When Did You Feel Like Yourself After Having Kids?
After a year of middle-of-the-night feeds, leaky breasts, and stretchy pants, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Since giving birth to my second child, Emiliano, I’ve been waiting (longing? counting the days in desperation?) until the moment I finally come out of the fog of new parenthood.
Jannelle and Ella
When my now four-year-old daughter was a baby, I felt grounded in my new reality around seven months. Before Ella, I had never changed a diaper or rocked a newborn. But somehow, seven months after we brought her home from the hospital, I felt like me. Maybe even a better version of me. More capable, someone who got the hang of new skills like bathing a wiggly baby or shaking open a stroller with one hand. Every month, I’d share photos of Ella and me on Instagram, partly because I adored showing her off, but also, because I felt so happy — and to be honest, proud — of how quickly I came back to myself. I wanted to show all my friends ‘See, the old me is still here! You can have a baby and still meet up with friends for movie nights! And take your baby on hikes! And hang out in cafés.” I thought I’d mastered the art of weaving the baby into my life.
Today? I’m 14 months postpartum and still feel completely different from that old version of Jannelle. For example, I’m definitely more scatter-brained. Throughout college, I juggled full course loads of classes while holding down a part-time job — and never missed a deadline or shift. And in my early career, I worked full time, went to the gym five times a week, read books (!), and met up with friends. But this year, I can barely stay on top of the littlest things. This summer I accidentally left the fridge door open THREE times, while in a rush to get out the door. After the third time it happened, I broke down in tears in our kitchen, sobbing to my husband Max, “I’m running with half my brain. This isn’t me.” Ten months after Emiliano was born, I finally realized that during this stage in life, I can’t do everything I did in my pre-baby life. And that’s been a hard pill to swallow.
Thankfully, over time, I’ve found a few things that help me feel at home in my mind and body. Going on three-mile runs remind me that my body can climb hills and burst into sprints. And wearing my gold hoops every day adds glamour to my uniform of jeans and a T-shirt. The biggest game changer? Finally embracing the fact that I might not ever return to the woman I was pre-kids. At first, even the thought made me feel like a failure — like motherhood had consumed my entire identity. But now it feels liberating. I feel open to creating new rituals, like waking early to sneak in a chapter of a dreamy novel. It also gives me the motivation and peace to say no to old habits that aren’t serving me (like watching Traitors episodes until 1 a.m.) I’m only two months into no longer trying to feel like “pre-kid Jannelle,” but so far these two months have made my head feel clearer and more fulfilled in my role as a mom.
Curious to hear the perspective of a more seasoned parent, I reached out to Abbey Nova, a mom of 15-year-old and seven-year-old boys, and she shares similar feelings: “I felt like I ‘should’ go back to ‘normal,’ but motherhood forever changed me. Motherhood stripped away the decorative elements and revealed the structural bones of who I was. It’s a version of yourself — not your pre-kid self exactly, but a more distilled, focused version. The parts of yourself that matter the most have a way of reasserting themselves over time. And, for me, this happened with both kids around the time they were seven.”
Becoming a parent has brought so much goodness into my life. Like experiencing the magic of my daughter recognizing me for the first time, and tracing my son’s profile while he’s sleeping, so perfect it actually brings tears to my eyes. But parenthood also comes with growing pains, and it’s reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one trying to find myself again. Even the goddess Rihanna said motherhood threw her into a 180-degree identity shift.
Jannelle and Emiliano
If you have kids, do you feel like you’ve returned to your old self? Or do you feel like a different version of yourself since becoming a parent? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Motherhood is so personal and nuanced and having a safe space to share the highs and lows is such a gift. xoxo
P.S. Trying out slow parenting, and when did you bond with your baby?
Comments
177 commentsI have a 4 year old and a 7 year old. We chose to have our kids really young and I was isolated away from my friends because they weren’t in that mindset yet. My career was derailed twice because my preferred job can’t be done while pregnant. Everyone else I work with either are never having kids or are much older. Parents at school are a decade older than us and we can’t relate to them. We don’t have the support system we thought we would have despite living close to my husbands whole extended family. I still don’t feel like my true self and I hate it.
I am so glad I read this. It completely validated so many feelings I’ve had about navigating parenthood. The honesty about the “fog” and trying to find your footing again after having kids deeply resonated with me.
I am right there with you – I have an almost 4 year old and an 18 month old and felt like I was mostly back to me after my first. After my second? Not so much. But I’m granting myself some space because I’m 2.5 years older than I was last time I had an 18 month old and, also, I have 100% more children. I think that was the craziest thing to me – going from 1 to 2 kids means 100% more kids than you previously had and I was not prepared for 100% more of everything. I suppose I will continue to adapt to being a mother of two who is career-minded (and loves the business of her work!) and who no longer has time or energy to train for half marathons or hit the gym 4x per week and who mostly reads mushy books. This is all ok. This is my season.
Having kids made me smarter, more empathetic, more grateful for time w my friends, more grateful for my parents and every parent around me, more accepting of the chaos. It took me awhile to realize the changes. I still think about life without kids every once in an awhile, but they are a gift and shaped me into a person I’m really proud of.
I needed this post so much. I’m 26 weeks pregnant, due in June with my first baby. Despite being 35, I worry at times that I’m still too immature to be a mom. I care too much about aesthetics, friendship drama. I used to regularly skip meals just because I was too lazy. I’d basically eat candy for lunch some days. My whole salary would go towards clothes. But reading the part of this article describing the decorative elements being stripped away, revealing a more focused self- it gave me so much hope. Thank you <3
My kids are almost the same ages as yours, Janelle (4 and 14 months) and I’ve found it SO much harder to even begin to feel like myself again after the second kid. I’m really not even close yet and it’s hard not to be frustrated with that. I’ve loved reading all of these comments and feeling so understood and hopeful. Thank you all for reminding me that it takes time and I’ll get there again.
I’m fundamentally different. It took until my second was 2 (my oldest is 7) to realize that this is who I am now. I feel more politically activated, more sure of who I am in many ways although not always sure about what my role in society is considering I “stay home” (hate this term). One of my kids is also neurodivergent and that has sort of cleaved our family from neurotypical families in many ways, so I often feel like we’re on a different journey altogether.
Could you please do a post on who we become when we cannot become parents? I feel like I need that guidance and perspective, at this fork in the road where I am realizing motherhood may not happen for me.
I love this and need this sooooo much right now. I would love to hear from women who did not have children share their “becoming” stories. Who did they evolve into or uncover after motherhood did not happen for them (by choice or otherwise)
I couldn’t not comment. I see you! I’m right there with you in your experience, it’s such a nuts thing to go through. But I too have been slowly finding peace. My girls are 5 and 2 – soon to be 6 and 3 – which feels like I should have my shit together. And in some ways I feel like I have this stuff down. But in others, I feel like I’m still flailing around. And it takes only one virus to strike for everything to feel chaotic. But I’ve learned so much about life and myself in those years. I read somewhere about when a baby is born, a mother is too. There’s something in that for sure.
I found the identity shift of becoming a mother very difficult and 9 years in, still do sometimes. A couple of books which I found helpful were: “Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself” by Lisa Marchiano and “Mind over Mother” and “Raising a Happier Mother” both by Anna Mathur. For anyone struggling with the changes of becoming a mother, you are not alone and there is no shame in it. It is no reflection of how much you love your kids.
Whenever I come across talks about motherhood and selfhood, I pivot to this Rachel Cusk quote: “Birth is not merely that which divides women from men: it also divides women from themselves, so that a woman’s understanding of what it is to exist is profoundly changed. Another person has existed in her, and after their birth the live within the jurisdiction of her consciousness. When she is with them she is not herself; when she is without them she is not herself; and so it is as difficult to leave your children as it is to stay with them. To discover this is to feel that your life has become irretrievably mired in conflict, or caught in some mythic snare in which you will perpetually, vainly struggle.” I initially found it quite ominous, and found it really resonated with the loss of self one feels in the early years of motherhood. But I now find it so liberating, it’s like a new door opened and I get to rewrite what self means.
This really speaks to me. Thanks for sharing.
I had a similar experience, our first daughter fit into our life fairly easily and quickly. I felt like a better version of myself overall but with some realization that part of my life would have to adjust a bit especially at work. With my second daughter, it took longer to find balance. It required a mind shift. I stopped relying on a “all or nothing” approach and focused on incremental gains across all areas of my life. It helped tremendously. Progress is quiet with this approach but it adds up over time and consistency is incredibly effective and more sustainable. She is 3.5 years old, we recently took a trip and everything felt incredibly easy compared to previous years. We could go site seeing for longer, did not bring our big stroller, did not have to change diapers and could stay up a bit late to eat out. Wonderful. After being in cruise control at work, I feel ready to go back to my old self and take on new exciting challenges. It feels nice to arrive at this stage in life, where everything has changed but you come on the other side battle tested, more in tune with your new self and ready to take on new challenges.
In the nearly 13 years since I first became a parent, I feel like I’ve morphed through several different versions of myself, some shocking, some terrifying, some proud, but none the person I was before I was a mother. The me of today is wiser, more authentic, and more bold than the pre-parenting me. Thank goodness.
I feel exactly the same, 8 years in. It took me at least 4 or 5 years to even be able to find at least an outline of a self, and I’ve been slowly filling in that contour. But it’s nothing like my pre-motherhood self, and that’s amazing😀
I have a 21 month old daughter, and have just turned 40. Honestly, I’ve felt completely grounded in who I am for almost ten years now, and when I had my daughter that sense of clarity around my identity etc just became even more solidified. I am the most myself I’ve ever been <3.
I feel your brain pain! I really struggled with my memory after my second kid was born. And then she finally started sleeping through the night and I promptly got a concussion! It was a very humbling experience to say the least. As someone who has never struggled keeping track of things or remembering details, it gave me a lot of empathy for people who always struggle with that. They can’t just try harder to remember—sometimes your brain just literally cannot and it’s a very helpless feeling that is only worsened when others are frustrated by it! I feel better now, but I’m still continually alarmed at how much information just glides through my brain like butter.
Also post-partum at 14 months with our one and only child. I have really leaned into, “this is a season of our lives” so that I enjoy it. It won’t be forever. I feel pretty good most days, but the mom brain has been hard. I have still been out xc skiing and hiking with my other mom friends and that has really made me feel like my old self. Even if evening dates and spontaneous fun are harder to come by. Jannelle you always come across as an absolute queen, so I’m glad you’re starting to extend yourself the same compassion I’m sure you’d feel for your other mom friends!
My youngest (and forever baby, because we are DONE yes sir) is now two and a half and I’m slowly starting to pick up pieces of my old self and seeing if they still fit. My oldest is turning 7 in november, the middle one turns 5 in may. I’m still feeling mostly like a mom, but I’m confident a new version of myself will be found. I’m guessing somewhere in a year or 3, when the youngest starts primary? Until then: grace upon grace and lots of breathing.
It’s so interesting to read about everyone’s motherhood journeys and searching for that autonomy and sense of self. I can’t say it hit me as this large awakening or awareness but it was the unraveling of complications replaced with a new stage of complexity. In simple words, when I could *just get dressed* in anything, from my closet, no nursing bra, no c section support wrap, no strategically made decisions on what was best going to fit, etc. When I got dressed like I used to, before the babies. It was that task alone that helped me take a deep breath and reclaim something for myself.
I feel this. I was laid off 3 months to the day after I came back from maternity leave. Trying to job search in the postpartum haze has been incredibly difficult. But I can’t give up.
Hey, just wanted to say this happened to my best friend. It took her a very difficult year and a half and she really struggled. But she found a job. One foot in front of the other. Ask for and take all the support you can get. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Kat, so sorry this happened. Sending love and I agree that this is a season in life for you to ask for and receive all the support you can get! It’s also a time to reflect on and appreciate all that you have to offer this world—and being a mother shows us just how capable we are at managing multiple things at once, decision making, delegating, supporting, encouraging, etc and also our ability to dig deep when things get tough. Hang in there. You got this, mama!
Oh Kat, this sounds so hard. I am sending you a huge hug of solidarity and hoping you find a wonderful employer who checks all your boxes and then some! Anyone would be lucky to have such a tenacious teammate.
Kat, I just saw your comment and I’m so sorry to hear this. I was in a similar position. My son is now 13 months and after many months of searching, I have just accepted a job offer. I followed the blog Mother Untitled and read her book The Power Pause. There’s a section in there that talks about looking for a job after a career pause and how to frame it during interviews. I felt like it truly helped me feel confident making the decision to go back to corporate full time and even had some interview tips in there. You got this!
This happened to me too, Kat. It took me a long time to get my head around the fact I hadn’t failed at my job (their reason for firing me) and that it was actually really messed up. Its extra hard to be devalued in all the post-partum emotions. Just know you will get through and people need smart women like you to help them get the job done. I decided to freelance which has been a good path for me. Sending you so much love and healing!!!
I feel ok about my new self, except perhaps the lack of regular exercise;) I’ve had a much harder time adjusting to being a new mom in the absolute insanity that is our world right now. Insecurity, with my partner and federal employee.
My kids are 5 and 7. The only time I feel like “myself” is when I’m driving our minivan with them in the back, and we’re making hilarious, heartfelt conversation or when I’m laughing with my sisters or girlfriends late at night. My marriage is still catching up to parenthood, and I have no clue about my career. My youngest starts kindergarten in 5 months, and I keep oscillating between devastation and the hope that maybe I’ll get the time to start figuring things out. That’s possible, right? Right?
RIGHT. ❤️
“ My marriage is still catching up to parenthood” erin this phrase is a miraculous gift to me today, thank you thank you
I do believe we become new versions of ourselves. The old me is still there, but I’m forever changed because of Motherhood. How could I not be? I didn’t feel myself until I stopped breastfeeding but I’d say I really started to feel like I came home to myself 2 years postpartum. Keep in mind some of your hormones take up to that time to level out! A mantra I said the first year of motherhood was, “this is reality right now, but not forever.” It was a game changer for me. Middle of the night feeds? Not forever. Teething baby? Not forever. Nursing bra fashion? Not forever. You and your baby will continue to grow and change. I hope that’s encouraging for you new Mama’s out there in the trenches of sleep deprivation and hormonal changes. You really will return to a new version of yourself and it’s okay if your timeline looks different than others! 💛
I love this and say something similar to myself- “This is just a moment in time”.
This matches my experience as well with kiddo #1 – stopping breastfeeding was one transition back to myself, but age two was the real turning point. I have to keep reminding myself with kiddo 2 that I’m in a difficult season of life. All these comments are so grounding and helpful. 💕
Does anyone have tips for integrating exercise into mom life? After my baby sleeps, I am so tired and have to deal with the mess she and I made during the day (no time to clean really because she is so young that if I take my eyes off her, something else may happen…). Any good youtube videos, for example, that incorporate a baby into an exercise routine?! Sounds funny, but really!
Hi Kate! I’m unsure about videos, but I did do mom & baby stroller fitness classes in person way back in 2019 when my son was an infant. We did a lot of things with the kids in their strollers, but when he didn’t want to be in the stroller (which was fairly often, especially in the winter indoors workouts), I would strap him into the ergo and modify moves as needed. For example, I wouldn’t use the bands near him in case they snapped and flung back and for planks I would do leaning wall planks. And other things I would do slower to make sure I didn’t lose my balance and fall (like lunges and squats). And then for other things he would just be sitting next to me or rolling around on the mat while I did exercises. As for integrating it into mom life past infancy and after I returned back to work, I have to get up before the kids to exercise and shower during work days or it won’t happen. I don’t love the alarm going off at 5 AM (I am naturally a night owl), and sometimes I slip into hitting the snooze button for a week straight, but that’s life! I just get back into it the next week then. We also try to live an active lifestyle with our kids to get movement in that way – running around the house playing tickle monster or laser tag, going for walks/hikes/scooter/bike rides, playing soccer and basketball and such in the back yard.
This is really helpful and hopeful. Thank you Mary! I love your approach to not getting frustrated if you miss your alarm (another night-person here).
I swore by Momma Strong workouts after babies #3 and #4– they’re only 15 min long so I always felt like, no matter what is happening I can take 15 minutes for me (even though sometimes it would take me twice as long to do the workout if I had to pause and help kids). Now that all my kids are older I’ve graduated to longer & more intense workouts by waking up very early (5:15), but that would have been impossible while up at night nursing babies so just give yourself grace and start small!
Second VNM’s recommendation for Momma Strong.
Check out growwithjo on Youtube– I’m not a mom myself but I really enjoy her routines and in some videos she actually DOES incorporate what it looks like to work out in your living room with a toddler wandering around!
I have loved the exercise/movement offered by Dr. Mae Hughes pelvic floor physical therapist in Nashville. I pay for her annual virtual membership which gives you 4 new work outs a week designed to be safe for postpartum. She is often holding her baby or has her baby nearby and they’re short and sweet to realistically accomplish during naptimes! If you’re unsure about a full membership, check out her Instagram page. She has lots of helpful reels.
Oh god please don’t roast me for this haha but daily hard exercise is critical for my mental health and the way I get it done is scheduling around showers (and sigh breastfeeding of course) instead of workouts. So I do less sweaty strength training workouts on days I can’t shower and will get by with a quick clean up. Showers scheduled on sweaty cardio days. Also an early morning before work workout person. And I’m in a position where I have a partner at home who knows my daily workout is vital to everyone’s happiness :)
Look up Stroller Strides/Fit4Mom and see if they have classes in your area! Some offer virtual classes too. You can bring your baby and the instructors help you modify to incorporate holding or carrying your baby. It’s really fun and a nice way to meet other moms! Sometimes I also just put on a 10-20 min Peloton strength or core class and lay my baby next to me on the floor. He’s entertained by watching me for that amount of time… though any longer probably wouldn’t fly. So part of it is sometimes adjusting your expectations about what can constitute a workout… 20 mins may be all that fits into your mom routine and that’s TOTALLY fine!
MIZI on youtube. its free Chloe Ting is great too. you can select low impact if your still healing. With my first I paid and did Barre 3 because they had childcare and I could take my baby there an it was a great way to meet people with kids. Now I have three kids and just need cheap fast and efficient
Kate, check out Baby Booty – https://www.babybootyworkout.com/ondemand this is a class local to me in Maine but they have on demand videos too! The workout is designed to be done with a baby strapped to you. Why don’t all gyms offer child care?!?
I’m up reading this at 1:29 a.m. instead of before kids at 3 pm. at my job LOL. I feel like I’m treading water on the best of days. I left my keys in my door so many times postpartum, I bought a keyless entry. That’s what motherhood is. Tiny steps forward and backwards, I never thought I would get keyless entry. Ruins the vibe. My neighbor used to text me daily that I left my car door open. I am not the version of the girl I used to be. I have white hairs coming in now. I miss the way my boobs before they were put to work. They have dropped, so far down. Never been more mammal as a mom and I’m aging in dog years. He picks me Dandelions daily and we put them into a jar with water. We are a solo family, and tonight, we read a book about his family, which is just Mama and Lennox. Tonight for the first time he said Lennox has NO DADDY JUST A MOMMY. He was SO happy and gave me the biggest hug. Impregnating my self was the best decision and whew I will never be that girl reading Cup a jo at 3:45 at work computer because I had all the time in the world, but no dandeloins.
This is so sweet, Tara and I’m so impressed and feel so proud of you! Also lol same: “Never been more mammal as a mom and I’m aging in dog years.”
I love this so much. Yay for all the dandelions in your life now <3
Congratulations Tara on your dandelions – know a solo dad friend recently in those trenches. Your boy is lucky to have you!
Teary at this, Tara! Beautiful
This is so adorable!!! Your special book moment reminds me that in light of all the banning, every child needs books that represent their actual world and their selves. Not only the ideal world or a world driven by a certain set of rules. Books and shows that make them feel seen and loved and real. It means everything.
Were you the nurse that posted on CoJ about going after motherhood solo post divorce? Or just coincidence? If yes, how cool to have an update!!
Your lovely post reminds me of the song The Mother by Brandi Carlile. I love that song. I cry every time I hear it. The live version she did in Texas years ago is especially moving. But just reading the lyrics or hearing any version is moving. I’d include a link if I knew how. Your post is moving also and every time I read it, I get tearful, in the best way. Your son Lennox has a great mom. <3
SOBBING
This made me cry very real tears. Parenting is all about the dandelions.
ANON, I work in public health but YES, I think that’s me! xoxox
Last summer, I was deeply mourning my loss of self. Motherhood gives so much and takes so much in the process. I wanted to explain what I was feeling to my husband, so I played him “She Used To Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles. I was crying so hard it took me until the end of the song to realize he was crying too. ❤️
Commenting twice (not sure that’s allowed!) but I’m wondering if anyone has lost friendships after having kids. I feel like my relationship with one of my best friends is dying (or maybe going into hibernation). She has kids, too, so it’s not that she doesn’t understand. I honestly think it’s more that I can’t be as good a friend as I used to be. We live far from each other, and before I had kids I could visit all the time, watch her kids, text all day long, and not accidentally say the wrong thing all the time (less tired? Less mom-brain?) But now I just can’t show up in the same way at all. I don’t blame her for seeming more distant and annoyed but at the same time I feel sad that we aren’t surviving this.
Just talk to her about it. Things can’t resolve if you don’t. You also don’t know how she is feeling, and neither of you are mind readers. Have the conversation – I can guarantee it will help.
I was on the other side of this, and I think what would have helped would have been for her to be more direct about what was happening for her and if she still wanted to be friends in a new way, or take a step back, or something else. A lesser step that could still be impactful would just be to send a text like “how are things going with you? I miss you” and let her tell you about her life.
I’m right there with you. My best friend (since high school), recently got divorced. She came to meet the baby and help out while my husband went on business travel. We got into an argument and I don’t think our friendship will ever be the same. We’re in different places in our lives and don’t live close to each other. Sad but maybe it’s for the best.
I needed this right now. I just had a baby 6 days ago and have really been struggling in the fog. I opened up cup of jo during one of my many feedings and felt seen.
vish congratulations on your sweet baby – you’ve done a miraculous thing and that fog will come in and out and in and out – you’re gonna be great xx
This is so timely! I am 6 months postpartum and really struggling with this. It doesn’t help that the job I was supposed to go back to no longer exists thanks to DOGE. This post and the comments made me cry and feel seen. Being a mother is amazing and disorienting. I’m hopeful all the upheaval will help me reorder my life into something even better for where I am now, but at the moment I just feel lost.
I’m so sorry about your job.
Sending you a huge hug. Returning to work from a parental leave is challenging enough without major upheaval and job loss. I hope you find something amazing.
It took till they were both teens to reclaim hobbies and friends that didn’t revolve around their hobbies and friends! It’s all good though, I loved immersing myself into their worlds at the time.
My youngest is 9 years old and I finally feel like old me. Wild but true.
I’ll second this one. It takes until you believe in your bones that if you left the house for half an hour, not only would the kids be fine, but they might not even notice you had gone, that you can really think your own thoughts again. (In broader answer to the question, I had my first baby – who is now 12 – at 25, so do I feel like my pre-baby self? No, but she also basically didn’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex yet, nor a career, nor much experience with anything adult-y yet…)
What an incredibly heartwarming topic. My son is 2.5 and in reading all of these wonderful comments, all I can say is that I don’t feel completely like myself yet, maybe I never will, or maybe this is just the new me. Motherhood came at a time in life for me when other significant changes also appeared. My sister has come to live with us on a temporary but very extended basis after facing a life challenge other family me are facing health issues that demand our time and energy, and still other family members have imposed an almost grandiose level of entitlement on our time. All of these factors have disoriented me, and it’s hard to see/feel/hear the inner me through it all. I’m focusing on the precious joys that come with motherhood and I’m also starting to see some dark gifts of that the other life circumstances have given me: namely, the realization that I’m a people pleaser and working on finding my inner voice, and most especially trusting it, will be one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself and my son.
In 2024 a female scientist did the first ever comprehensive imaging study of her brain throughout her pregnancy. Sad that it was the very first time someone actually was able to study this. The results showed that pregnancy is a time of tremendous neuroplasticity, meaning change in the actual grey and white matter making up the structure of the brain. So a pregnant person’s brain is literally being remade by the very fact of being pregnant. There is some rebound after pregnancy, but you are forever changed. So don’t be hard on yourself if you feel different. You *are literally * different.
This! Also I cannot recommend Matrescence by Lucy Jones enough. Such a great book that talk a about this.
As a new mom of a 16 month old, I am reading this with tears down my face. Thanks for putting this out into the world, even though I knew I wouldn’t be the same and have heard this sentiment the way you wrote it was so helpful.
Oh thank you so much Shannon. You’ve got this, and so many of us are in the same boat as you! xo
My kids are 2 and 4 and I’m more scattered brain than ever and sleeping terribly!
Physically, 8 months (and I am not referring to weight loss. This is more about things I could do before pregnancy). I felt more comfortable, confident and a version of my old self around when my son was 3!
Need this right now. When Jannelle said she realized she can’t do all the things she did before having two kids…I am slowly coming to this realization as well and more importantly, trying to accept (maybe someday embrace?) it.
It’s soooo hard and humbling Laura. But honestly, what helps is knowing that it’s all for a season, and it’s pushing me to ask my husband for more help which has been really good for us. You’re not alone in this xx
Sending out a Hail Mary SOS from DC since this is a caring, politically minded community. Congress is threatening to take away home rule and reduce our city’s budget by over 1 billion dollars. DC has no authority over our budget and the GOP, despite being all for local government, wants to cut funding for our public schools, police, food assistance and other basic programs. If you want to do something today, please call your rep and ask them to vote no on the budget today (and ask for DC representation in congress!). https://freedcproject.org/news/congress-stay-out-of-dcs-budget Also if anyone wants to help with DC rights please get involved with Free DC – we have no congressional representation and are often powerless – it will take other people around the country standing up for us and asking for our rights to make a change.
I didn’t feel like myself until 1. I was done breastfeeding 2. I could sleep enough to be human, and 3. My kids could communicate most basic needs pretty well. And even then, it’s not ‘like my old self’. My children are 9 and 12 now, and I am a different version of me than I was pre-motherhood.
Same! Breastfeeding (which for me looked like pumping/triple feeding) was so hard for me, so overwhelming physically and emotionally. It took a month or so after quitting to feel ‘like myself’ again (the mom version). It felt to good to have my body back to myself, more or less. I felt kind of guilty about it with my first, but not as much with my second.
I didn’t feel more like myself until my kid was more independent, around 4 or 5. Not a popular answer I know, but man, motherhood rocked me. My introverted career-focused personality did NOT mesh well with baby/toddler-ville, at all. Once my kid could do some things on his own (without supervision) and I could have some peace and quiet in the mornings and could focus my brain a bit more on non-kid stuff, I began to become more “me” again. Though if I’m being really honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully like I was before, I am fundamentally changed. In most ways better (it really gets you to see the best and worst parts of your personality, ha!), but my brain is still much more scatterbrained now, sigh.
This was my experience, too! I started to feel a little more normal around 2, but it was really around 5, when she was more independent, that I felt like I got more mental energy back for things like hobbies, pushing myself at work, etc. My kid just turned 6 and juggling things feels much easier now than it used to.
I relate hard to having a introverted career-focused personality, and this is the part that scares me most about having kids. I really would like to (and my partner too), but I’m worried that I’ll struggle hard with the day-to-day of not having “me-time” during the early years.
Josy – it’s such a personal decision so I wouldn’t presume to know your specific situation but I just wanted to say that I’d describe my personality pretty similarly, and this was something I worried about before our son was born. It’s definitely a huge transition but I’ve actually found it reset my relationship to work in a good way – I have a big job and I still care a lot, but I feel less anxious, far less engaged in the politics/bullshit, and less like my career is my sole identity. Time alone is harder to come by but so precious, and time with a baby can be in its own way really meditative – it’s forced phones down time, and watching a baby explore the world can be really engaging (and yes of course sometimes really boring, but I try to see it as an opportunity to slow down because that is not my inclination). Good luck to you as you think through this big decision! It’s scary of course but it’s also really wonderful ❤️
Yeah it’s hard getting used to being “a hot mess” after being on top of things. My kids are three y.o. and 17 months old, and I’m still a hot mess. Planning a third pregnancy, so I better just get used to it.
Oof this post rocked me. I’m on the precipice of quitting my job to stay home with my kids (this is my last week of work!) and I have an almost 4 and a 1.5 yo. It’s taken me this long for my job to not really work anymore for me and my family (too much travel, true part time wasn’t an option). My plan is to eventually go back to work but to embrace this time with littles for a few years and dive into the chaos. But all this comments about losing yourself in motherhood have kicked off some pre-transition jitters! Any one choose to stay at home a few years into your kids’ lives and go through this transition? Any advice on how to maintain my own identity and fulfillment while simultaneously fully embracing my kids and motherhood? After unloading the dishwasher with my toddler yesterday for 45 minutes i was about to lose my mind…
Check out the book, “The Power Pause”, a great read on the shift into staying at home for a season! The author offers great thoughts around ways to grow and enrich yourself in ways that may not have been previously possible during this season of your life. Something I find useful during this time is reminding myself of how fleeting these years really are and that in the grand scheme of my life this really will only be a handful of years. I’ve also prioritized attending professional training in my field and staying connected through groups to my profession and using this time to expand and deepen my training in ways that I didn’t have bandwidth for before. Best of luck in the transition!
Hi Jess! I transitioned to SAHM in January about a month before my son turned 3. It was a tough decision to make and honestly I wasn’t sure I was going to go through with it all the way up to my last day. And then the next morning it felt like the most obvious correct choice for me in the world! Since the transition, I have joined a ladies group at my church that meets one morning a week and have been able to develop friendships there. I have also taken up quilting and that’s been adorable to watch my toddler get into. He watches the tutorial videos with me on YouTube and talks about free motion quilting and half square triangles now. We have also been growing some seeds to have a garden this summer. I guess where I’m going with this is you can introduce your kids to stuff you want to do anyway, you don’t have to always cater the activities to them and they can still learn and have a good time. I also have more time to take basic care of myself like workout, go for a walk, and take a shower, which we all know can be a struggle when they’re little! Good luck on your last week at work and enjoy the next chapter!
Oh I loved being home ! I worked part time 2 eves per week. Was fortunate that I was a nurse so had flexibility plus decent income for part time. I would not have given up the time home with my daughter for anything in the world. We had a blast. It makes me happy to see your comment because anytime anyone has more time on this earth being free just brings me joy. I guess I’m being presumptuous but I bet you are going to love it. I hope you can fully embrace it and not get caught up in second guessing yourself. It’s such a short time period in the scheme of things. I hope you find joy in the everyday. The dishwasher experience sounds fun to me ha. Not to make light of your concerns but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Best wishes.
I did this! I left my job when my kids were 2 and 4, and I’ve never been happier, plus I have a third baby now! There’s a narrative out there that staying home and being a mom make you lose your identity, as if being in relationship with these children and creating a space in the world for them somehow takes away from you. Old-fashioned as it sounds, I find homemaking and raising children to require all the creativity, strategic thinking, and philosophical reflection of my career. It has taken me till this third kid to be at peace with it, but I really am! I’ve deliberately carved out a life that’s slow and not over-scheduled. And instead of lamenting that I don’t have time for myself, I’ve found ways to be creative and intellectually stimulated during my days. (We homeschool, so it helps that we great books and I get to my kids the hobbies that bring me joy.) I treat raising kids like my work and I bring all the same intentionality to it that I did to my former job. Invest in those kiddos and their dishwasher unloading skills now, in the first decade of your family life, and the second decade will be so sweet! My only regret is not quitting my job sooner and getting the privilege of being with my kids full time from the beginning!
You have to make sure to keep things that are just for you–physical things (like taking walks, lifting weights, swimming laps, diving, whatever you do, or think you might want to do), mind/heart things, (like reading, sewing, writing, deep conversations) and finally time with friends. It does not have to be perfect. But make sure to hang on to the things you actually like and don’t let go of them. Motherhood is beautiful, but hard, and implicitly requires so much sacrifice. Looking back I wish I held on to things I like more firmly (eg, my gym time is non-negotiable).
I am loving this thread. You are making such a big and brave decision Jess, but we are all rooting for you! My mom was a stay-at-home mother, and while I know my two brothers and I drove her nuts sometimes, she was the heart of our home, the big love of our lives! And she still is. Not a day goes by where I don’t recognize the love and joy and comfort that she poured out on us, and I am so grateful for it. You’ve got this and I really do think stay-at-home mothers can still hold onto their personal identities outside of motherhood, it’s just like everyone else here in this thread is saying, you need to be proactive about carving time and space for your own hobbies and personal joys. If possible, maybe you could even consider looping in childcare for an hour once a week, just so you can get out and do something for you. Thinking of you! xx
I quit 6 months ago to stay home with my 3 year old and 1 year old. I agree with the poster who says I wish I had done it sooner. While the world tells you you need to achieve, it’s pretty incredible to be able to be with your kids. I’ll never forget this magical time and I’m so grateful for it. Even in the hard times, it will be worth it. these are YOUR kids and I’m so glad you can raise them how you want to! Trust your instincts!
Get good babysitters. You will need breaks. People with full-time jobs take lunch breaks and coffee breaks and walk around the block alone sometimes. You will be doing more than a full-time job so you should get the same, assuming (big assumption) it’s financially feasible.
I’ve been home with my kids since day one, and it was a rough transition for me. I now work from home, home school and feel like I am really finding myself in new ways. The secret that it took me so long to learn? You have to keep LEARNING. Try out a new instrument, sport, craft, whatever! Just don’t like your kids be the only ones leaning, growing, and getting better with time. It is the ultimate antidote to mommy despair!
Jess, I stayed home with my kids for 8 years and went back to work part-time when my youngest went to kindergarten. I did volunteer for five of those years with a big-ish role coordinating an annual event. The monthly meetings and week of hands-on event prep were the best, I met tons of community members and had a blast. My MIL always came for the whole week to babysit while I was gone during the day and for my husband and I to attend the event on Saturday night. All that said, when it was time to go back to work, I had amazing, current, local references and a ton of contacts. You can do it!
I replied earlier, but I wanted to affirm Laura’s comment to keep learning! That’s the key. I had no idea how to be a mom before I became one, and I’m still only as many years into it as my eldest child. Learn to be a really good mom. Figure out how to run the household more smoothly. Learn new skills, and teach them to your kids. Read books for yourself. Grow as a person. What an awesome model that will be for them!
This is the best thread! I’m a stay-at-home-mom, too, and I am rooting for you. My #1 piece of advice is to use nap times/rest times for YOUR rest, too — something that feeds your mind and soul. It can take training, but it is soooo worth it. (My kids know now that if they come out of their rooms during quiet time, they won’t get TV time. It works!) Enjoy getting to be there for their moments, find a community of other SAHMs to support you, and try to embrace the time for what it is. Also, a 20-minute episode of Spidey and His Amazing Friends can do wonders for getting the dishwasher emptied or the laundry switched over! Ha!
I went from working part-time to being a stay at home mom when my kids were around the same ages. :) My #1 tip is to join a parent-child group or become a regular at your library’s weekly storytime and befriend the other regulars. Or both! We’ve gained a wonderful sense of community through both of these. It’s grounding & uplifting to have happy reasons to leave the house every week – for both the kids and you! And we just truly cannot do it alone. I vibrate on a different level when I’ve gotten to connect with other adults, and I know my children treasure the time to play with peers. Other little tips: playing music helps set the mood like magic! Upbeat music in the morning, soothing music in the afternoons. Do not underestimate the power of lighting a candle to set a calm tone, either! Great for afternoons. Lean into an episode of screen time to allow yourself a shower in peace and you’ll feel like a new woman. I’ve also been reading more than ever before – I’ve found it a super doable way to give myself a little treat and time to myself everyday. (I stopped using social media so my old scrolling post-bedtime time has turned into reading for pleasure! CoJ counts for this tonight :) Congratulations on this change! Hang in there and give yourself grace as you settle into in your new normal. ❤️
Tearing up while reading these comments. I wish you all could have been there 9 years ago when I had SO much anxiety around wanting to stay home with my first child. I felt in my bones that it was the right thing for us but I really struggled with being financially dependent on my husband and feeling like I wasn’t “contributing” to society and wasting my expensive education. (The snide comments from people around me didn’t help. And the fact that they were mostly from other women was heartbreaking). All this to say… looking back I wish I hadn’t shown myself so much cruelty. I am so so so grateful for the years I was home with my kids full time. We were never in a rush. If they wanted to pet a cat on the street for 30 minutes, we could. And even though it was SO hard sometimes and boring and frustrating and all the things, I never regretted it. Ever. The one thing I will say career wise is, once you have a little more bandwidth is to keep a foot in the door. I’m a writer and when my kids were about 3 and 1.5 I started doing some freelance writing jobs here and there. Obviously that doesn’t have to be your timeline, but it definitely eased my transition back into the workforce once I was ready. And take all the help you can get! Schedule time for you because you’re doing the most important work in the world, and you deserve a break! And remember you’re not alone, we’re all rooting for you.
I honestly never went back to feeling like the old me post-partum, but after having two children, I can honestly say that they have made me the best version of myself. Handling the constant problem solving, coordination, mitigating disputes, etc. that is involved with having children has turned up my executive functioning to the next level. While there is still no way I could “do it all,” I feel so clear-headed and decisive about everyday choices I need to make at work and at home.
I feel this completely! When I came back to work from my second parental leave and had my first performance review after six months had passed, my manager said “you have never been more efficient and decisive.” Knowing what matters most (my family), not letting it give way for a space I am replaceable (work), and doing anything in 1/3 of my former time makes me unstoppable.
I’m so glad to see this conversation. I think I *thought* I felt “like me” again maybeeee by a year-ish postpartum, but now that I am 3.5 years postpartum, I am realizing I didn’t REALLY feel like myself again until around the time my son turned 3. That’s because, in large part, it took me this long to find a regular movement routine I loved again. I really underestimated the impact of some exercise on my life and mental health. That, and re-finding community outside of my partner and son.
My son is five and I’m honestly just NOW starting to feel more like myself. Or maybe like a new version of myself? He was born in the fall of 2019 and I returned to work about 2.5 weeks before the world shut down for COVID. Then in 2021 he was diagnosed with pediatric leukemia and was on chemo for almost 3 years. He’s been off treatment for over a year now and I finally feel like a person again. Friends, hobbies, healthy interests. It’s fun meeting the new me!
I tend to see people call out age 6 as a time when you get your own time back. “When they’re 6, your relationship will improve. When they’re 6, it’ll be easier to travel.. I’ve got 2 kids and am 5 years away from that… so those comments are not that reassuring 😅
Big Hell Yesss to this post! I had never thought or discussed this pre babies and pregnancy. This needs to be part of the dialogue for those jumping into pregnancy and parenthood! I had the opposite of Jannelle. After my first I mourned for my pre baby self-think stages of grief major depression-mourning. Once my son came I was ready for the big let down. The opposite happened! I was on a high! I was parenting! We had completed our family and my body knew it! You got this parents. This sh*t is hard
As someone who hopes to start a family in the next few years, the comments here somewhat terrify me! So much hard and sad, that it almost makes you wonder if it is worth it? Sometimes, as a not yet mother, these posts simply terrify me, yet I still do want children. For those who are mothers, looking back, what do you wish you knew before? Is there any prep or is it truly something you throw yourself into, heartache and all?
Marisa – I felt the same way before having my son. People are so quick to share the hard parts of motherhood, often to seek community and shared experience with other moms (a good thing!), but I read somewhere that moms are doing each other a disservice by not sharing the amazing parts just as loudly. So I have been trying to do this, whether with my pregnant massage therapist or a mom-to-be I meet at the grocery store. I love being a mom! My son, Graham, is 6 months old and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I have welcomed the identity shift and love that being a mom is the centre of my identity these days. It goes so fast, this sacrifice of parts of yourself is so temporary. And it pays off every time your baby smiles at you or learns something new or basically just exists so adorably. I look at those who are yet to start their families and feel so excited that they have these sweet first days and months ahead of them. I am excited for you, too! I want to also acknowledge that I say all of this with the privilege of a healthy pregnancy, postpartum and baby, and an amazingly supportive partner and family.
Reading these comments definitely highlights some of the really hard things about being a parent. And rightfully so because it is REALLY hard. I have a two year old and am 10 weeks pregnant right now and so sick I can barely function. It’s miserable. All that being said, the one thing I had no inkling of before I had my first was how truly *worth it* it would feel. Nothing in my life has ever made me even close to as happy as having my boy. I honestly feel like parenthood was undersold to me. It is hard, but I also want to shout from the rooftops “THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED.”
Oh Marisa I was in your shoes a few years ago. I was totally ambivalent about children, only ever heard the *bad stuff,* and didn’t have children in my life to see what it was like for myself. This hard stuff is true. But, it’s easier to write about what’s hard than to capture truly the joy and meaning children bring to my life. And everything captured here in one place is A LOT. For me, it’s a “from the ashes rises the Phoenix” situation – distilling your true self after going through something incredibly hard and meaningful.
I would highly recommend some kind of therapy / counseling before having kids…both on your own and w your partner if you are partnered. It is really difficult to anticipate how your life will change and what your specific circumstances will be. But there are difficult conversations to be had about values, hopes, dreams and logistics that I think a trained third party could bring a lot of insight into.
I relished every single change in myself. Anything I was ” before ” paled in comparison to my life after my daughter was born. I cannot begin to list all that girl taught me and she still does today after 30 plus years. Can’t imagine my life view / experience had I not seen it and experienced it through her lens. Yes I had interests or whatever but nothing compared to what she brought to my life. “She made our world tecnicolor.” (Borrowing Emma Stone’s quote about her daughter.) And yes, threw myself fully into it heartache and all. Is there any other way in this life ? Best wishes to you :) I certainly and whole heartedly respect child free choice of course ! ( Goes without saying really !) But this is my experience. <3
Hi Marisa – I feel compelled to reach out to you because I was on the fence for a long time about whether to have kids and posts like this also scared me. I now have an 8 month old son and I can only speak to my own experience and don’t want to invalidate others, but I don’t relate to feeling like a different person in motherhood – and I’m glad. I am still myself, but with an additional component, and I felt that way pretty quickly after I gave birth. Even a few weeks afterward I was still me, but with a huge, new responsibility! There are hard moments and parenting is constant, but there is also so much joy. Your experience will vary with your baby’s temperament/sleep patterns, how you do with hormone roulette and how helpful and supportive your partner and/or village is (if you have one) is. But you don’t have to lose yourself! You can be you AND a mom!
I TOTALLY felt this way too! I saw all of the negatives and it really, really scared me. Despite this, becoming a mother was still more jarring than expected, but also SO MUCH MORE INCREDIBLE and you realize that you’d go through all of the hardship again and again to capture the joy, fulfillment, love, connection to something so much more significant than yourself, pride, etc, over again.
Hi Marissa! Oh man, I was really hoping the tone of this piece wouldn’t be too scary, because I by no means am trying to scare anyone out of being a parent! Motherhood and personal identity is something I think about ALL the time though since having my children, because in these early years, and I only felt this way after having two kids, the role of a mother feels all consuming, and I wasn’t prepared for that. BUT. just to clarify in case this got missed at all in this piece, I love my kids and I love being a mom. It has honestly made my life feel so much richer and funny (my daughter Ella just yelled down the hall after going to the bathroom “I’m done!!!” which translates too “wipe my butt!!” and every time she does that I bust out laughing) and whenever I talk to friends about becoming a mom I always say, motherhood is SO much better than I thought it would be. It has it’s hard moments, and I do like to talk about them. But it is also so, so sweet and one of the best decisions I’ve made so far in life. Sending you love! xxx
Let me first say that I’m a firm believer in not talking people INTO having children if they know for sure it’s not in their cards. I’m also not someone who would tell you that I love every second of being a mom (I don’t ::shrug::). That being said, I feel like having children opens up this other dimension to life that there is no other door to. Like no beautiful trip or food or experience could provide the depth of the color that motherhood brings to my life. It stretches me in every single way but it’s that sweaty, almost painful, feels SO good at the end kind of stretch. And so yes, there definitely are moments where I daydream about not moving through the whims of other small beings, I would never choose to go back to my less color, tightly muscled life :)
I was a fence-sitter for awhile and discussions like this have helped me realize that having a child most likely isn’t in my best interest. However, being childfree is still an alienating choice. I know COJ has done some posts on this before but I’d love more! Not necessarily about how to make that decision, but support and discussion on following the path less traveled.
My sister in law has a great analogy about what it felt like to be ready for kids. She said she felt like she and her husband had reached the final level of a video game and then they were just running around collecting coins for a while and it started to get boring. I felt the same way. Have you seen the Good Place? When they finally get to heaven and all the people are just blissed out dummies? That’s what adulthood started to feel like after a while, like all the dinners and vacations started to lose their shine. Motherhood has added DEPTH to my life like nothing else ever did. It’s absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the most rewarding and beautiful. I’ve been pushed to grow in every way possible. And yes, there are also plenty of moments of fun, but I think a lot of moms tend to focus on the hard stuff because it all just feels so tremendous.
Community, community, community. The most important thing I wish I had known was how important community is to parents, which means you need to have it in place already before you have kids. Family and friends in proximity who you would actually trust with the most important thing you’ve ever cared about in your entire life! I feel lucky to have some and wish I had more.
I just wanted to second what Olivia said. I don’t think I ever felt like a different person or had a huge identity switch – still the same brain just making new choices and having new experiences. I would say I have a very involved, equitably-minded partner, so having conversations about division of labor (and already feeling strong in that realm) etc is a good pre-baby activity. Also preparing to have as much support as you can as your body recovers is important – my body felt like a mess in the months postpartum but I had never been happier (even after the crazy hormone surges passed!).
We tried for six years before we had our sweet baby who’s four months old now and can honestly say it’s easier than I imagined. He is so sweet and those smile and laughs are all worth it. If it’s important to you to be a parent and you have the love to give, do it. You won’t regret it. It’s hard but not that hard!
Mom of two, aged 2.5 and 4, here to say that motherhood has been a true joy for me. I think that comes from having realistic expectations of my children, my partner, and (most of all!) myself. My house is a little messier, my breasts will never be the same, my sleep is interrupted AND I knew all of that was coming my way. What I cannot possibly explain to you is the profound sense of meaning and responsibility these tiny folks bring to my every day, which is constantly interrupted by them being so (intentionally and unintentionally) funny that it makes me laugh until I cry. I think there’s a lot of trauma bonding in motherhood on social media – and that’s fair, it isn’t easy in a myriad of ways – but I would encourage you to ask the mothers in your life simple questions like “What surprised you most about motherhood? What brings you the greatest joy? What has been most humbling? What have you learned about yourself?” and let the conversation be deeper than sleep-deprivation, potty training, and developmental milestones.
Please remember…once you have children, using whatever path you follow, you become a MOTHER. If the universe aligns, you will never be the same as you were before you became a mother…you will grow and change and develop into versions of yourself through each stage of your new circumstance. I am 73…my children are middle aged (47 and 50) and grandchildren ranging from 20 down to 2…I have many versions of myself when I look back over the years, and very few of them look like my pre-motherhood self! And that is the way it should be!
Thank you so much, Sharon. :) I needed this! I saved your comment to my phone to remember it. You’re right. We’re not meant to go back to the person we were before! ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve been thinking about this a lot! Our oldest just turned two in December, and our youngest is almost seven months. After our oldest was born I felt more myself than ever. I had an easy pregnancy, a really positive, empowering birth, nursing was easy, and my recovery was very quick. Within a week(!) I didn’t even feel like I’d given birth, my body felt the same, and I was back in pre-pregnancy clothes. He was also what a close friend of ours called a ‘trick baby’ because he was really easy – good sleeper, good eater, content, relaxed, happy, ahead on all his milestones, etc. He did cry (still a baby!) but never for very long and there was always a clear reason (wet diaper, hungry, etc). There were still a few tough moments (teething!) but it was mostly just so fun, and my husband and I spent so much time together with him and also just us after he went down for the night, and I felt so capable, so good at being a mom. The hardest part was honestly interacting with other moms, because it seemed like all of the bonding was about how hard it was, and not feeling at home in your body or your life, and I felt the opposite. Champagne problems, but it was really isolating, which was disorienting because I otherwise felt so at ease. This time around has been a little bit the same and a little bit different, I still feel really happy, but less at ease. I had terrible nausea for sixteen weeks, which made the pregnancy feel harder, even though it was otherwise smooth, and I had another positive, empowering (and much faster!) birth. It was a super quick recovery in some respects, but much longer in others, and I have some postpartum anxiety/ocd this time, and it’s making it hard to differentiate between normal postpartum recovery and more serious health concerns. I still experience so much joy every day, beyond delighted by their little personalities and the sweet, funny miracles they are, and watching them interact and love on each other. And our daughter is so sweet and giggly and can be very calm – but when she’s not calm, she’s screaming, and it’s not always clear about what. She’s not a great sleeper and I don’t do well on limited/fractured sleep. She’s great with solids but had a not-great latch, so nursing was more uphill at the beginning (much better now!) and she spit up a LOT for the first five months. I also feel a lot of guilt for comparing her to her brother so often! I really don’t want that to define her life / childhood, but I also find it so hard not to compare and contrast experiences, especially when we’re trying to problem-solve things we didn’t encounter the first time around. One of the things I find the hardest though is that, while I do have moments each day where I feel like I’m being a great mom to both of them at the same time, I spend most of the day feeling like I’m going back and forth prioritizing one kid’s needs over the other – it switches between them constantly throughout the day, but it feels like at any given time one of them is getting the best version of me as a mom and the other isn’t. And I’m also finding the switch from my husband and I doing everything together (with one kid) to more parallel parenting / dividing up (with two kids) really hard – I miss hanging out with him all the time! I also think there’s sort of a knock on effect, that an ‘easy’ baby (especially a good sleeper) makes it easier to spend time with your partner, and exercise, and see friends, and have hobbies, and all of those things help bring you back to yourself, whereas a baby who’s having a harder time has the knock on effect of making all those things harder to do. So I think it was easier to feel like myself the first time, and harder this time. Allllll that being said, I have no regrets – the joy of each of our kids as individuals, and the joy of the two of them together is truly unparalleled, and I would choose this path in every version of the multiverse. It just feels harder this time around, so far, than it did last time!
You’ve hit on a lot I didn’t realise I was struggling with too here. It’s so easy (or I found it easier) to feel like a good parent when there’s one child because you can respond to their needs, you share the load with your partner, and you can take breaks and handover. These days my husband and I joke that it’s a game of who needs mom most and he takes the other one. I need to redefine success and good mothering to something more long term I think.
It took me about two years to find my “new normal” after my daughter was born. Postpartum during the pandemic was extremely hard, and on top of that I had some health issues. Then, when I went back to work, it was so exhausting and overwhelming that I didn’t feel like I had time to even consider my own needs or identity. Now that my daughter is nearly four we are hoping for a second, but I do worry about having this experience again. I feel like I have finally figured myself out as a person and as a mother, and I know that won’t last if we throw another little human into the mix. It’s worth it, but it’s so hard.
I like to think of myself like a Russian doll. All those versions of me are still inside me: pre kids me, 20s me, teenage me. They’re still in there and ever so often I pop them out. But every new experience adds a new layer to myself. I don’t think I can go “back” to my pre-child self, but it takes a while to get to know and like the new doll’s life too.
Love this! It helps me to distill the feeling I get with people who have only ever known me as a mom now…they have no idea about all the former lives I’ve lived that are still very much alive and making an appearance here and there.
Ahh I love this! It’s more complex than ‘old pre kids me’ and ‘current post kids me’. The old me was carefree in London in her 20s, even without kids I wouldn’t have that same life now in my 40s. It’s all just an evolution and change would come with or without children. My youngest of 3 recently started school aged 4 and after 6 years of being a SAHM I do now feel that I have a bit more breathing room, doing a bit of work again, even managing to exercise and invest in friendships etc! It’s all stages! Xxx
Love this perspective!
So beautiful, Becky!
34 weeks pregnant with my first and being induced in three weeks so this is a timely post for me. Looking forward to digging into the comments!
excited for you amanda!
My children are 22 and 18 and I’m still waiting to bounce back (I’m 56). My son was a bad sleeper (sleep school at 7 months old gave up on us) and my daughter was 4 when I was thrown into menopause due to a full hysterectomy. It was a crazy time and still feel like I have never recovered.
bless you rita – thank you for sharing this
This makes me anxious! I’m currently expecting my first child, and everyone keeps talking about how motherhood so fundamentally changed them is wildly stressing me out. For the first time in my life, I REALLY LIKE who I am. It’s taken me until the age of 35 to actually like myself, and the idea that I’m going to basically become a different person in a few months is quite frankly, terrifying? I’m already struggling with how I’ve had to shift how I do some of my favourite things (e.g. running slowly, withdrawing from a goal race, not being able to eat certain cheeses, etc) and the thought that I’m going to become a really different person feels so overwhelming. What if I don’t like the new me? Has anyone else felt like this?
Ahhh Alice! I wish there was more talk about the amazing, positive, wonderful experiences of motherhood! Of course there are hard parts but the highs are just amazing and difficult to explain! It’s just a real rollercoaster of high highs and low lows. Also, you’ll still be you with same interests and passions, just, at least in the early years a lot less time to dedicate to those but as things evolve you can get back to it. You might find things you were passionate about don’t hit the spot anymore and develop different interests (potty training, weaning schedules?!). Good luck and enjoy! Xx
Alice this makes a lot of sense that hearing this would make you nervous. If you can I would just ignore this. Yes you will change but you will change the way you have always changed in different phases, slowly and likely for the best. I am a mom of two young kids and I still very much feel like me but just a new version of me who I really like!
Alice, also expecting and feeling the same sort of way – so you’re not alone in it, at least!!
OMG so relatable… Don’t be scared! I just had my son in august at 35 too! And yes…. my whole life changed and i’m rediscovering my new identity. haha. but I SWEAR…it’s so worth it. there really are no words to describe it until you go through it. the first three months are HARD…so hard. but you just have to constantly tell yourself that its temporary. and you get to create your new identity at the same time as your baby is discovering themselves and growing. and honestly, its not even a new identiy, it’s more like a better version of yourself. PS. i also struggled during my pregnancy with those changes. Pre-baby, i went to lots of concerts, ate lots of amazing food, rock climbed, hiked, etc… but I unfortunately had crazy morning sickness for many months that pretty much had me bedridden for the first two trimesters. I really recommend prenatal therapy! it’s so helpful! i learned that 1)it’s all temporary. its just a season 2) sometimes you just really have to let go and go with the flow. I promise you’re going to love being a mom! It might take some time to get there but you’ll do great!
You will be able to eat cheese and run again! But you will view the world differently. Your heart will break when someone’s child dies. You will appreciate your parents in a new way. You will value your time so much more. ❤️
Hi Alice! I just had my first in February and I was also so worried about this. It’s too early for me to give you a definitive answer, but I will say this: I like myself even more now. All the frivolous things, the petty things, the small things I used to worry about matter so much less these days. And getting to that place with myself has 100% made me a better mom. Congratulations on your babe and getting to a place where you’re so happy with yourself! The best is yet to come.
alice everyone’s narrative is their own narrative. i do not feel like i became a different person! and the writer ann friedman has also been open that she feels like the exactly the same person she was. i don’t think you need to worry. the person you are is going to integrate this new baby into your life!
Chiming in to agree with Logan! You truly never know. I felt the same as you and had my baby at 37. My hobbies and values were pretty set and I loved my life! But oh wow, does my little girl make life sooo much sweeter (and I was staunchly a child-free advocate for YEARS). My humble advice is to roll with it: everything (truly) is a phase. You may feel just fine and you may not, but the bad parts will fade and the goodness shines through.
Congrats Alice! Just remember, every mother’s journey will be different. I just have one kid – but she was an easy baby. Happy, good sleeper, good eater, I was actually amazed at how I didn’t feel like everything fundamentally changed. I had a fairly normal birth experience too with a normal routine healing. When I was pregnant, I went down a rabbit hole of reading everyone’s horror stories – I would limit your consumption of other people’s experiences! You may not find early motherhood to be hard at all! Congrats again.
Oh my gosh, this community!!!! Thank you all SO much for the kindness, empathy, wise words, and support- it truly is magical, and so appreciated. You’ve all made me feel so, so much better- I truly am so excited about motherhood, but pregnancy (and the forthcoming unknown!) is an emotional rollercoaster for sure!
Alice, sending so much love. I’m expecting my second and having some of the same (very normal, slightly hormonal) anxiety! One class I loved was Bringing Home Baby by Gottman institute – they start with “You are about to experience true love” which is just so true and the reason I changed! Just like meeting my husband made me a softer, more tender person, meeting my son expanded my tenderness more and pushed me in new ways. I’m sure my next will do the same. If it helps: I didn’t feel like a fundamentally new person after my first, but I have had to re-examine my priorities to see what fits into my new life. And that can feel like a different form of me! I still miss some of the stuff I’ve chosen to give up or scale back on for now (my soccer team, after work happy hours, binge watching TV) but who I am at my core has remained.
Just echoing some of the other comments here that I still feel like the same person (I have an 8 month old son). What is true for one person is not true for another. I got lucky with an easy baby who has slept well and a partner who truly does his share. The first month everything felt like it was on pause while we figured out our new life, but then suddenly we found ourselves doing a lot of the things that we were before by 3 months. You will have a lot less time for hobbies and getting out, especially in the early days, but you will become better at prioritizing the time you do have to do what you really want and need to and it all gets easier as time goes on.
You may find that you are still you, simply with a rapidly expanding capacity to put another person’s immediate physical needs before your own. Wishing you joy, meaning, and plenty of levity when the rubber hits the road! I have loved my four years of motherhood and I hope you find a similar wellspring of delight in it.
I have a 4.5 year old and 15 month old. Have you read about “matrescence”, Janelle? It helped me understand so much of what was happening. I definitely left my pre-kid self behind too, but no longer mourn that. This weekend I attended an event here in London marking the publication of Emma Barnett’s new book, “Maternity Service”. It’s EXCELLENT and a must-read for any pregnant people, mums new and old. It re-frames the way this period of life should be seen, likening it to a real service, in service of others and ourselves. Anyway, at the talk, Barnett said that she died the day her first child was born. Everyone laughed, but we understood what she meant. The old you is dead, gone, you can’t “go back” and there’s not much point trying. So try to celebrate who you are NOW. She’s pretty amazing too.
All is impermanent…. sometimes we confuse identity and how we represent ourselves by the activities we do or once did. But they are not the same. Even “identity” is a changing entity. We change through life, thtoughout our lifespan… We are talking about motherhood, but if we become fully responsible for our parents, our partners , a brother- after a disease, an accident or other, we wouldn’t be able to do certain activities neither. It would also be very time consuming and we wouldn’t be our own priority, neither would be our likes or dislikes. Ask anyone who has become a primary caregiver to another adult. As most western women living in rich countries, we had decades just looking out for ourselves, just taking care of ourselves, trying to do things we like, spend the time we have as we like and we loved it. Then, motherhood comes and we are not the priority anymore for some many years and we live it as a tragedy _ because we miss the “me time”, we miss being seen as a person and not as a mother. How many of us just saw our mothers just as mommy? Not as women, not as lovers, not as a friend, not as a Professional, not a full person with wishes, dreams, projects that didn’t see the day because she was taking care of us? And yet, for humanity to thrive, children need presence, love, dedication, affection. They need adults who are willing to give up their time, their freedom, their dreams for a while to be there for them. But how much of our caring for them is imbibed by who we are? How much the activities we do with our kids is also a reflection of what we like, what we care for? Artistic moms will do artistic activities with kids, until they fall in love with baseball and you follow them in their passions. Parents who love music will open their kids to music. The same with cooking, sports, books, religion, special eating regimes, board games, travelling, sewing, knitting, wood carving, mechanics, languages and all. We are ourselves while raising our kids. We are not the same motherr throughout our lifespan neither. We mother differently at baby years, toddler years, child years, tween years, tennagers, young adults. adults. And as soon as they become more autonomous, we may get sometime back for ourselves. But motherhood will have changed us, enriched us (as any other experience), so we won’t go back to our motherless self. But even if we didn’t have any children, we wouldn’t be the same person that we used to be. We would have experienced other things that would have changed us. It is a very good discussion on how much more it falls upon women the parenting part compared to men. Although there are some men who are the primary caretgivers and there are couples who try hard to have a fifty-fifty division of time and chores and nurture. Being able to recover old activities depends mainly on the solidarity network you have. I wasn’t able to go to the cinema for 4 years. My sister-in-law was at the pubs 6 months afetr birth because my mother in law would babysit for her. I felt as my changing self all throughout motherhood. And as years pass by, my kid goes on living her life, I find somethings of the “old me”, but mostly new things of the new me. Even beyond motherhood. Motherhood is a very big part of my life experience, but not the only one even though it was the major part for some years. And I am not ashamed of it. My childless friends tried to tell me that I was losing myself and I felt bad at first. Then I realized I wasn’t. I was finding a new self as a primarycaregiver to a small child. And it was totally normal to prioritize this new being since I could do it, since i was the one breastfeeding and all. I wans’t lost, I was becoming a mother. When I was a child, my worries were school and playing. When I was a teen, it was studies and finding who I was in the world, learning to know all the fellings. As a yound adult, it was studies and work and travelling. When I became a mom, mothering became a priority. The early moths and years, it was a huge priority. When I will becolme of age, my priorities will certainly be others. I am still me throuh it all. I just have new tasks, missions, responsibilities and I have to learn new skills everyday. It’s quite demanding, but also an enriching and lovely experience. Again, It’s all impermanent.
Thank you for your words!
working, reading books about the things that interest me, long walks, long runs, surfing, gym, having a huge crush on someone, flirting, (in our marriage, its ok to have, talk about these), lying in the grass in the sun all things i had time for since they started preschool. all of which rechar(ged) me and made me a solid, different and new me. now waiting for/counting down/planning for a solo trip
A big thank you, fellow readers, for your wise, brave, and kind comments that make me reflect on my own situation and feel less lonely. I’m a mother of two, youngest one is 2,5 years old. I had a pretty severe PPD after he was born (actually started during pregnancy) and have been going to therapy but still don’t feel great. Maybe part of the solution is to start looking not for my old self but for the new (and improved of course, haha!) me? Thank you Jo & partners, and all readers, for creating a community that stretches across borders – greetings from a foggy, chilly Copenhagen ☕️ ♥️🤍♥️
Hoping you can feel great soon. It’s a tough adjustment that can take a lot out of us. ❤️
My kids are 7, 4, and 2, now, and while I am more “the old me” in some ways (reading like crazy for pleasure more than I have in years, even before they were born–though I think this is a little bit an escape from the constant stresses and needs), in some ways I have stretched like a rubber band, like the rubber band of my stomach for that matter, in ways that aren’t ever going back. The birth of my first gave me, a conflict-adverse person who got walked over by bullies at work, the guts to Not Put Up With That Any More. The birth of my second during the pandemic solidified my immediate family as our priority to ourselves–we would choose Us first, even if that went against the grain of pleasing extended family and friends, some of whom angrily pushed back. The birth of my third brought a new level of Joy. The “old me” is in there–but the me now is more than that person was, and I’m grateful for that, and to my children for bringing me there.
Janelle, you’re not alone. I’m 13 months postpartum with #2 and also still struggling in ways I expected to be over by now. My first (now almost 3) was so difficult for so long that I never really had a “return” before I got pregnant with my second, but still, I figured I’d be feeling different at this point, somehow. My view after a lot of fruitless comparison is that so much of how you feel when in motherhood depends on your personality and the personalities of the children you are randomly given, along with totally circumstantial things, from the obvious (do you have a supportive partner who is able to be around a lot? Does your baby sleep?) to the not (can you run your washing machine while your baby sleeps? Is there a safe place for the kids to play/exist in view of your kitchen?). I always look at others—I am up late *perusing* these comments—to try to divine when I’ll feel better. But everyone is just so specific! You’re the only one whose ever done exactly what you’re doing before.
Omg yes I try to explain this to moms all the time! Our experiences are SO specific to mostly random circumstances
It’s true! Sometimes I feel frustrated with the things people suggest saying like “it gets better” or “it’s only temporary.” The timeline for everyone (and the nature of the trajectory) is so different. I can’t tell you how many times people told me “it gets better” when I was dealing with my difficult firstborn. At first it gave me hope, but then I realized that for the people saying this, things really turned around at 2 weeks or 8 weeks or 3 months. For me, things just went on and on not perking up, and that was so depressing. We were on our own timeline, I guess (and he did eventually blossom into the most angelic and wonderful toddler!) But the specific combination of challenges we faced combined with the specific resources we had to handle them made for a tough experience or at any rate (this was my main point) one that I couldn’t predict the texture of based on my EXTENSIVE survey of other moms! :)
Omg yes to seeing your kids play outside from your kitchen. We moved from a house with a yard outside the kitchen, far from the street to one where the kitchen is on the opposite side and the street is sooo close. It’s hard to make dinner while constantly checking if they are getting into trouble or running into traffic.
Hot dang, so much good discussion on this! I’ve realized how some of my favorite parts of myself pre kids had to do with what I could crank out at work- rolling with the creative and productive flow when it came, going above and beyond to make my program stellar, finishing my to-do lists by staying late sometimes, etc. And of course, now with 2 young ones, I can no longer do that. It’s humbling and it’s not the end of the world but I do miss being a powerhouse in that realm of my life.
Having a baby (even a second baby) is a total bio-psycho-social metamorphosis, as British science writer Lucy Jones writes so beautifully in her book, “Matresence” (and as many scholars had also written before her)! Chelsea Conaboy’s “Mother Brain” is a great book, too, about the very very new research about how our brains do change in pregnancy and as we adjust to life as caregivers. They do shrink, but it appears to be a synaptic “pruning” — a honing, and sharpening, in a way. Like so many women’s health issues, it is under-researched but that’s changing little by little. And thankfully, many amazing people are studying matrescence from many perspectives, so hopefully the transition to motherhood will be less of a blindside for future generations. ❤️all of this helps me retroactively understand what happened to me 7 years ago when my first was born. I am *still* adjusting to my new self (and all of her rearranged priorities & feelings) about 3 years postpartum from my 2nd baby.
Celebrating my mom’s birthday today, my youngest sibling is 24 and I’m 38. She said she gave up on feeling like herself again. My son is 6, and my brain is still on manual. I was 32 when he was born, I should’ve waited longer.
I’m feeling so seen and comforted by all of these comments. I’m reading Anne Enright’s memoir, Making Babies: Stumbling into Motherhood, and this quote sums it up for me 16 months postpartum. A child came out of me. I cannot understand this, or try to explain it. Except to say that my past life has become foreign to me. Except to say that I am prey, for the rest of my life, to every small thing. Damn.
I mourn for my old, pre-kids self but I also am falling in love with this new version of myself, a nurturing, maternal version who fiercely loves 2 little human beings when before them I really only had to fight for myself. It took me a while to get there. Raising my two babies who are now 4 and 5 was the hardest experience I’ve been through. When my son was 10 months old, and I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, the world shut down because of Covid. I cried for a motherhood experience I would never be able to have- library storytimes, lazy afternoons at the playground watching my son delight at other children playing, days spent at the grandparents with cousins. We were robbed of that and instead I was trapped inside my house, remote teaching, post partum and pregnant. When my daughter was born, we were in the thick of it. I lived in the epicenter of Covid in NYC, and Mayor Cuomo had ruled that no one can be in the delivery room with the mother. I was terrified, but luckily he lifted that a week before my daughter was born. For another year, I taught my 5th grade class remotely while simultaneously taking care of my toddler and newborn. I had my husband but I missed my friends terribly. I cried for them daily and by extension I cried for who I would never be again, and who Covid robbed me from becoming. I remember going into the city for the first time, not for doctor appointments but just to walk around, and being really sad because I realized I would never be that carefree girl just popping into shops, eating brunch, etc., because I was calling home to check on my kids- they were always on my mind. Now that they are almost 5 and 6, I am slowly going back to parts of who I used to be (reading books for fun, going out with friends, staying up late to watch a good movie, cooking dishes just for me because no one else in my house will eat eggplant with tahini and pomegranate molasses but I’m making it because I want it). But more than that, I am loving being a mother to my beautiful, curious, loving and happy children. Finally.
HIS LITTLE SMILE IN THAT LAST PHOTO… SOB. So cute.
Some people have been doing research on “matrescence” — the transition into motherhood that changes a woman so acutely in body and soul. It is fascinating stuff, and so helpful.
yes! I would love a post on this topic!
I feel myself solidifying, settling up into my new, elevated form. My kids are 4 and 6, and I feel like I’m just still crawling up out of the fog. But it really does solidify with each step. Coming into my own, but still growing forward, not reverting back to anything. Settling in, but settling UP in, because it’s definitely calling me higher and pulling me up toward who I am meant to be. Our community just experienced a very tragic loss of a young mother of five, one of them being a newborn. Her shocking death has caused me, in the past few days of processing this, to feel just immense gratitude for all the mothering possibilities I still have before me, however short or long my days prove to be. I was wiping my daughter’s bottom that evening, and dealing with my son’s tantrum, completely thanking God that I am even alive to deal with these unpleasant and frustrating situations. Motherhood can be harrowing, and I am so glad for who it is making me into.
Wow this feels timely. The old self is simply not reachable. Of course it would be nice to reach back to a time without responsibilities. Where I could laugh or cough without worrying about peeing. A time where I could be alone and not thinking what’s next. What should I be doing. That person is gone. Replaced by someone who has learned to balance kids, work, a loving spouse and home and love all of them (although certainly not in every moment). 21 PP with the second and I’m finally starting to feel myself, just a different one.
Well said, Cami! Also, if / when you have the time and resources available, a pelvic floor physical therapist could potentially help you rebuild and repair your pelvic floor to make sneeze-peeing a thing of the past. Generations before us believed they had to live with it. Yet that is so far from the truth – these injuries and dysfunctions of our pelvic floors due to pregnancy, labor, and / or postpartum overwork are completely addressable and often can be fully healed. Good luck to all of us pelvic floor havers out there! Which is all of us!
Here to second Ana Devine’s thoughts on pelvic floor physical therapy! Leaking when coughing or laughing is extremely common, but not normal and pelvic floor physical therapy can make a big difference. It also doesn’t matter how long it has been since you gave birth! My mom started pelvic floor physical therapy 30 years after having my sister and me because I raved about it and she has benefitted even in her 60s.
This! I struggled with this question when my kids were small, but now that they are growing up I appreciate that motherhood HAS made me a different person. I’m a better leader and manager at work. I’ve had so many adventures that I wouldn’t have had. I have shared so many fantastic picture books. I understand my own parents better. I have so much love, joy, complication, compassion, responsibility, pride, and happiness in my life. The other realization is that even parallel universe me wouldn’t still be 25 years old. Maybe they’d be closer to original factory condition; maybe they’d still not exercise enough. Maybe they’d have had their own adventures; maybe they’d feel they missed out. Maybe they’d be happy; maybe they’d be lonely. But they’d still be 20 years older. I love the nesting doll analogy. My years of parenting three kids at different ages (because you’ll change and grow with them!) have added new layers, but they’re all there. And you do get to take out those inner layers more often than you expect right now. You’ll share them with yourself, friends, and some of your favorite people on the planet that you grew!
Well, the baby is18 now. I never felt like myself again. I used to grieve my old self, but this new me has been forced to examine my biases, take a hard look at how I was raised and do better, and mature in ways I didn’t expect.
This.