Something Weird Happened Last Night
At 3 a.m., I sat straight up in bed…
Suddenly wide awake, I realized my heart was pounding, my mind racing. Our family has been going through some tough stuff behind the scenes (who isn’t?), and as I hurried from my bed to splash water on my face in the bathroom, and then back to my bed, and then to the window, and then basically in circles, I realized I was in the middle of a full-blown panic attack.
I grabbed my phone from the closet and dialed Freddie. “Jo?” he said, as if from a dream.
“I’M FREAKING OUT,” I said, my eyes wild and searching. “Will you ask me questions to calm me down?”
“Yes!” he replied, without skipping a beat. “What are your favorite fruits in fruit salad?” Now, as I write this, the question makes me laugh, but at the time, it felt like an absolute life raft.
“Cantalope,” I said. “Grocery stores put in too much, but I like some.”
“What else?” he asked. “Berries?”
“Strawberries, yes, but not raspberries.” I said. “Maybe apples? My mom puts in sliced banana, which is better than you’d expect.” Suddenly, my heart leapt back into my throat, and, while pacing around the bed, I raised my voice: “What else? Freddie, please ask me something else.”
“What’s Anton reading in school right now? A Raisin in the Sun?” he said. “What’s that about? Who are the characters?”
So, I told him about the 1959 play by Lorraine Hansberry about a family in Chicago. Then he asked me to walk him through my childhood house, and tell him the cultural differences I’ve observed on Love Is Blind: Italy. (I had THOUGHTS.) By the time we hung up, an hour later, I was back in my body and could breathe normally once again.
Today, while I work and pay bills and ferry my children to school and back, I keep thinking of Freddie, standing at the front of his classroom, explaining the American Revolution to his high school students, maybe sneaking in a yawn now and again, rubbing his dry eyes, preparing to return home to tend to his own two children at the end of the day. As I picture him, with salt and pepper hair, tired but steady, I realize that, somehow, “what fruits do you like in fruit salad” at 3 a.m. is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. This is love; what a gift.
Have you ever woken up like this? How do you calm yourself when your mind starts spiraling? Nothing like that has ever happened to me before!
P.S. An anxiety trick, and two fruit salad recipes. ;)
(Photo by Evan Dalen/Stocksy.)
Comments
100 commentsI had the most horrendous nocturnal panic attacks when I was pregnant and it happened every night for a few months. It was awful. I didn’t want to take drugs because it took me 4 IVF attempts and I didn’t want to risk messing anything up. Panic attacks were the hardest thing I ever experienced. I saw a therapist weekly which was a good check in but it wasn’t super helpful honestly. I just had to barrel through. i couldn’t sleep in the same bed with my wife because I felt so claustrophobic. I made a ton of pot holders during this time, I would pace and stand near the open window to feel the air. I would do the breathing exercises if I could manage to remain calm. yoga moves, you name it. One friend told me to tap my forehead. After my daughter was born the panic went away after a few weeks. I have yo think hormones had a part in it. Once in awhile I will feel the edges of a panic attack. That feeling and really the anticipatory anxiety was the real driving force. I have had a couple recently. I wake up with a start and pace and sweat and try to breathe. Do some random task think about someone else’s problem to distract. Now I think it’s perimenopause.
Ugh! The worst. It feels so scary and I’m glad you made it through. Is anyone else experiencing these during the day? Mine were mostly longed to the early morning hours, but recently I’m having moments during the day when I feel like my arms feel heavy and I’m floating. I’m getting tachycardia. It’s so intense! All my labs keep coming back fine so it’s also very confusing.
Yes, I have woken up in the middle of the night with a panic attack a few times. To calm down, I tell myself I’m having a panic attack and it will pass. Then I watch old Cohan O’Brien remotes until I calm down.
This works for me every. single. time: Name, out loud, the following: 5 things you can see 4 things you can feel 3 things you can hear 2 things you can smel 1 thing you can taste Truly always works to settle me down from a panic attack.
What a fabulous fix… I wish I had thought of this when I experienced the mother of all panic attacks… instead I convinced myself I couldn’t swallow or breathe, until my partner reminded me i was doing both on a regular basis! That was a gift i gave myself on the few occasions i sensed the panic rising within me again many months later… you are breathing, you are alive…
I have been having panic attacks almost every single night for months, in anticipation of baby #3. In the light of day, I am excited. In the middle of the night, I am terrified by our choice. It’s awful. I’ve started meds but I also have found a full body, incredibly tight spoon hug from my husband, whilst he reassures me nothing is actually wrong, is what stabilizes me.
Oh and i should mention anothre thing that helps — may moons ago before i found my partner, i had panic attacks and would call my sister. she would start singing old black spirituals (we are neither black, nor christian) and it worked like a charm! Partly because you can’t hyper ventilate when you are singing – it forces you to realize you are, indeed, breathing – but also because it’s tremendous perspective. If people can find light in the darkness of slavery and injustice, I can find light in my own circumstance. For starters, I recommend: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Michael, Row the Boat Ashore; Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen. Try It!
So glad you had a good partner to turn to in that moment! I’ve been there, and it suuuuuuucks. Things that have helped me: therapy, Lexapro, Warhead candies to eat during a panic attack (I kept panicking while driving), somatic movement, Rescue Remedy patilles, peppermint essential oil. Do whatever works, be gentle with yourself. A big thing for me has been admitting when I’m struggling and letting myself ask for help.
Can you say more about somatic movement?
jumping jacks until the adrenaline leaves your body
When my mom was dying I was dating my now husband. One particularly bad night, I awake to a panic attack and he got up with me. I asked him to explain to me how trees and plants know when to stop growing. I’ll never forget it.
I have not ever experienced a panic attack but if I did, I would want someone to calm me exactly the way Freddie did. He sounds like a gem.
This post made me tear up, love how Freddie was there for you! I know I’m late but I so would love to hear the thoughts on Love is Blind: Italy!
Awww this is so beautiful, Jo! Thank you for sharing. Freddie sounds like such an amazing guy and I’m SO happy for you! [On a related note about the anxiety: Around this time last year, I started having those same, out of body “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?” feelings — of anxiety, dread, anger, despair. My husband recognized I wasn’t myself too. With his encouragement (bless his heart, he even, without me knowing, joined me in looking up doctors via the Menopause Society), I found a hormone specialist and started HRT in March. It was absolutely the best thing I’ve done in my adult life. I feel like a different person, my marriage is in such a healthy place, and I’m coasting through this holiday season, feeling less stressed than I ever have (and that’s saying something b/c the back half of this year has been full of hardships for family and friends). All that to say, if this keeps happening, maybe think about HRT if you’re not already on it?! I feel like Oprah, wanting to give it to all my girlfriends instead of a car! (Because the ones who’ve taken me up on the rec are experiencing similar amazing results!)
agree this sounds like perimenopause talk to your gyn if having sleep disturbances, mood changes etc
Gail, I could not second this more! HRT is the most impactful thing I have ever done for my health. I am a similar evangelist. ❤️
Yes! Perimenopause for sure. I wish we had been warned about things other than mood swings and hot flashes! I’ve been having tachycardia in the mornings and it is so scary. Also, I think my gallbladder is about to shoot craps on me. If anyone has any info/knowledge on biliary dyskinesia, I’d love to hear!
I started having panic attacks about three years ago. With the first one, I thought I was having a heart attack and all I could think was that I would orphan my children (not exactly calming at the time). My husband got down on the floor with me and told me what was actually happening. He asked me to name five things I can see, hear, feel, smell, taste. When we got to taste, we were both like “what?!” and I was crying and half-giggling by then. On my next one, I was by myself in the car, so I went back to the five things and pictured him again on the floor with me. I’m so happy that you have someone to calm you down and more importantly, that you were strong enough to ask for help.
Melting (like everyone) over Freddie’s incredible response. What a gift y’all are to each other. I’ve seen so many helpful tips in the comments! And doing what you did (a distract/grounding exercise) is really helpful. And in case anyone needs to hear it: no one has ever died from a panic attack!!! When you’re hyperventilating, you are actually taking in a lot of air (despite it feeling like you are drowning). I also want to pipe in and mention that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based psychological treatment for panic disorder.
Ok, sure, I am 8 1/2 months pregnant, but this made me CRY. It’s so nice to love and be loved.
This is beautiful how Freddie responded and cared for you right away, even when woken up from being asleep. I’m so glad you each have each the other.
I see I’m not the first one to make this comment, but perimenopause and menopause can be a big culprit of these middle of the night panic attacks. I started having them in my mid-40’s and it took a few years, tons of online research and being dismissed by many a doctor before a lovely nurse practitioner showed me the list of menopause symptoms and THERE IT WAS! Just a major cortisol dump that starts happening during perimenopause. Gotta love it. I got myself on some estrogen and that made them go away. I occasionally still get them in the middle of the day and my doctor prescribed propranolol, which is used a lot for stage fright, but really gets your heart to stop racing. Good luck! Sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time. Hang in there.
I LOVE this post, and all of the comments are so kind and helpful. I used to suffer horrible late-night panic attacks and the only relief at 3 am came in the form of binge shopping online. Shout out to the manager at my local Anthropologie who accepted my sad reason for weekly piles of returns without blinking an eye. Grateful to have found my own Freddie since then ;)
I read this post last night and have been thinking about it a lot. Freddy’s response was so sweet but what I notice is that Jo *knew what she needed and asked for it* “I’M FREAKING OUT,” I said, my eyes wild and searching. “Will you ask me questions to calm me down?” YAY TO YOU, JO -! You have a solid partner but more importantly – you know yourself. xx
giving up sleep for another and such entering in – love, indeed <3
What a treasure trove of insight and excellent tips! TIL peri-menopause can be the cause of panic attacks! who knew. So many other helpful suggestions. Thank you all!
Oh Jo, big, gentle, warm hugs. I’ve been there. (I commented below that I suspect this may be related to perimenopause, and what has helped me so much with these issues). I just wanted to say so many things are hard right now, one year into one of the worst periods of American history. It’s a wonder any of us are functioning right now. And then add in the many stressors of the mid life woman, a most resilient creature, but also one most likely at THE END OF HER GD ROPE. Children, teens, almost adults, aging parents, looming thoughts of our own aging selves, the existential mental burden of OMG, THIS IS REALLY MY LIFE, IS THIS REALLY HOW I’M GOING TO SPEND MY ONE PRECIOUS LIFE?? (Not just me right??). The pressure to somehow hold up the world, AND make the holidays magical!! It’s a lot. No wonder some cracks are showing. Take all the love in these comments and wrap them like a soft blanket and let yourself rest for a moment. Somehow things will probably be ok. And if they aren’t, you are strong enough and have enough love surrounding you to weather the storm.
Joanna, I used to struggle with anxiety and panic attacks too. What helped me turn a corner was meditating for just ten minutes a day. Before I knew it—poof—they stopped showing up, and it’s been years now. I started with the Headspace app because it’s super beginner-friendly, but these days I just sit and do it on my own. As a bonus, I even stopped snapping at my family when I get overwhelmed. Another thing that really helped whenever I felt anxiety creeping in was grounding myself by repeating to myself “RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW” and paying attention to whatever my senses were picking up. Is it warm or chilly? How do my pajamas feel on my skin? What sounds are in the room? That little reset usually calms my brain and reminds me that I’m safe.
I’m sorry things are hard right now, and glad you have love surrounding you. The 3:00 am anxiety is real ❤️
This story makes me simultaneously sad for you that you are going through a rough time but also happy for you that you found someone that knows immediately what to do to help you, this is such a gift <3
Dear Jo, I feel you. We have been going through a very tough time in our family and I have started taking an antidepressant/anti-anxiety rx (Zoloft) for the first time ever (I’m 38 years). I revisited your post about taking Citalopram which was very helpful for me and was wondering if you are still on it? Thank you for destigmatizing mental health issues, you are helping so many of us by being so open. <3
yes I’m still on it! somehow this panic attack broke through :)
just piping to say that post helped me realize i needed medication to help me too! the thoughts you wrote out helped me to see my own thoughts as ones signifying something was up and it wasnt just me. thanks for writing stuff like this, and normalizing it.
Peppermint! I bought this roll on peppermint oil from Whole Foods a few years back after getting in a car accident and finding myself scared to drive again. I also have a lavender one, but the peppermint smell is so calming when I get in a panicked state of mind. I love all these suggestions.
Joanna, It may be life, but it is very likely also perimenopause. There are options you can look into…. Just saying with care from someone who’s been there…
thank you so much xoxo
This is my thought as well. My heart went off the rails during perimenopause, age 48 to be exact. My heart would start pounding, racing, feeling like SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING. Long story short, it’s hormones. When our heart does this, it actually triggers anxiety and panic (instead of the other way around). The fix for me had been multifaceted. Understanding – 1. My heart is just fine (I’ve had an the tests) 2. This is just a thing that happens, how HUMAN. Therapy to help me cope with one landslide in my life after another, so baseline anxiety is under control. Meds – i take hydroxyzine, an antihistamine prescribed to me for MCAS, comorbid of my hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, but happily, it decreases anxiety and physical manifestations of anxiety and MAKES ME SLEEP WELL. Exercise, each and every day – calming/ focusing balance work, running to wear out the wiggles and kick the endorphins up, weights to force me to slow, breathe, engage with my body. And HRT. I take the pill, use estrogen patches and vaginal cream. It has helped my overall anxiety and the heart issues tremendously. I hope something here helps someone out there struggling.
yes agree!! came to the comments to make sure to look into HRT!!
It is *amazing* that you knew what kind of support to ask for! That’s a win in a really hard moment.
Joanna, my LOVE that I have never met. I have followed every inch of your journey since 2009 and I am SO HAPPY for you to have found a person that will hold your heart in their hands with such care. My husband is exactly the same way and he is such a treasure. I found him later in life, but my only regret is that we don’t have more than a lifetime. We are having our own struggles at the moment, with IVF and making the move to another country, but having a safe harbor makes any difficulty in life bearable. Everything is insane at the moment in this world and I hope you find the peace you need in this season of trouble.
what a beautiful comment, thank you so much, jac. wishing you strength and love during these next chapters xoxoxoxo
During a tough season years ago, I woke at precisely 3AM on the dot every single night for a solid YEAR. It got so that I both longed for bedtime to sleep and escape my circumstances, while also dreading bedtime because I knew I would be awake at 3AM. Getting out of bed and turning on any light at all was a disaster. After some trial and error, three things helped immensely: 1. A small heating pad (one that shuts off automatically after two hours) under my middle back that felt cozy and comforting. It helped me go to sleep initially, and I simply clicked it back on when I woke up. 2. Planning ahead with a specific podcast episode ready to go at a low volume (with a sleep timer for 30 minutes) that reminded me of my faith and that all was not lost and I was not devoid of hope. I use wired headphones so I would put one earbud in, hit play, and listen until I drifted back to sleep. I realized that it actually only took me 15 minutes to fall asleep, though it felt like hours upon hours. That reality of time helped ground me. 3. Understanding how to support my body. I learned that the liver is doing its hardest work between 1-3AM, and the liver is the seat of anger which can also be rage, aggression, bitterness. I needed to process my emotions honestly so they weren’t bottled up, work thru forgiveness, and support my liver with things like bitters, dandelion tea, and milk thistle. Keeping a small Contigo next to my bed of tea I made earlier in the evening gave me a grounding activity to do that didn’t involve getting out of bed. I learned that I needed to not swing my legs over the side of the bed because it sent me into action mode at the wrong time. Sitting up slightly, just enough to sip some tea, was just right. Hoping these tips help someone!
Kim, thank you for these concrete tips!
You can get Bluetooth headbands with headphones in that are comfortable to sleep in. He uses those while I play vintage radio plays or audiobooks. Something you know the story of so you’re not staying awake to listen, but something that won’t drive you insane to listen to repeatedly.
I used to have panic attacks that I eventually realized were caused by eating gluten. I was diagnosed with celiac disease and since eating gluten free I no longer have panic attacks.
Joanna, sending hugs. These supplements helped- for fast relief- Rescue Remedy (any form), GABA, L- Theanine. For maintenance- Magnesium Glycinate, Vitamin B Complex (Jarrow Formula). Ashwagandha works wonders with stress relief. Since you take medications, please do consult your doctor before taking any of it ( don’t want anything bad to happen to you). Also, I absolutely recommend Homeopathy remedies. Xx.
thank you!! xo
Sorry for your difficult time. I am in a bit of a dark patch too right now and sending you light and love. What a precious human being Freddie is…so glad you found each other. Hoping everything settles down for you soon. Hard patches are hard and then the holidays add an extra layer of stress, anxiety and hardness to the already hard thing. Take Tender Care (as your mom would say).
I was sued a couple years ago for a lot of money and discovered AnxioCalm by Terry Naturally. Doesn’t seem like it could do much but I found it really helped me. Strong chamomile tea is also truly helpful. Try it first thing in the morning – it won’t make you sleepy, it is just tremendously soothing. https://www.terrynaturallyvitamins.com/anxiocalm
This was so helpful to read. My partner gets panic attacks and I do not, and often feel like I don’t do anything right to help him, Reading these comments have given me ideas, and I will ask random questions too!
My partner began having debilitating panic attacks in 2024. It took nearly a year of exploring different therapies, techniques and medications to come out the other side of that dark tunnel. Hang in there. It’s hard on you, too. I see you. But this can and will pass onto the next season of life, hopefully with some relief for you both. Sending you hope and love and courage!
Welcome to another fun symptom of Perimenopause! I had my first panic attack earlier this year in the middle of the night as well. Scariest thing ever. I was sitting alone in our extra bedroom trying to calm down and my husband came in with his phone googling Perimenopause and Anxiety and he said this is normal. You are ok. Him doing that helped me so much.
It happens to me if I overeat and go to bed with a too full stomach. I take a spoonful of bitters then make a chamomile tea and meditate to find out what woke me – but it’s almost always digestive, in my case…when it’s not, a good meditation helps me return to center. I’ll usually pray as well and if it’s really bad I’ll read a chapter in the Bible, just wherever I left off.
As I read this I was so happy for you that you have him to help you through a panic attack. They are awful, but what grace and kindness he showed. I’m so happy you found him and that you can navigate the hard stuff together.
My husband suffers from panic attacks during nights, shaking, persuaded of heart-attack and crying. It is breaking my heart every time. They say – lay down on the floor, the cushion under your butt, legs up (leaning against the wall) and hug yourself with your hands. That helps. Also myo-inositol (B8) before sleep helps a lot.
Young professional living alone in New York City. I woke up at 2 am with incredible stomach pain and debated going to the hospital for an hour, at which point I started throwing up. I called my mom (she has trouble sleeping and actually picked up the phone). She talked to me and was with me in my pain. It ended up being food poisoning and I felt better after about an hour, but she stayed with me during that time until it was clear I didn’t need medical help and felt well enough to sleep. Having loved ones who care about us enough to be with us in our fear and panic and pain is such a gift. Similarly, I remember a college roommate and close friend waking me up when she had a nightmare to ask if she could come into my bed and cuddle and sleep there. I feel so lucky to be able to love and be loved so openly, and this post is making me remember a lot of the times I have reached out to others or been reached out to in our extremities.
LOVE this, seconding the usefulness of ice for reining in a panic attack, and grateful for your openness, jo. grateful too for those who have illuminated the possible connection to perimenopause. but i am shocked — SHOCKED i tell you: no raspberries in fruit salad?! at all??? : )
This made me cry, because my family is going through some tough stuff behind the scenes too, and because I was feeling short on tricks to help my partner through similar anxiety-driven episodes recently. This post is a gift that just might help me help him keep him inhabiting his body as well. Random questions to distract…what a lovely idea. Absolutely romantic when someone shows up for you in exactly the way you need them to.
Thank you for sharing this with us, you will have helped so many people. Freddie is divine, such love. I feel we all need a Freddie in our lives. X
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and also ME TOO. I don’t have anyone to call at 3am, so I will listen to a podcast or a book on tape, or pray the rosary. I am not in any way pushing my faith tradition on anyone please understand, it’s just the repetition, holding something in my hands keeps them still, knowing the words by heart such that I don’t have to think about them fully, but enough that I can’t keep spiraling. Many traditions have some time of prayer bead, worry bead, meditative practice that isn’t exactly meditation – I could never get that down despite many attempts, I needed something a bit more guided and repetitive. I’m grateful for all the suggestions here too.
Yes, I also find prayer or prayer-adjacent rituals to be very grounding. It can be as simple as asking God (or an ancestor) to watch over me. I wrote about this for the NYT last year– https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/01/opinion/prayer-god-religion.html
Sending you and the fam big hugs, Jo. Hope things turn around quickly.
Lifetime “out of nowhere” – from childhood – panic attack sufferer here, including middle of the night attacks (until about 5 years ago when low dose lexapro and therapy seems to have solved the issue for me). Until things finally got under control, what worked best for me was doing EXACTLY what you did – call someone who won’t make a big deal about things and have random conversations about anything. I’ve been through every type of anxiety/panic issue you can think of – horrible when you’re going through it, but you’ll always come out of it – promise! So many great tips here and I highly recommend therapy with someone specialized in anxiety if you feel like you want to go that route. My therapist was fabulous in terms of the cognitive-behavioral aspect and addressing the most pressing underlying issues.
this is love!
Marry that man now!
That is the sweetest thing! If Freddie is ever not available, do what I do: have the BBC app on your phone (or maybe your public radio station streams BBC in the middle of the night). It’s just enough to hold your attention away from your worries, but still boring and soothing so you can go back to sleep. Also, there’s something both biological and spiritual about waking up at that hour — the Benedictines say a prayer called “vigils” at that time, keeping watch over their worries.
Hello, I don’t know if this will work for you or not, but I have gotten panic attacks before. Luckily, I haven’t had any for a while, but when I did, the thing that helped me was to realize and say to myself “This is just a panic attack. Everything is ok. My body and mind are fine. This is just a panic attack.” The fear for me was that I was losing my mind. I felt crazy. So as soon as I could convince myself it was just a panic attack, it would start to melt away. If for you, the fear is that you are having a heart attack or some other serious medical condition, then maybe reminding yourself that your body is ok, you are not dying, that could help.
I am teary?
My other half was really unwell recently, and we were both awake in the middle of the night waiting for the painkillers to kick in. She said ‘just tell me things’, so I told her a story I’d seen on instagram about Jane Fonda scaring a bear away from her granddaughters cot (actually true, told by Ms Fonda herself). Eventually she went back to sleep. Next morning she asked me, in a tone of wonder ‘Who is Jane Fonda?’ and we both laughed until we cried.
Thanks for the laugh Marguerite. This is really lovely!
And the entire world fell (even more) in love with this human.
Clocking in for my shift as a Freddie Stan Account ♥️ Any Gen Zers here know how to make a Freddie fancam? (Kidding!) (Mostly hehe)
I’m happily married, but is it just me or are we all in love with Freddie?
Also happily married and yep, we all are just a little bit. I think we’re in love with seeing someone love Jo the way we all would want for any of our friends!
Here here!
Okay, this is a very practical approach to dealing with wide-awake moments in the ‘wee sma’ hours’ but one that has helped me: I take Natural Vitality CALM magnesium powder drink mix (from Walmart) before bed, and try to spend 10-15 minutes lying on my acupressure mat. Somehow lying on plastic spikes really seems to help me unwind?!? For what it’s worth, I recently started taking an adrenal support herbal blend that has also helped immensely. The first time I took it, calm washed over me instantly. It was like getting a hug from a tincture…. (I also use a topical progesterone cream, which incidentally has helped with anxiety, even though that’s not its intended purpose. If you have bad pms, get your progesterone levels tested asap!)
Ah, ‘wee sma’ hours’ – Emily of New Moon? Love.
Yes, LM Montgomery vibes! I thought immediately of Anne!
Calling someone you trust is a good instinct. Therapy and journaling have helped me reduce the panic attacks I have experienced while freeway driving. Because it is coming from somewhere, even though it feels like “sudden” panic. Just know that you have everything you need within you. The sensations are awful but they are temporary. When I feel the ick rising, I locate it inside my body and breathe gently into it there. I feel it losing its power. Take care of yourself!
I was awake last night as well. My young adult daughter and her boyfriend lost a close friend in an car accident last night. Her boyfriend saw the aftermath and watched his friend die. How do I comfort her as she tries to comfort him? I don’t have answers.
Oh Traci, as a fellow mom and human am so sorry. This sound like it feels fraught and there’s no right answer. Less concretely – you are her mom, you love her and know her, and you will get a feel for when it is helping. More concretely – continue to be a safe and soft place for her and her feelings to land, ask questions to try and understand, maybe volunteer to bring food or send a gift card for getting food, above all being her mom who is available to list and support her genuinely does make a difference and matter.
In the immediate aftermath of trauma, studies show that playing the video game Tetris (or a similar one, like 368 Chickens) helps the brain process. Not just giving the brain something else to do… it literally helps the brain do something with the way it stores the traumatic thoughts and memories. Give it a try and big hugs for the long path ahead
Oh Traci, I’m so sorry. Tell them that whatever they’re feeling is the right feeling to feel at the moment–there is no right or wrong way to move through this. Give your daughter space to talk about why this is so hard for her, away from the space in which she is caring for her boyfriend. Promise them that, one day, this will not be the first thing they think about when they open their eyes. Also, tell them that when they realize it wasn’t that this will also be hard but it’s all part of moving through this. Tell them that it sucks, period. It sucks in the colloquial sense but also in the physical sense.
oh, i am so very sorry to hear this. heartbreaking. somewhat similar to the tetris suggestion, what i’ve found helpful when dealing with my own traumatic events and memories is to help myself “be” in my body: moving, touching, running, throwing rocks, anything physical really seems to help the trauma move up, around, and out. animals do this in the wild, they say, after close encounters with death. and aren’t we all just tender living creatures. hugs to all.
I think the Tetris thing is within 24hrs of the trauma. As someone said, letting her talk about how she feels is helpful. And showing that it’s ok for her to be mad at him or bored or whatever and letting her leave those emotions with you, so she can support him with less guilt.
Joanna, I hope peace comes to you. I am sorry about this difficult time. You are clearly a brave personl
I sometimes wake in a panic after being asleep for an hour, so I empathise. I have a picture album on my phone named “Breathe” which has calming photos, like beautiful landscapes and also a couple of gifs that you can sync your breathing to. I find this helps me calm down and also doing breathing exercises. I read recently that you need to fully exhale before you can take an deep inhale and I’ve found that really helpful when I struggling with shallow breath.
Oh my Joanna, I’m so glad that you have Freddie on overnight speed dial. He’s a true prince. I have had a very hard few years and it all piles on at bedtime. A woman named Kathryn Nicolai has saved me night after night with her beautiful podcast, Nothing Much Happens. I’d recommend it to anyone who needs to sink into a calming world of fruit-salad-like zen.
Same here, I listen to it so often that sometimes just saying the opening words in my mind is enough for me to fall asleep. can’t recommend it enough
Queen of Anxiety here, plus a racing heart condition (without a Freddie lol )…. but what does work, extremely well, for both, is icy cold compresses to the face and head. Also, when you’re ice-less, I am a fan of brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, applying moisturizer. When you feel abnormal, do normal things.
I thought you were going to say, ‘I was having a hot flash’ which is accompanied by anxiety for me. This is what wakes me up at 3AM. He’s a keeper.
I think it’s probably related. Not that the things you’re worried about aren’t real, Joanna, but the 3 am wake-up is standard perimenopause fare, right? Something about a drop in estrogen or a rise in cortisol right about that time every night. I was really struggling with this for a while and two things have helped: (1) going back on birth control; and (2) taking magnesium glycinate with ashwaganda before bed. THey may not work forever but grateful for the relief they’ve given me over the last year. Hang in there, friends.
I was going to say the same thing…3 AM wakeups were standard for me until I started HRT. But I am so sorry for the other behind the scenes stressors in your life right now too, Joanna.
On my way to work this morning I drove by a middle school. There were about 20 kids with their teachers outside along the sidewalk holding up signs that said “you are enough” and honk if you’re happy. I honked, mostly to cheer them on, as I’m not 100% happy myself. But it brought tears to my eyes, and it did make me happy – to see these kids, excited to be spreading this word, and hopefully taking it to heart themselves. I’ll remember it when I get into a panic – that we’re not alone and that there are kids out there rooting for us.
Yep. Probably once a week. Not full scale-panic-attack-level but definitely panicky-ish. Middle-aged motherhood in America. Oof.
As someone who deals with constant anxiety (multiple panic attacks a week, along with tons of generalized anxiety, hurray) here are two proven methods: 1. Touch ice. Just go in the kitchen, fill a glass with very icy water and plunge your hand in. The change in temperature helps regulate your nervous system. I love this because it works *fast* when you are really in desperate straits. 2. The dark cloud/light cloud technique. Imagine a dark cloud inside your brain or body, wherever you feel the panic attack the most. Take long slow breaths, breathing out for longer than you breathe in. On each inhalation, imagine you are sucking in beautiful soft white cloud, and for each exhalation, imagine you are pushing out that nasty black cloud. Do this until all you have left inside you is the white cloud.
Oh, that’s wonderful technique (the clouds). Must try. Thank you!
I love that you asked for help, and I love that Freddie knew exactly what to say.
What a man ! <3
Steadiness is such a gift. Thank you, Freddie! Reminds me of a time shortly before my partner and I moved in together… there had been a car idling outside of my apartment (1 hour, 2 hours??) right as I was winding down to sleep. But reader, I could not wind down with this mystery car in front of my house on a quiet side street! Called my partner who was getting ready for bed himself, but got ready to drive to my place as soon as I called. Didn’t make me feel weird about it, didn’t dismiss my concerns, he just wanted me to feel safe. Right as he was about to leave, my neighbor texted – they left their car running out front and completely forgot about it. I had texted them earlier to see if they knew anything and said no, but I was relieved to hear of their mistake. Crisis averted, but my gratitude for my partner taking quick action remains :)