What I’ve Learned From Watching My Kid Prepare for Her Bat Mitzvah
Bat Mitzvah prep has begun in earnest at our house, which means that once a week, my 12-year-old daughter hides away in her bedroom, meets with her wonderful tutor over Zoom, and comes out knowing things her very own mother doesn’t.
This process will take a full year and is multi-pronged. She will learn to read Hebrew and chant trope (or the musical notes associated with the Hebrew letters). She will write a d’var torah, a short sermon or interpretation of her Torah portion that she will read in front of the entire congregation. She will also engage in some sort of Mitzvah project, part of the Jewish call of Tikkun Olam, or repair of the world. In other words, she’ll put her own interests to good use with some sort of volunteer project.
The first meeting with her tutor went badly, as I had warned the tutor it might. My daughter was asked to read something in Hebrew, and when she couldn’t, she started to cry, and judging from the pile of tissues I found next to her desk after the fact, cried the rest of the session. It wasn’t just that the task itself seemed insurmountable. It was that the final goal — the privilege of chanting Torah with hundreds of eyes on you — scared this shy kid even more. When the session ended, she came out and wept until we had talked through it enough to move onto ice cream and an episode of The Summer I Turned Pretty, her body slouched against mine, forever my baby.
When she came out of the second session smiling, I said, “I guess when you cry on the first day, there’s nowhere to go but up?” She laughed and I laughed, but I said this knowing there will be many more tears shed (for both of us). Still, I wanted to give her a sense of hope. Isn’t that what we all want when embarking on a long, slow journey whose end feels unreachable?
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My parents are fervently anti-religious Jews, so “Bat Mitzvah” was never uttered in our house growing up (I didn’t even know about them until the 7th grade invites came in). That said, I did marry a Jewish man, and since moving to Los Angeles nine years ago, our family life has been guided and organized by a Jewish community, which has surprised no one more than me, who, in my previous 37 years on earth, hadn’t found much use for religion. Over the years that we’ve been here, however, I’ve come to depend not only on the friends from our shul, but also the rituals, traditions and rabbinical guidance in the face of a crumbling world, so when it came to deciding on whether our daughter would have a Bat Mitzvah, there was never any question for us that she would.
Back when we first moved here, when I watched the barely-teens lead a quite substantial part of the Shabbat service, I was semi-shocked that they could do it — it was so hard and they had to learn so much Hebrew and then interpret such a difficult text! The feat has only become more impressive as my own daughter has gotten closer to that challenge. Compared to the preschooler who sat on my lap through services, the age 13 once seemed very grown up. Now, not so much.
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One of the great joys of having kids is to be awed by them, but while watching this year-long learning process unfold, I am moved by more than her grit and tenacity. I am touched by the fact that my preteen is being forced to participate in something that is entirely anathema to our quick-moving culture.
Preparing for a Bat Mitzvah is extremely slow moving. It is difficult and awkward and not of immediate use. In this way, it is different from studying French before a trip to Paris or learning to drive a stick shift. It is not optimizable; it doesn’t fit in a reel or meme. There are no short-term rewards, other than the thrill of having memorized (or read or interpreted) a new line of text each week. There are absolutely no shortcuts, and it cannot be helped by a hack or app.
It is cumulative in the way only the very best things in life are — say, parenting, friendship, marriage.
And it has made me think deeply about what things are similar in my own life; pursuits that takes perseverance and patience and ingenuity. An avocation whose rewards are meager at first, but magically cumulative.
For me, this is novel-writing, but it could also be growing a garden, learning to knit, running long distances, or building an intentional community.
In my experience, writing a novel often feels as slow and meaningless as learning lines of ancient Hebrew, but it gives me something nothing else can: the satisfaction that I can do something demanding. It is a reminder that I can — that I should — be pushed to my limits; that that is where the good stuff often lies.
Abigail Rasminsky is a writer and editor based in Los Angeles. She teaches creative writing at the Keck School of Medicine of USC and writes the weekly newsletter, People + Bodies. She has also written for Cup of Jo on many topics, including marriage, preteens, perimenopause, and only children.
P.S. What has surprised me most about raising preteens, and are you religious?
(Photo by Eloisa Ramos/Stocksy.)
Comments
112 commentsAbigail, you’re always a joy reading, and it’s so nice to see other Jewish people on CoJ. This brought me back to my own Bat Mitzvah prep year – it was a long, complex process but it felt so meaningful. I got to study with my bestie, her mom (z”l) taught us, and my mom joined sometimes. Growing up in a place where most girls don’t do BM’s like boys do, but in a community where gender equality is the norm, taking my place in the Jewish community felt like a feminist act, a meaningful choice about my Jewish life, and I felt a huge sense of accomplishment stepping up to it. I’ll never forget looking at my grandparents (z”l) from the Bimah and seeing them tearing with pride and joy. Mazel Tov and good luck to your daughter! I hope she has a similarly meaningful experience <3
I’m actually learning how to knit right now, so that example hits home. It’s so tedious and difficult. I don’t have “fairy hands” as my class instructor calls it, but there is value in doing hard things.
Mazel tov to your daughter, Abigail! I was delighted to read your essay (and many of your other essays on Cup of Jo!). We are on the other side of the bat mitzvah process as my daughter just had her bat mitzvah this past summer. You capture the process and all of the hard work so beautifully. My husband and I are both jewish but he identifies as an atheist and more culturally (rather than religiously) jewish. It was important for our family to uphold this tradition as we were both young refugees who had to flee our countries of origin due to being jewish. I was so impressed by my daughter leading up and during her service. She really rose to the occasion and it was such an incredible experience to see her reach this milestone. Nearly all of our guests were not jewish and I think it was a really neat experience for them to witness this tradition. It was also so moving and meaningful to have our community bear witness to this important milestone and hear our daughter’s d’var torah and our speeches (I cried a lot!) as we ushered in our daughter to this transition from childhood to adulthood. I hope you have a meaningful experience as well! P.S. I’m a huge fan of Ikar and searched for a similar congregation where we live in the bay area :-)
We are recently on the other side, and soon will embark on this path with our second child. As a convert, I never had a Bat Mitzvah, though I did go through it as an adult (learning to read Hebrew, learning to chant trope), and reading at my son’s bar mitzvah was a beautiful privilege. But what was most amazing to our non-Jewish friends was how this quest – this transition from childhood to adulthood, something many cultures have – happens within our community. A hundred people were there to hold my son up and let him know that he belongs and has a place. To spend a year of intense study and preparation like that, without your parents’ assistance, and then to get up on the Bimah and read to loving eyes is such an accomplishment. It is a lesson in growing up and action. I wish everyone could have this opportunity.
I’m not in this stage of life anymore with my kids, nor is our family Jewish or religious at all… but I so deeply resonate with how it compares to writing. I loved this and it gave me that much more motivation this week to sit at my desk with my ongoing project. In solidarity!
Mazel tov and I hope you can share with us a follow up. She will be great!!
Love this post! Just to be clear: for most of us, this meant SINGING in front of hundreds of people. INTO. A. MICROPHONE. We are a resilient people, and this might be why.
Or, for some of us, without a microphone! I’ve been a singer all my life, but having to sing every word clearly to a crowd of 300, no tech to help, is not for the faint of heart. So worth it though!
Bearing witness to our children doing hard, unfamiliar things is a blessing, curse and constant amazement all rolled up in one!
Thank you for this post! I believe religion adds so much to our personal lives, our families, and our communities. It’s wonderful to read about religious practices that require dedicated effort and bring people together. I learned from this.
My 13 year old daughter had her Bat Mitzvah last week, after 10 months of preparation, which also coincided with some of the hardest months of my life so far. As if planning a Bat Mitzvah with an ex-husband wasn’t challenging enough, I went through the ending of a three-year relationship that I had hoped would be forever, and, most devastatingly, the loss of my mom after a brief and terrible battle with Cancer. Through it all, my daughter attended every weekly lesson with her tutor, met with the Rabbi, and showed me just how amazing and brave and strong she is, so that when she stood up in front of our family and friends, I thought my heart would burst with pride. In many ways, this was a rite of passage for both of us – reminding us of our faith in Judaism, but also in ourselves.
My heart goes out to you, Ariella. What a complex and devastating stretch you went through. It sounds like you handled it with grace and dug really deep. Parenting while losing a parent is not for the faint of heart. Sending lots of love and I hope your pride extends to yourself as well as your wonderful daughter.
Thank you, Catherine. <3
“…and not of immediate use.” Loved these words.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I did not realize there was so much preparation involved for the young person who was having the bat mitzvah. I can see how beneficial it would be to undergo such a challenge; what a rite of passage. You seem like an amazing mom.
Does anyone have advice on a situation I find myself in? I–an atheist, left-wing person–would very much like a spiritual practice in my life. There are many ways I could conceivably do this, but my husband is very against it. We have kids, which further complicates things. I don’t believe in a metaphysical power, but I want the interior strength and community that can come through spiritual practices. (Side note: does anyone want to built a community of this sort with me?!?!? Please!!!!!)
Check out Unitarian Universalist churches in your area. I’m a devout atheist and we have taken our kids a few times (and I wish we could more, but our Sunday schedule is tricky). UU churches come in a lot of flavors, but at its core UU is values based – their covenants/guiding principles are focused on justice, freedom, inherent human worth, and the importance of building community and following your own spiritual journey. The church welcomes people who do not believe in any god and draws from all sorts of religious and non-religious texts, and congregations tend to be really progressive. Our kids (10 and 12) actually enjoyed the sermons, and they gave our family a lot to talk about. If you happen to be in DC, check out All Souls :)
Humanism, if you are lucky enough to have a community of them around you. Stephen Pinkers’s book Enlightenment Now sheds good light in it. I’ve settled for a progressive Episcopal community for my families needs, but Unitarians can be a runners up place in lieu of Humanism.
Are you familiar with journaling clubs? I’m thinking particularly the Isolation Journals and the new book of prompts recently published by Suleika Jouad called the Book of Alchemy. You might find it powerful for you.
You may want to check out a Unitarian Universalist church. It’s a free and inclusive faith that focuses on individual spiritual growth and the search for truth and meaning according to one’s own conscience, rather than a single set of dogma. Can be atheist, Jewish, Christian, etc.
I’m basically in the same boat. I was raised Jewish and have found a magical Humanistic Jewish synagogue which meets this need for our family. No belief in a god but a cultural, historical and spiritual community that celebrates traditions and life cycle milestones in a way that is grounded in history and culture without the religious aspect. I feel so so lucky to have found it because it’s rare!
Consider Uniterian Universalism!
Have you looked into Universal Unitarianism? Many friends have found what you are describing at UU congregations, similar to what I have found in my Reform Jewish community.
Hi! I hear your plea! Look up “spiritual humanism”, I don’t know much about it but it seems close to what you are looking for. Don’t give up, you can find a community (I feel there are probably lots of hidden atheists in all spiritual communities/ congregations, btw!)
I have a collection of deeply held personal beliefs that actually sound a lot like what you’re describing. They’re based on and informed by my work as a scientist who studies the solar system, but also based on some pretty common interpretations of core concepts and values in Judaism. We don’t believe in proselytizing, so you’ll have a hard time finding an explanation that’s like, “here’s why you should consider being Jewish,” but I do find that friends who were raised in Christian traditions (apologies in advance if that’s not applicable for you!) tend not to realize that foundational ideas like God or “being religious” tend to look very different in Jewish congregations, not to mention the range of interpretations within the broader Jewish community. You might enjoy reading the book Here All Along by Sarah Hurwitz if any of that explanation of Judaism intrigues you.
Poetry? Music? Meditation? I am an atheist and a philosophy teacher with a strong spirituality. I find religion intetesting in many aspects but always find they lack of spirituality and are too focused on guilt, judgement and sexuality…
There are some secular humanist congregations! The one near us focuses on social justice, community, and general philosophical/existential type questions. There is also a Sunday school for kids where they learn about all religions and the golden rule.
Nature, hiking, trail running- I have found nature to provide me a sense of spiritualism that a religion couldn’t fill. If you also crave the community part, bonding with other like minded folks, you can join a hiking or running club. For me, just hiking in nature, communing with the trees, the sounds of birds, babbling creeks, and feeling the wind on my skin brings me so much peace and grounds me.
I have been surprised over the last year to find this urge in myself, too. I actually was drawn to Quaker meetings (sometimes called the Religious Society of Friends) for the focus on simplicity, authenticity, and cultivating your own connection with the divine, whatever that may mean to you. I find the lack of instruction and expectation a relief and an opportunity. At first I went alone, but now take my family as well (one near us holds a playgroup for children during the adult meeting, with gentle lessons on topics like compassion or stewardship). The people are friendly, and offer ways to get involved with committee or service projects, but are understanding of this growth as a personal journey, which I appreciate. The silent meetings feel a bit like meditation and are a centering and calming spot in my weekend. Feel free to look up more info online if that sounds interesting… in NYC the 15th St meeting is also always open to all, no sign up or anything necessary.
Another vote for Unitarian! I grew up with atheist parents. Besides my grandmother forcing us to go to Sunday school and Sunday service for a few years, I had no concept of religion.when I went o college for ate, I realized I was missing a lot of historians knowledge that others had. So I started taking courses in religion. One of the courses, our homework was to go to a different service every week. Unitarian was the most all inclusive, non judgement for not believing. I’m sure there are others and better, too but that was my experience. Now, I’m a mom who basically studies pagan religions and medieval history. I am one of those, “Did you see the MOON?”
Another vote for the wonderful Quakers! In Philadelphia, the Quakers are a big presence since the state was founded by a Quaker, but they are all over. Kate (in the comments) beautifully explained why they might appeal to you.
I, a life long atheist, have for a while now felt a pull towards the Quaker friends meeting in my area – although I haven’t made the leap yet. But something else to check out. I think even the UU communities would be too churchy for me (having grown up among too many too pushy evangelicals and Catholics)
Everyone has already said the things about Unitarian Universalists but I will say from the perspective of a kid raised in this tradition, it was one of the most formative experiences of my life. The way I think about the world, about my role in it, about the obligations I have to the “interconnected web of all humanity of which we are a part” have all come from the years I spent as a kid attending UU services.
This might sound stupid, but…I’m turning 46 soon and I have spent the last 6 months with interviewing for a very special role. It would had meant the world to me: professionally a huge challenge and step up, financially too, it would had meant a big change in my life. I worked really really hard during the process, put all my energy in it, it was often scary as I had to go through some really tough rounds and there were multiply times crying on my husband’s shoulders that I cannot do it, I’m not good enough, smart enough etc. Yet, pushed myself and got through each round with very high opinions from the company. In the end it was just me and another candidate and I finally didnt get the job :( BUT: I think I went through very similar process and I truely believe that doing this at 12-13 would make a huge difference in her confidence for the better. Good luck to her and hope to hear how it went!
thanks for this insightful essay. It would have taken a lot of prep for me as a teenager to be able to perform in front of such an audience. I was just so awkward. Your daughter is lucky to have you and this community. speaking of religion: I have been raised old world catholic in a country that is still steeped in catholicism. I left the church ages ago and consider myself an atheist now. Yet when I see people calling themselves christians to further their political agenda or, say, recite the our father to pictures of war, or can’t seem to find a black suit for a pope’s funeral, I feel insulted in my non-existent religious beliefs. does anyone else have that? It feels so weird.
You’re definitely not alone… I was raised strictly Evangelical Baptist, pretty sure I no longer believe, and yet I am incensed by people who publicly call themselves Christians for personal gain, but don’t appear to know or live by any of the basic teachings of Jesus Christ. On the other hand, it’s then much easier to call them out!
Relatedly, does anyone have any book recommendations for a 9yo perfectionist? My daughter shies away from challenges because she doesn’t like to feel “dumb” or incompetent. She shuts down if she doesn’t understand a math problem, etc. I’m all about finding joy in the challenge and love pushing myself to the limits, but also have the years of experience to contribute to this perspective. We do a lot of praising the process, not just the end result, etc. to try to build her self-efficacy. Appreciative of any ideas! Thanks
You might try snagging The Book of Think by Marilyn Burns; it is filled with problems that require creative thinking and solutions. Might be fun to get and do some together with her!
Not a book idea, but when perfectionist tendencies start to show themselves in my kids there are a few things that have helped. One is to tell them stories of times when they’ve tried and failed and tried again. They love to hear about how they learned to crawl and walk as babies. I don’t go heavy on the moral of the story, just tell them about how they would hold onto the bars of their crib to cruise, or push diaper boxes around on their knees, and how my dad wanted to put helmets on them because they fell so often at first. Or how when they finally learned to move I would “lose” them in the apartment and panic. Now when they see toddlers learning to walk they say, “That baby is working so hard! They’re probably gonna fall and keep right on going.”
“What to do when mistakes make your quake”. It’s part of an amazing series of workbooks for kids that use a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) approach to help children. We’ve used the ones about anxiety and sleep at my house and I often recommend them to my patients. (I am a pediatrician.)
Hi Emily. I don’t have any specific book recommendations (well, we love Izzy Gizmo in our house but your 9yo might feel it’s a bit young for her) but I think reassuring her that her impatience to be good at something straight away is a normal impulse that lots of people feel is really important… there’s an Ira Glass quote that I go back to a lot for my self that I have definitely on occasion paraphrased for a younger audience: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/309485-nobody-tells-this-to-people-who-are-beginners-i-wish
Try Wreck This Journal. It’s an art-based, creative and perfect for feeling comfortable in breaking the rules. There are prompts on each page that encourage you to do this GA that seems outrageous if you are a perfectionist – e.g. rip out pages and put them in the washing machine and stick them back in, chuck it out of the window, scribble so hard you go through the page. Really recommend – seems light hearted and frivolous but it teaches a valuable lesson and is FUN. In fact, get two copies so you can join in too.
So moving and sacred.. so beautiful. Thank you for sharing💗
Lovely, just lovely! Thank you so much for this. My daughter is 11 and at a Jewish day school. She’s counting down the days until she has her Bat Mitzvah, something that I myself didn’t get to experience much much later in life because my family had to flee the Soviet Union when I was a child. Abby’s writing so beautifully captures this special milestone ❤️
I was a surprise bat mitzvah in my household. We weren’t a religious family at all, but I decided I wanted to do it, and the whole experience ended up being so meaningful… something about learning to read an ancient-yet-modern language, to decipher an ancient-yet-modern book of law makes you feel part of a continuum that is always changing and also very much the same. You’re just another human grappling with what it means to be alive, what is our relationship to the world and your responsibility to it…
Not related to this post – sorry! I’m trying to find a poem that was mentioned here (I believe in the comments, not in a post) a while back. It was about motherhood – as I recall, it was from the POV of the mother, and the message was (maybe?) she dreamed that the child needed something (ice cream?) for their birthday…and when she woke it was true, so “I’m thinking of you even when I’m not”..? Does this ring any bells? I’ve tried searching but have come up empty. Thank you for any help!
Abigail, you are such a wonderful mom. I could picture so vividly the ice cream and The Summer I Turned Pretty snuggling and it made me think of how no place felt safer than leaning into my mom on the couch watching something together after a hard day at that age. Thank you for writing this beautiful piece – I absolutely loved it! Separately, I’ve been devouring content from the NYC marathon (congratulations to anyone who ran!) as something about every single story and cheering on any marathon fills me with the most overwhelming tears of joy. To bear witness to how hard anyone has worked at anything they care about is such a uniquely beautiful feeling. A creator I follow posted something about her marathon experience and said something along the lines of “even when you can’t control the fear and anxiety, do it scared” or “if you can’t do it brave, do it scared.” I feel like this is such a helpful mantra in thinking about myself going into job interviews this week and would’ve been as helpful before big swim meets or presentations in high school or first dates or whatever it else might be and rings so much truer to me as a gentle and loving push than “don’t be scared!” I tell myself all the time I get so scared/nervous because I care so unbelievably much (about everything!) and it’s so lovely to look back at yourself and know that even if you didn’t feel brave, if you did it at all (even if you did it scared!), you actually are.
So beautiful, Abby! The day itself, shared with family and friends, will be wonderful and special (and let’s not forget STRESSFUL!! 😬) but you are so right about how the year of hard work leading to it creates a sort of map for parenting into the teens and beyond.
There are musical notes associated with Hebrew letters? How fascinating!
Yes, it’s called trope. It’s sort of like if you took Western sheet music markings but embedded it within the English alphabet so that you could read a sentence and know how to sign it at the same time. The trope markings are included in the text.
Not all Hebrew letters, just those in the Torah (and associated writings). They are trope marks imposed above or below the letters, not part of the letters themselves. Most Jewish kids don’t learn to read trope (it’s super complicated) but will listen to a recording of their Torah portion until they’ve memorized it.
Yes! Ancient Hebrew used little to no punctuation, so there’s a system of note-like annotations which dictate the melody in which you sing/chant the text and serve as extra guidance for the grammar (like, to clarify what the text actually means). People think it’s really hard, but it’s no harder than learning to read sheet music, and because it ties into grammar you start noticing the patterns and inner logic pretty quickly. Different communities have slightly different melodies, and different parts of the Jewish canon have specific melodies – all using the same annotations, but sung slightly differently. So like, the melody in a Persian Shull would be different to the one in a British one, and the melody for the Torah is different from the melody for the book of Ruth, for example. But you’d be able to practice together with Jewish people from other countries and learn each other’s melody, and once you know the notes for one part you’d be able to learn the melody for other parts, because you’re using the same set of notes (kind of like the way you can read Italian or French, even though you don’t speak them, and you’d be able to start learning from there). It’s really cool and fun and I recommend <3
My own high-school child studies (and now loves) Latin, and I find myself with similar thoughts to your own, Abigail: She works very hard at it; it’s not of immediate “use”; she loves the deep history and intricacy of the language; and sometimes it makes her cry. (Ha! But seriously.) Instead of “what use is this?” she asks, “Why do I love this?” and that’s a very good question for teens to be able to ask themselves, especially in a culture saturated with dopamine hits from immediate feedback. What happens if you just do a thing, slowly and steadily, for a really long time instead?
As a kid I really wanted to learn Latin, but my mom made me do Spanish instead because it was more practical. (Joke’s on her; I’m an academic and Latin would actually help). I love that you supported your kid’s weird love!
Thank you for this beautiful essay and a little peek into something I did not know much about. Love this rite of passage!
Interesting to read about the practices of another religions and all that goes into this big ritual! I am religious and it has enriched my life so much!! I love Jesus with every fiber of my being, read the Bible everyday, pray continually and I truly can’t imagine life without my faith. I think now with the world in shambles and people searching for meaning and identity, it is so helpful to have an anchor point, a unceasing hope and answers to all the junk in the world!
I loved reading this! While I wish I could have approached my bat mitzvah training with the commitment and work ethic I later developed… it was still a really moving day and one that affirmed my place in an ancient tradition. And I think it was a growth experience to go through the prep, one of many that eventually led me to find my work ‘style’ and excel in college, grad school, and my career. You take what you can from it at 12/13, but the experience continues to have meaning and shed light on aspects of myself years later.
This is beautiful. It was such a joy exiting the isolation of the pandemic’s zoom B – mitzvah’s, and finally gathering to celebrate amazing Jewish teenagers. Also occurs to me that I avoid even saying the word ‘Jewish’ these days, or indicating in any way that we are Jewish = oof. ps: Go Zohran! You’ve got this NYC.
Thank you so much for sharing your story in such a profoundly beautiful way. We are not Jewish but live in a Jewish community and it is “Mitzvah Season”. I have been speaking to my just turned 13 year old son about the process and how it is so much more than all the parties he is getting invited to. I will have him read this essay tonight!
My daughter is 8 and just started Hebrew school. I can’t believe her Bat Mitzvah will be here in a flash. Thank you for this essay and for the nostalgia of my own Bat Mitzvah prep! It sure is a journey.
This was beautiful. And I never thought about how the year-long preparation is so different from most of what our kids experience today, since there are no shortcuts! And as I was reading I thought, “That’s so much like writing a novel” and then you said it, too :)
We just received an invitation to the Bat Mitzvah for one of our daughters closest friends, they have known each other since kindergarden. It is next year, and we are so excited for her, excited to be guests, excited to see what it is really like! We’re thrilled for them, and can’t wait to celebrate as part of their community (I’m Buddhist & hubs and daughter go to Catholic church…until and unless daughter decides otherwise). This look into the preparation is fascinating, I’ll have my girl read it, so she understands a little more what her friend is going through. So interesting, many thanks!
As the daughter of an interfaith marriage couple who barely grew up with religion and did not have a bat mitzvah, I was ambivalent about it, but after my oldest’s bar mitzvah, I think it is just the best. Yes to all of the above. As with all things, if you ask a lot of kids, they will often rise to the occasion. They learn so much through this process that I did not learn until a much later age: public speaking, sure, but also textual exegesis, how an ancient religion can be both irrelevant and completely relevant, long-range planning, how to (politely and respectfully) stand up to adults–my son’s d’var torah tutor was not in favor of the topic my son chose; he persisted and did it anyway…the list goes on. And for parents, it is so meaningful to be able to take a step back, acknowledge the adult your child is growing into, and publicly celebrate them. Aside from birthdays and maybe graduations, we get few opportunities to do this, and it is lovely to do for your own children and to witness for their friends and community as well.
I love this! Amazing. It really does it all. ;)
Thank you CoJ for showcasing an essay on Judaism and this rite of passage for Jewish youth! I loved reading about and reflecting on this.
Thank you for sharing this. We are on the other side of the process now and while I had lots of hesitation about the b mitzvah process before embarking on it (especially as someone who grew up in a different religion and felt like this was a lot of pressure to heap on my kid at such a complicated age), it was truly transformative not just for our kid but for our entire family. When all is said and done I am confident that you will be absolutely amazed at what she is capable of, and most importantly, so will she.
We just celebrated my son’s bar mitzvah, and after his aliyah, my mother very unexpectedly burst into tears of pure emotion. She kept saying she didn’t know what came over her, but later she spoke about how it was one of the most “real” moments she’d ever experienced: a boy reading from the Torah, the congregation calling out mazal tov, the continuity of generations, his coming of age, the feeling of unification… It was very special, and I wish that for you as well!
Thank you for sharing this beautifully written piece. I am not very familiar with Judaism and I enjoyed learning about the Bat Mitzvah process and meaning.
Same! I am not familiar with Judaism either and am not remotely religious. However I have an 8 month old baby and thoughts about raising a child in a non-religious setting and how to approach religion when he grows older has made me very curious about all other religions. Thanks for letting us take a very thoughtful and interesting peek into Judaism, Abby!
If you want to learn more about Judaism, I highly recommend Sarah Hurwitz’s book Here All Along: Finding Meaning, Spirituality, and a Deeper Connection to Life — in Judaism (after finally looking there). Sarah was Michelle Obama’s head speechwriter; the book gives an incredibly well-written and engaging account of Sarah’s adult discovery of the complexity of Judaism. As someone who had nearly no experience with Judaism, I found it fascinating!
This put me right back to my own bat mitzvah when I was thirteen. I also cried during my first meeting with the Rabbi, and was mortified. I was so angry at my parents for making me do it; At the time it had no meaning to me. I was also scared that I would fail. Now at forty, I know that you hit the nail on the head about all of the benefits of going through with having a Bat Mitzvah, of which a larger connection to my Jewish faith was only a small side effect. Doing something so big like that when you are so young is an extreme confidence booster. I especially have fond memories of working on my sermon with my parents. When your shy daughter reads the Torah in front of the congregation it will be really amazing for both of you.
Rachel, I love to hear this! So moving. And I’m sure I’ll be a MESS.
Thank you, Abigail, for this beautiful essay. I have two daughters we are raising Jewish (with non-religious Christmas and Easter for moi 🙃) and Judaism really is such a beautiful religion. I love all the rituals, the idea of Tikkun Olam and how it is mostly non-commercialized. There are other problems (as with all religions) but I see a lot of beauty in it and I’m grateful my girls get to be a part of this community through their dad’s family. I have another question since I love picking the COJ hive mind. I think I moved to the wrong place??? And now I’m stuck. I’ve posted about this before. I convinced my husband to move to Charlotte, NC about two hours from where I grew up and where my parents, sister, and her family all live (Asheville). I was in NYC for 15 years before this. Everyone told me Charlotte was different, so many progressive people now, people from all over, etc. andddd I just don’t think that’s true. Everyone goes to church every Sunday, and no one but me says the f-word, and even though there are lots of Dems, people do NOT discuss politics. Half the people you meet are secretly Trump supporters (WTF). I don’t know what to do! It’s been 15 months already and I have made lots of friendly acquaintances who are Democrats and good people. I know it will take much longer to make best, deep friends simply because we’re all busy with little kids,etc. But what do I do with the regret?? I was the one who convinced my husband to move here. He can’t go back to the NY area because his job wants him here now. We could maybe move in 5 years but my daughters will be older by then and I think it’s harder to move. We see my family maybe once every other month which is great, but not enough to justify a day-to-day that feels hard. I can’t decide if this is just me because I’m a very uncertain person who tends to see what’s bad about a place/situation versus what’s good, or if I really, truly made a mistake and should have moved to the Jersey suburbs. No matter where I live I always feel very different from everyone there- I felt that way in NYC too but I was still able to make very close, deep friendships and family friends. The men here especially (my friends’ husbands) are very different from my Jewish NJ husband (lol) and we haven’t found a couple where we connect with both people, yet. I guess there’s no real advice, but if anyone has a pep talk, send it my way <3.
Commenting because I *just* read an advice-column letter (like, today…maybe at Slate.com) about a person who had similar regrets 6 months after convincing her husband to move out of LA. The agony aunt’s suggestions basically amounted to doubling down on the new place–go ‘no contact’ with LA and really *do* the things that made the letter-writer want to move in the first place (e.g. take those walks they wanted when they were stuck in LA car culture). Personally, I can imagine people celebrating a place where folks don’t talk about politics all the time…but if you don’t, maybe you want to be the change: start a discussion group? a book club with the occasional political book? found an Indivisible group? If that sounds like too much, schedule some concrete things to help you celebrate where you are. What fun holiday traditions will you start now that you are only 2 hours from family? There is no perfect place, but this way, even if you decide to move, you’ll know you enjoyed what you could in NC.
Not sure this is something you might consider but have you ever thought of getting involved in your daughter’s synagogue? Most have sisterhoods that organize things like volunteer opportunities and gatherings around holidays. The community there definitely won’t be the church-going type and may offer a new and welcome perspective.
No advice but solidarity! I lived in Charlotte for 18 months and then promptly moved away. Making friends was hard – it took so much more effort because I didn’t go to church or golf. But there are people there like you…you just need more time to find them!
Move very close to your parents. The closer you are the more involvement. You may as well be on Mars if its a two hour drive to see them,
No real advice, but hoping you find your people here in Charlotte! I’m in an older age demographic than you and have lived here for almost 30 years and have raised children here. There was definitely a bit of culture shock coming here – different from the other places I’ve lived (LA, Phila, Boston) but we’ve met great, open-minded, progressive, politically-engaged friends.I think different parts of the city probably have different feels – maybe the areas closer to Uptown might be more to your liking. It might be worth looking for some activities or groups in those neighborhoods to see if that’s the case. Good luck!
Just seconding the suggestion to look into your local synagogue. Many reform or other progressive temples are very open to interfaith families. I am involved in my reform temple and we are in a very purple area politically with a small Jewish population. It’s very nice to have like-minded progressive people who care about repairing our world with a progressive Rabbi advocating for social action and change. There may also be a group for parents or even for non-Jewish spouses/partners
Interesting! I lived in Charlotte for 14 years in my 20s and 30s. None of my friends who still live there are Trump supporters, and so many people are transplants! Not sure what part of town you are in, but Temple Beth El is great IMO (not Jewish myself, I babysat for a lovely Jewish family and attended 3 bar/bat mitzvahs there). I hope you find your niche…whereever it may be. There are many running/fitness/volunteer organizations if those interest you! (All this from someone who also loves NJ and would move there in a hot second if given the opportunity.)
Several years ago we moved to a small conservative southern town for work and it was harrrrd the first couple of years. Our roles were a little flipped—it was my husbands job that brought us there and he grappled with a lot of guilt seeing how hard it was. I felt like I tried everything (volunteering, social clubs) and nothing stuck. It wasn’t until I started engaging with our local university that I found my people. University towns tend to have many liberal transplants so maybe try to look for events/speakers/etc that might be open to the community?
Oh also—check the COJ meetup list from a few years ago! It was a google spreadsheet with folks from all over. Maybe another COJer with similar values/worldview?
Hi! With you in solidarity. I moved from NYC to NC several years ago and for the first several months (years?) it felt like I’d lost an appendage or some semi-vital organ. Over the years, I’ve learned that the first six ish months of anything big and new just kind of sucks. Even if it’s something big and new and good! In the first six months, you’re a beginner, which is just downright HARD! Hang in there, you got this 💪
Hi from a non-religious, heavily sweary, very progressive toddler mom in Charlotte! I’ve lived here a long time and can totally see how it could feel insular and unapproachable to have just moved here in adulthood. No real advice but if you’d ever like to connect, my IG is abbyphealy!
Here to echo the advice to double down and commit to this new place. We moved to an NJ suburb in 2017 and it was not what I thought it would be. It took a while, three years for us to start finding our people, and then the pandemic happened and we felt isolated and back at square one. Slowly, we found our community. I went to book clubs and wine clubs and kids sports games and town meetings and the local dems meetings and forced my introverted self to make small talk. We got there and now I feel like we have a group. It’s not perfect, and I miss Brooklyn so so so much. But, I like the life we have here now. I think it’s normal to feel unsettled when you move as an adult with kids. It’s the discomfort of growth and tradeoffs that I think you don’t feel in the same way in your early adulthood when you have more paths available. I found that I had to stop looking at other paths I wished I tried and needed to just make this the path.
hi from AVL! The Asheville JCC has been such a great point of connection for my family here, and I’m hoping the Levine JCC would be similar in Charlotte. The preschool + the pool in the summer really helped solidify our community here in AVL, but it does take a while.
So surprised to hear this! I live in Charlotte, swear constantly, and am incredibly liberal and friends with lots of politically active people including judges and local Representatives. I also have young kids. So many people here are transplants like myself and I find it to be a very open-minded community generally speaking. I’m very involved in the local Jewish community and that helps – the Jewish community center here is amazing and has fantastic programming for both adults and families, and Temple Beth El is fantastic. Our kids go to a very liberal private school here and it’s also been a great way for us to meet like-minded parents and families. Maybe start volunteering with a local non-profit or political group that might connect you to some similar people? I will say, when we first moved here about 12 years ago, I remember getting coffee with one of my husband’s colleagues wives and after apologizing to her for saying “shit,” I remember immediately thinking that I could never be friends with someone who I felt I had to apologize for cursing in front of. And now that’s my new friendship gauge! I think moving anywhere is hard, but Charlotte is full of really amazing, funny, hilarious, liberal, irreverent women. Just keep looking out for us!
This is so beautiful, I read it twice. I’m going through the same process with my 12 year old and never thought of it like that: “difficult and awkward and not of immediate use.” My kid happens to be enjoying the process, which is slightly surprising and very beautiful. I love watching him go through it like I love like I love being Jewish.
What a beautiful and thoughtful look into such a special occasion and undertaking! In such a quickly moving society with ever shrinking attention spans and seemingly a “hack” for anything, it’s remarkable to see a young person dedicate themselves to a long-term process that has no short cuts, no easy wins. I often think about how young people, and even myself nowadays in my 30s, have so few needs to really dedicate themselves to something long term, to really persevere and struggle in order to succeed. It’s a beautiful thing.
Thank you CoJ for highlighting this momentous occasion!! She will be wonderful on her big day. My oldest daughter is in Hebrew school now and the synagogue she belongs to is so welcoming and makes the content engaging and exciting. She looks forward to going every week in a way I never did. I’m so proud of our temple for making the studying and learning both fun and community building. Until I lost someone very close to me, religion didn’t seem very important in my life. When I leaned into my Judaism, it gave me a real sense of purpose to do good in the world, be a member of the Jewish community, and carry on the traditions of my family.
Such a beautiful and open experience for all of you. Your words are moving. ..Many years ago I sponsored a young lady’s Mitzvah. I taught her quilt making. She created a quilted banner for a children’s hospital and volunteer in the ward for a period of time.
How wonderful!
Preparing for a performance while in puberty, this was not my favourite task. How awkward was my perm and blue eyeliner, my crazy knitted dress that I did not choose, a wallflower up on the bimah with all eyes and EARS on her! Happy I went through with it as the money that was gifted to me afforded me a trip to Italy to study printmaking that my family would not have been able to afford. Hard work pays off :)
This message resonated with me as someone at the start of a long journey towards my goal. The rewards are few and it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the doubts in my head. But I am trusting that the process will be as you say: “magically cumulative”. Mazal tov to your daughter, may she be radiant and proud on her special day!
What a beautiful essay and journey for you and your family. Love the articulation that this achievement comes with no short cuts or short term rewards – but there will be a lot of mazal tovs! And amazing, and heartening, to see this essay so openly and sweetly shared here in this rough time in the world.
❤️
I like how this religious tradition challenges the young adult to grapple with the experience in a multi-faceted way–through study, singing, deciding on what to talk about, crafting your own message and being called to put that study into practical use. Religious communities often reflect the wisdom of how to be a person, accumulated and refined through thousands of years of history. I love the Bible for that reason—the full range of crazy stories and the most psychologically aware book ever written.
Good luck to her! Chanting seems to be the way to go, for memorization reasons too! I had extreme stage fright at my Bat Mitzvah but managed to make it through eventually… earned the first standing ovation at a Bat/Bar Mitzvah I’d ever experienced. (I did not chant and had been in remedial Hebrew for a while, so…) She will be great!
love this! thank you for sharing and best of luck and good fortune to your daughter
Yes, basically learning a new language is incredible. The hardest part for me, integrating in my hub’s Catholic family, is making sure my daughter can still be a feminist and have her opinions and my son knows the majority of the world doesn’t think like Catholics. When Son got confirmed last year, my daughter was his sponsor, he asked me questions and I told him “both viewpoints,” and then after his confirmation my daughter fully moved to another church and bible study. I am told, at almost 18, that it’s a good thing she’s still going to any church. Fearful, I asked my son for the millionth time, “Confirmation is a choice. Did we pressure you?” And he said, “I chose it, don’t worry.”
Yikes. What did the Catholics do to you?
@ Olma, potentially something really horrific, given the track record of some of their leadership- and I say this as a practicing Catholic! Celeste, it sounds like you’ve navigated this very thoughtfully and openly with your children. I admire that.
I can so relate to this. My son is confirmed and chose it on his own. My very strong willed feminist daughter (14 going on 40) has chosen NOT to be confirmed and no longer comes with us to church. I grew up Catholic and remain somewhat reluctantly. My hubs is very Catholic and it’s very important to him but I also make sure my kids know the whole story and I find it very interesting that spiritually my son went one direction while my daughter another.
Even if she decides to not go to any church…she will be just fine – just like I was/am when I decided to stop going. It’s an ongoing journey. <3
@Kate Indeed and yet similarly in every other religion and branch of religion too. There is some dodgy (horrific) stuff in every single one of them that needs to be navigated by sane minds according to our time. To single out one over another is what I am questioning.
@Olma, I have to admit I did a double take and then laughed at your comment. I kept imagining your question echoing through 500 plus years of history, to Indigenous people all over the Americas. I actually love so much about contemporary Catholicism’s investment in actionable charity, but like…the answer to this question could be pretty intense. In Celeste’s case, it sounds like it’s about being hesitant to see your children integrated into a powerful (and powerfully patriarchal– they kind of wrote that playbook for the western world) institution. Celeste, I feel you– I feel the same, and am hesitant about any denomination of Christianity with my own kid.
Celeste – I highly encourage some deeper exploration into St Pope John Paul’s writings on women. I am a cradle Catholic, but am just now (at almost 40) diving deeper into specific Church teachings. I think there is a large majority of people who look at Catholic teachings from a secular, mainstream lens without actually diving deeper on their own. I can also say that I too have had hurtful experiences by those in church leadership who espouse extreme and rigid views. It has been so helpful to take the time to read the Catechism, Theology of the Body, the writings of the saints, etc. Ultimately, everyone has to chart their own course and I also struggle with shepherding our children’s hearts back to a God I wholeheartedly believe in while also knowing that it’s their choice to make in the end. I also think that in our particular parish, we are failing our children by “going through the motions” for sacramental preparation. There is room to adapt and evolve to meet children and families where they are at in this particular cultural moment. I love continuing to learn about other faith traditions and while I’ve never personally attended a bat/bar mitzvah, it does sound like a beautiful time to gather around and support young men and women.
Olma, I laughed at your response! I think we would be friends IRL. 90% of the time Catholicism or organized religion comes up in the comments or in progressive/more affluent circles, people jump in to caveat how bad and regressive the whole idea is. Fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it also feels like what people in progressive/more affluent circles should think–the received wisdom of their group. I’ll plant my flag as a practicing Catholic who loves, loves, loves the whole enterprise in its human and divine and flawed form. The Church doesn’t exist as a perfect institution for perfect people–not now and not ever. It is filled with people who, on some level, know that they are loved in their flawed selves and want to try and love the flawed people around them with the same free love they have received. If you wonder why people profess or practice a faith, sit down and ask them or try and see the joy and challenge and peace it adds to their lives.
Andrea, I love that you added “challenge” to the list of what organized religion can do, because I think a lot of people who don’t participate in religion don’t imagine that it IS really challenging to be a religious person! Maybe it’s somewhat analogous to what many Americans are feeling right now–they can’t just suddenly not be American, nor do they necessarily want to turn their back on it, but the way its values are being misinterpreted breaks their hearts. There’s also just the intellectual and emotional challenge of continuing to believe even when your beliefs are continually tested. It’s a lot of mental work- not the “crutch” that so many people think it is!! I was just thinking today how lonely I’d be if I didn’t belong to a community that meets, for better or worse, every single week in order to practice goodness and mercy. Religion is complex, but so so rewarding.
One of my good buddies studied feminist catholic thought at seminary. Really cool dude! I myself did a feminism and construction of gender minor at my tiny marianist university. I am queer, catholic, and deeply feminist. I think the thing that draws me to Catholicism besides it being the faith of my family is that it is possible to be a “bad” catholic, to rail against the existing traditions and interpretations (in a way not entirely dissimilar to Judaism), and that there are many things under the sun. There is lots of beautiful deeply meaningful catholic thought, and also a lot of awful conservative fuckheads who made me feel deeply unwelcome. The things that keep me coming back are that mass still feels transcendent to me, and my personal impetus to love as Jesus loved, to make the church and world a place for the lowly and broken and marginalized. My personal touchstones are Take This Bread by Sarah Miles (late in life Episcopalian, journalist, lesbian, radical food pantry advocate), the catholic workers’ movement and labor strikes, the works of Henri Nouwen (queer priest), more recent overtures from Popes Francis and Leo, and my own personal morality. I encourage you to read Walter Wick and Richard Rohr for a Catholicism that’s nonviolent, deeply spiritual, open to other religions and to science, and that encompasses the full range of human experience, but also the history of the church, feminist thought from Simone de Beauvoir to today, and more. I don’t believe faith should be uncritical or identical to someone else’s. Don’t let awful Catholics (for there are many) sour the experience of the church or push out those who want to be there.
Kelly, thank you so much for commenting and giving me a reading list. Peace be with you.
What a profoundly beautiful and intense process and commitment. Absolutely beautiful 🙏🏽❤️