Three Transgender Kids Share Their Stories
These days, I’m sure you agree, it’s more important than ever to understand that there are many ways to live a good life. People come from all different backgrounds, cultures, belief systems, and perspectives, and, of course, just because something may feel unfamiliar or confusing to a certain person or group doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful and true and worthy. To this end, we are reposting some past posts and doubling down on amplifying diverse perspectives that may not always be heard widely. We stand in support of our transgender friends and readers, as always. Here is a 2021 post featuring three kids talking about their gender identities.
We spoke with three amazing transgender kids. Below they share their favorite hobbies, how they transitioned at school, and the advice they’d give other kids…
Violet, she/her, age 13
Can you tell me about yourself?
I’m 13 years old. I’m almost 14. I’m in eighth grade.
When did you transition at school?
The end of second grade, beginning of third grade. But I was part of the girls’ group from when I was in kindergarten. Everyone knew I wasn’t a boy. So, it wasn’t a shock when I transitioned. Everyone was so young, they were like, this is cool. ‘This is weird’ happened later.
What happened then?
By fifth, sixth, seventh grade, people would be like, ‘You’re still a boy, you know you’re still a boy.’ I’ve had experiences where people have called me slurs. But it was only a couple people. All my friends were supportive. And a lot of people who weren’t my friends were supportive. There will always be kids who don’t understand or don’t get it, and it sucks, but you just have to deal with it.
I’m about to start high school. I’m moving to a different school, so I get a chance to start over and be anonymous. That’s going to be really good for me. I want a chance to have a regular school experience, not necessarily based on who I used to be. The kids in my school right now have known me since preschool, so they know everything. I want to have control over who I tell and how that happens.
How did you choose the name Violet?
My mom gave me a list of names and she said, pick one. I always liked the name Violet because she said that’s what she would have named me if I had been born female. I thought the name was cool and different.
What have your parents, siblings or other people done or said that has been helpful?
Even before I came out, I got the sense that no matter what happened, I would be unconditionally loved by my parents and siblings. I have a twin brother in the same school as me, and he always sticks up for me. He says if anyone says something, they can talk to him about it. He’s my rock. My little brother has only grown up with me as Violet, so it seems normal to him, which I appreciate.
What do you wish people knew about being trans?
The main thing is that it’s not a choice. It’s a choice to come out, but being trans is not a choice. It wasn’t like one day I woke up and felt the way the wind blew and wanted to be a girl. I ALWAYS knew I wasn’t a boy. It wasn’t that I wanted to be a girl; I WAS a girl. I just had to put that into words and explain that.
What was it like when you were very young?
I didn’t really understand the concept of gender, but about four years before I came out, the first day of pre-K, my mom let me choose what to wear. I was always wearing pink and expressing myself. Later, at my elementary school, you had to do mandatory swimming, and one day in the locker room some boys were misbehaving. I was so body-conscious that I would change in the stalls, so I wasn’t a part of it. Then the swim teacher came in and started yelling at them. And later our teacher was like, ‘Can all the boys stay behind? All the girls can go to the yard.’ And I was like, well, I’m not a boy so why am I even here? It was frustrating.
Are there things people say or do that isn’t helpful?
People think it’s okay to ask, Do you have a penis? before they even know me! It’s highly inappropriate and it’s also a weird question. You can’t go up to people before you know their name and say, hey, what’s in your pants? That’s always uncomfortable to me. But I also don’t like when people try to be overly supportive or make sure I’m totally okay with everything. When people are talking about it at all, even if it’s positive, I get embarrassed or flushed. So, I think there’s a balance of respect with people’s pronouns and privacy and not being like, how do you feel about this? Can I call you this? Those are great questions to ask but sometimes I’m trying to just be a person.
Anything that’s surprised you?
Even if you expect some things to happen, you’re still caught off guard. For example, as I was going into the girls’ bathroom, I overheard someone say, ‘Why is he going into that bathroom? He’s such a perv.’ I was like, okay… this stuff is bound to happen but it’s still a shock when someone says something hurtful or rude.
What would you tell a younger kid who is transgender?
Even if some people don’t get it, at the end of the day, it’s going to be okay. Everything that you’re feeling is totally normal. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not. Just live your life. Everyone cares about what others think of them, but once you stop caring as much, your life opens up. That’s really powerful in my opinion.
Also, find a community, if you can. For many years, I’ve gone to a sleep-away camp, which has all trans kids. It has been a really amazing experience. It has given me a chance to connect with people who have gone through similar things and just know that I’m going to be able to have fun and a normal kid experience — and I have a deep connection with everyone there. I feel safe there. Being trans there is normal. I’m not the only one. That’s really cool.
Zack, he/him, age 9
What hobbies do you have these days?
I really like rock climbing. I like painting. Sometimes I make dinner for my family, and I always make a dessert.
Ooh, like what?
I take a cookie and then I add a lot of chocolate. I once made an Eiffel Tower of chocolate. I took a cookie and put a layer of Nutella and banana on it and another layer of Nutella and some York Peppermint Patty Minis and another layer of Nutella and chocolate chips on top.
What’s your favorite animal?
I like snakes and tarantulas. I haven’t seen a tarantula but I want to.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
At school, we have question of the day, and my teacher just asked that question! And I said either a food inventor, rock climber or DJ.
Do you remember when you realized you were a boy?
I realized I was a boy one night right before bed, and it just came to me. I yelled that I was a boy. My mom and my sister were in the room. My friend was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. I don’t know where Daddy was.
How did it feel to yell that?
Good.
What’s the best thing about being seen as a boy?
When people talk to me or about me, they don’t say ‘she’ or ‘girl.’
How did you choose the name Zack?
At first, it was going to be Jacob because we read this book, The Pants Project. It’s about this girl and she went to a new school where they had a uniform and she had to wear a skirt all the time and she didn’t like it at all and there was a boy named Jacob who had a disease that made his legs sometimes not work and so then he and the girl became friends and she told Jacob that she was trans and she went to the school with her friend and then they made a petition and all the boys wore skirts to school and she wore the boys’ uniform. I don’t know why I picked Zack, it just came to me.
When did you transition at school?
Third grade. Everybody was fine with it. There is one teacher who doesn’t really understand it, though. She says she tries but she really doesn’t. I just had class and she called on me and she said, ‘She’s had her hand up for a long time,’ and I tried to tell her I was a boy, and she said, Shhhh.
What have your parents, sister or other people done or said that’s been helpful?
My mom said she was going to email the teacher about it, which is helpful.
What do you wish people knew about being trans?
Some people think there’s something wrong with you and they think it’s just a phase but the only person who gets to decide that is you.
What would you tell a younger kid who is realizing they’re trans?
If somebody tells you it’s just a phase, don’t listen to them. It’s not their choice. Don’t listen to people who tell you you’re different or you’re weird. Well, if they tell you that, take it as a compliment.
Aya, she/her, age 9
Tell me about yourself!
I do Rainbow Loom — I can make bracelets and chokers with rubber bands. And I bike a lot. I like to play Minecraft and play Dungeons & Dragons.
What are your favorite foods?
Oreos — but not the chocolate kind, the vanilla kind. Fries, cinnamon rolls and pasta.
Any foods you really don’t like?
Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, and I think chocolate. We were doing something in the backyard, some party, and someone brought croissants and I asked, is it a chocolate croissant, and she said, I don’t think so, and I ate it and there was a chocolate part in it.
Do you remember when you realized you were a girl?
I always knew because before I told Mommy and Daddy, I was always wearing dresses. For Halloween, I dressed up as Elsa from Frozen. Another time, we all dressed up as witches and there were different costumes for boys, and Daddy obviously got the boy one, but I wanted the one that my sister Emmie had.
How did you tell your parents?
There was one night when my sister was like, ‘So… Mommy’s a girl, I’m a girl, Daddy’s a boy, and you’re a boy.’ But I immediately was like, ‘No, no, I’m a girl.’ And that was the first time, but there was another time. We were driving back from Mommy’s school, and she was telling me about the different words like transgender and all different words and when she described transgender, I was like, that’s me. I was five.
How did you choose the name Aya?
Mommy’s dad’s name started with an A, so it had to have an A. I really liked Annabel, but Mommy and Daddy didn’t like it. Daddy suggested Aya. Now I kind of like Aya more. But I name things Annabel. I have a stuffy named Annabel. And I am doing a historical fiction journal thing and the main character is Annabel.
How did you transition at school?
It started when I was five, but I transitioned at school in second grade. It took years. In second grade, I started wearing dresses. At the end of second grade, I started using they/them pronouns. In third grade, I started using she/her pronouns. In fourth grade, I changed my name to Aya.
How were those steps?
Everyone was accepting. There were no bad things, like saying, no, that’s wrong. There was just this one time I remember — I was playing with a boy in school. And he identified as a boy, but he wore so-called girl clothes. There was this other boy who was like, ‘Why are you guys wearing girl clothes?’ I just said, ‘What’s girl clothes?’ even though I knew what he was talking about. He was like, ‘That’s what you’re wearing.’ And I was like, ‘What am I wearing?’
Also, I told Maria, my teacher, during second grade. That first day when I started wearing dresses, we wanted to do it on Monday. But that Monday was April Fools’ Day, and Mommy said people might think it was an April Fools’ joke. But it was great, nobody thought it was an April Fools’ joke. My teacher Maria also read a book that I brought called I Am Jazz.
Why did you choose that book?
It’s about a transgender girl and I thought it would help everybody know what it means.
Are there any other books or TV shows you like with transgender characters?
The other picture books I like are Born Ready, Introducing Teddy, Bunnybear, Julian Is a Mermaid, When Aidan Became a Brother, Neither, 10,000 Dresses and Pink Is for Boys. I really like the chapter book George, too. I also like the TV show I Am Jazz. Also, fun fact: When we were watching a Mo Willems episode about drawing, he told us that his child is transgender — the one from Knuffle Bunny. Trixie is now Trix!
What have your parents or other people done that’s been helpful?
They’ve been really supportive. My mom told all of our relatives — ‘Aya is transgender and changing her pronouns and blah blah blah blah blah.’ And then whenever we went to play with one of my friends who didn’t know, Mommy would whisper, ‘Do you want to tell them or do you want me to?’ And I was always like, ‘Can you?’ Everyone always has a lot of questions. And then I would play with them and there was no, like, Soooo… why are you doing this? Why are you wearing a dress?
What would you tell a younger kid who is realizing they’re trans?
Don’t let anybody convince you that you shouldn’t be transgender. Before I told Mommy and Daddy, it always felt wrong. Wearing boy stuff and going outside as a boy felt wrong.
What do you wish more people knew about being transgender?
I want everyone to realize that it’s not any different from anybody else. I mean, it’s different and special, but you’re the same as everybody else. I’m a girl. No biggie.
Thank you, Violet, Zack and Aya! Read more about LGBTQ youth at the Trevor Project.
P.S. A transgender advocate’s beauty uniform, and a colorful Seattle home that’s all about acceptance.
(Photo by Hilary Walker/Stocksy. A few names have been changed to protect privacy.)
Comments
158 commentsHi Jo, Just wondering if you ever wrote a series from the perspective of the parents and his they navigated all of this? It’s wonderful hearing from the kids, you can tell that they felt so confident in their parents live and acceptance. I’d just love to hear how the parents integrated this and made decisions along the journey. I’m going through something similar at the moment before my child starts school soon. My husband and I are trying to navigate it all but I have to say it feels very lonely because I don’t know any trans kids IRL and don’t know how to bake the best decisions from my child. I’m so afraid of reading things online because it’s all so loaded and it’s very difficult to filter out the bad faith actors.
It’s particularly powerful to hear them articulate that being transgender isn’t a choice, but rather an intrinsic part of who they are. The advice they offer to younger trans kids is also deeply moving and vital. This piece beautifully underscores the importance of acceptance, understanding, and creating supportive communities for all children to thrive as their authentic selves. Thank you for sharing these powerful stories!
I would love to see another post updating us on how these wonderful, thoughtful humans are doing as they reach adolescence in this scary era in our history.
Here is what I can never understand about people who are up in arms about trans kids and are so thrown out of whack by their existence: THIS DOESN’T AFFECT YOU. Unless you are the parent, friend, loved one, etc. of a trans child, what harm is it doing to you? And before you say “men in women’s bathrooms” or “taking away sports scholarships” – remember that fearmongering article headlines do not dictate what is actually happening. No one is taking scholarships away from your cis child. No trans woman are attacking anyone in bathrooms. In fact – if you are so concerned that an assigned male at birth person would attack you in the bathroom, then your issue is actually with MEN. Let these kids live and explore and be happy. Let’s bring down suicide rates for this community. Ask yourself the next time you feel outraged about trans kids’ existence – “does this affect my life in any way?” Good chance the answer is no.
Hi Sarah In response to your question, I think many people are concerned that gender theory has been inserted into our laws and pushed society-wide in the last 10-15 years with no vote and little discussion. It’s had a huge impact on single sex spaces (girls sports teams now also contain transmen, as do women’s prisons) and even on how we talk about women (as menstruators, chest feeders). That seems bonkers to many of us. The harder part is seeing kids now being being told that normal unease with their bodies means they those bodies need to be changed. I wish there were Americans untouched by this, but it’s so widespread that I don’t think that exists. I’ve seen a lesbian niece fall deeply into gender theory for years and only recently emerge, I’ve seen a man kill himself in his 20s because transitioning didn’t address his mental health struggles. So, unfortunately we’re all sucked into this. Why not talk about it? Maybe because people are afraid of the logical or ethical issues that gender theory can’t address. Perhaps you should think about why you want to shut down discussion of this topic.
Andrea, these are TERF talking points and I am tired of trying to explain how they are inherently tied to white heteronormative patriarchal supremacy. As a cisgendered woman, I find it bonkers that anyone is threatened by trans women and non-binary folks in women’s spaces, and equally bonkers that anyone would balk at inclusive language in medicine. You mention that gender theory has inserted itself in our laws and society. To that I say, please, let’s continue to deconstruct the harmful gender norms we were taught!
It’s a distraction strategy to absorb energy from what *actually* matters like genocide and women’s bodily autonomy and the erosion of democracy and the tanking of the global economy. If everyone is stressing about something which makes no difference to their lives – unless they are trans or love someone who is trans – then it gives them an illusion of control over the world. It’s absolute BS.
To be clear, having concerns about trans ideology and how others are affected in no way means that it’s okay to not show the same compassion and care for trans kids and people. That is equally important, as we need to treat all human beings with equal respect and care. I truly them want to be happy and feel loved, too.
Andrea, your points are nonsense and I’m tired of hearing them.
It matters so much to me that this site supports marginalized communities. Thank you, CoJ!
My youngest child is nonbinary. When I asked them if they ever get upset when someone misgenders them, they said “no, i don’t get mad at all. It just feels like the wrong note of a song” I’d like to try practicing as much generosity and patience with all the clanging notes happening around us. Even the well-meaning ones in these comments. I hope those quick to give an opinion on any “harms” would be open to hearing from those who’s lives are centered on this and I hoped they’d look into research before typing out thoughts and hope they’d concede that maybe the families & doctors involved have spent far more time and energy on this. I hope people reading through this could be open to the idea of learning and then maybe even changing the notes that ring out from them. CupofJo team, thank you so much for this post.
I know so many people feel that allowing a child to transition too young might lead to problems later but what if they don’t get the chance to grow up? A 9-year-old transgender girl in our community died a few years ago from what first seemed like a bad cold. Thankfully her parents listened to her voice from an early age and allowed her to live her truth for the few short years she had on this earth. Her impact on our community was undeniable. Her dad gave this TedTalk after her death and I encourage anyone who is interested to watch it. May we all continue to love each other and celebrate what makes us different. https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_handerhan_why_different_is_a_matter_of_perspective?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
I love that you posted this here. Thank you for (re) posting this here. You really lean into being a Force of Good in the world, CoJ, (always but esp in recent years) and you handle it with such a light touch, and such grace. I have a tremendous amount of respect for it. I love this place and its community. Been here since pretty much the beginning and it’s why I’ll always stick around. ❤️
This means so, so much to me, Dana.
Thank you for resharing this, I remember when you first posted it! I’m not trans, but consider myself to be somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. I have known this about myself since I was able to understand the differences between “boys and girls.” I grew up with a friend who was assigned female at birth, but transitioned after high school. He always knew he was trans, and as his friend, even I always knew he was trans, even if he didn’t say it! People seem to think children wish to transition for no reason, but kids know way more about themselves than we often know or admit!
In case people are wondering about the ease of accessing medical gender-affirming care, at what age this happens, and whether people end up regretting their choices, the Maintenance Phase episode does a thorough review of the data in these areas. Turns out that most people can’t access care, it’s *extremely*rare for younger kids, and there is a near unanimous feeling of satisfaction later on.
Such an incredible episode! And yes, JUST how rare it is for younger kids – I remember in the ep, Michael says something like ‘there have almost been more op-eds in the NY Times about underage teens accessing care than there have been ACTUAL teens accessing it.’ Think about that all the time, in terms of how blown-out this argument has become.
My trans husband is the best human ever born, since time immemorial, in the history of the known and unknown universe. I think of the example he has set, and the ways that he has tangibly changed our culture, to pave the way for these kids and I weep with joy.
I really enjoyed this , thank you for posting. I love that these kids know who they are and you can hear their joy shine through in their answers. What treasures they are each and every one. I wish them all the joy and happiness in the world .
Parent of a trans kid here. I see some people saying they’re concerned about parents affirming their kids gender. Have your concerns, whatever, but we don’t need any government interference in our kids healthcare. Having cis people make decisions about the accessibility of gender affirming care is the same as cis men making decisions about abortion. Whatever you think, these decisions belong to the family that has to make them. So please get your foot off our necks.
It’s not the same as abortion. If puberty blockers turn out to do more harm than good, then the government should intervene, as in Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Norway, and the UK.
I think you’re being unduly harsh to the other commenters asking genuine questions about what is best for these children. I believe the vast majority of readers & commenters are sincerely wondering how to best support the kids today with their tomorrow in mind. I don’t see a single call for government intervention and your frustration is misguided here.
karson, I hear you. at the same time, I also think some commenters (not all!) are asking questions that have been answered so many times by the trans community, and i imagine it must be hard to hear the same questions over and over when the answers are easily accessible with a little reading and research. it’s not the trans folks’ job to educate everyone else, and I think it can be frustrating when people come in with strong opinions or loaded questions when it seems like they haven’t read or researched much before that (again, not everyone!).
Thank you, Joanna. I agree many questions could be answered with some reading. Y’all have done a great job moderating that the “foot off our necks” comment is out of line, and it’s a very aggressive phrase. Emotions run high with this topic, and rightfully so, but those words are ugly and cause divisiveness.
Molly I think abortion is actually the perfect comparison; except that instead of arguing about the access of complex health care for roughly 50% of the population, trans specific gender affirming healthcare affects about 1% of the population. A small population already facing incredible amounts of scrutiny and hate. Another reason this feels like an insincere conversation is puberty blockers are also prescribed to tons of cis children for other medical issues and no one cares. It is only trans children everyone wants to scream about. So I echo, get your foot off their necks.
Seeing this Cup of Jo comment bubble has been really eye-opening for me. It makes more sense in 2021, but in 2025 I have to admit I’m surprised so many people are still happily hopping aboard the gender train. After the WPATH scandal? After Dr. Marci Bowers (of Jazz Jennings fame) admitted her treatments left kids anorgasmic? https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/09/disturbing-leaks-from-us-gender-group-wpath-ring-alarm-bells-in-nhs There have been so many articles like this one by now, so many chances to get a broader perspective. People here are so confident, but fast forward 5-10 years in the future and imagine being wrong about all of this. It’s chilling.
What you’re doing here is textbook fearmongering. Citing a Guardian opinion piece and selectively misrepresenting Marci Bowers’ comments doesn’t make for a meaningful critique—it just amplifies a moral panic. Trans health care, like all medical care, evolves over time based on evidence, not cherry-picked anecdotes or out-of-context quotes. The “WPATH scandal” you reference is being weaponized almost exclusively by groups with a clear anti-trans agenda. If you’re concerned about medical ethics, great—then let’s talk about all the areas of medicine where informed consent, autonomy, and access are threatened. But pretending trans people’s existence or care is some mass delusion people will “wake up from” is not critical thinking—it’s just dehumanizing. If you’re imagining a dystopian future where affirming trans people is the thing we all regret… maybe pause and consider how many times in history that logic has been used to deny rights to already marginalized groups. Spoiler: It never ages well.
I’m not fearmongering. I know it sounds like it – suggesting patients who start gender treatments young have impaired sexual function, including the ability to orgasm, is scary. But this is not a lie or mere opinion. The fact is, medical professionals around the world are raising concerns about these treatments. It’s good to listen to the whistleblowers, and the trans people who also have concerns, and the detransitioners who feel like they were tricked, and the feminists who know a thing or two, and the therapists who work with gender questioning youth. Like many people, I think progressives are getting this wrong, because we think it’s a straightforward civil rights issue. It’s not.
You say this isn’t fearmongering, but it checks every box: cherry-picked anecdotes, moral panic over youth, framing trans people as victims of a system instead of people with agency. That’s not “raising concerns”—it’s manufacturing doubt to justify gatekeeping. You list whistleblowers, detransitioners, “concerned therapists,” and feminists like a lineup—but conveniently leave out the overwhelming majority of trans people and medical experts who support gender-affirming care. You say we should listen to feminists? Cool. I read feminist theory constantly. So tell me: who are you reading? Because every serious feminist scholar I know—Butler, Serano, hooks, Stryker—would tell you this is a civil rights issue. And that trans liberation is feminist liberation. You’re free to be uncomfortable. But discomfort isn’t clarity. And repackaging anti-trans talking points as “just asking questions” doesn’t make them neutral. It makes them dangerous.
Couldn’t agree more, Yellow. Thank you for the eloquent comment.
Yellow, I appreciate your passion, truly—and I think it’s possible for people with very different views on this topic to care deeply about human dignity. But I do want to gently challenge the idea that raising questions or citing concerns from within the medical community is inherently “dangerous” or equivalent to anti-trans rhetoric. There are medical professionals, many of them previously supportive of youth gender treatments, who are now asking for more caution—not out of animus, but concern. It’s also worth noting that multiple countries—Sweden, Finland, the UK, and others—have reviewed the data and scaled back youth medical transitions, shifting toward psychological support first. These aren’t fringe right-wing moves; they’re public health decisions rooted in evidence reviews. Yes, trans people deserve autonomy and dignity. But when we’re talking about children and adolescents—whose identities and bodies are still developing—there’s a genuine ethical question about what kinds of interventions are appropriate, and when. That’s not a denial of trans existence. It’s a call to ensure we’re offering the safest, most thoughtful care possible. Finally, labeling all dissent as “gatekeeping” or “moral panic” can create an environment where people are afraid to speak up, even in good faith. That’s not healthy for any movement. Lizzie’s concern doesn’t erase trans people’s agency—it invites more room for critical thinking and inclusion of a broader range of voices, including detransitioners, clinicians, and families. Progress requires honesty and nuance—not just affirmation, but reflection. That’s not fear. That’s care.
Monica, I agree with many of your points for sure, but i interpreted Yellow’s comment as a direct response to and critique of Lizzie’s comment — whereas (I think) you’re reading it more broadly.
Goodness me. I have a lot of respect for Jo but don’t really understand calling Yellow’s response to me eloquent. It was disdainful and assumed bad faith. Many feminists disagree with Butler and the others listed. It’s okay to disagree. And there are intelligent, caring therapists who have found the affirmation-only model to be harmful and inappropriate for their patients with gender dysphoria. There’s no need to put “concerned therapists” in scare quotes as if they don’t exist. I am uncompelled by these arguments because they’re simply unfair, designed to intimidate and shame me. But I know what I know. I’m still the pro-gay, pro-woman, liberal thinker I always was. I learned more, dared to listen to other perspectives, and changed my mind on this issue. I had to. I actually had to, to keep my principles, which do include safeguarding children. I don’t care if people call it gatekeeping and frame it as bigoted or right wing. I know who I am and what I’m about.
I am enormously grateful for this post. It normalises the fact that some people’s original gender does not fit or stick and that they suffer until they can be fully, joyfully, creatively and thoughtfully themselves. I am the parent of a trans young man and would like to correct two myths that have particularly gained in traction here through the politically motivated media, hysteria and fear. First the treatment offered to trans kids was not and never freely doled out, every transitioning young person underwent counselling and then saw a clinician before accessing any type of gender suppressing or changing medication. As a result of that myth, they shut the service down. No service now exists to counsel and treat these young people. Secondly a recent and in fact legally quite limited case was decided by the Supreme Court here. Trans women are no longer considered women. And this is because women are afraid they will be injured or killed by them, their rights violated by their very existence. Please wake up and see the real threat to us. In the UK and globally, most murders of women are committed by family, partners or were known to the victims. Most cars you buy are potentially lethal to you because they were designed by and for men. Public transport does not take into account the multiple, varied, non-straight line journeys women have to make because they are designed for men going from home to work. Trans women are not the ever-present and casually violent and violating threat to us. That remains the men in our world and the male world we have to occupy. Show tolerance and understanding to those who need your mercy not your condemnation
Thank you Emma. I totally agree with all your points. It reminded me of a thing my husband (cis) says is if people were so worried about trans people attacking women in the bathroom (even though this has been proven to not happen), and you buy into there only being 2 genders, what you are really saying, is MEN cannot be trusted around women, so why don’t you spend your energy changing men’s warped attitudes and just let trans peeps live their lives. :)
THANK YOU. That opening – what a wonderful sentiment, “Just because something may feel unfamiliar or confusing to a certain person or group doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful and true and worthy.” I’m a former Catholic (for so many reasons) but I always loved the Social Justice tenant – Preferential Option for the Poor which basically means those who are suffering most or who are the most vulnerable deserve more care. Now more than ever.
An intern joined our office. The name was Cecile, with an “e” at the end, for a girl. But I sensed something (thanks, Cup of Jo) and tried to avoid his/her pronouns. A year later, I had coffee with Cecil, no “e”, a beautiful beard and a confident, happy smile.
My son did a nanny share with a dear friend who has since transitioned. They recently posted an angsty photo that was set to the music of Hole. I commented that I got to see that band when I was just about their age and how Courtney Love was such an icon to my teenage self. That took us down a rabbithole of concert experiences and how awesome and cheap it was to go see live shows back then. I found the concert poster of that show and the cover was $5! That had me feeling nostalgic for that time but on further reflection, I realized: Now is better. When I was that age back in the early to mid 90s, things were still a binary and the only option for someone who wasn’t straight was to be gay, and if you were gay, there may have been some tolerance but I don’t recall much acceptance. I have learned SO much especially in the last decade about both sexuality and gender, and it is all thanks to the trans people in my life, particularly the young people. Even as stressful and chaotic and sometimes hopeless things can feel, these days especially, there has been progress. And while I know there is so much intolerance, there is also greater acceptance thanks to more trans people sharing their experiences. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a ton of work to do and trans people have unfairly been made political targets, but things are still better than they were 30 years ago. So while concert tickets were cheaper, the levels of awareness and spotlights that have been shone on what it means to be trans is meaningful.
I have compassion for these children (and that’s what they are- children) but adults allowing them to see themselves as the opposite gender, or to alter their bodies, are doing them a disservice. The prefrontal cortex is still developing in to a person’s mid and late twenties. Their acting out their confusion harms boys and girls around them, especially in regards to girls in school sports. Biological boys are stealing scholarships and varsity spots away from biological women as a result of gender dysphoria. Cup of Jo, why not feature an article interviewing adults how regret transitioning and suffer immensely from their decision to do so?
the percentage of people who regret transitioning is SO LOW, especially compared to the severe mental health problems, depression, and suicides of those who aren’t recognized for who they really are. these kids are not going through a phase, they have been saying who they are over and over for YEARS. these parenting and family decisions are considered with great thought and care.
I have compassion for you, Grace. I am sorry that you are feeling threatened by kiddos who are brave and beautiful. I know it can feel scary as an adult to see people who are free and embracing themselves fully if you feel like you have not had the permission and opportunity to do the same. It is my hope that you find your own freedom and spirit and realize that all of the boxes that our society places us in are an illusion. You too can find authenticity (whatever that means to you) and be free. I also gently ask you to do your research on the numbers when it comes to trans athletes. Trans athletes make up a very teeny (minuscule) percentage of the population. Here is a link to some statistics if you’d like to read more: https://glaad.org/fact-sheet-for-reporters-transgender-participation-in-sports/ https://www.thepinknews.com/2025/01/15/how-many-transgender-athletes-are-there-in-the-us/
I agree, Grace. Reposting this after the Cass review in the UK which stated that social transition is not recommended seems really behind the science. The Cass review said that social transition closes off options for kids. Most kids with gender dysphoria will either row up to be gay or lesbian or will work through their dysphoria as their bodies mature. All the countries that have done a systematic review of pediatric gender medicine have advised against it as not documented to help gender dysphoria.
the Cass review has been widely criticized by scholars, researchers, and doctors at places like Harvard, Yale, UCSF, The American Academy of Pediatrics, etc etc for many reasons, including being “based on prejudice rather than evidence.” here are just a couple links of many: https://ruthpearce.net/2024/04/16/whats-wrong-with-the-cass-review-a-round-up-of-commentary-and-evidence/ https://law.yale.edu/sites/default/files/documents/integrity-project_cass-response.pdf
We don’t know the rate of transition regret. The studies and flawed and not long-term enough. We do have the Cass Review and the Tavistock scandal and Time to Think by Hannah Barnes, all of which changed my mind on this issue. I think it is wrong to transition children, especially medically, when they are too young to consent to the lifelong consequences. Let gender nonconforming children grow up without interventions. Try to learn the other arguments, why so many European countries have changed their policies around gender medicine, for lack of evidence and evidence of harm. It’s not right-wing bigotry/conspiracy. I’m solidly on the left and so are many people who see serious problems here.
Regarding the Cass Review it’s important to distinguish between peer-reviewed scientific analysis and arguments that serve a legal agenda, like the Yale study cited here. More on that: https://adc.bmj.com/content/110/4/251 One of the authors of the Yale study, Johanna Olson Kennedy, withheld the findings of her government-funded study on puberty blockers: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/23/science/puberty-blockers-olson-kennedy.html
I agree, Grace, Andrea, and Lizzie. This story in really sealed the deal for me: https://open.substack.com/pub/bariweiss/p/i-thought-i-was-saving-trans-kids?r=1yt3u&utm_medium=ios Truly disturbing.
How disheartening to see COJ readers discount the lived experiences of so many kids and their families. As a commenter said above, decisions belong with the kids and their families not with the govt or with you, who, quite honestly, know nothing. Just like abortion. Take your boot off these kids’ necks. And the several “but I’m a leftist” commenters… well, congrats. You’re also s transphobe.
Being trans is not a choice. It is so sad that so many want to take away the human right for an trans person to live the life that is right for them because they feel threatened. Stats on regret are flawed and not credible. It’s a possible outcome that doesn’t pan out in reality and has no scientific basis. Instead, not allowing a trans person to live as they want has serious and life threatening results on their health. There is more than one way to live a full life and certainly more than one way to be a great parent, family member or friend to support our children. I hope you’ll listen and read with more curiosity vs judgement and be open to learning and expanding your mindset on how we create communities with safety and acceptance vs also thinking about the individual and trying to create fear around misunderstanding. I so appreciate this post and applaud the kids and their families for sharing so we can learn from their experiences.
Grace, You’re not showing compassion—you’re pathologizing trans kids and parroting panic. The prefrontal cortex line gets thrown around a lot, but somehow it never stops us from letting teens make other major decisions. Being trans isn’t “confusion,” and affirming care doesn’t force anyone to do anything—it gives them space to breathe. The sports argument? It’s been blown way out of proportion by media looking for outrage. Trans girls aren’t stealing scholarships—they’re trying to play the same games as everyone else, usually under way more scrutiny and with far fewer resources. And yes, some people detransition, and their stories are valid—but most don’t regret transitioning. What they regret is being treated like a political football or being forced into silence so their existence doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable. If you’re really concerned about harm, maybe start by listening to actual trans people—not just the scariest headlines.
So important…I really have been thrown realizing just how widespread this is. I have always been totally supportive of all trans issues, and really disgusted by the efforts being pushed by those currently in power to remove basic human right from the community. I just had absolutely no idea at the sheer numbers of trans people. Thanks to you and others, including the commenters here, I have been educated, and my convictions are that much stronger.
Thank you for reposting this! So much love for all the trans people! And what wonderful people they are! I live in the UK where they recently passed a horrible decision regarding trans women. It is deeply upsetting and is propelling me forward to boycott Harry Potter and the vile JK Rowling. What a horrible woman!
Thank you for this! We have a few trans kids in our extended family and there is definitely differing levels of love and acceptance. The MAGA (and “Christian”) part of the family sadly causes a lot of harm by their refusal to accept them and it does bleed into other parts of the family causing confusion, misgendering, and use of dead names to not upset the MAGA folks. The rest of us do our part to make sure the kids know we see them, use their chosen names even when the MAGA folks refuse to, stand up to harmful ideology, and let the kids know that we’re a safe space. It’s so sad and infuriating how much some people just cannot let people live their lives. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that you have the right to control it. Where is the humility, grace, open-mindedness, critical thinking, and love? (rhetorical question…)
“I’m just trying to be a person” “No biggie” Once again, I feel so hopeful that the kids are alright. Thank you so much for this. I’ve read 3x. I know times are hard, but we’ve gotta stay strong for these kids.
Fascinating. I had not read this before so was pleased to come across it and, yes, I would love a follow-up. CoJ can choose to post exactly what they wish and if it irks you, jog on. You can probably cope with a few seconds of irritation as you scroll through.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m a queer woman of color (who has been reading cupofjo for over a decade) currently clinging to the spaces of light. The public disownment of trans folx has been incredibly disheartening during a loud season of many disheartening hateful movements. The fear of a hard life for children has always been the story given to launder hate. This was the story of LGBTQ+ folx in the 90’s. I empathize with wanting the best for kids- and a world where people are embraced when they tell you who they are- I think that is a better kinder world for kids and adults. However they identify.
I have such a complicated relationship with this topic. As the favorite aunt of my nephew who transitioned in his early 20’s, I can honestly say it made complete sense for him. We always knew something was “off” but as soon as he told us it all clicked and made perfect sense. On the other hand, as the stepmom of a teen who is currently transitioning, it has been more complicated. With them it feels less authentic and more attention seeking and I’m not sure they understand the repercussions of their impulsive actions, though we support them and try very hard to understand all the complicated feelings they are feeling. I have always considered myself an ally but certainly the current situation has made me question my relationship with the trans community. I don’t think I’m a bad person, but I also want my stepchild to understand the gravity of their choices while simultaneously wanting them to find their happiness and their place. It’s been really hard. Please don’t hate me.
No one should hate you for being honest and real. You’ve experienced two different situations and have different perspectives — that’s just being human.
Your perspective is yours and there’s no need to defend! It IS a complex issue, far more than a blog post can cover. I know parents who have deeply grieved when their kids wanted to transition, and that doesn’t make them bad people/parents; it’s just the reality of something new and challenging. I can also imagine how many attention-seeking kids (like I was!) look at trans kids with a desire for that same amount of “specialness” which they can’t fully process with half-grown brains. All this complexity belongs in the conversation. Nobody hates you <3
Nobody is going to hate you for being concerned about your child; I think every parent has concerns about the direction their offspring decides to pursue. However, gender is a core component of a person’s overall identity and it isn’t your place to decide what is right or valid over another individual. Please take the time to figure out how best to support the young person in your life so that they can make the right decision for themselves. There are a number of wonderful resources created by actual trans people (so! important!) for parents and caregivers. As a teacher significantly with more openly trans students over 5-10 years ago, I also implore parents to remember that transitioning is not a point A to point B linear journey. While some individuals take on a full male-to-female or female-to-male transition, some young people might just need a supportive environment to explore what their gender identity might resemble and entail.
Hi Melanie! I don’t know what to add except that I certainly don’t hate you. It’s a really hard journey. The night my daughter came out as trans, my husband said, “okay! This is what she needs right now” and that sentence has helped me every step of the way. If things shift later on, so be it. But learning that your parents believe you, support you, and love you through all of it— that’s the goal. I’m not trying to convince you not to worry, just trying to share some tools that helped me.
I think it is so sad that you are almost scared to share your concerns here. It shows how black-and-white our society has become. Being trans is real, but so is being confused about who you are as a teenager and what community you belong to. I struggled with a similar issue in my early teens and hope your stepchild gets the right kind of guidance to figure out what the best path for them is at this point in their life.
Hi Melanie, Thanks for being so honest. I think, as long as your kiddo knows you’ll give them your love and support no matter what they are exploring, they’ll be just fine. Maybe they’ll decide they want to transition back? Maybe they’ll decide they are nonbinary and reject gender all together? If they feel safe exploring it with you, instead of around you, I bet they’ll more easily land on what feels right for them.
Melanie, thank you for pointing out how complex it is. As the mother of a trans young adult, who came out during adolescence, it’s been a highly tumultuous journey, and I have arrived at a similar position: supportive but with misgivings. E.E.’s advice to read resources developed by trans people makes me graon(I have!!) because the many ways to support transition doesn’t address all the issues a child/adolescent/young adult may be having. I wanted to share that my daughter’s psychiatrist (who is NOT anti-trans) has suggested that she has narcissistic personality disorder, and I have to say that the traits associated with this condition are definitely nurtured by aspects of the trans experience, such as the constant validation and acknowledgement that everything is a BIG DEAL and requires specific vigilance and special attention. I am in a position where I am concerned that by being supportive of transitioning (MTF) I have also enabled a kind of ongoing persepctive that her feelings are DIRE and CATASTROPHIC, that sometimes has really made me wonder what is best for her overall wellbeing, like just as a human being. After all these years, it is still such a huge source of DISTRESS (including years of blockers and hormones). It’s big such a rocky road that yes I do really wonder whether we are on the right path. And I have been told by people that the problem is me, that I am not accepting my daughter. That my doubts are “my issues” with trans people. This is not helpful. I know a mother in a similar situation and honestly when we meet, we just sit together and cry. I feel awful about sharing these feelings too because I am worried they will be exploited by the anti-trans side. It’s part of the isolation, and the polarization.
Hey Anita, Just wanted to send you some love. That sounds really hard. My daughter isn’t trans (that we know of), but she is autistic. The amount of judgement and infighting in the autism parent community is paralyzing and isolating. Honestly it makes navigating the gap between what my daughter needs and the way the world operates almost impossible. It can feel like there is no safe person to reach out to for guidance or support because how to intervene or not intervene with your non-typical kid is such a fraught topic. I long for nuance. I don’t have an answer for you, of course, but I’m sending you love – and nuance <3
Thank you <3
Thank you for reposting this. With the UK supreme court decision last week, I feel very disheartened for trans kids in the UK but also all around the world. What a message of hate we send them. Trans rights are in jeopardy everywhere and we should not let our guard down.
Acknowledging biological reality is not hatred. I believe trans women are trans women. They are their own beautiful category, but they are not the same as someone born a woman. Being a woman is not about wearing dresses or having a female-coded disposition. It’s about biology. No, I don’t hate trans people. I love them and believe should be free to live as they please. I am sad for the dysmorphia they feel in their bodies, and think their mental health should be addressed. It sucks to be called a bigot when I know in my heart I am not one. But what’s worse is having to pretend like you agree with a worldview you don’t hold.
I’m with you, Liz, from another British reader
And I’m with you Elsa. This is one cis woman seriously asking, what are you cis women so threatened by?
I’m a woman who strongly objects to the perspective that womanhood is a “feeling”. This negates female sex based oppression which feminists have been fighting against for years. I am not “cis”, I am simply a woman and no feelings are involved. Hope that helps SFlove
Thanks for your response Lizzie, I’m still confused by it. I am a cis woman and have plenty of feelings about it. So I don’t really get what you mean. If the problem is the patriarchy (I agree!), there are so many ways to fight that, I find it odd that people pick on people who suffer from gender inequality too, like trans women, wouldn’t we have more power if we included them in that very real fight?
I didn’t want to comment again under this article, because the children and parents featured are gorgeous and it did not seem the place for it. But SFLove, as you are asking, I want to explain my position. Women have been oppressed for millennia under the patriarchy not because of their gender identity, but because of their sex. The acceptance and discussion of gender identity is fairly recent and women have been treated poorly, unequally and violently for much longer. Women couldn’t vote because of their sex. In the UK 3 women a week are killed by their partner or ex partner because of their sex. Women are killed in “honour-based” practices because of their sex. Women are often paid less and given fewer professional opportunities because of their sex. Because of this, incredible women have fought hard for women’s rights and to have spaces and opportunities just for women, either to recover from male violence and oppression (refuges, rape crisis centres), to advance socially and professionally (female-only shortlists, campaigning for equal pay). These provisions are needed because women suffer under the patriarchy. To redefine the word “woman” as meaning NOT people who were born with a female body and were brought up being treated as female within the patriarchy but rather as a person of any biology who “feels like” a women is, I think, regressive and insulting. Women are not killed because they “feel like” a women. They are not treated poorly at work and at home because they “feel like” women. To suggest that is, I think, implying that women can identify out of their oppression. They cannot, and to imply they can weakens our cause and not a progressive stance if applied to any other oppressed class. I do not think transwomen are a threat to women – I think men are, and for women to fight for our rights we need to be able to define ourselves and create services where men are not present. This cannot be done if the definition of woman is so wide that anyone can identify into it. Essentially, these left wing men (my peers, usually!) who are campaigning for trans rights in this current context are campaigning for a world where they, as male bodied people, can use any facility for women. Odd. As transwomen don’t have female biology and have not had female socialisation, it has been deemed by the UK Supreme Court that they do not require the protection under the Equality Act which is reserved for women based on sex. The ruling pointed out that (thank god! Quite rightly!) they have specific protection based on their transgender identity. You are just going to have to take my word that I have nothing against transwomen, but there was a clash of rights here and the court has ruled that women and transwomen have separate protections under the equality act. I will always fight with trans people if I believe their rights are under threat.
@Elisabeth Egan, @Elisabeth Eganzie, @Robyn- genuinely curious. How do trans children personally affect your life? If the answer is “they don’t” – then maybe worry less about what you think is right or wrong, and let the kids live. It likely doesn’t have any bearing on your existence. And before you say “I don’t want trans woman in my bathrooms” or “sports scholarships are being taken away” – neither of these things are actually happening. They are chaotic headlines at best. If you’re really worried about assigned male at birth folks being in women’s bathrooms, then you have a problem with MEN.
Not sure why the tags in my post ended up that way – was trying to reply to Liz, Lizzie and Robyn! Sorry!
Thank you for sharing these kid’s voices and perspectives. I live in the UK where we have just had a Supreme Court decision about the definition of “woman” as a protected characteristic which has amplified challenging conversations but also aggressive and self serving voices. I understand that the logistics of transness in society are complicated, but I believe we should be attempting to address those complications with solutions, not with hate or fear or rejection, and it is so important to keep projecting trans voices both so that cis people like me can still hear them, and so that my trans students, existing in a climate of uncertainty, can hopefully keep feeling heard.
Thank you for reposting this. My son has been trans since he was 15 and, for me, it was instinctive to support him on that journey, wholly and without prejudice. To be his safe space in a world where there are fee of those. Even fewer now. The world is so very hostile to trans people and I am frightened for him every day. Thank you for amplifying their voices.
Thank you so much COJ for reposting this lovely article. I’m in Australia, and my14 year old has come out as trans in the last year or so. We have an amazing support system here and a fully funded Gender Clinic for adolescents – they offer information, counselling and paediatric support and access to puberty blockers and/or hormone treatment. We feel so lucky – and it makes me so proud to watch my teen navigate it all with such self awareness, strength and positivity. I’m so lucky to be their parent and I’m learning so much about myself in the process! Sending love and support to all the parents of trans kids in the U.S right now!!
My transgender kid told me recently, “being transgender is not the most interesting thing about me.” This struck me as it reminds me how authentic and natural he feels post-transition. I’m seen him bloom into a truer self than I imagined. It’s beautiful.
Thank you for the opportunity to read these words again. I hope these families are all doing well today. ❤️
If they’re up for it- it would be great to get an update on these kiddos! Hope they’re all living life to the fullest and thriving.
Decades ago i came across a documentary, late at night, on PBS. It was about transgender kids. I thought, huh. I don’t even know what I think about this. So I watched. It followed several kids and their families, told their stories. It didn’t take long for me to really get it. Oh. This is just another way to be human, but because we are a binary culture, it’s really tough. One story featured a kind that was accepted by even in their family, friends too, except their dad. Oof, my heart STILL hurts thinking about that child just wanting acceptance from their dad, and not getting it. I’ve often wondered if he changed his mind. I hope so. Back then I barely understood what transgender meant. By now we have a nephew, and my kids have several friends, lots of online friends have trans kids or partners. I worry so much for all of them right now. I know one who is leaving the country. They are just good and kind and normal people and they deserve normal and safe lives.
On behalf of my 11-year-old trans niece, thank you for this post! <3
there’s a tee shirt that keeps selling out called protect the dolls. I love it https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/18/style/protect-the-dolls-shirt-conner-ives.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Bk8.kG3f.67Osf2cWxlJr&smid=url-share
Gender norms hurt us all. I’ve been having this conversation with my cis male husband. All traits and interests fall on the spectrum between masculine and feminine and when we decide with our genitals what we’re allowed to enjoy and who we can be we crush our souls. The gender binary is a fools game and we would ALL be much happier if we allowed ourselves to like what we like and do what we enjoy without worrying if it matches our anatomy.
Tracey, good perspective!
Thank you for reposting this. I’m so proud of these kids and their parents for believing them and letting them bloom. I came out as nonbinary at 33 and then as a trans man at 36. I would give anything to have had the language to express what I was feeling when I was a kid (I knew I was a boy as far back as 4 years old) and transition at such a young age. But I grew up in a conservative family in Texas. Better late than never! I’m in awe of how wonderful my life has become over the past four years of my transition. I am no longer in contact with my parents, but I’ve never been closer with my sisters.
So happy for you Eliot!
Really heartened to see that the 2025 comments are all positive so far! All my love to our trans friends out there; we see you and we stand by you!
Thank you so much for that post. A few of my students are trans and did their transition at school (high school, in France) and I love that their classmates are always so supportive and correct very abruptly teachers who misgender. Our societies have changed and I am SO happy to witness that (born in the 70s).
Just thanks. Even as a 100% ally, I don’t know any trans kids personally (yet), so getting to know these 3 kiddos helps keep my heart open and reminds me about the people behind the headlines. Please keep using this amazing blog as a platform.
So lovely to hear these perspectives. I’d also be curious to hear from non-binary kids. I’m watching my 5 year old’s gender expression unfold and it has been fascinating. Their (lovely, amazing) teacher and I have both asked if it is OK to use certain pronouns and the response is ‘I’m a boy AND a girl so either (he or she) is OK’. As a fellow 5 yo declared – he is a girl!! I let my kid take the lead on what feels right to them from clothes to hair to not stepping in on what people call them if they don’t mind. That said I have to admit sometimes I want to know if one gender is ‘it’ so we can forge ahead with certainty – my kid is a trans girl! -my kid is a femme boy! But we just aren’t there, and one gender may never capture my child’s whole identity. I have to remind myself to just live in my desire for certainty and other people’s confusion because that is about us and not my 5 yo. We are lucky to live in an overall very supportive community and more will be revealed about this very cool kid I get to love.
You sounds like an amazing parent A B :)
I love this! Being comfortable living in uncertainty is so hard. But how amazing that your child sounds so confident and comfortable
This is so beautiful!
You are an incredible parent- the definition of unconditional love. Thank you for sharing. My hand to chest!
Thank you for using your platform to share these stories!!
As the mom of a trans kid (she’s 18 and headed to Canada for college because they don’t feel safe here) – Iran’s more than I can say that you would share these stories right now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart🥹. The comments are like the hug I didn’t know I needed. I flipped into dragon mode in early November, and reading these stories and through the comments has made me exhale for the first time in months.
Hey Nicole! I hope they have a beautiful college experience here with us! I just cast my vote in our federal election this afternoon. One of our major parties wants to roll back the recognition of gender identity, and I really hope they don’t succeed. Regardless of the outcome, may your kiddo find their people here and receive an amazing education.
We will open our arms to her in Canada! I hope that she has an amazing college (or university, as we call it here) experience. Canada is not perfect, but there are so many supportive communities and services here, to help welcome her to her new home!
Sat and Kate. Thank you!! We’ve been following the elections closely🤞❤️. She will be on Vancouver. And we are hopeful things will be okay I love to know there are Cup of Jo people looking out for each other everywhere.
My 20 year old daughter isn’t trans but she is queer—and is in her second year at a Canadian university. She feels much safer there, has found incredible community for the first time ever, and is thriving. Wishing the same for your kiddo!
Hi COJ team, readers & commenters, I want to say thank you: You are one of my main resources (besides news outlets, discussions with friends etc.) and hopes for the US. You make me understand that the current situation is truly madly deeply NOT what everybody wants and voted for. Thank you for showing me across the pond again and again that there are humans like you. Not only towards this specific topic but for all things & reasons worth living. I would not have the same view on the US without you. I cheer you on! Onwards & upwards!
And we’re just as frustrated and sad as you! Thank you Charlotte!
What a kind comment! In the midst of all the horror that so many of us are feeling, it’s also a terrible feeling to be lumped in with the Americans who did vote for this… So SO many of us don’t want this and have been voting/fighting against it for years. I appreciate you seeing that <3
I love this post and I loved it in 2021. If Violet, Zack, and Aya are open to it, would a followup interview be possible? I hope they are all doing well and would love to hear from them again.
Julie I was thinking the same thing. I’d love to hear from them again.
Thank you CoJ team <3
Love this! Thanks for reposting. Does anyone have any especially good resources for supporting trans kids and their rights during these precarious times?
I’m personally sending money to Lambda Legal and the ACLU since they are fighting so many lawsuits in behalf of trans kids right now. But honestly I think the best thing you can do is talk to people who might not understand or be fearful in some way. I have a trans teenager. We live a very red state. So with our good friend (a trans woman and her wife) we started an Instagram account to give people a safe place to ask anonymous questions. I think many people just don’t have proximity and don’t understand why the fear mongering, and anti trans laws are so so harmful. We are small but we’ve already seen so many hearts open, and as people share our questions and answers I hope we will be able to make a dent in our small corner of the world. You can find us at @curious._.hearts if you’d like.
Erin in the Morning (substack and Insta) has excellent of-the-moment content and suggestions for activism.
https://www.transanta.com/ is a mutual aid network where you can buy supplies for trans kids directly.
Once you know a trans child you know that their truth is the truth, my heart goes out to all of them, may they all feel validated and loved.
I took a trans ally workshop years ago and someone on the panel described wearing clothes and acting in ways that aren’t in alignment with how they felt inside felt like walking around with a big nail in their shoe. Once they started to dress how they wanted to, it felt like someone finally took the nail out.
That’s totally valid, but how do clothes relate to gender? Why can’t someone walk around in whatever they want to wear, cut their hair and do their makeup however they want, and still not be defined by their gender? When it’s put this way, being non-binary makes more sense than being trans.
Lora, if this is helpful, for my husband dressing the way he felt was a good first step toward feeling more comfortable. He tried to portray that he was a masculine lesbian, but something didn’t feel right. For him, his body was the breaking point. He could change his clothes, cut his hair, but the way he felt in his body was wrong. After he had too surgery he is a much happier person and feels joy when people correctly refer to him as “he”. I have found the experience to be very informative – largely because I have never felt the way about my body that he used to! I am very comfortable with the parts I was born with (and even love them). To me, that’s what most cis people don’t get – that we can’t take for granted how comfortable we feel in the bodies we were born into, because there’s a really hard flip side for trans people. Just one persons experience, obviously can’t speak for others.
Someone I know (a FORMER friend) posted on Facebook (regarding transgender) about men PRETENDING to be women. I can’t even explain how angry and offended I was by such a comment. I have no idea what being trans is like … I can’t imagine the complexity of of emotions and courage (yes, I’m pretty sure lots of courage) it takes to speak publicly about being trans. I pray that someday we will live in a world where everyone is welcome, where everyone is comfortable with everyone else. After all, we are ALL HUMAN!
Please look up autogynephilia and get educated. There is a very key layer you are missing in this.
Portia – that is so far off the mark, I don’t even know where to begin. Sexual inclination is not even close to the main reason why people transition.
Thank you for sharing these children’s perspectives. I really appreciated reading this.
I loved this post in 2021 and I love it even more now, in this moment. Thanks, Jo and team, for this choice.
I think I’ve only commented on COJ one other time…but this post changed my view when it first came out. I’ve always supported people living their lives in a way that feels true to themselves, but before this post, deep down I secretly thought that being trans came from some past trauma a person experienced. I remember feeling completely shocked to read the thoughts of such young children knowing so intuitively and deeply who they were. This is one of those posts I randomly think about every now and then—it really altered how sure I was that I had the world all figured out
I love this!
Good for you Jean for being open to learning and changing your opinion. That’s what we need in the world!
Yes, Jean! You’re amazing!
Thank you for keeping an open mind, Jean!
Jean, this warms my heart. It means a lot to hear that people are open to letting stories of trans kids change their perspective.
Appreciate that this topic is more relevant now than ever, but recycling old content just seems lazy to me. Why not cover this in a new way with a new post? Truly a pet peeve of mine
I never saw this post and that is the case for many. Plus, sometimes one needs to hear things, again, in different time and place to “get” it. Anything that helps even one person begin to understand how challenging life is for someone who is transgender is worth repeating. I feel strongly about this especially now that so many in this country have decided that they know better than the actual human being experiencing this truly tough situation (so many families do terrible things to their children who are trans) about what is what. As I have said to friends over the years, “Hey. I know I’m a straight female and it has its own challenges. I can’t imagine being in this body and NOTHING feels right about it. ” We as a society, especially now when hate against transgender is encouraged and tolerated (!!!), must try to understand, accept and support those of any age in this situation. I recently read a comment by a woman who was raised on a farm and said something to the effect that anyone who believes there are only two genders should spend time on a farm and they would see how that is not true.” I am sick of the judgment and hatred and intolerance and violence towards LGBTQ in general and transgender in particular. NOT OUR BUSINESS. It’s not like people are forcing people to make a transition. In fact, it’s the opposite: People not allowing them to choose how they want to live and who they are. Why is it anyone else’s business? Seriously.
That the original post–which contained thoughtful interviews with multiple incredible children–is “more relevant than ever,” to borrow your phrasing, makes it all the more relevant for a repost. If only this post could be viewed as a historical snapshot of the times “before.” Sometimes classics are just that and republishing serves multiple purposes: to draw attention back to a piece of excellent, evergreen writing, as well as to highlight the continued relevance of the topic. Publishing an award-winning daily blog for 15+ years, free of paywalls, is the antithesis of lazy. It is a remarkable achievement that Joanna and team continuously produce insightful, original posts which engage such a large readership. While you are by no means obligated to read and agree with every post, I should think it reasonable to expect readers keeping the conversation productive and courteous to the team who writes this content for us free of charge. In short, your comment was not neccesary.
This is a free and optional website.
Seems a bit unfair, doesn’t it? You are reading a free blog and you complain about one instance of re-posting (it’s still an important post, especially right now where once again the lives of trans people are being marginalized)? I hope your day gets better.
CoJ keychain with ANTITHESIS OF LAZY, please. ;) (And totally agree.)
We cannot make demands as we don’t pay for this content. I’m just grateful that they keep it up despite the launch of Big Salad.
I’m surprised by the ungenerous responses. First of all, COJ is a business (as it should be!), not charity work. So all this stuff about being grateful for the free content is a bit much. Secondly, I’ve never claimed to be a content creator/blogger/anyone who should be writing about this. I’m just a reader who prefers fresh/new/current stories rather than recycled ones and I don’t think that’s that outlandish considering multiple others have asked for an update on these three brave kids. I’m surprised you all are so keen to dogpile on such a mildly critical comment. Yikes!
Thanks for your note, Evie! We sometimes republish much older posts when it feels relevant and useful, probably once a year, recognizing that lots of people won’t have seen it the first time around. But don’t worry, lots of new content coming up. I’m about push a new post live in 3 minutes :) Thank you!
Evie- I think the “yikes” at the end of your reply is how the other commenters felt in response to the wording you used: “just seems lazy to me” and “truly a pet peeve of mine”. Neither of those statements demonstrates grace and actually makes it seem like you were harmed by someone’s actions – and I’m not really a manners/polite person. Why not say “I would have loved an update to add on to the former post.”?
I’m surprised you’re surprised by others’ reaction to your comment, Evie. While other posters expressed interest and enthusiasm for an update, you offered judgement by saying that recycling the post seemed “lazy”. The vast majority of CoJ’s *daily*, thoughtful, labor intensive content is new. So yeah, complaining about a (really great) recycled post (and doubling down on that criticism) seems bizarre to me.
I don’t really have anything to add. Trans people exist and will continue to exist regardless of anyone else’s opinions or actions. I know a trans adult and two trans kids. They are just like you and me. I love them the same as I would love anyone else. And why wouldn’t I? For those who wish to diminish them, or make their lives more difficult than they already are – ask yourself, why? How do trans people impact your life? Chances are they don’t. Don’t anti-trans folks have better things to worry about?
THIS, thank you!
As parents, educators, law makers, and society at large we do not possess the power to turn a trans child cis, nor a cis child trans. We do however, have the power to create a space for our children (trans and cis) to live openly and fully- and appreciative of the great diversity of the human experience, or the power to teach them to hide and hate pieces of themselves (and others) in order to be safe, loved, whole. What are you teaching the kids in your community?
So much love for transpeople everywhere. Thanks for this post.
Out of the mouth of babes, they spoke their truth and know who they are! All of them mention being surrounded by supportive people/family with a few outliers who fail to see who they are at all! Which I think is true in the real world as those that make a big fuss about trans people are the outliers not the norm that I can see. To these three lovely children keep living your truth!
A few months before my grandma died in 2018 we were up late talking about transgender kids. She was 93. She explained that she knew kids like to experiment and go through phases and some kids are a little different, but that she didn’t believe anyone was truly transgender. She expressed frustration about parents enabling children to behave certain ways. It was a calm conversation. I’m terrible with speaking my mind (I always come on too righteous and passionate) so I mostly stayed quiet and listened. I remembered a similar post on COJ (My Child is Transgender) and emailed it in a link to my grandma. It literally changed her mind. It gave her a perspective that changed how she saw everything. She wrote back thanking me. I think about it all the time. Thank you for these important conversations. You have a powerful talent for warm, open, and honest communication.
I love this, Hali! Not quite the same, but when my cousin came out as gay, my (very kind, but Conservative Catholic) grandparents said he “hadn’t met the right woman yet”. All of the cousins spent a lot of time trying to explain, and when my cousin got married to his now-husband, my grandparents proudly walked down the aisle. It can happen!
This is so wonderful. I’m so glad you were able to share something with her that she was receptive to, and that she could allow her mind to change
Tears!!! Beautiful and hopeful.
<3 Thanks for sharing this!
The best! Thank you for resharing and thank you for these kids for sharing their stories.
Thank you!! Since you first published this, my sibling has come out as nonbinary and it means so much more reading it now.
Thank you for this! There are so many people in this world who need to sit down with trans kids and just listen.
thank you cup of jo for walking the talk. appreciate the way you unflinchingly show up for different communities. signed, the wife of a trans guy who is so happy and whole now that he can live as his true self
I pray that the next Pope opens his heart with as much love and compassion for human rights (of all stripes) as much if not more than the magnificent Pope we just lost. A man who listened to differences with love. Pope Francis took a stand, stayed curious and shared his humanity in ways that touched even those still conflicted and judgmental over others life choices they found too difficult to understand . I pray we all benefit from his Village-wisdom and hold fast to this beacon of light.
Truly an admirable leader <3 His care for the environment was also so inspiring.
The lead image of this post is such perfection. A kid is a kid is a kid. Love for all trans folks everywhere <3
THANK YOU! And I echo the others, we need a “where are they now” post!
A more recent interview with these children – a “where are they now” post – might be helpful in addressing some of the concerns and controversies reflected throughout these comments, and would give a broader perspective on the experience of these children.
Thank you thank you, for re-sharing this post and for publishing it originally, and for all the work you are doing make equality and respect at the heart of CoJ.
Oh my thank you