My Messy Road to Not Drinking
I had stints where I didn’t drink, but that dry January felt different. I tucked myself away in our basement office, balancing my laptop on a stack of laundry, my coffee mug nestled into the pile of socks. The welcome graphic for the Zoom class lit up the dark room: “Tapping for Sobriety.”
Almost everything I’d heard about sobriety landed in two buckets: my friends who stopped drinking because they could “take it or leave it,” and alcoholics. I was firmly in the “I’ll take it, please, especially if it’s red wine” camp, but didn’t feel like a person with a problem. I had no DUIs or alcohol-fueled fights with my husband, but I did notice within myself a resistance to any thoughts of slowing down. It concerned me enough that I signed up for a sober curious women’s group to take me through dry January (100% guarantee I’d had a few glasses of wine before clicking purchase) and found myself in my basement, my laptop cattywampus on the deflating laundry pile.
On the slowly-sliding-sideways screen, the instructor explained that EFT, or “Emotional Freedom Technique,” could anchor and calm our nervous systems with gentle pats and taps by our index and middle fingers. I laughed at the phrase “pats and taps,” but closed my eyes as instructed. I exhaled, thinking of my poor nervous system. I tapped my forehead, trying to ignore the sound of my children upstairs, arguing over Bluey. I tapped my upper lip; trying to ignore the fact that my fingers smelled like old kitchen sponge. I tapped my underarms (not my favorite), and I tapped my collarbone (my absolute favorite). I closed my eyes, trying to tap in the right order, tap tap tapping, trying not to think about what I was actually thinking about: how many days were left in January, how many drinks everyone else might have had that month, how many reasons I could find to keep drinking or stop. I felt, simply, over it.
And so, I reached for my mug. There in the socks, my mug of red wine — the one I’d poured despite (or because of?) this being a sobriety workshop. I’d poured it for one of the many reasons I’d poured it most nights of the year: because I was anxious about what event I was headed to (tonight: tapping), because I was bored by elements of parenting (Bluey), and/or because I felt like I was doing my best and might need a little help (always). I took a long sip, sloshing red wine onto my laptop. I quickly wiped the keyboard off with a sock. I felt relieved, if I’m honest. But I also felt like I’d failed.
The buzz around sobriety keeps growing louder, but it feels disconnected from my reality. Tressie McMillan Cottom wrote recently about the growing tide of “performative abstinence” and sobriety as shorthand for a clean, perfect lifestyle (NYTimes gift link). Reading her op-ed, I couldn’t stop thinking how my experience of stopping drinking was pretty much the opposite of the perfect white backgrounds and “clean living” language Cottom so astutely critiques. For me, the process of stopping drinking can only be described as messy mess mess (understatement).
I’m now nearly two and a half years without alcohol, and nothing about it has felt performative; it’s felt private and prosaic. There were no pristine IG posts or clean-living manifestos — instead, it was tapping my collarbones between sips of wine, then doing the class the next time without wine. It was a many-years mishmash of sober lit (Quit Like a Woman) and audiobooks (This Naked Mind) and wine-soaked girls’ trips and therapy, both with a therapist and girlfriends.
When I tell people I don’t drink, I get the feeling they assume either I was a secret alcoholic or I just randomly stopped. Back when I, too, only saw those two buckets of sobriety, I couldn’t see where I fit into them.
And so, I’d like to introduce another bucket — a messy middle. I occasionally recognize it in the wild, but it can be hard to spot. Lately, though, it’s been coming up with my girlfriends. Late at night, they’ll (sometimes tipsily) ask, “Why did you really stop drinking?”
Here is what I say to them: The evidence about the risks of alcohol is compelling (NYTimes gift link), and, like most of my friends, I was drinking more than the recommended maximum of seven drinks a week. But that’s not why I stopped. And it wasn’t the hangovers, or the fact that my kids had given me wine-related presents for my birthday, or the small change in my liver numbers. It wasn’t even how I answered the question of whether or not I had a drinking problem. It was the presence of the question itself, and the space it took up in my brain. I hated how much I thought about it. I stopped drinking because I didn’t want to waste any more of my inner life.
And when those girlfriends ask how I finally moved from the murky middle to not drinking, I tell them it was that women’s group I tapped away with when I was just curious, and a few sessions with a sober coach that got me to the place where I was ready to fully try not drinking. It wasn’t fast; it took 10 months from the tapping class, nearly a year of reading and thinking and drinking and not drinking. I really wanted casual drinking to work, but I wanted the space in my brain back more.
In terrible news (that was a joke, fellow sobers!), stopping, rather than moderating, my drinking worked. My brain feels more quiet, more mine. It’s not always easy, but, for me, not drinking means less effort.
My reclaimed mental space feels like the opposite of a shadowy basement, but I can trace its origins back downstairs to that failed attempt: me, skeptically tapping my collarbone, fingers smelling like an old kitchen sponge and spilled wine. What felt so dark and humbling then makes me feel tender now. I felt like the worst version of myself in that pile of laundry, but looking back I wasn’t at all. It was messy, but it’s how I got here — to the quiet in my brain, and the tapping of my keyboard. And I wonder what changes you’re making, and if they feel messy? If so, I’m cheering you on.
Kathleen Donahoe is a writer and poet living in Seattle. She has written about how her MS diagnosis informs her parenting and the worst gift she ever received. She is currently writing her first novel, and warmly invites you to follow her free Substack newsletter, A Little Laugh.
P.S. More drinking posts, including “my mom was an alcoholic” and “how I changed my relationship with alcohol.”
(Photo by Sasha Dove/Stocksy.)
Tags: alcohol
Comments
133 commentsBeautifully written. One point of confusion for me: without any judgment attached to the word, I am surprised to hear that the author considers herself in a distinct bucket from “secret alcoholic.” The idea that someone whose headspace is so occupied by consuming alcohol and who drinks wine out of a mug during a meeting about sobriety considers themselves to not have an alcohol addiction – this confuses me? Again, not implying there’s anything morally right/wrong about the label of alcoholic, but I don’t understand that specific part, where the author draws a distinction between the “messy middle” and alcohol dependency.
it takes awhile before an alcoholic will admit that they are alcoholics, to themselves and others. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic, eg. a loser and the scum of society. But in AA i discovered other alcoholics who were bright eyed and hopeful. The meetings are filled with laughter as people shared their ordinary human experiences. Now i’m ok with telling the world I’m an alcholic, i’m just not a practicing one.
Thank you, Kathleen, for sharing about your “messy middle.” I’ve been, as my therapist generously says, “playing” with sobriety for several years now, taking breaks from drinking for time periods of one day to over a month. For me, it’s been hard to let go of the idea of alcohol as a “treat” – when I frame it this way, of course I’m going to end up drinking at some point because I am a mom of young kids and gosh darn it, I deserve a treat! As I’ve entered my 40s, however, it’s been hitting differently and even two drinks makes me sluggish and irritable the next day. One thing that has helped me a ton is the availability of delicious NA options. I can feel like I’m having a little treat and still feel good the next day. I’ve also tried a mishmash of quit lit, podcasts and sober groups. The one I’ve found most helpful over the years is the Sober Powered podcast, which discusses the science behind how alcohol impacts our body and brain. Specifically, her recent episodes about how we romanticize alcohol have resonated with me. There are so many good reasons to step away from alcohol but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
When I first starting dating my husband, I was living in new york city and having a glass of wine with dinner was just what you did, at least in the scene I had been socializing in. I vividly remember sitting down for about our 4th date and his subtle posture when I ordered a drink that 4th time (every time). He didn’t judge but more so was just surprised and had fun with it. It came time for him to meet my group of friends and we were meeting at bar I knew the bartender at. I drank too much that night out of social anxiety and ended up not paying as much attention to my now husband. I almost lost him, had I not built up the courage that next day to head to grand central to take our planned hike, despite feeling awful and knowing I needed to redeem myself and prove my commitment to this new relationship. From that point on, I didnt drink as much. There were moments however when I accidentally would drink a little more than I wanted due to social pressures and anxiety. At our wedding, I hadn’t eaten much and friends brought me glasses of wine, at the very end of the night I don’t remember every detail and regret that. Fast forward to having our kids, I stopped drinking basically since having our first baby and we’ve had three. I was able to use pregnancy and breast feeding as an excuse for the last 6 years. Recently however, I was at a neighborhood meeting and the host was persistent about fixing everyone cocktails. I ended up having half a glass of one of his many handed out. I felt horrible that next morning. Its almost as if not drinking (almost entirely) for many years allows you to be extra aware of your body. Needless to say, I would like that one to be my last taste of alcohol. I have lived a life where drinking was expected in the groups I was in, the culture pushed drinks, liquid confidence and liquid wit. It’s still expected out west, with a thriving brewery culture. However, when I turn and look inwards at my family, I wouldn’t want to put my focus anywhere else. I feel healthier, more energized and a better wife and mom giving them my 100%.
Thank you for sharing your determination and journey, it was inspiring. The whole “messy, mess, mess”, I get that. The year of trials, of conversations from within that says, I’m ok with it, I’m not okay with it, I’ll table it for now or I really need to stop, you are so right, I feel you when you talked about how much space that took up in your brain, in your life. I quit smoking 6 yrs ago and every day, I am so thankful. Like you, I revisit my smoker self, and the more times we talk, I realize how much I hated smoking long before I quit. I stand with you in that middle bucket, with grace.
I loved reading this, and wanted to say I related to most everything the writer shared. Drinking took up too much of my mental energy. I was tired of wrestling with myself every day about it. I sought support of a coach, and it was incredibly helpful. I highly recommend getting support or just having a call with a coach just to see what it’s like My coach was Dani at https://www.joinselfmade.co I am over a year alcohol-free, and there is nothing like this feeling of clarity and freedom.
I just read “Hallelujah Anyway” by Anne Lamott, who talks about having mercy for herself, and her sobriety journey. A quote of hers that I loved and really stuck with me is: “…she’d found that being sober delivered almost everything drinking promised.” For me personally, I’d say being sober delivers MORE than drinking promises. As a person who used to love to drink wine, but cannot indulge anymore due to migraines, I’ve had to limit my alcohol intake significantly, typically going for months without drinking. My time spent with my kids has felt richer and more fulfilling with less alcohol, rather than the other way around. Once I got over that mind-shift of feeling like I was “missing out,” a new indulgence revealed itself to me which became feeling everything more vibrantly. And yes, the bonus of waking up the next day feeling fresh and clear is wonderful.
Thanks so much for sharing such personal and sensitive story Kathleen! I stopped drinking alcohol in 2022 where I trained for my first marathon. While I never been a big drinker, I did drink A LOT as a teenager growing up in Denmark. Alcohol and especially getting drunk was an integral part of my teenage years from the age of 15. At the time (mid 2000s) getting drunk and partying hard on the weekends was very common for teenagers in Denmark. So my drinking behavior did not stand out as most of my girlfriends were into heavy drinking too. When I moved to Melbourne in Australia 2009, my drinking started changing as bars and night clubs closed a lot earlier than Denmark to avoid drunk people on the streets late at night. This got me on to a much healthier relationship with alcohol as going out with girlfriends was about having fun and actually remembering what had happened that night instead of being so drunk I could not recall the next day what had happened. When I started university in Denmark in 2011, my drinking habits were quite similar to those I had picked up in Melbourne, but I probably started to drink less then since I could not afford being hungover on the weekends where I had to study and prepare for classes. Throughout most of my 20s, I would enjoy a couple of glasses a wine or cocktails every month, however this is when I started getting really bad migraines which automatically made me want to drink less or at least drink so little I would not feel the effects of the alcohol. In 2018, I started working for a small business where drinking was a big part of the work culture. I was in my late 20s then and thought I had stopped drinking for social reasons long time ago only to realise on several occasions however that that was actually why I was drinking at company functions and parties. I did not like the taste of the alcohol and often did not feel like drinking but did so anyway to fit in and be a part of the ‘fun’. In 2019, I moved back to Melbourne where I studied at the time. Melbourne has a rich hospitality scene which made me want to go out more and enjoy wine and cocktails at fancy bars and restaurants. At this time though, I generally drank so little that my body physically started rejecting the alcohol I poured into it on weekends out. There was particularly one night out with my dad and then boyfriend where I got so sick from drinking apple cider that I decided that was it, I was going to stop or at least significantly reduce my intake of alcohol. I always been into taking care of my body and its overall health and getting drunk, despite only occasionally, which just did not seem right with drinking most weekends. In 2020, I was with a new partner (my now husband) and like me he was really into health and fitness. Having a partner that wanted to go on hikes and rock climbing trips on the weekend instead of going out and drinking at fancy restaurants definitely made a shift in my relationship with alcohol. In 2022, we trained for our first marathon together and this is when I decided to take a few months off alcohol completely. After we had completed the marathon, I felt so good about my physical well being as well as my mental health that I decided to stop drinking for good. I have not had a drink since then and while I sometimes can miss the idea of having a nice glass of red wine at a cozy bar, the minute I think about how the alcohol will make me feel, I do not miss it at all. So definitely a steep learning curve for me too and eventually getting to not drinking at all.
This resonates with me so much. I am the messy middle. I remember saying to a friend maybe I should just go on a real bender this summer so all my friends could say “you’re right, you DO have a problem” and then I could quit with dignity. It’s harder to get permission to quit when all you have is a tinge of a hangover and a slightly more existential sense of self. It’s harder to justify to the world. This is the third time I’ve “stopped” drinking and I hope this one sticks.
You only need your own permission (but you have mine as well). Good luck!
Alcohol. Does more harm than good. Anyone who’s had their family ripped or nearly ripped apart from it knows this. If you don’t drink, don’t start. If you do drink, consider the growing evidence of why it’s unhealthy (like the authors says) and unsafe (that we know already!).
I’m someone who can easily moderate my alcohol intake (1-2 per week and not even every week) but always feel guilty when I do have a drink and wish I hadn’t (not sure why). I sometimes think about how much fun I had as a little girl/teenager with friends with no alcohol involved and I wonder why that feels harder to achieve as an adult.
Five years into being (at first, reluctantly and now happily and boisterously!) a non-drinker. If you hear the whisper, keep listening. At first it sounds like a foreign language, but the more attention and compassion you give it, the more you come to realize it’s a love song being sung for you, by you. Life with alcohol isn’t always easier, but loving it sure is. You’ve got this, even when it’s messy. xo
Chissann, this is so beautifully said, and true true true. Thank you for sharing.
I’m lucky in some ways that alcohol can be a really big migraine trigger for me, so I have to be really careful with how much I drink. (Sometimes I can take a single sip and feel my head “ping” and know that the next day is going to be a migraine day.) I’ve cut way way way back over the years, so now I only drink with friends or at holidays (and even then I only have 1-2 drinks). I’ve found some really good THC drinks (that are legal where I am) and I like that they make me feel relaxed, but still with it — and no migraines or hangovers the next day! Diet soda is my vice instead though — I’ve tried to cut back (with varying success) over the years, but it’s been way harder for me to kick, personally. Sending good thoughts to everyone trying to cut back on alcohol, social media, soda, sugar, etc etc. It’s really hard, and we’re all really brave for tackling it!
Wow, this couldn’t be more timely for me! I’m 11 days sober today. I, too found myself in the “messy middle.” I never thought about quitting until I did, and then it was like a light switch turned on and showed me that actually, I was giving a lot more to alcohol (planning rides, arguing with myself at happy hour over whether I could have another, the icy panic of waking up the next morning not remembering who I’d kissed) than I was getting back. Looking forward and thinking “I never have to do that again” feels like a huge relief. Cheers!
The messy middle is so important to recognize. For me, I would polish off a bottle of wine in one night, then get my kids off to school in the morning and go to barre class after. Since this didn’t fit the mold of a traditional “alcoholic” (a term I don’t like, to be honest), I had difficulty recognizing that I had a problem. When I finally realized that alcohol can be a problem in a different way for every single person, I was able to step away. After breaking promises of moderation to myself each and every day. I’m now about to celebrate a year sobriety. It is so much better than alcohol ever made me feel. Thank you, Kathleen, for writing this beautiful piece.
“that alcohol can be a problem in a different way for every single person”- yes, this. It seems like a tiny shift in thinking, but it changes everything.
My husband and I binge drink Friday and Saturday, every week. We don’t mean to, really, we are just having fun and at home so what’s another couple drinks. There was a time it was taking me away from my kids, the hangovers, sleeping on the couch all day Saturday, as if that made me present. I got to a point where I was done. But not done drinking, done with the consequences. Husband and I had a talk about how much was plenty, how to make each drink the “right” percentage, he was great, literally using a calculator to help. It did. I wasn’t getting sick. We still drink every weekend but much less and we’ve incorporated mood gummies and I’m out of bed before lunch. Able to attend my own life. I think I should quit All The Time and for my health I should but that time with my husband is great. I don’t want to loose that, hence the gummies. I don’t know if I will ever quit but I know I will question it with every drink
I totally know where you’re coming from. That special one-on-one time is so precious and important. As someone who really enjoyed wine and drinking with loved ones (it’s sooooo fun!!! – until it’s not), I PROMISE YOU that you can have even more fun without alcohol or other mood altering treat if you drink wine and maybe listen to music, you can make music the main activity. Or watching comedy together or dancing together. Fun WILL be had whether you drink or not. AND you will wake up refreshed the next day and get more time to enjoy. If you wake up on Saturday around lunch, you would now have the morning to be awake and choose to do whatever you like until lunch! Anywho, I was in your same shoes just a couple months ago. I read “Stop Drinking Now” and it was a game changer. Cheers to more fun!!
I am grateful to my body for really keeping me healthy because it is SO communicative and I love that so much. I’ve gone very long periods of time between drinks, (wine and beer for me because I”ve never been able to drink hard liquor), interspersed with tiny periods where I’d have a glass of wine (one) after work. Then I switched to hard kombucha (apv same as beer). I drank for the warm buzz and the relaxation that brought, no other reason. Then my body just stopped responding to alcohol and nothing would happen when I drank. Drinking more did nothing either and it became not worth the effort. I was never drinking for taste so, I just stopped. I do have a couple hard kombucha’s left over in the cupboard and I will probably drink them at some point when I feel like it, but that could be two years from now, according to my normal flow. I am addicted to the internet though. Zero social media but sites like this and just reading online in general is a huge problem for me, as I live alone. One thing at a time.
One thing at a time, and gentleness, yes. Sounds to me like you’re doing terrific. xx
Do you think it’s possible that internet “addiction” could be a way of masking simple loneliness or unmet needs? I notice that when my tank is getting filled from quality interpersonal interactions in real life, my phone lies forgotten. That was a real lightbulb moment for me. Now instead of trying to white knuckle my way to giving up my phone, I can figure out what I’m missing and ADD that into my life. Anyone else have a similar experience?
I’m in the messy middle of quitting social media. For at least a decade I’d spent at least 2 hours a day on Instagram. I deleted it the day Trump got inaugurated because I knew I’d be tempted to doom scroll, and when I redownloaded it a few days later, the first thing I saw was an AI-generated reel of Trump kissing a baby. I was so disgusted that I decided to quit for good. Since then, I’ve re-downloaded it every few days, often to check the accounts of local orgs and restaurants to see what’s going on in the neighborhood. Haven’t seen another piece of AI-generated Trump propaganda since that first one. I’m definitely in the messy middle of quitting. I’ve replaced Instagram with several very active discord servers and an addiction to the NYT Spelling Bee. Is it better? I don’t know. At least I’m not giving more attention to Zuck? I still spend about the same amount of time on my phone every day. I don’t want to go back to scrolling on Instagram the way I used to, but man it sure feels good to post a photo to my stories of a mountain I just hiked and receive a bunch of likes. What’s the point of doing impressive things if you don’t get to brag?? Anyway, I’m conflicted. Being a person, trying to do the right thing, trying to take care of yourself, it’s all such a messy process. Thanks for this post xx
Meghan!! Yes! This sounds exactly like my messy, messy path. For alcohol, understanding how the system was designed against me (aka to be very addictive) really helped. I wonder if that might also help you be gentle with yourself as you carry on, trying, messy and all? I’m cheering for you, I really am.
I left Facebook in 2014 (after being on it since the BEGINNING beginning, when it was “the Facebook” and just for college students) and finally left Instagram in 2021. I’m on no other social media sites. I have ADHD, so the dopamine Skinner box of it alll was a particularly life-destroying nightmare for me, but even if you’re neurotypical, I hope it helps to tell you: you deserve your own time. I wish I could get those years back. I didn’t realize I was sedentary and alone, because my brain was tricked into thinking I wasn’t, but I was. You deserve the world and your life and the sensory inputs around you. You deserve to ask your friends what they’ve been up to, and have their stories be genuinely new. You deserve to perceive layers of sound, and to notice when your body has been still for so long that it’s storing pain in that position. It’s great on the other side, I promise.
Right there with you! And I live in a different state than all my friends and family so I don’t want to be totally disconnected. I made it so I have to log in each time on FB and IG. At least some of the time it stops me from opening it. And I KNOW I wouldn’t be missing anything if I just opened it once a week for 10 minutes but I’m not there yet. Working at being ok being bored sometimes.
I loved this! This is the year that I’ve finally been able to make it out on the other side, and it was definitely a journey. (For me, it was nightly drinking to weekend drinking to special occasion drinking to ??? The last drink I had made me so sick that I can’t imagine drinking again anytime soon.) One thing that has been a huge help is tasty alternatives. I’ve invested in some fun glassware and an ice cube tray that makes ice balls. It’s such a small thing, but I love “making my drink” as I prep dinner. Some lovely alcohol alternatives have been TJ’s Something Spritzy, Ghia, de la Calle tepache and St. Agrestis’s Phony Negroni. Sending the best to those who need it. I remember telling my kids’ dentist that I just couldn’t floss them everyday, and she patiently looked at me and told me to start with once a week. It was better than what I was doing but was manageable. It was such reassuring advice, and made something seem attainable in what was a stressful time of life. That’s the way I now try and approach all hard things. Take one small step in the right direction and build from there.
Sorry – wrong link – try this one: https://youtu.be/HUngLgGRJpo?si=8CPiSrqQk2o3Qasa
This (and the other posts on drinking less or stopping altogether) have been very thought provoking and much appreciated. This community has definitely contributed to some of my more recent behavior changes such as reducing my meat consumption (thanks Jenny!) and being much more intentional about how much, when and why I drink. Just yesterday, after reading this COJ post, I saw this video clip on Substack and it caught my attention about the power of addiction. https://www.google.com/search?q=substack+video+depicting+addiction&safe=active&ssui=on#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:81b2c77c,vid:HUngLgGRJpo,st:0
I really appreciate COJ meeting the moment with this post. I stopped drinking about a year and a half ago, along with two friends without whom I could not have done it. Since then, SO many more friends have stopped, or cut way back, or started examining their troubled relationship with booze. I love having a place to think about and talk about the “messy middle.” It is heartening that this discussion has a place on COJ.
Beautifully written, timely essay. I stopped drinking almost 2 years ago because I was burnt out working in the mental health field and caring for two young boys, and it felt like drinking alcohol was the only “strategy” I used to cope with stress regularly. Turns out it’s a lot easier to chug a delicious IPA than change clothes and get on the Peloton! I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, and love how someone in the comments described it as the “messy middle.” There are so many messy middlers, I promise you this! Sober Mom Squad is a group that has been amazing for me…it’s a community of moms and women from all walks of life and all experiences, and they have regular virtual meetups and support. If any messy middlers (or anyone questioning their alcohol use) sees this, I totally encourage you to check it out <3
I love this! Thanks for the intro to Sober Mom Squad.
I’m 2.5 years sober and can say outside of my marriage and having kids it is the best adult decision I have made. The way “middle of the road” drinking is described in this podcast really changed our lives. https://drchatterjee.com/the-surprising-truth-about-alcohol-with-andy-ramage/
Stopped November of 2024. It had gotten to the point where I was hiding half bottles of wine in my closet, and sneaking off to drink starting around 4 pm every night. I have 4 kids and felt like I “needed it” to get through. But gosh… I feel great. Like I’ve discovered a big wonderful secret. I never saw this coming. And, I lost 10 pounds. I’ll take it!
My sister in law’s good friend, Stephanie Wilder-Taylor wrote Drunk-ish, a funny and real book about alcohol and leaving it. She discusses so many normal questions: Will I enjoy social gatherings without it? But it makes me funny! But am I a “real” alcoholic? Posting it here in case anyone finds it helpful and relatable. Non Amazon link: https://bookshop.org/p/books/drunk-ish-loving-and-leaving-alcohol-stefanie-wilder-taylor/20165321?ean=9781668019412&next=t
I stopped drinking soon after I turned 21. I realized that I am that Asian that can’t process alcohol, and that my full body redness, heat, and itchiness was an allergic reaction. I also realized that because I can’t process it as well as most people, it was why I got drunk so easily, and why I almost always felt sick to my stomach and threw up so easily. While most everyone was buzzed, I was doubled over trying to have fun. More importantly, one time at a college party, I woke up in a bed. Fortunately, I was still very much clothed, on top of the blankets on a made bed, and a couple of good friends were with me. But it was then when it hit me that I needed to figure out a way to have fun without the alcohol, because that was scary as f—k and a serious eye opener.
East Asians + drinking increases risks for certain types of cancers, so another reason to abstain, besides the “glow.”
Thank you for this; I need to keep seeing these posts and articles. I’m definitely there in that messy middle. Mine is much more an issue of co-dependence. In the same way that many people gave up alcohol b/c their partner did or had to, I keep going because WE keep going. It’s the routine of the evening: kids are in bed, time for a glass of wine together. We used to share a bottle every night, but I’ve cut down to half of what I used to drink and feel better and sleep better. But it’s still too much, and I know that. For now, I’m trying not worry about it; for now, I’m being happy that I’ve cut back and can (easily!) maintain that lower level. A few months ago, my husband said “Let’s just stop. Let’s be done with this phase of our lives” and I loved it. But the special ritual of wine after the 5 year old terror is finally asleep… it came creeping back. But the idea is there; I’d like to think that we’re working in that direction.
For what it’s worth: I was firmly in the “it’s something WE do” camp a few years ago. I wanted to break the habit for a lot of reasons, but didn’t want to lose the ritual, so I “invested” in a few cases of fancy NA beverages. It felt like a splurge, but wasn’t actually more than I had been spending on wine or whiskey. And it let me keep the ritual for about 4 critical months, pouring myself a glass of something different and interesting each evening, until I no longer felt so connected to WHAT I was drinking and could just as happily find the ritual in a cup of tea or a seltzer.
My experience was similar to Nica’s. Starting with a transition to NA beverages (Run Wild IPA and Hazy IPA for the win!) helped me continue my down time with my spouse. After a few months without any direct suggestions from me, he joined me in drinking the NA beverages. I’ve now moved onto seltzers without missing anything. I’m fully sober since December 2022 and my spouse has cut down to about 2 drinks a month–basically at work events with high quality wine. I made my changes without professional help, but I would’ve reached out for professional help if it had been even 5 percent more difficult than it was for me: https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder
For me, it’s more about the ritual than the substance itself so I second the suggestion to switch to NA drinks. When I was pregnant the first time I turned my nightly glass of wine into an herbal tea habit and it weirdly filled the same void. I know it’s SO lame to suggest that you and your husband have tea dates every evening, but you might actually be surprised by how much it scratches the itch.
Try any other special drink together, maybe a new one each month or something like that. I’m thinking, downsize to low alcohol aperatif’s like this list below, then wean off altogether eventually: https://dinewithdrinks.com/best-low-alcohol-cocktails
“I stopped drinking because I didn’t want to waste any more of my inner life.” That’s such a beautiful, concise way to capture something so complex and deeply personal. I quit a little over 10 months ago, mostly because I was tired of feeling foggy. Even one quick beer with a friend would leave me out of it for hours, and at some point, it just stopped being worth it. And as I approached 40, I realized I wanted to give myself the best shot at feeling fully present and tapping into my full potential. It’s been such an overwhelmingly positive change in every way (truly no downsides), and I feel incredibly grateful that sobriety was an option for me. I know that’s not the case for everyone, which makes me appreciate it even more. Thanks for sharing your experience, Kathleen—and for creating space for others to share, too.
This is so generous Corey, thank you. And congrats on your 10 months. Grateful to have your kindness in this company. xx
Joanna, I’d love an article about people who still drink alcohol and who love it and don’t plan to stop! I feel like you keep running all of these stories about people who have quit. Same with other blogs I read. Good for them. I have a lot of alcoholics in my family. I would never scold anyone who made that hard decision. But it’s getting really boring to read about over and over again, quite honestly. With all of this, it’s starting to feel like we have to hide that we actually like to drink. Like it’s passé or outré or something. I like to drink! I love a glass of wine every single night. The dangers are actually completely overblown (what like 3 months off of a person’s life on average. Seriously? That’s it, for this incredibly pleasurable thing?). So I’ll keep doing it. And I drank while I was pregnant, too! Not a lot, but in moderation. My kids are awesome. My mom drank, too. And my grandma before her. We all turned out ok. In fact, humanity has been drinking alcohol since before we farmed, when we consumed fermented fruits. I’d love to see a celebration of alcohol from some serious alcohol connoisseurs.
Respectfully, no one should drink when pregnant and alcohol causes frontal lobe brain damage which interferes with reasoning.
With all due, there is plenty of celebration for alcohol throughout the internet (and the world). Just ask a sober person. If my reaction to reading a vulnerable piece like this one was to call it boring and to defend my own habitual alcohol use to strangers on the internet I might examine why that might be.
You could just not read it, instead of getting all worked up. It sound like it hit a nerve.
This comment section is usually cool, but when it isn’t, it really isn’t. There are nearly 300 comments on here, a few alternative POVs should be allowed.
The post/ story was about alcohol being a diminishing force in a person’s life. And other people relating to that. The topic wasn’t about the celebration of alcohol. I’m sure they’re out there somewhere. There are often posts or comments on here about favorite beverages or whatever. This just wasn’t it. It was a different story. People shared their intimate feelings about difficult journeys. Respect.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I love how this piece gives us permission to hold a different perspective of ourselves and others when we feel drawn to choices outside of the mainstream. It teaches us how to be both self respecting, self accepting, while we welcome growth.
I love this perspective! Before I stopped drinking, I would actually drink only rarely in social situations but when I did, I wasn’t able to stop and ended up extremely drunk several times. Like many have said here, I found it easier to stop completely than to moderate. During pregnancy and nursing I didn’t miss drinking at all and was so relieved to have an „excuse“ to say no. It made me realize that it would be easier for me to say no completely than try to stick to a one-drink-rule. I agree to what many others here say, it saves so much headspace to not agonize over how to explain to others that I will only have one drink today or being anxious not to be able to say no after the first one. Friends and family don’t even ask me anymore and it’s such a relief. PS: with a baby or toddler you need all the sleep you can get anyway. Better not to reduce quality of sleep due to alcohol!
This is me! I drink rarely, but when I do 2 becomes 4 becomes so many. Quit Jan 1 and feel like a million dollars, physically, mentally emotionally. No more mornings of ‘oh God what did I say?’. I’m 38 and feel like I’ve started fresh with life. I wish I could take back so many regrets of the last 18 years of drinking but at least it’s not 18 more. There may come a day where i have another glass of nice wine or a gin and jam, but not any day soon. Thankfully I still have my true love coffee, which only makes me a better version of me anyway.
I had my last drink on August 3, 2024. I had gotten to the point where I barely drank (probably two drinks a month) and it felt silly to officially stop. That night I had a single beer, felt amazing and funny and free for 20 minutes and then felt anxious (am I being too loud? was that joke weird? are these people really my friends?) I woke up the next morning grumpy with a headache and thought…that’s enough. It wasn’t worth it anymore to me. I really miss drinking, more than I thought I would. Bars that have NA beers and mocktails are gold to me (there’s only so much seltzer I can drink!) My mom has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I really wish she could stop. Her drinking looks chic and European but I know she is white-knuckling through the day until she can open a bottle of wine. It is definitely exacerbating her worsening mental health and overall cognitive decline. I’m glad I’m stopping drinking now before I head down the same road. I don’t want to be a 74 year old woman whose life revolves around when she can drink.
Miss V, I am so moved by what you’ve said, and what fate you know you’ve avoided. I think your August choice might have felt easy, but I also think it might have been life altering, not to overstate. Sending love, and cheering you on from the same path.
Addiction and abuse run on both sides of my family. When I started noticing scary things in my generation, I really dialed back my intake, but I couldn’t quit. I’ve now been without booze for 3+ years, including my wedding and honeymoon. I still splurge on NA prosecco from time to time, and love buying glass bottles of bubbly mineral water to drink in my fancy barware. I’ll be honest that I live somewhere legal to enjoy edibles, and I do do that occasionally. (Dancing all night with no bathroom breaks or bar lines/ expense? Absolutely!) All in all, I drank alcohol for about 8 years, and I wish I could have broken up with it even before. When I met my husband, we didn’t drink together for many dates – which we both really liked. Less foot in mouth, more presence for exciting butterflies
The concept of moderation is really fascinating to me. There are some things in my life I cannot moderate: using social media, and sugar are two that pop out at me. If the Instagram app is on my phone, I will be on it ALLLLLL day, there is no “moderation.” Believe me, I tried for years. Then I quit cold turkey, deleted my account and blocked the app on my phone and it was like an immediate peace, I didn’t have to try to restrict myself anymore. My body/brain does something similar with sugar. I am an addict around sugar, if there is dessert in my house then it takes up all of my mental space thinking about it or deciding how much/when I can have some. So having hard rules around sugar is also a relief, a weight lifted and space freed. But for whatever reason (/no reason), moderation around alcohol is easy for me. I have around 2-3 drinks per week, sometimes a bit more on vacation, sometimes a bit less. I don’t really think about it. Why is this one easy for me and the others aren’t? Humans are complex. But I hope everyone finds the freedom and peace of mind they need, however they get there!
I am the same way with the internet and feel less alone after reading your comment! The writing above actually reminded me of my own relationship to social media/the internet in general. And same with moderating alcohol -is not something that I think about/ever feel like giving up completely. Sometimes I drink maybeeee 1-2 drinks per week, most weeks I don’t drink anything mostly because I just don’t feel like it + don’t want to develop a habit that can become unruly. So interesting. But trying to regulate what how much I’m online and what’s that’s doing to my brain is a LOT. I’ve been beginning to think quitting instagram cold turkey is the only way to do it. And yes, I echo your sentiment about wishing everyone on their path to whatever they’re looking for the best!
This is really interesting to think about! I am the same with social media and screen time- there is no “moderation” and I never reach a place of satiety. With sugar as well. But with alcohol, I’m totally fine with whatever and stopping whenever. Fascinating.
yes! I quit social media for a similar reason, plus the monetization of my time to make tech bros richer and the way algorithms influenced my thoughts (in some ways you are what you see/read) was just creeping me out. Did it several years ago and am especially glad for it now that we are in the Trump regime. I really related to the authors description of prioritizing her inner life – same choice for me but different addiction!
Apparently this is a pattern because I also have no issues with things like alcohol, weed or caffeine, but I cannot keep candy in the house, and I go through cycles of trying and failing to moderate my screen time. I also can’t seem to control myself around…books. If I’m in the middle of a good novel, it takes over my life in a way that doesn’t feel totally healthy. This is all giving very “nice girl”/good student vices. I kind of wish I were back in college because it would make an excellent sociology research project, haha.
I also quit Instagram cold turkey more than a month ago – and alcohol on Dec 31st. Everyone around me thinks i’m being a bit radical! The first week after I quit Instagram (and all other form of social media, for that matter) was the hardest. It made me realize how much i had been turning to my phone whenever i had a few minutes (seconds, even) to spare. And also, how much my brain was filled with unwanted information. The interesting part is, after a week, the urge to scroll was (kind of) gone. As if I had not been doing this relentlessly, every hour of everyday, for the past decade. Quitting alcohol, on the other end, proves to be more of a challenge! I’m French and there’s always a bottle of wine (or worst for my tempted self: bubbles) on the table at any given occasion. It’s hard to resist! But I’m taking it one step at a time, like: “Ok, tonight I’m resisting temptation, and I’ll see tomorrow.” So far, it has worked. But I’m considering myself more in this grey area of quitting alcohol: I’ll see where it gets me, and I might drink again (or not!). I view it not as a life changing decision, but more as a habit that I’m trying (hard!) to build upon. Last but not least, I’m in awe of all of you commenting here on this subject!
Yes, I feel this way about food in general and social media. Not so much about alcohol, though the genetic predisposition for alcoholism is there. It’s all so interesting. I’m an addiction therapist, and people in the recovery world (from the beginning to the messy middle to sustained recovery) are my favorite. Personally and professionally. They generally approach the world with intention, awareness, and a type of humor. May we all find peace on our winding journeys!
Thank you for this. I have never consumed alcohol and was reading all these thoughtful comments through the lens of understanding an alcoholic family member and a college age child who has had lots of questions. But getting to your comment I realized that both Instagram and now FaceBook with it’s stupid Reels that suck me in when I’m really just supposed to be looking at Marketplace, are taking up WAY too much of my life. I literally did not go to sleep last night – I scrolled and scrolled watching short videos until I realized it was 1am, no 3am, no 5am and now what was the point of trying to sleep when I have to get up and get my son off to school and my husband off the sofa (where he’s been sleeping because of shingles – he’s only 54! Get your vaccine shots because it is horrific!) and both of us in shape to work (from home today)? And, yes, that is an interfering with my life/didn’t actually make my anxiety better/didn’t solve any of the political problems that I somehow feel it is my responsibility to bear witness to on Instagram (that sentence is too involved but I’m just going to leave it there because I didn’t sleep at all last night!). So, I just deleted the app altogether. Thank you – I need to face my issues directly and not hide out on social media. And for those wondering, ‘do I maybe have an issue with alcohol?’ at whatever level that may mean for you, I want to hug you and say how brave it is consider and meditate on that question. If you are asking, someone who loves you is asking that question too and doesn’t know how to bring it up. Being in the messy middle is hard, but also so fully human. I wish you (and all of us) a way forward to peace and kindness.
@whitney I am with you on books! I miss them so much and used to read a ton but now with kids I just can’t afford the time / mental space I’m in if I pick up something new. I find I can reread old favourites though, and audiobooks generally are safer. So weird. But yes I’m fine on alcohol. Sweets are hard though I’ve gotten better. Living with a husband and two kids makes it easier – if they aren’t « mine » I can avoid thinking about them. I quit social media last year, but I do still find myself scrolling way too long (COJ comments for example!). Sending good wishes to all in our journeys to use our time and mental energy with intention.
Also, really big hugs to everyone trying to quit, everyone who has a little time clean, anyone finding it really hard to stay clean. It will get easier. It’s worth it. I’m proud of you.
I stopped drinking, mostly, in my early 20s. I had my first baby at 23, and by then alcohol didn’t appeal to me anymore. I had been a black out drunk party girl teenager who drank to cope with crippling social anxiety and because I had an undiagnosed condition that caused a lot of physical pain. And anxiety, did I mention anxiety? By the time I was a young mom, I was terrified of being a mom who drank (and that anxiety had only gotten worse, much worse). I didn’t advertise my sobriety, but when I went out with mom friends, I barely finished one drink. Then my husband got clean, weed and alcohol, and that was all the excuse I needed to be officially clean. No one but alcoholics or addicts were sober back then, but I didn’t care. I would proudly say “i don’t like me when I drink so I don’t drink”. People didn’t know what to do with that. I just didn’t care. Now, a million years later, I finally have the diagnoses and the therapy to understand me then, and now, I have an occasional tropical fruit filled drink on vacation and that feels like, well, a vacation. And it’s one a day. But I don’t drink otherwise. I use cannabis medicinally. It’s a wonder drug for me. One thing that stuck recently. I’ve had the same primary doctor for over 20 years. And every so often he sits with me and we go through the “health history”. #of drinks per week? Zero, really for real. He looked up, reached over, took my hand, said “I know. I’ve always believed you. ” (I hear drs routinely don’t. They double whatever you say you drink). And then he laughed, “I’d be able to tell you know?” And I thought, yeah, by 52, if I’d kept drinking, in whatever amount, it would be showing up in some way by now. And “it’s one of the best choices you can make. There are zero benefits”. Yep, figured that out a long long time ago. Zero benefits. Today is a perfect day to stop. You only think it’s making life a little easier. Hugs to everyone out there.
Our lives are very different but I also don’t drink after being an anxious blackout drunk party girl (for much longer!) and until I read your comment I had never connected those habits to having undiagnosed health stuff that caused pain! But looking back, yes, drinking helped take me out of that pain—that at the time I thought was normal and just what having a body felt like. Thank you for your comment! I’m still kind of on the road of forgiving myself for the things I did during those years, and remembering that I was definitely in pain then helps a lot. And for people considering stopping—for me, saying I would never drink again was SO hard (what about vacation and wedding toasts etc) and the good ole “one day at a time” mantra really helped. I didn’t do AA but had some friends that I think of now as sponsors, and just deciding each day that no, I’m not going to drink today eventually became a relief rather than a sad or hard thing (though I don’t think I had an addiction and I think that’s kind of a horse of a different color in terms of recovery, and I like to acknowledge that what I went through wasn’t easy but true dedication is much, much harder). Not drinking is also not part of my identity—it’s just a thing I have chosen not to do, and I like that it’s not a defining characteristic the way it seems to be for some of the sober influencers on Instagram? Again, good for others and just not for me!
thank you so much for the thoughtful conversation around alcohol. the messy middle is a narrative that is not often told but is often found! when i gave up alcohol four years ago i had a difficult time accepting the term “alcoholic” – it didn’t seem to encompass my story. the stereotype of an alcoholic was holding me back from moving forward. however, the truth was i had a problem with alcohol and have since come to create and accept my own definition of “alcoholic.” we need more depictions of the mess to broaden our language surrounding the issue. kudos!
This was so articulate and honest and true. Thank you so much for sharing, Kathleen. I approached alcohol very, very carefully — both of my parents and all four of my grandparents were alcoholics. My mother stopped drinking when I was a teenager, and it changed her and saved her life — and mine. I didn’t drink at all until I was in my mid-twenties, and then it was extremely carefully, with reflection and analysis. Considering my family history it feels miraculous that I can take or leave alcohol, and now, as I’ve aged, I’ve tapered off to having maybe two drinks a year. I love that there is space here for everyone, the messy middle, the tentative, the unsure. I see a lot of brave comments here and I applaud you all.
Thank you, Kate.
If you want, there is a kind, open and understanding podcast series called “How do you cope” from the BBC which connects on various topics. I found – having no experience with the topic of alcohol consumption but wanting to understand it better – this episode simply very good: “S4 Stressed Elis and Sober John: ‘It was like the last light got switched off’ https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0fscstp I found it empowering. Wherever you are, it acknowledges the situation & it picks you up – you can apply it to other topics as well – and makes it clear we are all trying our best. And that you can succeed, because help is here and because there are humans who believe in you. So you might believe in yourself, too.
Ohhhhh, do I resonate with so much of this. I too never had “a problem” by anyone’s description but my own, and I spent SO MUCH mental energy feeling distressed and self-critical about it. The most supportive thing I heard during that time was from my sister: “It doesn’t matter how much you drink – if you’re worried about it, then we’re [she and I, together as a team] are worried about it!” It felt so helpful, like I didn’t have to justify myself and explain all my logic – she just heard my pain and fear, and was there for me. And your remark that “stopping, rather than moderating, my drinking worked. My brain feels more quiet, more mine. It’s not always easy, but, for me, not drinking means less effort” is also exactly how I feel. Wrestling with “cutting down” just made me obsess more. Simply saying “I’m done” has made my brain quiet…peaceful…gentle…and *mine* again. Thank you for writing this. Sending hugs and joy to you.
This is how it was for me too! Talking to my sister and best friend about how I wasn’t “an alcoholic” and didn’t have “a problem” but still felt like it was a problem! After a few years of that thinking I was ready to not think about it anymore and love how I got that brain space back!
Exactly, Bri! I’m so glad you had that support and were able to get your brain back! <3
Yes, this is such a good point. You don’t need a standard definition, a “rock bottom” (I actually find that narrative extremely problematic for a lot of reasons, but people use it all the time as a marker), etc- if you are thinking you might be drinking too much, that’s ALL that matters.
Tessa, I *completely* agree. We can get so jammed up about whether we fit in *this* box or *that* box that we forget that we can define our own terms and validate our own experiences independently of the standard narrative.
There is so much I don’t like about “drinking culture” – and it starts EARLY. Binge drinking is so normalized in so many settings for teens and young adults (and other groups – “wine moms” being but one example). Having said this, I drink alcohol very occasionally (this year, to date, I believe I’ve had 1 or 2 drinks). I have sleep issues and GI issues and have a hard time handling more than 1 drink, so when I do drink, I have no problem sticking to 1. Last summer we bought alcoholic drinks for my husband’s birthday and we still haven’t finished the drinks that didn’t get consumed. Ironically, for someone who has never been a big drinker, I met my husband in a bar. But this was in the pre dating app days. That was how people met!
Wish cup of Jo would comment on the war your country is raging on Canada – make no mistake it is war. The US wants to overtake Canada. Please dont sit back and pretend this is not real. It is very very real. Speak up or you are a part of the problem
This is exactly how I feel about loosing weight. It’s come to a point where I wish I would just do it so I can stop thinking about it!
Same!!! Design Mom had a great essay in her Substack about Ozempic and a woman who said this is what the weight loss drug had done for her. It had quieted the constant chatter in her brain about thinking about food and weight loss. I am still mulling it over but I am very attracted to the idea that this is a conversation in my head that I could quiet. https://designmom.substack.com/p/my-expansive-thoughts-on-ozempic
Valuable article! Thank you for sharing! Just lost a brother, a niece and other siblings to tobacco, drug and alcohol addiction. You can’t force someone into recovery and if they refuse it’s hellish not only for that person but for the whole family. Addiction impacts not only the person with the addiction but their whole entourage.
The past couple of years I’ve gotten the sense that society has become a lot more open to alcohol reduction, sobriety, and the sober-curious. Or maybe it’s just my social circles? But I’m really grateful that we’re slowly getting into the mindset of accepting others’ choices to abstain without questioning them about it. Unrelated to alcoholism or sobriety for mental health reasons, when I was in the early stages of my pregnancy, it was a lot easier to avoid drinking without question when so many of my friends regularly practice seasons of abstaining.
this was a great reminder that anchors don’t always exist in the form of huge, drama filled mishaps. that simple, not so catastrophic, things can be largely in the way. and sometimes it just comes down to knowing what is keeping us from truly not respecting our own self. i appreciate the authentic transparency. felt like a much-needed word dump with a valued girlfriend… and as we know, those are really what make a womans world keep spinning!
This is so beautiful Linda- and aren’t our girlfriend conversations the place where so many of these small, invisible shifts, the ones that actually chage our lives, originate? Well that at COJ. ha.
This is excellent writing and it rings true for me and my experience. It was a slow, gradual process but it consumed so much of my thinking. At one point I realized I had been drinking since I was 21 and I was turning 41 in a few months… and it really hadn’t helped me in any way. Some things that have helped: 1) I don’t really talk about it to anyone but my husband and a few close friends. If it comes up, I just say “I retired from drinking” and no one has given me a hard time. 2) Being sober for my kids and knowing that when they are older they will know they can always call me at any time of night or day and not have to worry I won’t be sober enough to help them. 3) The growth of my inner peace, clarity, and confidence in myself (and simultaneously the decrease in my anger )has been priceless. Do I still have struggles? Yes, even daily. But I know I can work through it and things won’t be like this forever. 4) sometimes I do wish I could have just one little drink to “take the edge off” in social situations. I remind myself how good I will feel the next morning when I don’t engage and I also remind myself that being sober is hard and my brain is still tricked by the addictive nature of the drink. It helps, but it’s still hard. *** all that said, after a few years of total sobriety I gave myself permission to have a drink… and it was not what my brain was telling me I was missing. So I do now occasionally have a drink (like maybe 1-2 in a year) just as that reminder to myself that it’s really not what I had built it up to be in my 20s and 30s.
I am 3 months alcohol-free after years of wanting it to stop taking up space in my brain. I wasn’t sure who I was if I wasn’t the bourbon-loving person who unwound with a drink (or 2) every night on the couch after bedtime with my shows and my husband. After making many declarations to myself (only on the weekends! Only 1 a night but I can bank them!) I just rebel against my own limits, and after years of this realized it had to be all or nothing. A minor surgery and wanting to abstain to get the anesthesia out of my system healthily was the impetus to stop. It wasn’t pre-planned, it just sort of happened naturally and started as a temporary idea. It’s early days still, and I’m trying not to set too many bold statements for myself (because of that natural rebellion in me!) but I’m done.
Interesting article. For years I used to drink quite a lot, as my husband is very fond of gastronomy and wine. I’m talking about 10-15 glasses per week. Then I heard you weren’t supposed to drink more than 10 glasses a week. I managed (with difficulty) to curb my drinking to fit this. Then I heard for a woman, no more than 7 glasses a week – I curbed my drinking again. Anyway I had realized that my evening drinking would coincide with my having trouble falling asleep, with my heart racing which I previously attributed to stress. I started realizing I felt better not drinking. And then we decided to try for a baby, and I stopped drinking altogether. And guess what? It actually wasn’t hard, I don’t even miss drinking because I remember how bad I would feel afterwards, and overall I feel my quality of life has improved. My husband has seriously cut down on drinking, too.
Thanks for making space for this! This is my relationship with social media & news, and I’d love to see an essay about that! I have been cutting down so much, using app blockers and coaching, but (to me) it feels even harder to not use it casually than with drinking. I loved Catherine Prices book “how to break up with your phone” and my boyfriend has the code to my blocked apps and I use grayscaling on my phone, which all helps. Would love more articles about it! Thanks for this space!
I second this! Would love a post about this topic as I struggle with this as well.
I have taken to deleting IG off my phone Monday through Friday. I am more productive and my mind feels quieter.
We are in therapy trying to save what feels like a lifetime of love but also, I can’t think of one positive trait I like about him. And a messy mess middle feels like exactly it. Will he learn to accept our youngest child? Can I stay if he doesn’t? Will I be the first divorce in my family? Will that ruin my life? My boys life? Will it ever feel like bubbly easy fun love again? I don’t know. So I sit and wait until next weeks session where inevitably I will leave feeling worse with a little more of my tender heart showing. Ugh. Ps if you know what I should do, I have never been more interested in advice/wisdom/letting someone else be in charge.
I’m so sorry this is happening for you. I don’t have any words of wisdom, I just read this comment and wanted to tell you someone is thinking of you.
Dump him! I know it’s not that simple. But… dump him. Miranda July has a Substack that has provided an incredible wealth of insight on answers to questions like yours. Maybe look there and check out the one focused on “should I blow up my life?”
Came here to say that was my experience of couples counseling as well… leaving feeling so much worse. I can’t tell you what to do about your marriage but I stopped going to couples counseling and did individual therapy with an amazing therapist instead. Still married and things are better (different situation) but if my spouse was damaging my kids I would leave no matter how hard it made my/their life in the short term. I wish my mom had made that choice for her kids and herself. Sending you lots of love. Once you decide what to do, I know that you can do that next right thing until things get better.
Divorce will not ruin your child’s life. But seeing you continue to choose a man who does not choose them–a man who does not fully love and accept them as they are–will hurt them deeply. I can hear the anguish and love in your comment and I would encourage you to think critically about messages you may have received around what children need (eg. a two parent home) and evidence and living testimony on what children need (eg. unconditional love and acceptance). What are your values that make divorce seem insurmountable? And what are your values around parenting? And self-respect? Which of those values speak to you in the voices of others, and which speak in your own truest, deepest voice?
If he’s not accepting your child… That sounds dire.
I of course know nothing about your life or relationship, but just wanted to let you know that a year and a half ago I separated from my partner of 20 years and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Our son is totally fine, and I am blissfully happy and feel like myself for the first time in years. If you can’t think of one positive trait, I feel like that’s a good sign to leave. I was in the “messy mess middle” for a couple of years, and then after I left, everything felt so clear and light and easy – even with custody stuff, the shame and guilt, the move, etc. Just wanted you to know that it’s possible! Sending you hugs and support.
I have two elementary school-age kids and my divorce was just finalized last week. We separated 2 years ago and I can still feel the relief I felt the day I finally said I was done. It can be really hard sometimes, but boy is it worlds better than it was.
One of my dear friends said to me “I know you don’t have the conviction right now, but I do and I will hold that for you until you’re ready.” So – without conviction – I left and she was right. I think of her all the time because I did need someone else to be in charge. (Another friend booked me an appointment with a lawyer, and a third friend sat with me through that meeting and asked all the questions I didn’t/couldn’t ask.) I was the first divorce in my family. My daughter is thriving. Every day I am so so so glad I left (we were together 22 years).
This is such a hard situation. I just wanted to add to others’ comments that your kids will be alright. What’s more damaging is having a father who does not accept and fully love them. This is actually emotional trauma and even if the child doesn’t display it, they “know” deep down. And it can lead to a lifetime of issues like lack of confidence, people pleasing, making decisions based on external validation, and also finding romantic partners that aren’t healthy for them. I’m not at all saying a divorce will be easy but you know how coj had that topic about finding yourself again as a mother? I think you will find and love yourself in ways you can’t imagine without this emotional (and physical!) anchor holding you down. Sending support to you
Sending you love to that very messy middle. Those giant questions that can’t be answered by one person, or in a short amount of time, or without seeing what it looks like on a daily basis are so hard to be patient with
Leave him. If you doubt it at all. Be grateful that you had a love that lasted so long but know that not all love lasts. I was also terrified of being the first divorce in my family but—radical idea?—it’s FUN and LOVELY to love more than one person in your lifetime. You don’t have to hate him to want to love someone else. It’s an amazing new adventure. Free yourself. You will love again, I promise. You will be JUST as happy. Free yourself. You will be shocked one day you didn’t do it sooner. I normally don’t give advice that is so direct, but I wish I had left him sooner and enjoyed those years I wasted worrying.
I feel I accidentally stopped drinking. Living in a (not my home)culture where not drinking is the norm has helped. Socializing over coffee, juice , music etc is very normal. I do love my mind and body now and it feels tired weird and a bit anachronistic when someone says “let’s grab a drink” – but that’s ok, when I suggest a walk or coffee they are usually game. I will admit not drinking now almost 4 years – except for perhaps a glass on new years – has made me more lenient with myself on other vices (tobacco- I love it when immersed in work or in gossip with a friend).
Thank you so much for the honest reflection and sharing your story. My experience with quitting alcohol was similar to yours in that it was a bit of a dance I did with myself for a few years of taking breaks from drinking then returning to it, but ultimately it was through the work of therapy that I did to heal two decades of disordered eating that led me to tune into how alcohol was actually making my body feel (like a steaming pile of compost with a migraine!) and I had built up enough trust with my connection to myself to honour my body’s request to stop drinking. I’m 2.5 years alcohol-free and have never looked back.
I haven’t had any alcohol for nearly two years now. I stopped drinking when I was pregnant with my second and just didn’t start again after my gorgeous girl arrived. I used to be a big party animal (boozer) but didn’t think I had any kind of problem. But now? I don’t think I could drink again, even though I kind of want to, sobriety just feels good. However, I am almost secretly sober as I don’t want friends to judge me and don’t really know how to talk about it without sounding preachy. I’m now thinking about what else I can give up for my health. Caffeine is the obvious choice (RIP my 5 cups of tea a day). Anyone done this and felt the benefits?
Yes! I gave up caffeine because I realized what terrible withdrawal headaches I had if I missed my morning cup. I no longer wanted to be dependent on something. When I was drinking coffee, I could not imagine giving it up and still functioning, but what I realized is that when you are drinking caffeine regularly, you need it to get to your baseline functioning level. But when you don’t drink caffeine, eventually you just are at your baseline functioning level. That feels good. I do very rarely have caffeine now (mostly if I’m driving long distances) and it makes me feel anxious. I bridged myself with decaf coffee, because I still enjoyed the ritual, but now I am a committed herbal tea drinker. My favorite is Sweet and Spicy tea by Good Earth, available at many grocery stores! It comes in caffeinated or non caffeinated versions.
I would recommend anyone with anxiety quit caffeine. Seriously.
I cut coffee and switched to green tea for health reasons in Aug 2023. Then in Jan 2024, I quit green tea and switched to decaf coffee (mine is Kicking Horse decaf, which is Swiss Water method and 99.9% caffeine free). When I made that switch, I did not have any withdrawal headaches, which was great. I’m glad to no longer be needing caffeine to not have a headache. I still love the morning ritual of my decaf latte and enjoy that time in the morning.
Gosh! Wow! Shame! Blame! Sadness! My fault! Damaged. Realized. This is me.
Messy middle too. I started using an app to track my drinking after getting into a daily red wine routine (2 glasses usually) and wasn’t happy with the ongoing internal negotiations around moderation. On my 36th birthday, I was hungover while out backcountry skiing and decided to gift myself a dry year. It’s been 3 months and plan to keep going long term. Nothing magical (still need to improve my coffee to water ratio), but better sleep and the extra mental space makes it totally worth it.
Better sleep and extra mental space sound magical to me :) what an amazing gift for yourself
Ten years and two months not drinking. I quit because I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. My only regret is not quitting sooner. If you are struggling, know you can do it 🤍
My husband and I stopped Alcohol on February 1, 2022. My husband had a family history of addiction that we had recently come face to face with in all its messy and sad facets. We were looking to get pregnant in the next year or two. And alcohol had become such a crutch for us especially during the long solitude of Covid shutdowns. We stopped cold turkey because we also wanted to free our minds from the weight of determining what ‘moderation’ was – being sober and quitting cold turkey was honestly the easier long term option. And now as parents of an almost 2-year-old, as the only sober people in either groups of our friends, our lives are rich and it never feels like we are missing out on anything.
I spent the weekend trying to keep a friend who struggles with alcohol addiction alive. I was really shocked at what alcohol can do. I’ve known this friend for over a decade and seeing her go from a happy, bubbly girl to a woman with deep pain, shuddering, retching and coughing from withdrawal was really horrendous. The thing is, I realise the alcohol addiction stems from deeper issues of trauma and abuse; it provides relief from that pain. As someone who doesn’t drink (just because I don’t like the taste), I feel quite lost about how to help her aside from checking that she’s alive, praying for her, and recommending a free addiction recovery programme that my church runs (don’t have to be a Christian to join, although I think they do pray at the end of every session). Any advice is welcomed; I just want her to be free of this.
While it’s amazing you are helping your friend, I gently need to point out that you can’t do this for her. Assistance and encouragement is great. But she won’t overcome it unless SHE wants to and puts in the work. Highly recommend setting boundaries for yourself if she gets to a place where you are helping but she is not ready to do the work.
Reading Quit Like a Woman completely changed my relationship with alcohol. I used to be a 1-2 on the weekdays and 2-4 on the weekends person, but it truly enraged me about how much marketing from massive corporations was going into making women a target demo for drinking. I thought I came up with being cool for liking bourbon neat as a young woman myself….no, that idea was a result of my exposure to marketing. Likewise, the alcohol lobby has continued to push myths about some alcohol being good for you when it’s been known for years (and popularized much more recently) that no amount is good for you. I still really enjoy a crisp glass of pinot on a summer evening, or an expertly made cocktail at a great bar, but the less I drink the more it makes me feel like shit when I do. Bad sleep, bad skin, emotional hangovers, digestive issues, etc. I hope that anyone who wants to cut down or stop drinking is able to, and if you’re not, that you seek support like the author did. CoJ, thanks for continuing the conversation on this topic.
Beth, I’m a public health doctoral student who does a lot of work on alcohol and how corporations shape our health and I just wanted to say – THIS! Thrilled to hear this perspective emerge here. I think more women need to be made aware of the way that this powerful industry has commoditised feminism and fabricated a culture wherein drinking is linked with empowerment or encouraged as a coping mechanism for women trying to balance work and home life.
Learning about the ways that alcohol has specifically been marketed and targeted to women was hugely eye opening for me. The ways that the alcohol lobby has succeeded in marketing wine to women as “mommy’s little helper” and how that has translated to wine-soaked girls weekends really grosses me out now. I know this is very millenial of me but – of course capitalism is to blame for our drinking! We’ve been sold a lie all in the service of an industry just trying to sell more product!
I’m making changes in what I eat (having seconds of vegetables instead of the entree, sometimes; not having dessert, sometimes; focusing on protein if I’m snacking) and making big changes in my financial habits. Who does it serve if I waste all my family’s money on what I’m curious about now instead of memories we could make together later? Who does it serve if I’m stressed to the gills about whether the money will be there when the bill is automatically withdrawn at the end of the month, simply because I wasn’t being mindful in the first part of the month? Small changes, but huge, enormous changes.
What a tender and touching article. As a former “gray area drinker” I relate to much of this.
I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant in October 2017. My husband was already sober at that point (he had fatty liver). But then my daughter was born and I was breastfeeding. And I found myself just saying no to alcohol. It’s frustrating that it’s been 7 years and I still get offered alcohol by friends and family. It just made sense to support my husband and not drink as well. I don’t miss it. In college I went from a teetotaler to binge drinking and blackouts. The five years prior to quitting I gave myself a strict 2 drink limit to keep away the binge drinking demons. The only downside to quitting alcohol is the intense sweet tooth I have now. But it’s totally worth it.
CoJ killing it with the relatable mom content this week! For me it was my 6 yo daughter offering me a glass of wine like she knew it was my favorite thing in the world. “Mommmyy, do you want some wiiiine??” Like how I would tempt her with a hot fudge sundae. I’ve scaled way back on my drinking to a point I feel comfortable with, but more importantly I’m careful about how I treat it in front of my kids.
Two and a half months without a drink here. I listened to The Alcohol Experiment. It made me realize that although alcohol was not a problem for me, it was certainly not a solution to my problems and I have not had a drink since. I still like the ritual of a drink, but there are so many great NA alternatives at TJs that I love so I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.
Erin, I would love to hear your suggestions for N.A. beverages at TJs!
I read an article a long time ago about making a decision about the kind of person I am in order to adopt a new habit. The author put it much more eloquently than that, but that’s the crux of it. So when I decided to curb my alcohol intake I made a personality choice ‘I don’t drink more than 2 days in a row, I don’t drink more than 3 days per rolling week.’ This means I have to be very intentional with when I drink, even considering my upcoming commitments. Do I want to drink at home, or out with friends? I can have a drink at the restaurant or at my cousin’s wedding. Here’s what my week has looked like, with my thought process. Thursday – No alcohol. Friday – No Alcohol: I’m going to have drinks tomorrow & Sunday. Saturday – Family lunch: bubbles to celebrate grandparent’s 65th anniversary. Sunday – Caught up with my oldest friend: dinner & wine. Monday – No alcohol: I don’t drink more than 2 days in a row. Yesterday – No alcohol: I want to have wine on my anniversary and I don’t drink more than 3 days in a rolling week. Today is Wednesday. No alcohol, I don’t drink more than 3 days in a rolling week. Tomorrow – No alcohol, I don’t drink more than 3 days in a rolling week. Friday – Our wedding anniversary: Dinner & wine. Saturday – No alcohol: I’m going to a concert tomorrow and I want to drink there Sunday – Alcohol: Dive bar & a gig. Making “personality decisions” like this has helped me improve my habits in a bunch of different ways.
Man, I relate to this so much. I used math like this at various points, and it did help me not drink excessively. And if it works for you and feels good, that is awesome and you’ll find no judgement here. But I have to say, putting down that mental load and just stopping entirely was such an incredible relief. I had no idea how much space it was taking up in my brain. Choosing once and never again about drinking or not has been one of the great gifts of my life.
A year (or two?) ago when it felt like there were quitting drinking articles everywhere and I was drinking (1-2 drinks) more days than not, this was how I transitioned to drinking less. For some people, this Tetris-ing of drinking may be really helpful in helping you make decisions! Now I have 2-3 drinks a week but I don’t think about it. Some weeks it’s a little more, occasionally less, but importantly, on days I don’t drink, I don’t think about it.
This was thought-provoking! My relationship with alcohol is interesting and evolving. My college years and immediately following were absolutely riddled with binge drinking. I drank only in party settings but to excess and loved how it melted away a lot of the shyness I struggled with in my earlier years. I didn’t ever do anything I really *regret* in those years but I do regret that I didn’t take the time to learn how to better navigate social situations sans alcohol until many years later. And, I’ve never enjoyed drinking alone in any capacity so I never saw alcohol as the problem in itself, as much as a crutch I used around other people because I’m shy. Now that I’m older and have a kiddo, the amount I drink is so so low (1 drink a week… Some of the time. Mostly none.) I just am not willing to sacrifice any of my sleep, and I feel comfortable enough socially where I just don’t care as much about being awkward/shy. Growing up is truly a blessing in that regard. Anyway, if anyone else out there went through their college/early adult years in a binge-drinking culture and is still trying to unlearn it- I see you and feel you!
After what felt like the 30th time of not being able to defend my side of my argument with partner (because I couldn’t, um, remember what I’d said) I went cold turkey last July. Two months in I started feeling like I was only caring about my ‘streak’ and not my actual sobriety, so I had a single jello shot (LOL) to break the physical and mental streak and get off the perfectionism/performative hamster wheel. I’m so happy with where I’ve landed – mindful attunement to what my body wants in the moment. I’m not entirely sober, but sometimes I accidentally go a month or two without drinking without even noticing. I do feel as though I’m in the minority as someone who really can just drink ‘sometimes’, which can be hard for others to understand or relate to. I find I spend likely too much time explaining myself! For those in the comments that relate to this, I SEE YOU <3
This describes my experience with sobriety (just over two years now) perfectly. I have barely enough mental energy for my family and my job- debating about my drinking just couldn’t keep taking any space. I loved good beer and good wine, but it just started making me feel like garbage, and the mental gymnastics required to keep it in my life once I learned how terrible it is for you just started to feel ridiculous. Sober curious folks, I promise your life is better without alcohol. The first music concert I went to sober was honestly my best concert ever! Bonus was I never had to stand in the line for the bathrooms.
I had a problematic relationship with alcohol when I was younger and binge drank waaaay too much. As an adult, I rarely drank 7 drinks a week, but even 4 felt like too much. I also hated that it was my go to after work de stressing strategy. A few months ago, during a health crisis of one of my children, I started an anti depressant. My alcohol cravings basically went away. I never feel so stressed that I want a drink. I sometimes have one socially, but it doesn’t make me feel great (you’re not really supposed to drink on anti depressants anyway). Anyways, it made me realize how much I had been drinking to mask an anxious brain, and when my anxious brain had other help, I didn’t want alcohol anymore.