On Being an Only Child

Nothing has made me wonder, “what if” quite so much as being an only child.

I love being an only child! It’s been so fun to read all of the comments on this topic, especially the ones who’ve had experiences where folks are surprised to find out you’re an only (spoiler: children with siblings can be spoiled, too!), and the ones who found themselves most comfortable with adults than with other kids their own age. I have never felt like my life was less than because I didn’t have siblings. My significant other is 1 of 4 and I am equally fascinated and appalled by some of the sibling interactions. My background is in psychology, so I can’t help but watch their interactions with an analytical mind…while also comparing it to my only child behavior (that I’m sure my in-laws find just as strange). I’m nearly 40 now and as I am watching my parents age, I am terrified of what life will be like without them. We are a unit of 3. I oftentimes think if I would want someone to share the grief of my aging parents with, but it’s too much of a foreign concept (sharing with siblings) to truly dwell on. I have wonderful friends and the best significant other who will help me through this stage of life…just as my friends and loved ones have helped me through every other stage of life. I may not have siblings, but I have friends who I’ve chosen to be my family. I love being an only child and I also know family is a much broader concept than biology.

I am an only child and was incredibly lonely. I grew up in a rural area, and my only real friends after school and in the summer were my grandma (who lived across the road) and my pets. I wanted to have 2 kids, but I got a divorce when my daughter was 3, so I’ll probably just have one child. I have to remind myself that her childhood is VERY different from mine. I live in an urban area with a ton of kids in our neighborhood and my daughter goes to after-school and summer care with kids her age. She has a lot of socialization and won’t experience loneliness like I did. I still have grief about not having more kids, but I’m happy to be an only child parent and give her more opportunities than I could give 2 kids.

I loved reading the experiences of fellow only children close to my age. I have actually always really enjoyed being an only child, and while there were times (high school) when I thought having an older brother could be cool, I never truly wanted siblings. Maybe growing up with lots of cousins and friends helped. Even now in my 40s with aging parents, I still don’t want siblings even though I know all their care will fall squarely on me. To be honest, after seeing my parents experience drama with their own siblings (mom is oldest of 10, dad is oldest of 4), I’m grateful there will be no one to fight with over a will. Maybe my tune will change when I’m the last man standing in our trio. I guess we’ll see. The irony of being (and enjoying it) an only child, is I now have five children – and experience which I equally love. Based on sibling relationships I’ve seen, I work really hard to nurture their relationships with one another because I want them to be each other’s ride-or-dies. I reflect in this juxtaposition often as I know there is something deeper at play… I’m just not sure what it is.

“As long as everyone’s happy, keep your eyes on your own paper.” This is my new life mantra!! So well said Marissa.

I have an only child, not by choice, but it’s the absolute perfect fit for us. Mandy Ruggeri is a journalist who’s done a lot of great deep dives into only children if anyone wants to read the ways she dispels stereotypes about onlys.

I grew up an Only and was the only one like me I knew. Fast forward to today…my husband and I decided to have one child because we knew we could give one so much more. And NOW we have SO many friends who have decided to have one. We are now creating brothers/sisters with those friends and it is really beautiful. It’s really *NOT* just having one….if community is important you will create that for your family.

I have a LOT of thoughts, being a semi-only with a much older half bro who was living overseas with his dad by the time I was born. Effectively I always considered myself an only child. I get along fine with my bro, but it’s more a formality than a relationship. We send each other memes occasionally. What’s struck me reading this is that it didn’t seem “weird” to me growing up as an only child—I had a lot of other family weirdness that culminated in being raised by a single dad, which was MUCH weirder by comparison (at least at that time). Ready to chime in on that post, CoJ! 😂 But now I’m racking my brain and realizing I don’t think I know another only child! At least within my circle; I’m sure there must have been a classmate or two. But all of my besties from elementary-on had siblings (most had multiple!). All of my (not many tbf) boyfriends. All of my roommates. All of my coworkers. Is it that I’ve gravitated to the opposite (maybe more normal version) of my experience? Or is it really that uncommon?

I had two sibling both much older than me, so it was more like having 4 parents (barf). They were out of the house as adults while I was still in elementary school, so I got a bit of the only child experience in that way. I absolutely LOVED it – it was so freeing to just be my whole self without a sibling chiming in with commentary or snark or judgement. I chose to have a family with one child and I hope she feels as free as I did. Also I love my siblings very much, just for the record haha!

Does anyone else have this icky feeling when people use the phrase „give your (only) child a sibling/playmate“ „additional caregiver for later“ „don’t you want a son/daughter as weln…? It’s a bit in the line being „the spare in the royal family“ (or extra helping hands on a farm, or a quiverfull of children) – if you love to have more kids, great! But having kids so they fulfill a role.. And of course children ask for a baby brother/sister (also those with siblings do), but they also ask for puppies, ponies and castles, unless YOU really want them don’t feel obligated. It’s bringing a mew human life into the world

I am an only child. The biggest problem I faced was convincing my older brother of that status.

I have an older brother, in our sixties, parents both deceased. He has an aquired disability such that he needs some help with his life. Who else would help him, holding his best interests foremost? He lives with his cat in an apartment that he owns, with nice neighbours. Without family to protect him from the unscrupulous, he would be destitute. The public systems that exist to protect the vulnerable do not seem to be fit for purpose.

I always said being an only kid was easy, but being an only adult is hard. I wish I had someone to ask “do you remember Dad being this way?” Things like that. My friends with siblings always seemed one step ahead of me too, in terms of social knowledge. Siblings force you to learn boundaries at an early age. I’ve had to learn it the hard way!

Thank you so much for this post! I have a 20 month old and I thought I’d want to giver her a sibling because I love my sister, but I have just had a strong sense since giving birth that I was done. I’m also 42 and exhausted and just so happy with what I have. I am not convinced I would be my best self mental health wise to go through the whole process of trying to conceive, having a “geriatric” pregnancy, and then the newborn stage with a toddler. We already give so, so, so much. We don’t owe our child a sibling if it’ll sacrifice them having a present, engaged parent.

I loved being an only child, I had my parents attention and played alone using imagination. I was advanced in school with strengths in reading and vocabulary etc I belive being surrounded by adults helped foster this. We were a strong unit of 3. When my dad was ill it was just my mother and I making decisions together. It is difficult however taking care of my mother alone now, especially with my own health issues . Another thing I’d like to mention is that I did not miss sibling rivalry and competing for attention, I believe that is a positive thing! I only learned to be competitive with myself, it has made me strive for perfection in my own pursuits. I did not have children but if I had done so I would have chosen to have an only!

I know I want a very large family and doing a ton of egg freezing now to prep for it. To me it seems such a small price to pay for the family I want. My parents were each 1 of 6 so it seems normal to me! I don’t talk to my sibling and there are no guarantees how my kids will relate to each other. My parents siblings also have spread out lives. I grew up with 1 sister and always thought it was too little. We are close in age and lots of shared memories but drifted apart the minute I went to college. I have always dreamed of a large “tribe”. Where I come from small-tiny families are now the norm. These days few people have more than 1 kid! most prefer to spoil one child fully than to be split between 2.

I’m an only, and my husband is an only – and we have an only! My mom always said, “we had the perfect kid the first time around, why would we ruin it with a second?” We always thought we’d have many kids! a big busy house! Once we had our son neither of us wanted any more than just him. We made the perfect kid the first time :) Finances in a larger city certainly factor in, but we also both realize that we treasure our alone time which just wouldn’t be possible with more kids either. We get to have the adventure, all the love, and have capacity for more of everything else too.

Just another overall happy only child who has a overall happy only child chiming in to say I love this post, am struck by consistencies in the comments—how many of us grew-up hearing people were surprised to learn we were kind/social/normal! yikes. And how many of us feel the struggle as we age thinking about our parents passing, being their only caretakers, etc. I will say, like many here, I have a truly incredible group of friends from both high school and college, both of which are groups I really led ‘pulling together’. (Oh XYZ from Chemistry class, you would LOVE my friend XYZ from Girl Scouts!) I didn’t contribute that to my only-childness, being that glue, but it must have contributed. And I’ve watched my daughter become the social glue between some lovely friends she’s made, which is so great. Anyway, with those groups of women who are now my adult friends, I was once honest about my struggles watching my parents age as an only, and for the first time in my life wishing I had siblings to share in the memories of my parents, to help with end-of-life care. It was the first time I ever shared with them some of my worries not having sibling. They all do. And it really struck me how incredible receptive and supportive those groups of friends were. My high school friends hold so many memories of my family growing up. My college friends offered to help when the time comes best they can. Again they all have siblings and then opened up about their own worries about their parents’ end of life care, where issues between some siblings were present, or just geography naturally will put more stress on one sibling than the other, etc. It made me realize how much end-of-life care in the United States, much like childcare, is such a broken system where individuals have to stretch themselves so thin to try and make peoples end of life dignified. How I wish for a more humane system of care in this country where we weren’t individually staring at our bank accounts hoping we can afford dignified hospice care etc. for the people we love. It’s all not so rosy, but as I write this stream-of-consciousness comment, I think what I’m trying to get at is 1) just because we are ‘onlies’ doesn’t mean we have to go at it alone. Many of us it seems have great friends who might be willing to help more than we think. 2) Having a sibling might not fix some of this stress we feel in our parents aging. 3) Aging parents is so stressful these days. Also as I age – I’ve found it SO interesting that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve made some really special friendships with other onlies. We make jokes about retiring somewhere together if we ever feel lonely, but under those jokes I think we mean it. And I love that I get to share all of this with my daughter. I really know what it’s like. And that’s not to say you don’t pine for a sibling sometimes (though for me personally, I really just wanted an older brother to help find me potential boyfriends in high school ;) ) or its all perfect. But there are so many gifts. I’m watching her imagination explode and her relationship with alone time develop so beautifully, gifts I still use from my own childhood as a filmmaker and writer :). Thank you Cup of Jo for this post. What a delightful group of onlies (also down for a rebrand — love those other phrases popping up in the comments) you’re digitally pulled together :).

I’m relieved to see uplifting anecdotes about being an only child – it always seems like people (including other onlys!) try to make it seem like something no one wants. My parents made the conscious decision to only have one and I never, at any stage in my life, wanted a sibling. When I was small, a woman asked me “oh don’t you want a little brother or sister?” I looked at her very seriously and said, “would I have to share my toys?” When she said yes, of course, I responded “then no.” As I made friends in school, and went over to their houses, I would see the commotion and fights with their siblings and would constantly think, yeah I don’t think I’m missing anything here. My mom would say I’d come home from my friend’s full houses and immediately go to my room to decompress! And now I’m an adult, and in that season of life where parents are getting older and passing on. I watched how both of my parents had to be the sole caregivers of their parents and the aftermath of their deaths, despite both being the youngest of three; neither got any help whatsoever from their siblings. My boyfriend’s father was the sole caretaker of his mother and the aftermath of her death, despite being one of five. His mother, too, was the sole caretaker of her mother, despite being one of three. I’m warning you all now: having siblings does not mean you’ll get help at the end of your parent’s lives. Most likely you’ll get none, or you’ll be the unhelpful one. Or, you’ll all fight over the end of life decisions. So in that way, even though I know it’ll be stressful as I’m the only child, I’m grateful I’m the only one who gets to make those decisions, with no one who will try to push back or fight me.

as an only child, i LOVE this post! it can feel so isolating AND freeing at the same time. i love to poke fun at myself when the stereotypical traits weasel their way out, like with sharing food, or having a roommate, “oops! my only child is showing!” i grew up to be a single mother of a son and daughter. we have our own three-amigos things happening and even though it is a different kind of 3, it feels familiar, like the perfectly, oddly, balanced triangle i grew up in! the irony and preparation to live this way has never been lost on me.

I was an only child for twelve years. My parents were hardworking and poor. I always had a warm home and something good to eat. They both had hard lives. Truth is, I was most probably an accident. I was really attached to them. I had lots of aunts and uncles. I cherish that time. I think it made me very outgoing and I really learned to appreciate other people. Other kids, not so much. I think I was a little spoiled having all that adult attention. Then came baby sister and I became the baby sitter, house cleaner and all things domestic. I got out of there the same week as high school graduation. I had excellent parents, but divorce and acrimony crept in. My mom just couldn’t take living like a poor person anymore, I believe. To this day, I have a poor person’s mentality even though I am no longer poor. God bless my Mom and Dad. They were born into poverty, and no matter how hard they worked, they never had much. They gave me a good life in spite of it all. Being the only kid was fine. Being somebody’s big sister later on was exciting. I guess you could say I had the best of both worlds.

I’m an only child, and the closest I have come to feeling like I have a sibling is after I had my first baby. My parents were so obsessed with her, and I remember thinking, oh this is what it must be like to share your parents’ love. I remember one time my mom wanted a photo “of the three of us,” which for 35 years had been me and my parents, but they posed with the baby before I could even react – I definitely felt a twinge of jealousy!

As an only child, getting a sibling was my biggest fear for as long as I can remember! I was always so happy to get my parents’ full attention whenever they were around. When I would get home from the the houses of friends who had siblings, with all of the extra noise, bustle, and negotiation that would entail, I would always return to my quiet room relieved that I didn’t have to fight over toys with anybody. Now that I’m older I can see that it would be nice to have a sibling to share experiences with, but honestly I wouldn’t trade being an only child for anything!

This post is extremely timely for me as I struggle to decide if I want to try for a second child. My son is 21 months. I’m 37, so I have some time but not a lot. I love my son to pieces and we have really hit our stride as a family of three. Not sure I want to throw a wrench into things. That said, I am one of four sisters and wonder if I’m really ok with my son being alone. No one to play with other than us on vacations, no shared memories, no one to be there when we are gone. His closest cousins are 10 years old and don’t live very close. We do have some friends with kids similar in age. It’s so hard to decide. Help!

I was an only child during the Boomer years. In our class of 154, only 4 of us were only children. Many of my friends were from families of 4 to 10 children! My parents were determined not to spoil me. Their answer was pets…dogs, cats, chickens, geese, rabbits, and parakeets. It seemed to work because I grew up shaking much more than receiving. The point of being a parent is loving your child whether it be one child or ten children. Love and enjoy them.

The choice was made for us when we had a late pregnancy loss with my son (conceived via IVF) and then I had to have a hysterectomy. People rarely consider that we may not have made the choice intentionally, and often ask a lot of questions about why we have “only” one. “Only” feels like a wild word choice, when my daughter is a complete miracle. As far as siblings go, I have grew up with a brother who is now estranged and I will be making all the decisions about my aging parents on my own. It is a funny assumption that sibling relationships are just automatically healthy and helpful.

I was an only child until 15. My parents had another baby and I really remember being an only child and then being labelled as “big sister”. My sister and I have found adult sibling relationship difficult to build in that we don’t have any shared memories and we’ve never witnessed a parent scolding the other child or needed to tattletale anything. It’s like we are familiar strangers. Making a sister date feels like dating now. Getting to know each others boundaries and likes and dislikes. I tell her I miss being an only child sometimes. And she says same same.

I am really happy for people who feel content with one, but I wonder how people navigate trickier situations. My husband and I feel differently (and strongly) about a second, and we also have a kid who seems to really need a sibling but has extra needs that ask a lot of us already… how do you weigh everyone’s wants and needs? I am okay with being stretched beyond my comfort zone for the joy of a bigger family, my husband feels stressed by the idea, we both agree it would probably be best for our child (reasons are a bit complicated to cover here)… we are really struggling with it

What a weighty choice, deciding how many children to have. In so many ways, whatever choice you make will be the right one for you! My husband and I knew we couldn’t manage well if we had more than one young kid at a time, but he’s an only child who is navigating supporting an aging parent on his own. I have a brother but we are not close. We decided to wait several years to decide, and have happily decided to have a second baby–five years after our first! I’m due right after our daughter will turn five. This big of an age gap is unconventional, at least in the States, and people sometimes assume it was unintentional…. But we feel like it’s going to be a great fit for our family. A lot of people talk about financially feeling like they can’t afford more than one kid at a time, but with a five year gap, we’ll never have to pay for daycare for two kids at once, or college for two kids at once. Not saying this is a better path than having an only child! Just describing our path because I don’t know a lot of other families who have chosen it, and it’s felt like it solves a lot of problems that parents of only children are looking to avoid.

As an only child, I never felt left out or lonely. If there was no one to play with, I was always able to amuse myself. I spent a fair bit of time with my grandmother on weekends and having her (and her friends) dote on me always felt pretty special. My parents also were aware of the ‘spoiled only child’ stereotypes and went out of their way to make sure that I wasn’t one. As an adult, I feel quite comfortable spending time on my own (and in fact, NEED to occasionally). But one drawback my spouse points out at times, is what we call ‘only child syndrome’, when it comes to sharing etc. I almost thought I had a half-sister at one point, when a family friend and I took a DNA test to see if we were related (she was convinced we were) and I have to admit, I did get pretty excited about the possibility of having a sibling. But it wasn’t meant to be. And that’s okay too!

My partner and I planned to have one child, pregnancy was very difficult for me, and there are some serious health issues in his family that we worry about. Luckily, our child was born and continues to be healthy and thriving. It feels like we won the lottery! AND, even though we are living the life we most hoped for, I have a lot of grief about the fact that we “only” have one child and have not tried to have another. I think a lot of it has to do with cultural messages about how families “should” be. I recently realized that I frequently think I’m not a “real mom” because I “only” have one child. Of course, I also loved having a baby and being in that phase of life, and I think it’s something I will always miss (or wish I could relive). My child is also very extroverted, so I wonder if it would be better to have a built-in playmate. Then, I remember my partner’s experience. He had a sibling that couldn’t play with him, and that could be the case if we had another baby. I’m in therapy, where I am trying to work through my very complicated feelings about this. Most days, I comfort myself by thinking about the wonderful things we *do* have. Our house is often full of children because we invite all the neighbor kids over. We celebrate every birthday and half-birthday and are grateful for every day. We’re also very civically engaged. We live sustainably, without a car, and we create very little waste (we almost never buy packaged convenience food; we’ve never bought new toys). I don’t think I would be able to live this way if I had another baby, and I’m grateful that I get to live out my values (even if sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a minivan and see lots of little faces in my backseat!). Thanks for making space for this conversation.

We have one daughter and are incredibly happy as a family of 3. We assumed we would want more children, but once our daughter was born, we felt surprisingly content and have since. Of course I have my questions about the decision at times, but there are so many positives. That said, I could use some advice from adult onlies. Our daughter is 9 years old, and seems to be going through a phase where she’s particularly focused on the concept of siblings. She frequently mentions how most of her peers have siblings and lately has been coming up with elaborate imaginary family trees that include us having anywhere from 3-6 more children. She even sets the table to include these imaginary siblings at our dinner table. She’s always been very imaginative, so it’s not at all unusual for her to go in deep with something like this. I’m not sure exactly what my question is, but any advice about how to respond to her is welcome! I hate the idea of her yearning for a sibling for her entire life.

I have an adult only child who says that she doesn’t miss having siblings. My sister was abusive growing up and my parents were unable to deal with it. I was afraid that if I had more than one I wouldn’t be able to handle the conflicts that arise between siblings in a healthy way since I don’t know how. Plus our finances didn’t allow us to have more than one. I’ve been happy with only having one child.

I love these comments and take comfort in reading them because we are one and done. We feel so complete with one child. My husband and I both have a sibling and neither of us are close. My sister has significant mental health issues and I will be the one taking care of the entire family when my parents age. My family are also immigrants so I never grew up with an extended family and I was very happy with my little family never knowing what I was missing out on. My husband and his sibling have a friendly relationship but rarely talk that much and have very few shared interests. I would only have another child if they were the guaranteed best friend of my current child… but like so many others say here, sibling closeness and shared responsibilities of aging parents is not guaranteed. There is so much beauty to a big household with many close siblings, and also so much beauty to my child getting our undivided attention and resources. We will make sure our child is caring, generous, and humble and she will spend time with friends as much as she wants. Also, how do people in expensive cities afford multiple kids?? Parenting in this day is not the same as parenting when we were young. My neighbors with 18 month olds are already shuttling them around to extracurriculars and we have zero desire to do so yet.

So…we live in suburbia, and the only-kids in the neighbourhood are constantly knocking on doors and looking for playmates. My three introverted kids sometimes feel like they *need* to entertain these kids, to their own discomfort. I suspect it’s more of an introvert/extrovert thing than an only/siblings thing, but it’s persistent enough that I feel a bit bad for the only kids. If your kid is an extrovert, especially if they don’t have siblings, please make sure you are actively fostering enough connections for them!

Only child here and the mother of an only child (by choice). I remember people always saying how sorry they were for me that I was an only child and me never fully getting it. I loved being an only child. I always wanted to be around the adults, was fascinated by the conversations around me and probably grew up a little too preciously because I was talking about politics with them at the dinner table and didn’t always understand that my elementary school classmates weren’t necessarily doing the same thing. But I had tremendous opportunities to travel that I wouldn’t have gotten, was an exchange student when I was still in high school, and had a considerably amount of financial help with college that wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had a sibling. Also, I’m very aware of my husband and friends who have siblings and the fact that a good relationship with them isn’t a guarantee — in many instances, it’s caused a lot of pain for those individuals. We chose to only have one child who ultimately was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and I’m so grateful we didn’t have more — it’s often a stressful challenge and I’m glad we can focus on him and his needs instead of our attention being split. While it may not be the right choice for everyone, it’s definitely been the right one for us.

Thank you so much for this post. It feels like an answered prayer to a question that weighs on me heavily. I’m the oldest of five (all sisters) and will likely start trying for our first, and perhaps only, child this fall. As a person with four siblings, it’s so hard to conceive of a child that has no siblings. My sisters are the tentpoles that hold up my identity, for better or worse. I cannot imagine my life without them- their pain is my pain, and their joy is my joy. AND… I was parentified. I grieve for the loss of my exploration and freedom as a child and young woman. I was ALWAYS thinking about my sisters- sometimes, more than I thought about me. That’s still true, if I’m honest. This article has me wondering if it might even be healing to have an only- all the parental attention I didn’t get, a child that doesn’t have to “be a good example” and can just be a kid, a child free of the ties to someone that you’re forced to share all your experiences with- a kid who can choose their ties instead, and find out who THEY really are with all of my love and support.

This is such an interesting conversation. I grew up with a brother, but he tragically died when I was 19. I am very happy that I had a sibling, but now I am dealing with aging parents on my own, and feel like I wish someone could help. As I am thinking about having my own child, I can’t imagine being able to manage more than 1, but I do feel bad setting them up to be in the same predicament. I have lots and lots of cousins, which is nice, but all of them have their own siblings, so I also feel like an outsider, even though they all loved my brother. Oof! You never know what people are going through.

I’m an only child and echo the sentiments about being a group of three. I went everywhere with my parents–and had amazing experiences. I was also expected to behave as an adult so I had great experiences meeting people and learning how to talk to anyone and everyone. It was a wonderful childhood. But oh, how i feel the “anticipatory grief” Gitanjali so beautifully articulated. I worry about my aging parents and how there will be no one who loves them as I do to help make decisions for and with them. And I will admit, sometimes, when a friend has a second child, I feel a brief, but intense feeling of sympathy for the older child…a pang of condolence…that their lives will never be the same…they will no longer be the only sun around which their parents love orbits. But, then I feel such a sense of joy for them that they will have someone to hold to their hand and walk with them through the uncertainties of their parents growing older and the despair of losing one of them.

I have a 5yo and a 3.5 yo. Last night the 5yo was sick and went to bed early, so my husband and I had 2-on-1 time with the 3.5 yo. It felt really special, and was a configuration we don’t get to experience much. It made me want to carve out more opportunities (for both kids) where they get the full, undivided attention of both parents at the same time.

Thank you so much for sharing these perspectives! We experienced infertility and we were not able to have more than one child. Our daughter is a miracle and having only one feels like a good fit for us but I always feel a little bad she doesn’t have a sibling. This provides some reassurance 💗 Hooray for families of all sizes!

“Only” child with an “only” child. I simply don’t understand the fear and judgment around the concept of “having just one.” TBH, I’m pretty tired of being cast as an oddity, or as proof that single children can actually be pretty great! Sure, single children don’t have built-in buddies, and we get bored (the horror!), so we learn how to entertain ourselves, form tighter connections with our parents, and are forced to make (and keep) friends outside of the home. Lest we be perceived as selfish, we’re even more generous with our love and attention. I’m also thrilled to be able to give my son my full attention, as well as the experience of travel, summer camps, afterschool programs, books and games galore… all of which adds up and would be cost-prohibitive with another kiddo in our family. As for the issue of caring for parents as they age, that shouldn’t be a part of your decision to have children. My father has told me multiple times that he doesn’t believe I owe him anything. I will tell my son the same. We didn’t enter into parenthood because we’d need a helping hand down the road. My father’s unconditional, no-strings-attached love is exactly why I WILL support him, when the day comes. And, because I was raised to be strong and independent, I won’t resent having to go it alone.

I grew up with a sister, but she died a few years ago, so now I’m an adult only child (my father is also deceased). I’m raising an only child. I have one first cousin on my mother’s side who was an only child of a single mother, and he has one child. My sister-in-law also has one child, so we are a family with a lot of only children!

As a mother of an only child, this article was very reassuring, thank you everyone!! My husband and I are older parents, and so thankful to have a child. We both have multiple siblings so we worry sometimes that our child is lonely, as all his cousins are also much older. I love our little tribe, but it’s frustrating when people ask, just one? Stay in your lane, you never know what road people had to go down to get that very special one.

Years ago (maybe on cupofjo) I read about some family psychology theory- about if you were raised as an individual or a herd, individuals might be only children, or children who’s siblings did not live with them, or who had large age gaps between so that they were always in different developmental stages. . and herd children were raised with a close sibling or siblings, and the article said a few things about the psychology of those children- not leaning into the stereotypes.

I grew up as an only child and never craved siblings because I created very close relationships with friends- at school, overnight camp, through many different communities. I did desire siblings as i’ve gotten older, and have always been fascinated by my friends’ who had close sibling relationships. Now at 43 years old, I found out a few years ago that I have multiple half sisters and brothers through ancestry as we share the same biological father (via donor sperm). Creating relationships with my new siblings in midlife has been so wild and fulfilling, and without a shared history and with only shared dna, these new familial relationships have thrown me for a loop! So to all the onlys out there…. you never know where your life will take you, whether through securing best friends /chosen siblings or donor siblings or who knows…

I’ll admit, a big reason i had a second child is because I didn’t want my older son to grow up with no cousins and no siblings. My parents, sister and I moved to the US when we were young and I felt quite disconnected from my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. I felt really self-conscious about that when planning my wedding, realizing I would only have 3 family members attend. To compound things, my husband’s family also left their home country and he only has his 2 parents here. It’s so interesting how my perspective changes, because when both our families are together (7 adults plus 2 kids) it feels so busy and hectic, but thinking about my friends’ “family gatherings” with dozens of uncles, aunts, and cousins, it’s relatively puny!

“Keep your eyes on your own paper” — thank you for this! We have one amazing daughter l, and while we have great family support and could financially and (as far as we know) physically have another child, we just don’t want to? We feel done, but I do sometimes feel a twinge of guilt about it given the societal pressure. Eyes on my own paper, for sure.

My father in law is an only child and both my husband and I found it hard to watch him bear the entire burden of end of life care for his parents. It ran him RAGGED for years. My husband also has no cousins or aunts and uncles on that side! I know people often don’t have a choice in these matters (it’s hilarious that we think we do lol), but these experiences definitely drove my husband and I to continue trying for a second child even after two miscarriages. We are so happy to have a sibling for our son!

Really interesting and thought provoking. I was my Dads only child. My half sisters from my mums first marriage were 15 and 16 when I was born and lived with their Dad. When I was a child they felt like aunties and I felt like an only child. But as an adult I have grown to have a sisterly bond with one of them, especially now our fathers have died. We can commiserate and support each other with our other challenging sister and our elderly mum. Growing up I longed for a sibling as I felt lonely at times. But it meant I was incredibly close to my Dad, who as a child I described as my best friend. I was sent to boarding school at 11 as it was felt that would help mitigate the ‘selfishness’ of single children. I wouldn’t recommend this! I formed very close friendships and am pathologically independent as a result. I chose to have a large family myself. Three kids. My husband is one of four. I love seeing my kids together but I sometimes struggle to understand and navigate the sibling arguments. And the thing I struggle most with as a mum is not having time to myself. I think having lots of solo time is my default position as an only child and I adore my own company (rare these days). No one else has better taste or humour! I try to take myself on solo dates – to art galleries, cinema or just a walk. It makes me a much better mum and wife.

I am an only and my child is also an only – we could not be more similar but also more different. Because she doesn’t have a peer group at home, she voraciously seeks out socialization, claiming she would “die” if she didn’t see a friend for 24 hours. I love that she is learning about chosen family and community on terms other than something inherited. I love that I can give her my full self and still have something left for me, my spouse and my community at the end of the day – without needing to have the means for hired help and when family is limited or not close by.

I would be interested to know if the only adult children featured in your article have had their parents/grandparents pass on? It have found it to be so heartbreakingly HARD being the only person responsible to make the end of life decisions, the burial arrangements and having NO ONE to say “Remember when…” to.

While I have a sister, neither of my parents had siblings. So I’ve never had aunts, uncles or cousins. Sometimes I wonder what that would be like. My parents both would have loved having a sibling growing up. My sister’s personality leans toxic so I consider her more as an acquaintance I need to maintain relationships with my niece and nephew.

Only child here—and there are so many upsides. I had a wonderful childhood and was lucky to be surrounded by loving, engaging, inclusive adults. That said, there’s one downside that outweighs everything else for me: not having siblings. I know my parents tried, and it just didn’t happen for them. I have incredible lifelong friends and a big group of cousins I adore, but it’s not quite the same. Now, at 42, it’s the one thing I’d change if I had a magic wand.

I’m an only child and love it! It’s also the biggest compliment when someone says, “I never would have guessed you’re an only child”, ha. But really, I can’t imagine it any other way. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a sibling, especially when I see happy sibling relationships, but honestly I see just as many, if not more, negative sibling relationships. It’s easy to think the grass is greener. Also maybe a somewhat unique perspective, but my parents divorced when I was young and I feel so lucky to have gotten so much time with them individually! It was always just me and my mom or me and my dad, and I loved that so much. I wonder if other only children ever felt like it was two-against-one with married parents? I plan to only have one, and also plan to stay married to my husband haha, so wonder about this. Because I had such a great time as an only child I never imagined having more than one. Life is so funny.

I’m not only an only child, my mom was an only child, and now I’m raising an only child. I feel like I’m getting the full spectrum only child experience. I am always so glad I am an only; navigating siblings and everything on my husband’s side is always complicated and fraught, but I’m able to have a relatively uncomplicated relationship with my family. Caring for aging family as an only is hard, but I’ve also watched resentment build in my mom’s generation with people resenting “who does what” there, so it isn’t like there is a silver bullet. Like others have said, I have a big, strong, chosen family that shows up for me and my daughter, and I think knowing how to build those bonds has been so important for me. I’m a little socially awkward, but that’s the late diagnosed neurodivergence, not only child! :) One thing that really bothers me is the judgement I get when people find out my daughter is a solo act, or the hand wringing I see people do when they don’t actually want more than one kid but feel like they should. It’s ok for your family to look the way you want it to! Only kids are just people too! There are challenges to whatever family structure you have! It honestly hurts when I hear it, because it feels like it pathologizes my very ok lived experience.

Interesting discussion- there’s so many nuances to this, and obviously, everyone’s experience is different. Like others have said, it’s often not a choice to have an only child, and it’s so important to remember that. I am an only child and have always wished for siblings. My parents always wanted more kids, but when I was little (1-2ish), my mom got very sick and was hospitalized on and off for many years. It was hard, and I was so lonely- my dad was dealing with so much, and I was shuffled around a lot. Dear family friends (with 3 kids) basically took me in every summer, and I was so grateful, but also so sad that I didn’t have siblings of my own (though they became like family, for which I am so grateful). Fast forward many years, my mom was in the hospital several more times (this time, I was pregnant). Again, I was so sad that I didn’t have siblings to help take shifts at the hospital or commiserate with, or even just talk about my mom with. Now, this is a unique situation, but most people will find themselves with aging/sick parents at some point, and it’s so valuable to have shared memories. I am a healthcare worker, so I am well-aware that many siblings may not get along, help out, etc., but there is at least a chance that they might. I now have 3 kids, and I am so happy they have each other. There are no guarantees, for sure, but I am so hopeful that they will grow up to be friends and have each other to rely on. Yes, they fight, and yes, we have less resources, but to me that’s worth it. Again, I know that many people don’t have a choice in the matter, and I would never put anyone down if they do choose to have an only child. I think I’m just fine! But, there is the other side to it, which is tricky.

I have one child and he will be the only. I do fear that he won’t have enough family around him as he gets older. Most of our family is at least 8 hours away and he only has one first cousin. So I’m trying to surround him with extended family as much as I can and friends that feel like family.

I loved having my first child so much I wanted to have another but my second husband was not interested and I wasn’t going to do it alone. However, my only child thrived and never expressed regret for lacking siblings. Now that he’s middle-aged, I think he might miss out on the support of a larger family. My relationships with two of my three sibling have grown strong and important to me as we’ve all aged. There’s no one to share supporting me now that I’m in my 80s. My son took great care of his dying dad a couple years ago and he and his wonderful wife will take care of me too.

I hated being an only child. I was picked on in school and felt so alone. Teachers treated me differently as the others. My parents were older and my childhood was sad.

Only here! I always fanaticized about having a sibling (even better – an identical twin), but it wasn’t in the cards for my family. I deeply envied my step siblings (who never lived with us) because they had each other to lean on through the uncertainty of divorce. My dad died when I was 6 (my parents were already divorced at the time), and my mom became my parent and sibling all in one. I loved attention, so being an only child was a dream. The only downside is that I felt a lot of pressure to “perform”. It was all internal (my mom was happy with passing grades while I NEEDED to get straight As), but I felt like I was her only chance at a successful child. I have three daughters now, and wow. It’s so loud. I also don’t know what sibling relationships are supposed to look like. My husband keeps telling me the fighting is normal, but I can’t stand it! For all the only children that have only children, you have set yourselves up for success.

One benefit of being an only child with aging parents is that although you have to make all the decisions, you do not have to get approval from any other siblings about how to handle a situation. I have observed a lot of stress between siblings who cannot agree on what to do. I just made the best choices I could with the options and information I had. No consultation with siblings required. It is admittedly bittersweet, but I thought my experience was worth sharing.

My husband and I are both only children. No aunts, uncles or cousins for our kids, hence our decision to have three. Sometimes we look at our boys in awe of their relationships and rivalries (and general noise!) It’s so foreign to both of us, but I like to think we found each other for a reason. No one understands my simultaneous need for alone time / intense FOMO better!

So many thoughts… We are a trio, I love my kid (8). He has always been interested in other people and loves to spend time with his friends, proudly takes care of the sweet snacks and water drinks for them, when they come over. Together we are mostly (…) relaxed, sharing our introvert natures by books, music, cakes or otherwise letting each other be as they wish. I am also a big sister with a brother in an emotionally distant relationship. I would not know what is going on with him, without mine or his partner, as we are different yes, but are in general not close. I think it is kind of sad and I often would like to change this. But I understand it more in light of our upbringing. My parents not always “doing it wrong”, but it kind of shaped the competition we both seemed to feel. I don’t know how it is to have a close relationship with your sibling (as an adult). But I think there are many different ways you can experience closeness, so I am happy for my kid.

I have one son, and never gave much thought to how many kids I wld have. I have a twin sister whom I speak with a billion times a day (we live on opposite coasts) and a brother who lives 5hrs away I barely speak to, no reason, we just aren’t close. So you never know! And I agree, having 1 kid is sooooo much easier- emotionally, financially, and he likes it. He knows he gets 100%of us.

I have a lot of happy childhood memories- until the age of about 10. Then things got rough, both for me and my parents’ marriage. Things were so rough, in fact, that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing anything with friends, no matter how close they were. As a result, I went through a period of intense loneliness and sadness. It was very isolating. I think that the burden would have been a little lighter to bear if siblings were in the picture. I definitely developed a compensation mechanism from being an only child, as I have four children. There’s a lot of conflict and fighting, of course, but there are also so many beautiful moments of solidarity, fraternal love and mutual care. It warms my heart to know that no matter what family hardships we may face, they will have each other.

At the dinner table, there’s just one egg for dinner. If there’s only one kid, the parents skip eating and let the kid have the whole egg. But if there’s more than one child, then the egg gets split up—each kid, along with the parents, gets a small piece. That was the example my mom used to give me when I was little to explain (and kind of justify) the spoiled, bossy behavior of my only-child girlfriends (as a kid with a younger brother, I was jealous of them). Growing up, I felt like I could spot an only child right away, and honestly, the few times I meet one who isn’t spoiled or self-centered, I’m kind of surprised and find myself wondering what their parents did “right.” Now I’m the mom of a 5-year-old only child (I can’t have more kids for health reasons), and it honestly scares me a bit—the idea of raising an “only child,” based on my own bias.

Thank you for this! I am one of three and raising an only who will likely have half-siblings on her dad’s side. I love my siblings and we’re close, but I’m quite a bit younger and was the only kid at home from 11-18. My older siblings are very close in a best friend way and I’ve always felt a bit on the outside. I love my brother but we’re so far apart in age, he’s never felt like a peer. My sister is generally pretty judgmental and I’ve realized in adulthood that a lot of my insecurities are rooted in her criticism (not necessarily of me, but of others which I’ve absorbed). Though our family is pretty tight-knit, I’m noticeably closer to our parents than my siblings. I never imagined having an only child, but I often think of how she won’t have the same hang-ups I do around my relationship with my sister or the guilt I sometimes feel for being so close to my parents in a way my siblings don’t understand. My kid is very close to her cousins and has several sister-friends. She has lots of friends and socialization, and she’s precocious and can have a serious conversation with anyone. I feel very content with her as my only kid and my husband knew coming in to our marriage that I didn’t want more kids and he’s fully on board with being an awesome step-dad which makes it easier.

I didn’t necessarily know I would split from my husband, which I eventually did, when our daughter was 12, but I did know that the heavy lifting of parenting/home would fall to me. Not just the logistics, but the emotional labor. I figured out how to do my FT job and parent one child, but couldn’t imagine juggling more. So every year at my annual visit, I would consider having my IUD taken out and then tell my doctor: oh, I’ll make a separate visit for that another time….and now, here I am, divorced with a 24 year old. I do feel guilty sometimes that she has no sibling, but I would not have been able to parent her the way I have if I had more. Thank goodness for access to reliable and safe contraception so I could make that hard choice.

Wow, this is such a timely post for me! I appreciate the comments about “unit of 3” we have one and are considering a second (my daughter is 2). But already we feel like the three musketeers. We all laugh and play and have inside jokes. I’m one of 5, though, and I think all the time about the complexities of sibling relationships. We’re each others first call for so many things AND nobody in the world gets under my skin or causes resentment more than they do. Haha. Someone once said to me with regards to this topic “love is infinite, but resources are finite” & that is so true. We were so poor growing up and sometimes for children that feels hard. Especially when you step into the world. But I also sometimes watch my outgoing little person running around and think is she lonely? But are those just my emotions, I don’t know if kids really have an awareness of these expectations.