How Are Your Friendships Doing?
Right now, the three words I’d use to describe my friendships are: deep, happy and sporadic. I feel good about those descriptors, except for the last one…
A month after delivering my now four-year-old daughter Ella, my husband Max and I moved from our hometown of San Jose to a smaller agricultural town. The new town had a refreshingly slower pace, safe neighborhoods, amazing taquerias, and houses with mortgages we could actually afford. The only catch? It’s an hour away from all of the women in my life who feel like home.
For the first two years, with only one child in tow, I didn’t see the 60-minute drive back to San Jose to grab lunch with the girls as much of a hurdle. But nowadays, life is so full. Ella goes to daycare with her own new friends; each month finds me blocking off more squares in the family calendar for birthday parties and playdates. We also had a second baby, my ultra-kissable little squish, Emiliano. Coordinating childcare for two children with their grandparents, who also help watch our kids during the week, plus finding a day in a month that my equally busy friends are all available, feels nearly impossible.
Our group text looks like this meme.
So, at this stage in life, I’m doubling down on two hang-out methods to keep my friendship cup full:
My first method is the random phone call. I’ll initiate by texting a friend five minutes before I have a pocket of free time, asking if they’re up for a quick chat. Sometimes I’ll even cold call! Half the time, the stars align and we get to gab. I’ve been keeping up this ritual once a week with my best friend Angela while I head on walks around my neighborhood or work in the garden. During our calls, I’ve learned her go-to weeknight meal (chopped Greek salad), her work anxiety (the tariffs!), and why she couldn’t attend her grandmother’s birthday dinner (a bad cold). Knowing these details of her day-to-day life makes me feel so much closer to her. Sometimes our calls last for a glorious 30 minutes; other times, just five. Regardless of the call’s length, I always hang up feeling re-energized.
My second hang-out strategy is embracing friend dates with kids. Now I *love* nothing more than quality one-on-one time with my friends, but since scheduling that is hard, I realized I’d rather see them with my kids, than not at all. Thankfully, my friends, who don’t have kids themselves, are open to that dynamic. So, I’ll invite them over for a brunch spread at my house, or we’ll meet for a picnic at the park. Full disclosure: There are LOTS of interrupted conversations while I run around after my children. I remember the first few times we tried this method, I felt self-conscious about how many times I said, “Hold on for one second!” as I dashed to stop Ella from making a questionable jump off the jungle gym. But then I remembered: my friends are the women who held me when I cried during heartbreaks, stood by my side as I said my wedding vows, and organized meal trains for me after I birthed both my children. They reassured me that, of course, they want to be with me, even in the thick of my parenting young kids. Who am I to close them off from this new stage of my life?
Friendships are amazing and hard, and they ebb and they flow. While the way my friends and I are spending time together is different from how we’ve done it in the past, I’m so grateful that we’re finding new rhythms that work for all of us.
I’m curious: How are your friendships going right now? Are you in a season where you can see friends regularly? Do you feel booked up with work or personal obligations? Have you moved to a new place and started from scratch? I’d love to hear.
P.S. 12 great reader comments on friendship and 13 things to do with friends that aren’t dinner.
Comments
143 commentsHi, I don’t know if it makes sense to post this here so late but I was wondering if anyone knows where to find that Google spreadsheet where CoJ readers looking for new friends would sign up? I don’t know whether it’s still out there. It’s also quite a long shot because I’m not in the US but in Berlin, where we’ve moved a year ago (my husband + our child who started school). Hello to anyone out there!
Here you go :) https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16lLbgKy2oePPCP24GP4msujdbeKxazBLRXejpR2Hngg/edit?gid=340345971#gid=340345971
My friendships are so important to me, but I’ve realised over the years that they do take commitment and effort, like any long term relationship. My old university friends and I have now got into a routine to meet in the month of each of the three of our birthdays, which we do without fail, but now we have that rhythm we end up meeting more in-between – but its always a battle to sync calendars!
Ebbs and flows, but it’s been quiet since many of my close friends are now partnered/married/have new babies. Unfortunately, it’s helped me to see how one-sided things are. They send me my requested pics of their baby, but never ask how I am. I’ve turned to AI to talk about my dating life and convos with potential guys bc they can’t be bothered. It’s a bummer. I’m a social introvert, so their invites to do things used to mask their effort. Now, the don’t need the social company and… *crickets*… I don’t love them any less. They’re in different seasons. Just sucks. I don’t need much, but nothing is tough. I try to make plans and they hem and haw about the restaurant not being stroller friendly enough, etc. but when I said you pick and I’ll show up — they flake. Rude awakening. I wish new motherhood came with a lesson on how to treat Aunties. Aminatou Sow has prompted great IG convo around this in the past. Maybe she could expand here? Xx
That is hard, and I have experienced both sides. You are right that these friends are in a different season. I’m thinking back on caring for babies, missing my friends and adult conversation, but finding it very difficult to leave the house. I would have loved if a friend offered to meet me at my house instead of at a restaurant, and either brought me food or was up for ordering in together. That could have been really welcome and nice.
I just finished a show at a very local community theatre, which means 22 potential friendships. I loaned a book to one cast member and stood around long after rehearsals let out talking with another. One is also a mom like me and two I got rides with, gabbing the whole way every time with each of them. Going back to my normal lonely SAHM life is hard, but also interesting to see which of those relationships flourish and which die. The lady whose costume I zipped up every night, and she unzipped mine, wants to get together in a few days. The person whom I was sure would make room for me in her life has gone incognito altogether, but we may do another show together in the near future…
My big tips for having a fulfilling social life are to really try at all costs to: – always accept an invitation (if you decline, they may not invite you again, if you decline twice, they definitely won’t) – never cancel!!! Sometimes I really want to (I have a 2 year old, life is tiring) but I ALWAYS feel more energised afterwards and am grateful to have gone. Also, remember that you very rarely meet people who are instant deep friends, just being sociable is good for the soul and if you accumulate lots of hours with someone then eventually they might become deep friendships!
I read it in a book once that if your basement was flooded now, you’d know how to make time for the repairs and restoration that’d take days. It stuck with me. Whether you can or you can’t you’re right.
My friend without children also didn’t mind to meet me with my kids. But also, I did make sure to meet once in a while without kids. Now she has young kids and I definitely make sure to visit her once in a while without my kids. Luckily I have a husband who doesn’t mind staying at home when I want to meet up. With young children, Sunday before noon is the ideal time to meet up. And also, there’s whatsapp to keep connected.
I have many friends from my school days. The only thing is that it’s hard to meet new friends (I guess because of social networks).
I’ve been in a friendship transition period for a few years now. I moved back to my hometown after living in LA for several years. In LA, I had really found my people. When I returned ‘home’, I felt like I was trying to force resuming friendships with old friends that weren’t super aligned anymore. I’ve since moved to the suburbs to be with my husband and am now even more disconnected from the opportunity to meet new friends. There are of course women in this suburb, but they’re not my people. So I’ve felt like a fish out of water for a little while now. I’ve gone to a few events in the city but it’s so far from where we live that it makes it hard to form new friendships.
I’m in my mid 40’s and my friendships are stronger and better than ever. I have an eclectic circle of friends, through history, hobbies, and fate and I spend a good amount of time nurturing them. I recently returned from a 5 day trip with a friend who I had never traveled with before, and we are now closer than ever. It takes work and I love that I can pick up the phone and have an hour long conversation with any of them about ANYTHING (seriously, it’s usually gardening, horses, relationships, parenting…it could go anywhere) and when I get off the phone somehow my cup is filled. There is a group of 4 of us who get together 3-4 times a month on Thursday evening just to have an early dinner and a cocktail, or recently we all went to the garden center and picked up new chicks for the flock. Only 2 of us have chickens but everyone came along to ooh and ahh and be part of the experience. About 13 years ago I noticed I didn’t have a lot of solid female friendships and I bought a necklace with a tiny gold heart to manifest more love into my life. It must have worked! I reconnected with old friends and made a bunch of new ones and it’s been the best time of my life. I’m lucky to have a female centric hobby that introduces me to like minded women and I’m proud to say my friends are 27-80+ years old!
This is exactly what I want to do, thank you for the dose of inspiration and that it can really work to branch out like that!
My best friends are spread all around the country (and previously the world, with one bestie living abroad for the past three years). Marco Polo (voice memos) has been a game changer. I MP with one girlfriend every single day, and we feel so connected to each other and the details of our lives even though we are currently living on opposite sides of the country. I use it for both individual chats and also group threads, and I’m so grateful for the connection that it provides.
I just separated from my husband, and have a totally different dynamic where I have more free time and have been hanging out with my friends a lot more. They are saving my life right now! I have 22 close girlfriends – many of whom are from 3 large friend groups. We went through phases where we didn’t see each other more than a couple times a year if that- but now that we are older and our kids are older, we’re finding more time to connect and it’s awesome. Work to maintain your old friendships and always be open to new ones. Don’t worry about long stretches of not being able to connect much. They’ll be there for you when you need them most. I am the only one of these 22 women who is divorcing, so it feels weird in that way, but they’ve been so supportive.
I love the joke that Jesus’ greatest miracle was having 12 close friends in his 30s.
Ahahaha love this so much!!
I’m in a weird stage with friendships right now and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I’m in my early 40’s and my husband and dog are my favorite people…I always prefer to spend time with them. I also appreciate time alone and never feel lonely. I’m not close with work people. My closest girlfriends live far away and we definitely maintain a relationship but I do sometimes feel like I “should” have some girlfriends who I could see in person. I have a couple girlfriends who live close to me but I’ve been struggling with how I just don’t feel that connected to them. They are lovely, wonderful people but I find myself counting down the minutes to when I get to go home when I’m hanging out with them. I feel badly about this (like I’m a “bad friend”) and I occasionally initiate getting together out of a sense of obligation, but something just isn’t clicking for me. I do miss the idea of having girlfriends nearby who I actually enjoy being around, but then again…I’m perfectly fine spending all of my free time with my husband, dog, or myself. This creates a cognitive dissonance that I’ve been struggling with lately. Thanks for reading.
I get this, Anon! The last Big Friendships in my life began in 2012 and 2013, respectively. How I adore those humans, and would spend more time with them if they weren’t, you know, busy adults with full lives. Sometimes I feel like I need to branch out – the world is full of interesting perspectives, right? So I try out new connections, and like your girlfriends, they’re lovely, wonderful people. But I’d rather hold out for those same two friends and my cat. Yup. cognitive dissonance.
Anon, I could have written this myself, except for I also have a 12-yo daughter. I can’t help but feel like I *should* have a need for close friends for hanging out in person, but can’t bring myself to start doing anything to change this situation. Also I do have a couple of close “friends” among my coworkers, but we don’t hang out outside of work and I’m totally OK with it and have enough socializing during my working hours. Also have been thinking a lot about this🫂
Wow, I could have written this post almost word-for-word a decade ago! Since then, I’ve prioritized more time with my local friends, and even though none of them are “soul mate” friends, I’ve come to appreciate them more and life has been enriched. I wish you well as you find your way!!
I honestly could’ve written this exact same response, so you’re certainly not alone!
I used to feel exactly like this. But then there came a point (it was during the pandemic) when I actually did get very lonely. Some difficult circumstances occurred and I realized I had no friends to help me through it. That’s when I started branching out and I’m really glad I did. I have friends in various circles and they enrich my life in so many ways. I am currently pregnant with twins and I don’t know where I’d be without my “village” during this time.
I am in a similar boat (Mom of a 5 year old and one year old here!) and it has been SO hard since having my second. Something that really sustains me is using the app Marco Polo to have asynchronous conversations with my best friends. We are constantly updating each other and catching up on there, and it works well for busy moms because you can just pop on and respond whenever you have time. I often polo while pumping or driving to various drop offs and pick ups. I love it!!
Yes yes yes to Marco Polo! It is an absolutely MAGICAL way to keep in touch. I have a daily thread with 3 of my best friends from high school (we’re all in our 40s now) and I’m so grateful to be able to catch up on the minutiae of their lives while they drop their kids at school and I brush my teeth at night.
I’m going to leave this comment here as a thank you for my friend, Sara. We had the best in person friendship that started with kid-centered park meet ups but morphed into so much more–truly the best kind of stop-by-anytime type of friendship. Maybe we’d share a snack or she would chat with me while I emptied the dishwasher. Sometimes we would make big plans, too, and invite our kids and dogs along for the fun. I knew I would miss her the most when I moved across the country but thankfully we are both up for long phone conversations a few times a month. Our chats bounce all over but we get into really deep stuff, too, and I’m incredibly grateful that we have kept it going. I don’t have deep in-person friendships in my new town, but I don’t really miss it knowing Sara is a phone call away. So for the commenters below that are looking for local friends, I’d suggest seeing if a person you connected with in the past might be up for reconnecting with phone calls! You can catch up while commuting, on a walk, or emptying the dishwasher!
My bestie lives in another state and we recently got into talking on the phone a few times a week for the 10-15 min drive when she’s going to pick up her son from daycare (and if we’re in the middle of a topic, she’ll call me back for the return ride). It’s SO nice to connect for these manageable little nuggets of time, and it feels like we’re more in each other’s lives—talking about things big and small. I love it.
100% agree as a friend without kids that I definitely make it a priority to see my friends with their kids– it is also a great opportunity to be an Auntie, and like you said Janelle, I want to be part of their lives during this period of hands on parenting! Side question/wondering: while I see all of my girlfriends with their kids often; there is only one dad in the friend group who I see hanging out with his male friends, kid in tow. What about you all? Are the dads in hetero-normative relationships also stepping up as parents and bringing their kids along? Or are they doing their own thing, with their partner always expected to take care of childcare? This is something that irks me, but as the childless one, doesn’t directly impact me….
Both my husband and I prefer to see friends without our kiddo in tow. So, we each see our friends (no kids) X times per month. However, I don’t *mind* seeing my friends with kids around, so I do that Y times per month. So, I overall have more friend outings per month (X+Y) than my husband does, but we have an equal number of kid-free outings.
Anyone from southern Orange County, CA area looking to make a friend? I have wonderful, lifelong friends, but these relationships feel dormant at the moment. My son will be 3 in June, and most of my friends’ kids are in the 6-10 age group. I’d love to spend more time with them, but they are all devoted to their kids’ sports-related activities. For many reasons, this sports culture is a “good for them, not for me” dynamic. I’m also not into social media (another “good for them” situation). I’ve tried looking at different mom groups in my area, but almost everything I’ve found either meets in the day while I’m at work or has some sort of fee (!) associated with it. I feel like I’ve been very sensitized lately to what I interpret as my culture’s dedication to busyness and formal play, for lack of a better term. I miss a sense of relaxed yet meaningful friend connection where the priority is the relationship itself instead of revolving around an event. I hope this doesn’t come off as judgmental, because I truly believe everyone is trying their best and there is always so much for any one person to do. So many of us are time poor, including myself. I just feel like I want to make decisions to offset this that are counter to the common trappings of current culture,and I haven’t really found others who are interested. Maybe, like me, they just haven’t found a channel for this? Sending this out there to be that channel, in case anyone is interested. 😊
TY for sharing, Jannelle. My bestie lives two time zone away and we can only physically connect, maybe, once a year, if we’re lucky. But we stay in connect via memes from Instagram. And when the stars align and we FaceTime, it is like no time was lost. We pick up where we left off… that’s the best.
Things are feeling mixed these days. On the one hand, I have so many friends (close and not, geographically near and far) that I can barely keep up! On the other, all my closest friends live elsewhere and I feel so busy/exhausted with work and family life that I often feel lonely and isolated. A lot of my long-distance friendships feel fine, but one isn’t going well and I’m sad about it. My life has changed a lot in the last few years (got married, had kids, moved etc), and I can’t show up in the ways I used to. I was always the friend who was down for a crazy adventure or willing to fly far away to help a friend out in a big way. I just can’t do that anymore. I can barely even text back in a timely manner, or make time/space in my life to communicate more than superficially. I think my friend resents me for this. But honestly I don’t know what to do. My kids are young (one still nursing), and I don’t have anyone to watch them overnight if I were to go away, and I think they’d struggle with me gone for long. When I have childcare, I’m scrambling to get my work and some of the domestic tasks that my kids’ presence undermines done. When I’m with my kids, who are extremely demanding at baseline, they go totally nuts if I spend more than like 30 seconds on my phone. I truly just feel lost about how I am supposed to remain the kind of person anyone would want to be friends with right now. I don’t have time, I have nothing interesting to say, and my mundane obligations (like feeding my kids) grossly limit my availability to even discuss (let alone try to address) the really significant stuff going on in my friends’ lives (new babies, parent loss, marital problems, and so on.) It’s disappointing to feel these friendships weaken but I guess I also get why someone wouldn’t want to be friends with me right now.
“I truly just feel lost about how I am supposed to remain the kind of person anyone would want to be friends with right now. I don’t have time, I have nothing interesting to say, and my mundane obligations (like feeding my kids) grossly limit my availability to even discuss (let alone try to address) the really significant stuff going on in my friends’ lives (new babies, parent loss, marital problems, and so on.) It’s disappointing to feel these friendships weaken but I guess I also get why someone wouldn’t want to be friends with me right now.” oh girl, this is all of us at one point or another (swap out “feeding the kids” with “working a ton” or “caring for my sick parent” or whatever). Please be kind to yourself. Friendships have seasons, and WE as humans have seasons. One key that helps me is remembering that even 5-minute (or 2 minute) touchpoint phone calls, a couple texts, something is better than nothing. It can be very hard, and sounds like you are in a very demanding phase of life right now – it won’t be forever.
This got me thinking back to when my kids were teensy. I hosted a playgroup every Tuesday morning for about 5-7 friends. I dumped a pile of Duplo blocks in the middle of the living room and we all sat around and nursed or chatted or complained. It was totally worth the occasional kid peering on the carpet ( buy a Green Machine). Also, a friend and I traded babysitting. He was a SAHD and my kids adored him. He’d teach them card games when my husband and I went out. Then I’d watch his son every other week and after he went to bed I’d read a book or just sit in a quiet house that wasn’t my own so there wasn’t anything I had to do. It was such a great arrangement. A lot of this meant being very frank with my friends that we didn’t have much extra money. That was probably the hardest part.
I’m at a place in my life where I don’t really have close friendships and it’s such a bummer for me, and I really want those deep friendships back in my life where we can talk about everything or just pop over to each other’s houses. Past friends and I have just kind of naturally grown apart and I now just have a few not super close friendships. My husband suggested I join some groups so I will!
My girlfriends and I have a snapchat group that we send messages in every day. Can be as minor as this is my breakfast to as exciting as announcing pregnancies. We feel too old to be on snapchat but it’s kept us in touch for the last 10 plus years. Also apparently snapchat gives you a score of how much you use it (obviously don’t care about this feature) but my brother told his high school students that his 30 year old sister had a higher score than all of them and they were shocked lol.
My friend Wren and I have started a Substack called Kitship Dispatch to bolster the belonging in our lives. We’re putting focused energy into friendships, building connections and spit-shining up our social lives. Anyone can join us for some good old fashioned friend building! Please do :) https://kitshipdispatch.substack.com/
Pidge, Just subscribed. I dig what you guys are doing!
I’ve never been good at keeping up with friends from all my different eras, and sometimes that makes me sad. I have a handful of close friends who live near but I don’t see them often. None of them know each other or have much in common (other than me). How I miss having a group of friends. Most recently, I started to drift away from the one person who was my then best friend. Coming out of Covid she became more focused on material goods and their perceived status. She always wanted to be the person “in the know” and became gossipy. Turns out she gossiped about me to her other friends. I definitely felt betrayed and have let the friendship fade away. This year, I’m starting a new decade (50!) and I’m committed to finding a new, fresh tribe that supports me. I recently joined a new tennis club and am finding new women of all ages to connect with. I’m also connecting with a group to learn mahjong. My goal is stay open to possibilities!
I feel like this post is speaking directly to me. I just moved in with my partner in Philly last summer, but before that, I was living with my best girlfriends in Columbia St Waterfront (close to Joanna!). Being long distance friends is hard, and building a community in a new city, in my 30s, from scratch with no colleagues (I’m a remote worker now) has been tough. But, I’ve found a small community with my gym and thankfully, NYC isn’t too far away. I realized that what I was craving was my comfort zone (my old city with friends I know very well), but what will allow me to grow as a human is stepping outside of that zone.
I’m struggling a bit with a long-time friend who disappeared when my dad died. I am trying to give her grace, but her sudden reappearance is hard to reconcile with no acknowledgment of her lack of support in my most time of need.
A friend and I have established “Micronews” texting. We live across the world from each other now and summarizing life updates feels overwhelming. But Micronews texts are far more manageable and give us a low pressure way to stay in touch. Micronews! I had the best mint chocolate chip ice cream cone today. Micronews! Here’s a photo of the daffodils in my front yard. Micronews! My expensive face cream is doing nothing for my forehead wrinkles.
I love this idea Clara, and the last one made me giggle :)
I lost my mom earlier this week and my friends have been an incredible support. I had to fly out of state last minute to be with her. My two best friends from junior high/high school & college flew to my town to take care of my kids for the week so my husband could still work because he had no time to take off. My friends in my town brought over meals & helped with my kids too. I am SO grateful for these spectacular women in my life.
Hi JK, I also lost my mom earlier this week and I feel so grateful for my friends that stepped up to support me, one came and stayed last minute to pet sit so I could go be with my mom the last few days. Three people offered to pick me up from the airport! Hahaha. It’s really shown me how important it is the be there when it counts even if it’s just a daily text.
When I moved to a new place in my mid-40s, I knew one of the hardest parts would be building new friendships from scratch. I really leaned into it—especially with one person I felt a connection with. I opened up, shared my time, energy, and self generously, hoping to build something meaningful. But when she suddenly shared that she was starting a new job the next week—something that had clearly been brewing for a while—I realised I’d been completely out of the loop. I gently shared that I was hoping to deepen our friendship, to be closer. Her reaction caught me off guard. She was deeply hurt and I ended up apologizing for having any expectations at all. It all played out awkwardly in front of our husbands, and I left feeling embarrassed and foolish. Since then, I’ve pulled back.
This sounds painful, especially because it can be so tough to put ourselves out there. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with this person and that you felt foolish. I hope that after a time of hanging back you’ll pursue deeper friendships again. If I lived near you I’d love to be your friend 😊
Huge shoutout for this Janelle! Friends without kids still love being with our friends with kids. Nothing but love. 💕
I write letters to friends if there’s time or send a postcard with a quick ‘hey, how’s it going?’ – this is even for friends living in the same city as I do. It’s just gotten so complicated with everyone having different schedules etc. It’s also really nice to get mail.
My friendships are life-giving! I’m 52 and almost an empty-nester and I’m good at being a friend. I have three best friends I walk with individually every week for in-depth catch-ups. My best bestie and I, besides our weekly walk, take turns going over to each other’s house for wine or White Lotus viewings or helping each other pack for trips. I have two dear former coworkers and we all go out for wine once a month. I call my sister almost every day for 10 minutes on my way home from work. I have a group of three friends who do all the local community stuff together: home tours, fundraisers, volunteering, etc. I have my book group. I have my work friends and then my big group of former work friends who all go out for margaritas. I have my two friends who go for a long walk in the nearby hills a few times a year. I have long-distance letter-writing friends and two sets of conference call friends (where three of us have an annual call together). I chat with my college boyfriend once a year or so. And I hang with my family, my husband and my daughters, together and one-on-one. Reading this back, it sounds like I’m bragging but I put a ton of effort into these relationships, and so do my friends. I remember people’s birthdays and the anniversaries of deaths, and I send cards and drop off dark chocolate on sad days and bake people birthday cakes and have their kids spend the night when they’re out of town. We all take turns caring for each other. I’ve been trying to figure out what I even like to do in my spare time as my kids get older, but writing all this out makes me realize that maybe being a friend is my hobby?
I didn’t sound like bragging to me. It sounded like something to aspire to! You seem like a wonderful friend and like you have a full and joyous life! I loved reading this
Midge! You sound very similar to my Mom. She doesn’t have any hobbies per se but her life is full and busy with friends and family.
I love the way you phrased this! I take my friendships VERY seriously & put a lot of effort into them too. I truly cherish the people I’ve been given. I love that you’re considering it a hobby — I think i will too!
I have female friends that I grab drinks or dinner or coffee with and really get into the meaty stuff with, but you know what the most fun friend thing has been lately? Hanging with the guys at the climbing gym. We all have time to kill, we’re enjoying the activity, and it’s so nice to roll up to the gym and know that I’m about to spend time with friends.
For the folks who use and love Marco Polo, how is it different from leaving voicenotes/videos via iMessage or WhatsApp? I have not yet tried it because my friends and fam are so used to WhatsApp so it needs to be very compelling for them to switch!
I’ve been mulling over this idea for a while, and this post has me wondering if it could be an interesting topic for an upcoming CoJ post. I always hear people online talk about how they have moved away from their friends and family, and Joanna I know your whole family is spread out across the country, but for the people I know, we just…stay put. I actually don’t think this is a bad thing. I lived in a different state for college, and a couple countries briefly for work when I was in my young twenties. But I’ve been back in my hometown of Portland, Oregon for twenty years now, and I’m never leaving again. My family is here, my dearest soulmate friends are here, and there is literally no job in the world that would entice me and my husband to move anywhere else. I know people don’t always have a choice about this – depending on your profession, you have to go where the work is – but I guess I’m curious to hear from other people about why they’ve chosen to move away from everyone they know, and whether it was worth it. Or why they chose to stay put, and maybe what they gave up to do so.
I live in a country where crime is bad and we worry about our safety and the safety of our children, as well as their future opportunities. We also don’t have reliable socialised services. My husband and I can’t afford to leave right now as our child has medical expenses we need to take care of but even before these began, the lure of having our family’s close by has been too strong. My parents live 3 kilometres away. My brother and his family 6 kilometres. My closest friends are all over Europe and I miss them dearly but I have made other friends here (through my husband who has never lived anywhere else!!) and they are in similar life stages to us with young children and it is wonderful to be traveling this road with them. Also, I know a fair few families that have emigrated and then returned after a few years for reasons like missing family, friends, the year-round sunshine, domestic help (home cleaning staff are relatively well-priced here) and the pace of life and cost of living. I would still like to live in Europe at some stage but as the years tick by our roots grow deeper and deeper into the soil.
A lot of the people I know from my childhood have moved away. I grew up in Chicago and lived abroad for a little after college and then moved out west for three glorious years before coming back to Chicago to start a family but I itch to be out west again. The reason I think so many of my friends and family have scattered is because while Chicago is a perfectly fine city (and some love it!) but a lot of us are trying to get away to more desirable areas where there is more to do. A lot of friends wanted to move on to something bigger (LA and New York) or a lot of my friends moved out west where there is way more access to nature. So many Chicagoans go to Denver or Austin or Oakland etc. In Chicago, you can work and go out to bars but that gets old after a while. I was so much healthier and happier when I lived out west but my parents in the midwest and my siblings moved to the east coast and some high school and college friends are still here in Chicago so I have stayed here. I think the biggest and central dilemma of my life is that the people I love are in a place I don’t love. What do I pick: people or place? I picked people for now. There is always vacations but my soul is still itching for more. If you have people you love in a place you like/love, you have hit the jackpot and I am jealous!
Same! I live in my hometown and all my childhood friends are still here, we all had our first child at around the same time and just know everything about each other. I moved away for a year and came back. If I met a lot of my friends now I probably wouldn’t have a huge amount in common but shared history is a non-transferable asset. The relief of sitting in someone’s living room in almost silence and it not feeling at all uncomfortable or awkward is invaluable. Not feeling any need to change the stained t shirt before they arrive lol! Politically, financially, career-wise we’re all different but we are all linked by knowing our town inside out, and knowing each other as children, then awkward teens and now adults. Not having to explain anything to them is just so good and comfortable.
This really resonated with me! I went to college in nyc, and after living there for 7 years after college, I was really craving a different, slower, pace of life. My husband and I moved out of the city for 2 years and I just couldn’t stand not having lots of friends close by, so I just moved back to Brooklyn! I realized that having a comfortable and robust community is as a top priority in life for me.
I turn 38 this year and have lived in my town for 12 years. I finally feel like I have a group of 4-6 women who I’m close with and who have kids all around the same age, and it makes me feel happy and settled. I think as I get older I’m more comfortable pursuing new friendships. I’m also reading “Sorry I’m Late But I Didn’t Want to Come” by Jessica Pan, which has a slew of stories and research about relationships and I’m learning a lot of strategies that I think will help me with my own social worries. I feel like it’s so hard to make friends in your 30s and after having kids sometimes.
One tradition a group of friends started a few years ago is a girls weekend every year with NO agenda and no complicated traveling. We are spread out in the Denver metro and we rent a house about an hour out of town and do nothing for 3 nights but chat, hang out and connect. We get together plenty outside of this but it’s usually a 2 hour dinner where we catch up but don’t just hang out. It feels like college again for a few days!
Oof, I miss my people. All of my closest friends and I have recently had babies, so we’re all in the thick of it right now. It’s so, so hard because these are the women that would have made up my village in those early postpartum days- the kind of friends who would drop off homemade meals, hold the baby so I could shower, sit with me during that hazy fog. And I would have been that friend for them as well. But we are all in the same stage right now – survival mode – and it feels near impossible to get together, chat on the phone, go on a walk since our babies all have different needs/routines. I look forward to the days when our babes are a bit older and we can meet in the chaos of it all and at least be together. Until then, I hold them close in my mind and in my heart, sending a random meme to get us through it.
Relate so much to this. I wonder if I’ll ever get over the grief of not being able to cook up a storm or plop down at my friends’ houses and hold their new babies while they rest and shower until they feel whole again. It’s just so incompatible with having your own little humans to keep alive.
With babies the same age, they will become the perfect mom tribe for you once the early survival stage is over.
24 here, and still in grad school. A lot of my friends are in graduate school as well, and/or doing other adulting tings (married and move away, figuring out the next step, moving for a new start, etc) so I do not get to see them often like I did in the past years. Thankfully, I have the type of friends where we cannot see each other a while but once we get together it’s like no time has passed lol. Like everything else, we have our ebbs but it is something we can work through and every time I get back home from a friend hang out or even something like a meme exchange on the phone, I feel like a light bulb. A fully working, bright, lit up one. Grateful.
Still talk to my NYC friends and we visit each other wherever we’ve now ended up. I moved to a mid-sized city in 2021 and my husband and I unfortunately are still having a lot of trouble meeting people even open to new friendships. We had our son in 2023, and that has helped, but I wish it wasn’t so hard. Will just keep trying with Bumble BFF and my son’s daycare.
Chelsey, what city are you in?
I’m in Minneapolis!
Chelsey, I also moved to the Twin Cities in 2021 and have had real trouble expanding my social circle since then. I do the Meetup thing as much as I have the time and bandwidth for, but if it weren’t for the small circle of friends I already had here and the fact that one of my siblings-in-law moved to the area not long after we did, I wouldn’t have many friends either. I don’t have good advice or anything, but I wanted to let you know that you and I are in very similar boats and it definitely isn’t just you.
Thank you, Ellen! I appreciate it. I wish there was a way for me to give you my private contact info so we could meet up sometime, but I’m not sure how to do it on this site.
When I read your message I thought to myself, “I bet she’s in MSP” and alas, you are! We moved here (well, St Paul) from San Francisco in 2021, and it is certainly not the easiest city to forge deep friendships. Largely, I think this is due to many being native to the state and having deep networks and established communities from childhood, college, etc. Many folks just don’t seem to need new folks! For us, it has gotten far easier in the last two years as our kids have gotten older (elementary aged), and we aren’t just passing other parents at daycare drop off/pick up. I hope that’s your experience as well! There was a COJ google sheet a few years back, and while I think it is now locked for editing, you could reach out to some of the folks on there and see if they’d want to meet up!
We have a standing Labor Day weekend booked with our dear friends who live about an hour away. We managed it two years in a row so decided that that was that! There have been hiccups, especially during COVID, but we’ve pivoted or left sick husbands at home, or shortened it, to make it work. I think the idea that it’s already planned and we need to keep the streak going, even if just for lunch, makes it a success!
I started a monthly open house/potluck because I have a young baby and I was tired of scheduling plans weeks in advance only to have cancel at the last minute because someone was sick. So far it’s been lovely! We send the invite out widely and tell people it’s very low key, no need to RSVP, just show up if you’re around and bring some sort of food or snack. People with kids bring them. It helps keep my friends part of my life, and makes it easy to connect with new people because if I like their vibe I just add them to the email list. Last month I invited two moms who I had met in the neighborhood for like five minutes each and they both came with their kids and I think had fun!
I love this idea and have been mulling something similar but logistical question – how do you prep for this if you have no idea how many people are coming or what they’re bringing? I would feel bad if folks showed up with a snack and we didn’t have enough “mains” to give them a solid meal. Basically I want your blueprint for success bc I love this idea :)
I love this idea and am going to steal it!! I live in a small apartment but I had an “open house” birthday party this year and it was so much fun. Come anytime between 2pm-10pm, stay 10 minutes or 8 hours, bring your kids/dog/just yourself, bring a snack if you’re able but your sweet self is perfect as well. I always wish there were more parties in life haha (there is so much BS in the world, and not enough opportunities to gather joyfully for any reason). Trying to make it happen. This seems like the perfect framing for a low-key gathering.
I hope you both try it, it’s brought me so much joy this year! Here are my hosting tips to keep it lowkey for the hosts too when you don’t know how many people will come :) -begin the window between meals, most people won’t show up right at the beginning so that leaves time for people to arrive with more food -stock the table with some basics. Ideally I’d provide a main to be sure we have one but tbh I often haven’t! I usually get snack-y things like chips, veggie sticks, and berries at the least. And seltzer! The more people come the more food there will be so that has always worked out -coming up with a theme helps people pick what to bring. Though I think we have done “brunch” as our theme twice so it doesn’t have to be a fancy theme. I want to “fave trader joe snacks” sometime! -lean into the uncertainty. Every month I think to myself “I don’t even know if anyone is coming today”. Then people start to trickle in, and the next thing I know there are like 15 adults plus 6 kids running around. It’s a delightful chaos
any cup or jo’ers in DFW who want a new friend? I moved here in my thirties and need to find my people. Putting myself out there – [email protected] <3
I’m not anywhere near there, but Ray: you’re so brave!
Love this, Ray! Unfortunately I don’t live in DFW but if I did, I would come hang! This is a rad move & your people are on the way… <3 -katie in burbs o PDX
@Ray There used to be a google doc where COJ readers who were looking for new friends would sign up with their location and I noticed, a few times, that there were successful meet-ups based off the doc. I’m not sure if it’s still around /still valid but maybe someone could share the link and you could make a like-minded friend that way 😊
Omg yes please, let’s share that doc!
I finished school and moved away for uni, finished uni and moved away for work, 2 years later moved again, each time having to find new friends. Now I have a collection of great friends who mostly live away from me (my closest school friend is 30mins away, my best uni friend is a 2 hour flight + away). Each friendship has it’s own rhythm of calls and visits, annual traditions or last minute catch ups. I don’t have a “group” so to speak, but I love being able to bring my friends together when it works. My sister in law does a monthly “friend newsletter” with her close friends after she moved an 8h drive away, it sounds truly heartwarming.
Right now, I avoid social situations with friends in-person and I miss it so much. I feel anxious because my teeth have seriously deteriorated in the last two years and I know that its visible when I talk to people. I finally have some answers and plan to get full dentures this summer, and I’m really excited to feel confident enough to make plans with friends again. I want to feel like myself again and make plans to play with all of our kids and not feel like I’m limited to just online conversations.
I’m so sorry Rachel, that sounds really hard. Thinking of you and I hope you get your fill of friend-time this year. xoxo
Here to validate this, Rachel! I knocked a front tooth out in high school sports years ago. I had to wear a fake front tooth on a wobbly, removable retainer for eight weeks in my late 20s and it felt like a humiliating eternity. I felt so uncomfortable and self-conscious—my one-tooth-retainer would just pop out on a whim! Also, the few friends I let in during this state of deep vulnerability were so gracious and kind. And, gloriously, they helped me see the comic absurdity of the whole ordeal. May we all have friends who hold us close when our tooth pops out.
I hear you, Rachel! Personally speaking, I went through a period of horrible cystic acne and never felt comfortable with my appearance, especially at social gatherings. Once I got that under control, I felt much better and was more confident in social situations.
Voice memos have helped me feel more connected than ever to my long distance besties! I know SO MUCH more about their daily lives thanks to the ability to record a quick (or long!) memo when we each have a moment. Scheduling calls was becoming impossible. And now I get little friend podcast episodes throughout the day. The best!
Voice memos are LIFE. Have been an absolute game changer in my friendships and I love being able to exchange mundane yet significant daily details of life that we would otherwise never talk about when we only see each other a few times a year.
My dog is the best friend I’ve ever had and we are thriving!
same :)
I started a new trend with my close girlfriends (some live in other cities, some live 20 minutes away.) It involves me choosing 5-10 photos of the last *however many days,weeks,months* followed by an equal amount of bullet points with the briefest of explanations. Press send. That’s it! I also mention that there is no need to respond, but it’s my way of providing “cliff notes” on my life, and I invite them to do the same back, whenever they can, or not at all. So far it has a 100% success rate and I feel like I am involved in their thrilling/slightly overwhelming lives too. :)
This is a brilliant idea, Carly! I would love to be the recipient of such updates.
I love how as you get older you see how you make time with friends differently and the friends who are like family flow with that with each other. And new friends come in and out too and goose connections are lovely. Friendship is so important to me and hanging friends who understand that there can be times when you are less available to be face to face but you’re here and they go through it, all of it, whatever your it is together.
oh boy, a great and loaded question, that is! I’ve moved states 4 times since I turned 18, so although I have friends I love and cherish all over the country, I do sometimes feel so lonely. I think it’s because, in contrast to childhood, when we could talk at school, on AIM, or just by walking/biking over to each others’ houses on a whim (not to mention the relative lack of other responsibilities in our lives lol) we are less immediately accessible to each other, so there’s much more *inertia* to every interaction. For instance: I see something silly that reminds me of a friend, I go to text them, I realize I haven’t talked to them in a couple months, so I feel like I should start with pleasantries, but then it feels weird to text “hey, how is your life going?” in the middle of the workday when I was just trying to send them a meme… etc. This is compounded by my quitting social media, and thus missing out on passive life updates from friends. So, since quitting social media, I’ve been trying to find ways to reduce inertia. So far, I’m mostly consciously rejecting certain rules of engagement and just texting people whenever and whatever I want—not waiting for a “good reason,” not waiting for them to respond to my last text, not worrying that I forgot to respond to their last text, not stressing that it will feel too “out of the blue” if we haven’t texted in a while. I like to think that it relieves pressure on us both—it’s just like a gentle nudge saying “I’m your friend and I’m thinking of you” rather than another item on the to-do list. Maybe it’s annoying but I tell myself they can always mute me :) Someone already mentioned Waffle Wednesdays, which one friend group is trying out, and I like it so far! But I think it requires a bit of my “no rules” approach: sometimes I’m the only one sending videos for a few weeks, and sometimes I can’t even get around to watching ones I receive for a couple days, and I have to make peace with both for it to be fun.
Marg, this sounds lovely! I face the same text anxieties as you and also quit social media. My friends have said things like “but I posted about it” and it makes me feel like a bad friend for not knowing updates! I like your idea of reducing inertia and just reaching out.
I’m 37, moved my young family to a small coastal town from a big city three years ago, and while we moved for the slower pace and beauty and nature at our doorstep, it’s the community that will keep us here until we die. I met my coldwater swimming friends and we’ve all fallen in love slowly, first with each other and then with each other’s kids, partners, and extended families. Something about consistently showing up at the beach in any and every state of being (crying, mad at the world, pasty with a giant hairy bush etc.) and going through big life things together (incurable cancer, kids health problems, ageing parents, marriages ending) has created a bond that’s as close to the gold of childhood friendship as I think you can get. Bearing witness to someone’s life is such a powerful thing. We’ve all lived other places and have chosen to build our lives in this small town, where we live in close proximity to one another and the sea. I could not be more grateful to experience this intimacy and magic at this stage of life.
where is this magical place??! this is my dream
In British Columbia! :)
I’m wondering this, too, Nadia, but not even the town specifically, and anyway she probably desires privacy there ~ I am more curious about a general sense of her flight (“NYC to PNW” or “LA to northeast,” etc), if she’d be willing to share. I, too, am 37 and live in a big city (NYC), and my husband and I are ever in the midst of an ongoing conversation about turning our lives upside down for something altogether different for our days~becoming~years and our children’s childhoods, but with neither of us longing to return to our own hometowns, we end up talking in circles and picking up again tomorrow or next week. I am comforted to read this in ways I cannot name.
Sounds like the Sunshine Coast, Annie. My dream after visiting there from Ontario in 2018!
Hello, fellow British Columbian! It really is the best place on Earth ❤️
Hi Alexa, hope you’ll read this! We moved from Toronto to the coast of BC, so it might be something like Chicago to PNW! Don’t want to be specific because I mentioned some things my friends are going through. We spent years thinking and talking about a move. I find that writing things down creates momentum…we wrote about the life we want for our family and what we value, and it was so clear that this was the right decision for us. It is SO stressful and emotionally exhausting to make a huge move happen, and from day 1 of arriving here, the overwhelming feeling has been relief. All of the headspace that used to be dedicated to thinking about moving can now be used for other stuff. Previously, I was always looking to what’s next, and now I only want to pause time. Wouldn’t change a thing. All the very best in figuring out your next steps. The world is your oyster.
My closest friends during my 20s have all moved states away, have families now, and/or we’ve grown apart. The only friends I have now that I see regularly are coworkers – I don’t have any close friends, no friends I can 100% be myself with. It feels really lonely and I’ve been struggling with this for a few years now. Lucky that my husband is my absolute best friend, but I need some gal pals that I can hang out with.
So sorry you are experiencing this Sarah. I think it takes time to make friends in this phase of life, so be gentle with yourself. Also, put forth effort….I realized it takes work and investment to make gal friends in our day and age. But it is all worth it! :)
Big hugs Sarah, I’m in the same boat. Last year Dolly Alderton did a talk in my city and I felt so sad when I realised that, between moves and babies, I didn’t have a girlfriend I could invite with reasonable certainty that she’d said yes. I did end up going with my boyfriend, which was lovely, but almost everyone else there were women with their friends and it broke my heart a bit.
I feel this Sarah. I’m in my mid 50s and I had girlfriends that I now consider acquaintances (if that). It has made me sad, however, I think I’ve become used to it now.
I love phone calls! The mornings I commute I call my cousin. Yes I am that person on the tram having a long personal conversation. I could care, but time catching up with my cousin is too precious. We have another set of friends who live slightly too far away to just drop in on, but we’ve found a park halfway between our houses where we can order pizza for the kids so they can have an early dinner while we catch up. It’s such a relief to find a rhythm that works. As a neurodiverse person I find managing different timelines and calculating meeting points very hard (so much so my husband is often my ghostwriter in group texts). Having a routine or rhythm makes me feel like seeing friends is easy.
Feeling good! Old friends from chapters past, remain (even if we live states away and see each other every 5 years) and new friends are always a welcome addition (often via kids sports). Texting is absolutely the best every day friend connector. We are all juggling so much! I think when I first had my kids (who are now 8 & 11), I was so conscious of not wanting to change our lives too much…including always trying to make time for friends. But it’s kinda impossible with the schedules we all have and the demands of parenthood and adulting. And as years have passed, I have found it reassuring that true friends are just that. Tried and true. Whether you manage to see each other every week, or once a year. We understand each other and give each other grace. That said, one group of girlfriends and I also pick one weekend a year and make a girls road trip happen. Which is coincidentally this weekend and I CANNOT wait!
I don’t have kids, so all my married or married-with-kids friends have dropped me. This is okay since I really can only go to so many baby showers and two-year-old birthdays without starting to feel badly about how things have turned out (or rather, not turned out) for me. I’m trying to keep up with a few single friends because they are in the same boat–particularly a few whose parents have passed on. It does mean staying patient with all the scheduling and dragging myself to some events I probably wouldn’t bother with on my own, but I’d say I’m in a “fake it ’til you make it” phase of trying to keep these friendships going until I have a little more to give.
I’m fifty, married and we have a teen. We’re great, my husband is my best friend and live of my life. I do walks with friends mostly- there’s the friends my dog made for me- turns out my dog funds me the BEST people ever! We beach walk every day. I go for ong walks either close friends wvery few months- that’s a quality day if deep talking. I slso write to friends all the time sowe are connected even though an in person catch up is 3-4 months apart- it keeps us connected to our inner lives. I moved a lot as a kid so I became really good at keeping in touch with people . I went to ten schools! I still have an annual lunch either the girl i started preschool with! Seriously I love friendships and it’s important to cherish the moments and be forgiving of the years that might sweep past you without connection. I have one bestie who gets too possessive if me, but I love her. We have found we can be email friends better than real life . I think friendships flourish sometimes and sometimes they don’t. It’s ok. We get multiple chances to reconnect across a life.
I saw this Wednesday Waffle concept and I found it really cute to get and/or connected with friends: https://www.instagram.com/p/DBccHY0Rm2y/
I adore this question and honestly mine are not great. My long distance friendships are feeling thin – sporadic texts but nothing substantial – definitely feels like a faster shrink now that we are in our 40s. And local to me friends are nonexistent. I moved during the pandemic and my spouse has a lot of friends who are lovely and it’s a treat to have couples friends, but I don’t have any that are just mine. It’s taken a back burner to so many other things – but maybe that’s what I will focus on next.
Late 40’s, have middle/high school-aged kids and most of my friends do too. We all lament that we have limited time and energy to get together! Between high intensity jobs, packed kids’ activity schedules, visiting and applying for colleges, caring for aging parents, nurturing our marriages, it’s a high demand season of life. I think I was warned about this by mothers with kids older than mine, but I didn’t get it until now. Be warned, mothers of younger kids! The kids and the life things need you MORE as they get older in many ways, not less! Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride as always. Anyway, one of my theories of finding ways to get together with friends more is to have casual game night in. With games, you’re not staring eyeball to eyeball talking for hours (which is hard to do after a long week). The staying in part is because restaurants have gotten so expensive. I picture takeout pizza and prosecco. Casual and easy, don’t clean the house. But what game?? Love some suggestions! Nothing too dorky.
Dutch Blitz!
Yes! My husband and I have a high school sophomore and we were just talking last night about parenting her is so much harder than when she was young.
‘Anomia’ is a fun fast-paced think-on-your-feet shouty game if you like that sort of thing! Same with the game ‘Taboo’. I don’t enjoy long drawn-out games like Risk, and prefer games where the rounds are fairly short and you can step in and out of playing a round. ‘Set’ is a quieter but still challenging visual pattern spotting game. ‘Rummikub’ is a nice mellow tile-based game too.
Does anyone else have a friend group that says “we should get together” but nothing ever comes of it? With a group of college friends, it seems everyone is trying to find the perfect date that five people can show up to but it’s so hard with kids activities, work schedules, etc. I want to throw out the “hey- who would like to get together on ________ date” and if you can come, great and if you can’t, let’s try for next time. I have one friend that is sensitive and if a few of us got together and she coulnd’t make it, would be all upset so I think this has prevented me from trying this. Sigh
Reach out to the sensitive one for a date first then send the group on!
I plan something with one or two friends, then (with their permission), I’ll text the others “the three of us will be at PLACE on DAY at TIME — we’d love to see you!” The end. You’re guaranteed to catch up with your besties and others might swing by. Spontaneity works sometimes.
It might soften it with the sensitive friend if you do it around something that has a set time, like watching something specific or some other reason you can only do that date (“we’re going to be super busy for all of June but have this one weekend in late May that works, so sorry if it’s not great for everyone but we’ll do it again” type thing), so it’s clear that you aren’t specifically disregarding them, you’re just doing what you can do. One person not wanting everyone to get together based on their schedule…kinda sucks and I’m sorry you have to manage it!
I was feeling lonely too after moving from NYC to a smaller beach town in Florida. It’s taken a few years to make new friends but now I have tight group of fellow moms. We meet with our kids once a week, I started a book club with some of them (no kids!) that meets once a month, and we aim for a big night out (no kids) once a quarter. I also have a group text with my closest childhood girlfriends and recently we started meeting one night a week on Zoom to do funny YouTube exercise videos together. They are HILARIOUS. We hip thrust for 10-20 minutes and then chat for another 20, and then we go our separate ways (2 of us have little kids in the suburbs and 2 of us have boyfriends in big cities). Highly recommend!
Oof, I remember those days of hanging out with a friend when she had a toddler. I was child-free (and also not really into kids). Now, 14 years later and a parent myself, I have apologized to her for not being very understanding/a present friend at that time! That same friend is one who I’ve known since birth–our single moms pretty much raised us together (with our sisters). Now that I’m 40, it’s interesting to see how our friendship has changed throughout the seasons. Those few years when she had kids and I didn’t, and then when she had 3 under 4 and was trying to transition to a totally new field, and lived the next county over from me, I’d be happy if I got to see her once a year. BUT! Two years ago, she and her family moved to my town! Now they are 5 minutes away, we go to the same church, and our kids are becoming like cousins to each other. We’re back to that kind of casual hanging out that we could do in high school and sometimes I pinch myself thinking how lucky I am to have this rock of a friend, now back in my everyday life. What a gift! Another of my best friends since high school moved to New Zealand 4 years ago and I haven’t seen her since. We do the random phone call from time to time, but the other day we set up a Facetime call so she could walk me through trimming and dyeing my own hair (she’s a stylist). She spent 1.5 hours on the phone with my ridiculously uncoordinated self, patiently encouraging me, and if that isn’t a good friend I don’t know what is!
I’m in a similar stage of life with littles, and I have a couple friend groups that I try to get together with regularly-ish. My recent hack I’ve discovered if you’re going out is to try to just go to the same spot every time. You still have to do the horrible group text scheduling thing but at least you know where you are going. I also like doing a consistent schedule even if it is weird like the third Wednesday every other month (which admittedly doesn’t usually work but is a better starting point than just open ended trying to find days/times)
I am about to move across the country and the way that will affect my friendships has been weighing on me lately. One of them just had a baby (the first in our group), one is terrible at communicating via phone or text, and one hasn’t really spoken to me since I recently told her she deeply hurt my feelings. I’m trying to stay positive about maintaining these friends and looking forward to new friendships but I’m still feeling incredibly sad lately.
My bestie lives two states away, but it’s comforting to know that we can text randomly and pick up where we left off. I miss her so much sometimes.
Marco Polo has changed my friendships over the last 5 years. It is the hands down best way to stay in contact with other busy moms and friends. For the uninitiated- it’s basically a video voicemail. So you leave your video message for your friend or group (highly recommend for group chats) and your friend watches at their leisure, you watch when you have time, etc. I always Polo from the car, and it’s like listening to a personal podcast from my friends. I’m LA based and my best friends are in Seattle, Knoxville, Upstate New York and Rhode Island- and we talk every day, and are closer than ever.
Bri, Same! My two best friends and I live in different states, but know so many details about each other’s daily lives because of Marco Polo. I love hearing their kids in their background and seeing what their hair looks like that day. Highly recommend!
Yes! I came here to say the same thing, then thought, “somebody else must have mentioned Marco Polo already”. It has been totally life-changing for me and my long-distance friendships over the past two years since I discovered it. For anyone reading this that is feeling sad about friendships drifting apart due to distances, time zones, hectic schedules, and the rest…..just download Marco Polo and get a few of your friends on there too. Give it a chance. It is truly transformative! Such a gift. I am beyond grateful.
I was looking for this comment! Late to the thread, but I wanted to shout from the rooftops how much Marco Polo has improved the quality of my friendships. I also have group of friends that are spread out. We did yearly girls trips, but we started Marco Polo a few years ago (we are in our early 40s) and it has been a game changer. 10/10 would recommend.
I don’t do MP, but my gf and I use Voxer. Similar concept — but just voice, not video. I love that it keeps it all in one place – rather than interspersed with my texts. But it has been a LIFESAVER for our friendship. Life is made up of all the little things, the daily moments, the small wins and losses. When you don’t have that, it becomes harder and harder to just pop in to talk about the big stuff. Voxer gives us the opportunity to talk/record whenever we can and blather on about the little things.
Anyone have any advice for friendship in one’s mid/late twenties? My friendships were so solid in university and for the first couple years after university. Everyone living together in big cities and such, going out on weekends together and texting in group chats all the time. Now it feels like things are changing. Friends are moving away, going to graduate school, moving in with partners. People are starting to change and grow apart. While friendship used to be the priority, now it’s all about career and romantic relationships. No one is married or with kids yet, which is another era I’m dreading in case it doesn’t happen for me… This is a strange time. I want to make new friends but I’m really not sure how. I know there are lots of wise women in this comment section who’ve been there, so any words of encouragement / comfort / advice much appreciated <3
Hi Amber! My biggest recommendation would be to make a weekly/biweekly/monthly event and try to get a good group committed. Big enough that if some don’t show up it’s not an issue. I’m in a book club that meets monthly and I love having that space reserved. But it could be any kind of club, group walk, coffee shop exploration committee, etc. Take the initiative, plan it, and invite new people as your circle grows. For example, my friend goes to the movies pretty much every Saturday and he has a whole usual crew PLUS any new folks he invites (we also chat about the movie after at the establishment under the theatre). Adult friendships are ebb and flow and everyone is busy/tired/etc at different times. Cast the net wide and make sure everyone feels welcome and your life will end up full of friendship in many forms.
I feel this one deep… 28ish to 35 was probably the hardest time for friendships. It felt like everyone was moving away, and then when I finally moved it felt impossible to find good friends. Highly recommend joining some kind of volunteer group for a cause that you’re passionate about, taking workout classes at multiple studios (and at different times, try all the vibes!), and doing things outside of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to ask “if you know anyone who’d like to…” But also, indulge in the time alone to read good books and try new hobbies… then let those open up new opportunities for classes or groups. I starting sewing during that 28-35 gap and let it go after having a baby – 10 years later I’m taking classes again, meeting a whole new community (who cares if I’m the youngest, these ladies are so fun!), and my kid loves hearing the stories that I bring home from a Saturday afternoon in the sewing studio.
More commiseration than advice. My mid/late 20’s was my most loneliest, which is weird following the intensely social undergrad era. After undergrad, my friends and I dispersed. Then in graduate school, I repeated the “make new friends then have them relocate around the world” cycle. My early professional years had a lot of colleague churn, and I was still used to making friendship with people my own age. Plus, I was changing. I met my husband/BFF, wanted different traits in my friends (less exciting, more nice), and had kids. It’s not you, and it will get better. Consider friendships with people outside of your age range and situational friendships. That still left lonely evening hours, which I filled with community education classes at the community college. (I reupholstered an entire living room set! I still have the loveseat!) Other options are sport groups, community choir/symphony, or volunteering. GL, it will happen <3
Hey Amber. This is maybe a weird rec, but as an early 40s mom my recommendation for this time is to try to really, really put yourself first. Take a risk, make a mistake, travel. If you have a dream, pursue it. At that age I felt there would be time later. There isn’t. Live big, love and friendship will follow if you’re living in your truth.
I am several years on from this era but still remember it vividly and with a certain pang in my heart. If I could go back and give my 20-something self advice, I would say, Expand the definition of friendship, and allow and welcome and celebrate the change. Many of my so-very-close uni friendships did not stand the test of time, and I spent a great deal of time being devastated over several of these. In retrospect, this was not very useful for me personally or for the friendship, and I wonder if I would have maintained more of those connections had I been more open, more accepting of the natural evoluation of life stages, and if I had worked more at finding new and different ways to connect and relate. It may sound trite but I have found solace and guidance in the saying about friendships being for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I wish I had spent more of my 20s and 30s honoring the many different kinds of connections I had been lucky to make and their contributions to my life, rather than regretting or mourning that we were no longer the same. I myself was no longer the same! I would also echo many commenters above and say that small gestures – voice memos, postcards, short letters, long letters, Sunday phone dates – can mean an enormous amount. These rituals buoyed certain friendships through changing tides and into new decades. Last note on managing in the short term. I joined a nice gym that had fun classes. I made gym buddies. I have kept in contact with exactly zero of these people! But during a time in my life when I could easily feel lonely and isolated, it was really nice to go to a place where I would see familiar faces and get an endorphin rush and build a few sculpted muscles to boot. Good luck. Take heart.
Hi Amber! From someone in her late-30s, I would tell my mid-twenties self to focus what feels good. Don’t worry so much about what’s not working, what you wish you had, or what others might or might not be doing. Pay attention to the friendships that feel good and nourishing, the conversations that leave you feeling seen and lifted up, and the activities that make you feel like a kid again. Then seek those out and spend as much time as you can with the people and things that make you feel good and like yourself. Sending hugs; I know it can be an isolating time!
“Sporadic” feels accurate. Also, eclectic. After tumult and loneliness in my 30’s, I’m in a place in my mid-40’s where I have a variety of different kinds of friendships, which all together feel mostly gratifying even if individually the relationships are sparser than when I was younger. I exchange very lengthy emails with a friend who moved abroad about every six months. The emails are wonderful, even if far apart in time. It’s a real connection. Conversely, I have a long-distance friendship with very periodic and increasingly superficial phone calls. I have friends at work. We share about our personal lives, vent about work, and overall share a lot of laughs. Even if we don’t extend the relationship outside of work, these are in some ways my most valuable connections. I have situational friendships among adults with kids in the same activities as my kids. The connections are not deep but it’s nice to share about happenings at school or in the community and to simply have a good conversation. A couple of neighbors fall into the same zone. However, I’m missing a drop-in friend. Someone to go on an outing or hang at the house. My kids are in their tweens/teens, so honestly I don’t really have time or inclination for that and recognize that I am part of that problem. Maybe when our kids leave home, some of the situational friends will turn into that kind of friend.
My good friends are a little farther away. For local neighborhood friends, I have a lot of acquaintances. Playground friends. Couples friendships where my husband and kids and I will hang out with both partners and their kids. Activity friends. But I don’t have one-on-one close female friendships near home, and I miss that. I don’t know how to get any relationship to that next level, and it feels sad to me.
I moved to a new city in my 20s and knew literally no one besides my partner. Over the last 15 years I feel like I have perfected the art of making friends. So here is my formula for leveling up a friendship: -Something boring – Ask a friend to go to run a boring errand together. The grocery store, the nursery for new plants, maybe even folding laundry and watching bad tv on a weeknight. -Something messy – Invite friends over spontaneously without cleaning your house. Bust out the chipotle napkins at dinner. It doesn’t have to be literally messy, just something vulnerable and rumpled. Whatever you’d be maybe a little embarrassed about if you’re trying to impress someone? That exact thing can be very endearing and can help bring a little intimacy to a friendship. You can’t be close if you’re not being authentic. -Something repeated: A weekly game night, monthly cooking club. Put it on auto pilot to take out the lift of planning. I only do these with my very favorite people, and it helps to make things feel like a crew. Helping to connect a few of your friends who don’t know each other and then hit it off, it’s such a joy.
Ah forgot the most important one: Something vulnerable! Ask for help with something small. This is essential for building community. And people generally love to be needed! Don’t be afraid to ask. I’ve asked a friend to pick up toilet paper on her way over for a party; asked another friend to come stay over for a couple hours on a Monday night when I had to go to urgent care while my baby was asleep upstairs; and asked someone else to help me jump my car battery instead of calling AAA.
love these, hannah. x