kids watching you joking around and being kind to their parent has a big impact.
I would love to share from the perspective of being the child in this scenario, as I was decades ago when I met my Dad’s girlfriend and many of my mom’s boyfriends: I love the reader’s suggestion to ask the boys and let them have some say. So many choices are being made around divorce – the split, who lives where, which days the kids are where – and it would have been nice to have some input and agency. I think including their voices and preferences sounds like a really nice way to go “How would you guys like to meet him?”
Speaking here as a “step-grandchild” who has heard many times about how my grandfather introduced our “Yia Yia” to my mom and her siblings. Mirroring what other commenters have mentioned: definitely avoid surprises! The day that my mom met her step-mom she’d been told they were going for an ice cream and a walk on the beach to meet someone special. Over the course of the day she felt so nervous and sick that she threw up her ice cream. Luckily, Yiayia stepped in to comfort her and help get her home, and they’ve had a wonderful, close relationship for many decades since then. And although they both tell the story with compassion toward each other, neither has forgotten how tough that first meeting was.
No advice here, just teary admiration for all of these beautiful, thoughtful responses. My mom didn’t care about softening this transition and introduced us to anyone and everyone she saw from the moment of my parents’ break when I was thirteen. Our house was a carousel of boyfriends coming and going, moving in and moving out, including the time she went to Las Vegas with one and came back married. So much of my parenting pours from a place of untangling those trauma years. But I read these notes here and I weep, I do. You are all trying so hard and loving so well. You are all doing wonderfully.
And so are you. Bless you, and the precious child you were, and the beautiful children you are raising.
Alexa, I feel this. I’m sure you are doing a good job untangling the trauma and doing better for your kids. ❤️
I feel this so much Alexa, I grew up in a similar situation. It certainly affected me in ways I probably still haven’t untangled fully. I am currently seeing a man after splitting with my daughter’s father, and I have no intention of introducing him to my daughter. He has kids as well and we both say, we get half our time with them. Why spend any of that time I have with my daughter with someone else vying for my attention or me trying to get theirs? He is a wonderful man and I know he considers me a wonderful woman but our time is our time and our time with our kids is another thing. I do commend people who can do it but I grew up with such a revolving door or randos and cannot imagine subjecting my child to that. I know what Alexa and I experienced is probably not the norm, but it seems a lot of people just jump right into relationships and drag their kids along for the ride not even thinking about how it really affects them. I know this is not what you are doing or what most people here are doing! I really think it is beautiful and sometimes I do feel a pang of something (jealousy? fomo?) that my life doesn’t look like that. My daughter is only 9 though so I feel like maybe later on, it might be a different story. Thanks for the always entertaining and thought provoking content and for the community <3
While there’s something to be said for doing this intentionally (of course!!) I would also consider that there’s some merit to just ripping the bandaid off and introducing. I introduced my son to my partner around six months, once we were sure the relationship was significant, and I’m glad I didn’t wait longer. The fact that my son (7 at the time) was around for what now feels in retrospect like the beginning of our relationship feels right, like he was included in this thing that has a huge impact on his day to day. If we had waited til we were sure we’d be getting married and living together, I can imagine my son feeling like it was just another decision the adults in his life made that he had no part in. Also want to echo some other commenters about how much kids know even when we don’t tell them. I met my partners daughter (4 at the time) and was introduced as a friend, and the first thing out of her mouth was “are you going to marry my dad?”
What keeps coming to mind is asking your boys what they would like to do and talk through options with them knowing them well like you do. From what other readers have said, I like the idea of making it quick, including the dog and maybe being outside, getting ice cream. But I would like to focus my comment of what your boys’ relationship could look like with Freddie. I met my step dad over 25 years ago and thinking about my first time meeting him, it was a little awkward, but looking back I would have loved to have met him as soon as possible to start that relationship sooner. It was a bumpy first year, as I was a teen navigating so much, but at the end, he turned into the dad I always wanted. He didn’t take the place of my dad, but really became a second dad who was so different than my dad. He passed away 1.5 years ago, and I couldn’t be more grateful that my mom was able to meet the love of her life and my sister and I were able to have a dad who had enough love to love his own kids, my mom and us. I can’t imagine life without him and incredibly grateful for the time with him and his impact on my life.
As a stepmom, this made me tear up. I hope I can be as good a step parent as yours was. Thanks for sharing.
Could not agree more. I hardly remember the early introductions to my stepdad, but he’s been in that role for over 20 years now and I adore, respect, and enjoy him so much. My dad and I are close too, it’s a totally different relationship, but I can’t picture my life (or my mom’s life) without my stepdad. And seeing him being a grandpa to my toddler has been one of the great joys of my life. She doesn’t know the different between my dad and my stepdad; they’re just both grandpas to her. That feels like a metaphor for how a family can grow and feel so natural over the arc of a lifetime, even if the beginning was wobbly.
My only experience is meeting my stepmother when I was 7. She technically did everything “right” with our first meeting, but there was never a desire from her to have a real relationship with me. We communicated through my Dad, and had a fairly fraught relationship. I share this to say, even if the first meeting goes awry, what actually matters is how your partner shows up thoughout the boys’ lives. You’ve got this!
Just here to say I have a fraught relationship with my stepmother too and am trying to navigate complicated feelings about that as an adult. In retrospect, I think she’s probably emotionally abusive (called me a bitch multiple times when I was a teenager, told me not to eat the food that she stocked the kitchen with because it was too fattening for me, berated me for sleeping in on school breaks and “wasting the day”). My dad and I weren’t close for years because it was too difficult for me to be around his wife. Now he visits me solo and we’re very close, but I’m having a hard time reconciling feelings that he shouldn’t have put me in a position to experience that. He’s never acknowledged it beyond saying “she’s hard on people.”
My mom definitely did not think about how to introduce me to my stepdad (or prior boyfriends), but she did make sure we went on 2 big vacations, just us, before they got married: Hawaii and Disney World. She didn’t frame it as “Our Last Vacations Before I Get Remarried” (which I would have thought of as “My Last Vacations Before My Life Is Ruined”), so I was happily oblivious, and I have some really fond memories from those trips.
This is so lovely. On the flip side, my mom married someone she’d known for four weeks and we (myself and two brothers) went on a ten day road trip with him and his two kids. Absolutely the worst trip of my life (and I’m sure their’s as well).
My parents divorced when I was 4, and my dad had a few more marriages. I always appreciated meeting new partners in neutral territory, since it was weird to see someone new already comfortable at my dad’s house. I also think that asking kids feedback is always good if they’re up for it! Kids can’t (and shouldn’t!) control their parents’ partners, but they still end up being such a big part of their lives when they’re young either in person or, as you say, “looming” in the background. They might appreciate having control over some of the little details. Best of luck!!
These comments are fascinating evidence of just how varied life is and how deeply we all worry about our loved ones. I’m a mom of small children in a long marriage that took a very unhappy and surprising turn in a dark direction when my children were born. Things have stabilized but I still know in my heart that the marriage is over and the family structure is unsound. As I read these comments, I found myself shocked and profoundly moved by peoples’ open pursuit of love and change in the wake of grief. I’m so far from that place that it feels like reading reports from a distant planet. Your hope and courage is truly admirable.
I’m in a similar situation- sending you love and light. These comments have been helpful to me.
Anon, I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar place. No advice, just solidarity.
I was where you are now 15 years ago. The thing that gave me the courage to end my marriage was the memory of my parents’ unhappy marriage. They were miserable and unkind to each other and it was awful to watch. When I knew beyond all doubt that my marriage was over, it gave me the confidence to make a new life with my girls. It was a tremendously tough time (my ex was a horrible husband and a worse enemy) but I knew that nothing could be worse than staying in a dead marriage to an abusive man. Today, I am happily remarried to a splendid man, who came with two amazing bonus kids. He’s been a wonderful stepdad to my two (who no longer have any contact with their bio dad). There are brighter days ahead for you. I promise.
I met my partner’s sons (then 5 and 7) after 6 months of dating, as we’d gotten serious pretty fast. It went great! I met them at their favorite park and was pretty lowkey; we just let them play. When they were getting ready to leave they asked if I could come home with them for lunch. I went, of course, and after lunch we made clay figures together. We’ve been together 2 years now and live together, with the boys here a few days a week, and everyone’s pretty happy and secure. All four grownups prioritize the health and safety of the boys, and share info/support each other, so it’s really as good a setup as could be. We got lucky. Good luck! Your boys sound very thoughtful and I bet they’d respond well to an open conversation about this.
I met my stepson, who was 9 at the time, about 9 months into my relationship with my now husband. My husband and I had been friends for 14 years before we got together, including being housemates at university, so once we were in a relationship we got serious pretty quickly! At that point we were long distance with him living in the midlands (England) and me in London. He and my stepson were planning a special Christmassy day in London to go to some museums and ice skating etc, so we decided I would pop along for a bit. It worked really well as we mainly walked around the Science museum, so we chatted about the exhibits and there were lots of hands on parts that my stepson ran off to play with, so it wasn’t intense. Nice and low key, and the main event was their special day together rather than meeting me. Interestingly I can’t actually remember first meeting my stepdaughter (who was 13 at the time). She didn’t come on the London day so I met her later on. I guess if I can’t remember it must have been pretty low-key and not traumatic for either of us 🤷♀️ I hope that’s the case for her anyway! The first meeting is so nerve wracking, it’s no wonder you’re thinking about it a lot! Here to reassure you that when that’s out of the way you’ll probably feel a lot more relaxed. You seem to know your boys well and have fantastic instincts when it comes to parenting, so hopefully you can tap into those instincts more once that first nervy meet up is out of the way!
Dog walk! There is something psychological about walking side by side outside with an animal that chills everyone out. I’ve read it’s something about proposition and being shoulder-to-shoulder, but who knows? My daughter used to peek at my then boyfriend out her window if he came over to drop something off, so she could see what he looked like. She never wanted to meet him, which we respected. The scary thing about kids meeting partners? They KNOW! The first time my six year old met my second husband—just as a casual friend swinging by—my daughter said “mom, break ups with the guy you’re dating and date this guy instead.” 😍
I have a longtime coworker who has a similar story about how he got together with his second wife. Said wife is an absolute GEM of a human, but at first the two adults were a bit wary of a relationship, probably because everyone totes around some relationship baggage by mid-life. However, his daughter, then a young teen, was just like “Dad, this one is right for you!” and she did know.
Ask your kids what they would like to do? If that might seem overwhelming maybe give them a couple of options and let them pick one. I presume they are aware of him so it wont come as a huge surprise when you mention it might be nice for you all to meet. When my Mum and my stepdad (although I eventually called him Dad) started dating, the first time my sister and I met him he came in to pick up my Mum and he brought us a packet of toffypops (our favourite biscuits at the time). It was just a quick 5 minute chat and then he was just in our lives. Nothing too over thought and any man that brought biscuits was probably going to have our hearts. Good luck and if you feel like you can, it would be lovely to hear out it goes.
There are so many good suggestions here, but if it’s any comfort, I did ALL of the ‘wrong’ things when introducing my partner to my daughter. He met her after he had stayed over on the sofa and promised he would leave before she woke up…! It could have been a disaster, but luckily they hit it off. We moved in together after 6 months and (despite some normal bumps) are very happy in our new set up. I still give myself a hard time for not doing things better, but then remind myself there is no perfect way to do things. So, go easy on yourself and trust that your kids and your partner can figure it out.
I completely agree. I likely also did this all ‘wrong’ in introducing my three kids (ages 11 to 13) to my new partner, six years or so after divorce from their father. I had only known him for a few weeks at the time, but they were curious enough about who I was spending time with some evenings, I thought it was time to make the connection. He is a relaxed and cool guy, respectful of kids and their feelings (even if he doesn’t know exactly what they are!), and more than a year later, they have an easy and positive relationship, and he is around our home a couple times a week. Just so say there are many ways that this introduction ends okay or better than okay!
I feel like bringing him to your home would invade the boys safe space. A neutral place away from home with an activity or food to break the ice would probably be less jarring. 6 months is also pretty soon when kids are young. If you don’t need to I would wait a while longer to make sure it’s going to be someone in your life long term. We can have a romantic life without our kids needing to be emotionally invested.
I agree with this. I am all for dating and having a lovely romantic life after divorce. But 6 months of dating is not long in my opinion. The beginning is always exciting and fizzy. I would wait before involving the boys.
I completely disagree with this…yes, it’s the boys’ home, but it’s also Joanna’s home, and there’s no reason why having Freddie come over should make them feel unsafe. They’re in a stable, loving environment meeting someone their mom loves and trusts. As for six months being “too soon”, there is no universal standard of time for when the correct time is. Joanna has obviously considered this very thoughtfully, and she feels the time is right. Also, they’re teenagers (well, Anton not quite yet ;) and from all accounts, have the maturity and the grounded sense of self to be able to handle it.
There’s no set amount of time that’s right! I think it’s definitely all situation and personality dependent. I met my now-husband’s son after we’d dated only month which I felt was fast at the time, but ended up being so wonderful and 4 years later those are some of my favorite memories. His son had only ever met one other woman he’d dated and that was after over a year of dating, so it was unusual for him as well. We were so comfortable and had such open communication that we were comfortable taking that step. My husband also didn’t want to hide something that was clearly going to be a very big part of his life from his son and wanted to find out sooner rather than later that we’d get on well. His son and I hit it off so well that two weeks later he asked his mom if she could drop him off with me to decorate for his dad’s birthday as a surprise. Living out of fear can keep you from experiencing lots of wonderful things!
I think the spider plan is the best, so all you have to do is get a very scary and possibly lethal spider, free it in your house and then call Freddie to the rescue. Keep as posted please!
Unpopular opinion: wait until it has been a year. I’m sorry if that sounds stuffy, but I think that it is better to not rush these things at all. It doesn’t sound as if Freddie is going anywhere, but I would give the relationship time to leave the honeymoon period before introducting kids. JMO.
Agree
Thank you for this. I’m in a relationship post-divorce. We’ve been together for over a year and still haven’t introduced our children to each other. After reading comments about how the majority (?) seem to be introducing kids much earlier on, it made me question things. Our kids are between 6-8 and we won’t be having kids together, so I try and come back to “what’s the rush?” when the comparison trap hits hard.
I think one reason I introduced my kids to my current partner just a few weeks after we met each other, is probably that I am the primary (more or less only) parent and caregiver. Their father lives far away and sees them a couple times per year. So it wasn’t like I could spend time with him while they were with their other parent; they always knew when I went out to meet him! and it only seemed natural that they would meet him too. With very low stakes from my side (we are dating, I think he’s a very nice person, this doesn’t mean we are getting married or any other big changes!) this is what has worked for us.
A year does not sound stuff! Parents have had significant time to process their divorce. Your kids have not. Because you are excited it doesn’t mean your children will be! All is required of your children is to be respectful and polite. You are not only introducing your kids, but your kids best mates also. My best friend’s mum tortured all of us in our teens with her carousel of boyfriends. Her dad…waited 12 months. He invited a group of us on a run. He casual introduced my friend’s future stepmom as a very special running mate, who he has now been married to for 30 years!
I would agree if her boys were young enough not to care much about what “grownups” do, but her boys are old enought to definitely be curious and maybe even protective of her. Meeting their mother’s friend sooner, on neutral territory so they don’t feel invaded, seems best to me. Joanna’s timing feels spot on, to me.
Agree!
Someone close to me has been really moving fast (and disappearing into) her first relationship post divorce, and it’s been so hard to watch it and know the kids are having to deal with it too—I don’t think this is at all what Joanna is doing and this is way more thought and prep than my friend did introducing the kids, and in this case the divorce was and continues to be SO contentious that I secretly wished she’d left the kids out of it a while longer. If your gut is to keep them separate, I think that is totally fine—you have time, enjoy not having to figure everything out just yet! (This is in response to SLB)
my gut instinct is that an incidental first meeting, like the spider-killing scenario, is the best way to go. Zero pressure on that — there is a practical reason they are there, the encounter is brief, and you let it all sink in. Any “first date” scenario is automatically a bigger ask.
Don’t do it at your apartment! I met my dads new girlfriend in our home and totally freaked out when she moved around our space like she lived there, grabbing cups and snacks, shoes in the closet. It felt invasive because she didn’t feel like a guest. Also, don’t go to a place with memories, like a fav ice cream place. It could feel to the boys like he is intruding on your special spots. It’s best to go somewhere new or do a novel activity where you can all experience it for the first time or for Freddie to introduce all of you to one of his fav.
Only advice from my youth. Meet each other’s kids first without your kids. So when you (Jo) meet Freddie’s kids, don’t bring your kids. And vice versa. Meeting everyone all together is way too much. It will be just fine.
Agree with this!
Hi Jo! Everyone has such thoughtful ideas. Sounds like a lot of people are suggesting out of the house and on the boys’ terms, which seems like such a nice approach. If you do decide to bring Freddie over, I had the thought that the boys will see that he knows whether or not to take off his shoes at the door and that he’ll be able to help himself to a glass of water because he’s familiar with what’s in the cabinets. Although it’s “their turf” and they have never been there with him before, the clear visual of how much time he has spent at the house when they’ve been gone might sit a little funny if it’s their first time meeting him.
My kid is grown now but I was a single mom most of her life – starting during pregnancy, so really *most most* of her life. :) I decided early on that she would/could meet, basically, any date. This meant that that there was never really any pressure because any date she met was *no big deal.* I was just hanging out, goin on a date, and because it was a normal part of my grownup life, like my job (for example), it largely meant nothing to my kid. You and Freddie seem more serious than I was with most of the folks I dated, which makes the situation different! On the rare occasion when I was dating someone more seriously, I tried to keep meetings away from our home, as that felt like my kid’s and my space and bringing someone into felt important in a way that brought a heaviness. I tried to have the meeting in a space where my kid was comfortable, but there was no real focus on either my kid or my sweetheart. Restaurants, parks, anywhere that was a bit normal for my child. Having it be a normal spot for her reduced the pressure, too. What I found was that my kid knew and trusted me. So when I brought folks around, she could rely on me and my actions to help her develop her own understanding of things.