How Would You Envision Your Wedding?
Speaking of weddings, if you’re not married — or if you had a chance to marry the same person again — how would you envision it? What dress would you wear? What poem would you read? Just for fun, here’s what I might choose these days…
1. A simple dress. When I got married before, I wore a J.Crew wedding dress, and I liked spending the evening in something that felt familiar — just a low-key, silky number. In that vein, I love this one with a bow and this one with a flower (also in linen!).
2. Gold shoes or sandals. So pretty! And a kitten heel so my feet wouldn’t hurt.
3. Wear-all-the-time jewelry. I don’t really wear fancy jewelry, so I’d go for something beautiful that I could wear on regular days, too, like sparkly hoops and an elegant bracelet. I also like the idea of a tiny locket containing photos of loved ones who are missed, like my grandmother.
4. A small NYC restaurant. Most of our friends live in New York City, and I’ve lived here for a whopping 25 years, but traditional wedding venues can be eye-wateringly expensive. Instead, how cool would it be to try to rent a little bar for drinks and bites? This one sits out on a dock on the East River, with views of the Manhattan skyline. You’d just have to pray for good weather.
5. A bunch of galettes. Sure, I like cake, but I love, love flaky, buttery galettes. Some of the best I’ve tried are from a Brooklyn baker named Sacha who delivers them to your house (he’s working at other bakeries right now so he can learn enough to open his own). It would be fun to present a bunch of different flavors on beautiful cake stands, so people could walk up and just grab a slice.
6. Lots of speeches. This one might be controversial, but I hate dancing and I love speeches. The teary dad, the witty sister, my own brother who inexplicably did his whole speech in an Australian accent. I could listen to funny toasts all night, about anything, on any occasion. Bonus points if there’s a best-friend speech-off, like this legendary Bridesmaids scene.
What about you? What would you do differently if you got married again? One friend told me, “I wouldn’t get drunk for a start,” haha. And how cute are these photo matchboxes for favors?
P.S. 11 wedding dos and don’ts, and would you do a first look?
Note: If you buy something through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission or have a sponsored relationship with the brand, at no cost to you. We recommend only products we genuinely like. Thank you so much.
(Top photo from the movie Palm Springs.)
Comments
126 commentsAs a wedding planner in a culture where people do large weddings (think 300 min guests) on average and call them “close circle”, I’d want around 100-150 guests, a nice venue with a clean slate base which can be transformed, and then I’d do a non-traditional white dress as a wedding dress with a pop of colour for my shoes, colourful florals, fun stationery, great decorative lighting, and a focal point on the top of the custom dance floor with the bar and DJ there. The theme is not something I’m specific about, I like lots of different things so I’d take inspiration from the venue, weather, and our personalities!
We had a restaurant wedding with no dancing and open speeches. My dad gave a very touching speech that seemed a bit out of character for him – the next day he told me he had read tips from Martha Stewart!
Awww this is so dear.
Today is my tenth wedding anniversary! I think our wedding was very much an expression of us at the time, 28 and 30, and was very formal and classic. If I could redo it would reflect us today, much lower key and just “less”. Maybe a small dinner afterward in lieu of a big reception. I feel very lucky to have had the wedding we did, though.
Not really a fan of weddings for a lot of complicated reasons but…my nephews were both married recently and my sister and her husband gave a really great speech for both of their sons. That was just lovely – sweet and funny and loving. Different for each boy. Perfect!
My first wedding was in another country where we were living; tried to keep it small and simple but it was disastrous. The dinner venue cancelled two days beforehand, my hair and make up were crazy and I re-did myself, the courthouse officiant went on a tangent about ‘connection across our two races’ (!!), and the house to where we moved the dinner and my family stayed was robbed including my brother’s camera with the wedding photos, their passports and credit cards. There were some good years, we had a lovely daughter, but divorced after 16 years. I now have a wonderful partner of 3 years and we’re slowly blending our little households into a family of 4 later this year. I have complicated feelings about a wedding, but I have admitted that I DO care about openly choosing and committing to each other and celebrating that. We’re in no rush, but I hope in a few years I’ll get a second chance at something small and simple, and that it will be more special and intimate this time. I love many of these ideas shared in the comments!
This is timely as my daughter will be getting married in three weeks. I am so impressed how she has created her wedding to be a dream wedding in my view. They invited only their best and closest friends and family. They are getting married in the city where they met (San Luis Obispo), she is having very little flowers, and adornment, they are not having any bridesmaids or groomsmen. She did not want a bridal shower and she has asked not to purchase any gift (they live in Brooklyn and have very little storage) She is focusing on amazing food and amazing music. She has gone to enough of her friends weddings to know that food and dancing is what people a) look forward to and b) remember the most. I am so excited to enjoy every moment of this special day!
I remember reading the first New York City Hall weddiing story on this blog back in 2011. It was so unbelievably chic that I immediately wished I could have a redo on mine. Fifteen years later, after making my way through a painful divorce and rebuilding my life, I had that chance! This May, I flew across the country to marry the love of my life at Manhattan City Hall and it was every bit the dream I’d imagined.
Aw, that’s such a lovely story.Congratulations and happy future to you and your partner!
Our wedding reception was a big family picnic. We had someone grilling speedie chicken on a big grill, a jazz band and lawn games. There wasn’t really dancing – it didn’t occur to me. Just a fun summer hang. 15 years later, last summer, our Joe family of four went to a cousins wedding where the reception was a lovely dinner and dancing. Everybody was ready to boogie and it was so much fun dancing around with my daughters and husband like maniacs for hours. So, if husband and I were ever to get married again, it would be a big family dance party.
I wanted a courthouse ceremony, but my husband has a large immediate family and he wanted all of them there. We compromised and had a “pop-up” wedding instead. Essentially you reserve 1 of 5 time slots through a wedding planning company that has reserved a venue for the entire day. It was the best decision we could’ve made! We got a beautiful wedding at a winery at a fraction of the cost with zero stress. They provided the venue, the officiant, the flowers, the music, the photographer, and champagne and hors d’oeuvres for after. The wedding was capped at 20 guests including the bride and groom. We just had to show up on the day dressed however we wanted. We had everyone to our house afterward for cake (made by my SIL) and munchies for the rest of the night. It was such a fun day because we weren’t stressing and could just focus on each other and enjoy our day. We still high five each other whenever the subject comes up because we feel like we won the wedding game!
I went to a wedding last summer that was more speeches than dancing, and it was terrible (for me!). As soon as the dancing was really getting going, the party ended. I think I would have liked it more if I’d had a heads-up like “FYI: This will be a speeches wedding, not a dancing wedding.” Also maybe a bingo card or drinking game for wedding speech clichés? 😄
hahaha I GET THIS!!!! one summer i went to like 9 weddings in a row and i felt like if i had to hear one more “i’m not losing a daughter i’m gaining a son” speech (ok i know it’s nice-ish but — ) i would have to spend the rest of the night under a table. on a related tangent, ever go to a wedding alone? i was once at a wedding by myself – my partner was working out of town – and the couple had placed everyone boy-girl-boy and neither man on my left or right would talk to me, kept saying “my girlfriend bla bla this or that” like i was hitting on them, so i had to just sit there and eat silently as the “not losing a daughter gaining a son” speeches droned on…
I have a few (respectifully) contrarian wedding thoughts! IS the wedding all about you and your husband? Or is this an important milestone for the families celebrating their beloved children and including all the people they love as a family. Also: some of these very causal-on a mountain top-exactly as my heart desires scenarios are fun to dream about but: where are the bathrooms? What about the people who spent so much time and money to fly in for your special day, are they comfortable? I think logistics and inclusion are the not fun (and often expensive) things you have to really think about. Of course, they’re not insurmountable, but a thoughtful bride and groom will want their wedding guests to also have a good time!
ERIN. This is one of my regular rants! Was just visiting the Maroon Bells this week & I can’t imagine asking family & friends to spend that much to attend my wedding! My other rant is about kidless weddings — I understand, but if I see one more website that says, “we love your kids, but enjoy a date night!”, I will SCREAM. By the way, i don’t even have kids!
I think the only thing I would have done differently is worn a different dress. I also wanted to go the low-key, J. Crew (or something similar) route – but my mom really wanted me to wear a more traditional dress. I don’t have a very close relationship with her, but I was trying to keep things harmonious. I agreed to go wedding dress shopping with her because I felt like that was what you were supposed to do (she insisted on taking me to big-box stores hours away from where I lived because it would be cheaper – bad sign #1. Plus, every time I had to go back for a dress fitting I had to spend hours traveling back and forth to do it). I tried on a dress that she loved, and I said “If it makes you happy, fine, I’ll wear it, I don’t care.” She never asked if it was what I wanted to wear. It wasn’t. It was fine – it was a perfectly nice dress – but it wasn’t at all what I wanted to wear.
This is heartbreaking to read. Once we are grown, it is really important to learn to take bossy people (mom’s most definitely included) and gently, kindly, define your needs. It is a hallmark of becoming an adult. It is our work to stand up for ourselves in a kind but firm way (if you want to preserve the relationship), and it is the mother’s work to recognize and accept that. Sheesh. My mother was like this. I really had to stand up for myself with her because she was emotionally immature. It can be difficult to do it with kindness but if possible, that’s the way. My mother was never able to accept my needs (narcissist) over hers and she ended up estranging herself from me, sadly. But that’s not because I didn’t make every effort with kindness. I can sleep at night knowing this. Sometimes parents are toxic. It’s not healthy. Fix your end and stand up for yourself. If you’re lucky, they will love you enough to see that their overstepping is not ok.
My mom was the narcissist, (I think anyway!), not me! I still loved her, I could just see her clearly.
I’m helping my brother plan his wedding right now and the chaos and expense and effort is inspiring me to do something totally different (if that day ever comes). My idea…an afternoon beachy hang on the bay near where I live, we get married in our bathing suits. Then we all convene at my house for a barbecue and toasts and a dance party. (I’ll wear something fabulous but not too weddingy to that part.) Kids, fire pits, messiness, delicious food, come one come all, great dancing. Just a good old fashioned barn party. Sounds fun right?
I eloped. My husband’s parents, who’ve been married almost 60 years, came to the courthouse to be our witnesses. After the courthouse ceremony, we went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Then, in the moonlight, my new husband and I danced in our backyard to the muted tunes coming from the phone in his coat pocket. I loved every moment and wouldn’t change a thing.
My partner and I got married last year in our mid-40s and we frequently talk about how great it was. I wouldn’t change a thing! We did everything exactly our way, which I think was helped by being a bit older and having been to enough weddings that we knew what was “us” and what wasn’t. I wore a black off the rack gown (and changed into a red dress later), we had no wedding party, we wrote our ceremony, there were no speeches except a short one I gave to thank everyone for being there with us, and there was a LOT of dancing but no first dance/dances with parents. My parents had the time of their lives and I cherish making those memories with them –I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat!
I am getting married next month. I will be in a 70s vintage dress with tortoise shell shoes in my parents backyard with paella, sangria and a cover band. Wish me luck!
This sounds so wonderful! I want to go (and I’m vegetarian so I probably can’t eat the paella. Ergo, you wouldn’t have to feed me). Just kidding, unless you’re short one wedding guest… 😄
Got married in 2012, no dancing, instead had a friend perform a mini concert and it was awesome! His own stuff and then a cover or two, everyone loved it (I love dancing but it is not my husband’s jam. Also was a nod to all my single friends in attendance ❤️)
My husband also hates dancing! In fact, when he proposed, he said ‘I want to get married, and I want to have a wedding, but I don’t want to dance. Other people can dance, but I don’t want to dance.’
I just got married and agree with so much of these. As a heads up… not sure what it’s like in NYC, but we got married in San Diego. Small wedding, 33 guests in the end. We thought the restaurant route would save us money from wedding venues but it actually didn’t. I got quotes at tons of restaurants, we still ended up finding one with a beautiful private room, but one place wanted $45k 😂we were like, never mind to that place!!! We still had to pay for our ceremony site, at a garden, which wasn’t crazy but we wanted to keep the whole wedding under $25k, so yeah… restaurants can still be quite pricey per head. I think if you’re a group 10 or less it probably is a great deal, if you’re good with a not super private area or buying out the restaurant. But if you want speeches, your own music, privacy… it’s gonna cost.
In lieu of dancing, wouldn’t it be fun to have some other collaborative and interactive activities like crafts or lawn games? You might be giving carnival-energy, but I think it would be fun!
We did that for our wedding celebration! We got married in NYC in December with just us and our parents, and then we held an April reception in St Pete (where we lived) at the famous shuffleboard courts across the street from our house. Everyone learned how to play. People still talk about how fun it was 14 years later!
We ended up having a really small wedding so we could do exactly this! Our reception was at our local boathouse & we had 40 total adults + 25 kids, so we rented kayaks & paddleboats for everyone! A couple months later, we had a “party at the park” with lawn games & snacks & cupcakes for anyone who wanted to celebrate that didn’t get invited to our wedding. The kids who came still tell us how much fun they had!
I am a mostly vegetable farmer who grows a few flowers and I grew and arranged all the flowers for my best friend’s wedding 2 years ago. Then for another dear friend I did all of her wedding florals as well, although I didn’t grow them this time because it was February. I have personally very complicated feelings about weddings and marriage in my own life, which I have spent a lot of time talking about with my therapist. But helping friends celebrate brings me so much joy every time. Guests and wedding vendors (like the makeup people and photographers) have told me I should start a wedding florals business….should I do it??
May I be brutally honest? Don’t do it!!! As a former professional floral designer and interior designer I’d have to caution that while it’s magical to help friends it’s a whole different ballgame dealing with paying clients. There’s an expectation level that (while justified for a paying client) takes the joy out of the experience. If you love seeing people enjoy your designs then donating your creations to hospital patients or friend’s weddings or nursing homes could be another avenue to explore?
Emma this is my gut too!! And has been basically what I’ve replied to folks with. It’s lovely to help people I know who have DIY expectations but that doesn’t mean I want the stress of it for $$$. But it is a fun thing to do for friends, really cementing my status as the most hardworking bridesmaid in any wedding I attend hahaha.
Of course you should! 🍀
I went to school thinking i wanted to be a wedding planner, but similarly, i LOVE helping my friends, but paying clients would take all the fun out of it for me!
Ooo this is interesting to think about! I also wore a J. Crew wedding dress and loved it! It was comfortable, didn’t cost a fortune and I still get compliments when people see pictures. And we had pies – it was awesome! We got married in a park and had the reception at a nearby small art gallery with a local catering company. Today, I like the idea of just going to a restaurant for small bites, having fewer flowers and other elements that took too much time/energy, and having a smaller guest list. My one real regret is not spending enough time with my husband – we were so busy catching up with friends and family that we forgot to have some time to ourselves, too!
Here to chime in- if you feel in your heart you just want to elope- absolutely go with it! Ours was an intimate and mystical journey that we will always feel like a dream sequence, and more than we could have ever imagined! We have close to 4,000 photos of our ceremony from our very dear photographer/best everything- and I still have to pinch myself!
Ooo, sounds so amazing! Would love to hear what made it dream-sequency but understand if you want to keep that private for your own savor sessions : ).
I attended a wedding over the weekend and there were so many lovely speeches. I was tearing up ALOT!
Oh my god, there are SO MANY things I would do differently if we had a wedding do-over. The wedding itself was wonderful, our marriage is incredible and my husband is fantastic. But with the benefit of hindsight, I 100% wish I had been less of a brat to my parents (who paid!) when they wanted to send invitations to cousins hundreds of miles away (the cousins were never going to attend, but still I balked – why?!). I do wish we’d chosen a different venue – we got married at THE MOST out of the way, hidden in the mountains place. Very little lodging options nearby, windy roads, etc. As an actual Adult now, having attended many other weddings/events, I am horrified that we made our loved ones come to such a hard to reach place (i mean it was beautiful, sure) and also bless, the childcare situation was far from ideal. We wanted all the little kids there, if their parents wanted to bring them! But man, going with a venue that would have been more traditional/closer to an interstate (and airport) and lodging, would have been the more hospitable move. As I said – the day itself was magnificent, and none of those things I listed kept anyone from attending. All of our people showed up for us, which is still deeply touching to me. I guess I just wish we’d had a little more consideration for the guest experience, at the time.
Sunny, you sound like a really kind, thoughtful person! I bet all the parties you throw now are planned to be inclusive and I’m glad you had a wonderful wedding back then 💗
i loved our wedding and would have only done a few things differently. smaller wedding party because most of our friends didn’t seem to understand the importance of us choosing them to be part of the day. pizza at our venue instead of a more formal restaurant for the rehearsal dinner so we could have included all OOT guests. our 20th anniversary is next year and we have milestone birthdays, so we’re thinking of an anniversary/bday celebration with our friends. we moved to DC a few years after we got married and it would be lovely to celebrate with our friends here and have our NYC friends come to town.
A small, dressed to the nines outdoor wedding in a place with a gorgeous view, with dinner after at a tiny restaurant with top notch food. Nothing makes me happier than a good high/low mix.
I see you, Joanna! I did many of these for my 2016 wedding: gold shoes, simple earrings, pies/galettes for dessert, and eight speeches. All things I would do again — it was THE BEST. If I could transport myself back to that day in York nearly ten years ago, I’d do it in an instant. FYI, the eight speeches: my husband, me, my dad, his dad, his mum (divorced parents), his best man, my “man of honour”, my grandmother.
oh my gosh I love this!!!
Not even dating anyone right now, but should I ever get married I want to do it in a green dress. Like a sage green, maybe with a floral print, with a white flower crown. I’m religious and my church has good architecture, so the venue is taken care of already as well. (Now I just need to find a partner! lol)
i’m a divorcée and have no desire to remarry, but i am moving in w my partner of about a decade soon and was thinking i might do a this is not wedding housewarming party outfit inspired by these fantastic white overalls from the cup of jo archives (sans flower crown in my case!) https://cupofjo.com/2010/04/19/city-hall-wedding-in-overalls/
LOVE THIS!!!!!
YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No desire to remarry but would love a ”wedding” party! NOTED FOR FUTURE ME!!!!!!! <3
I’m getting married in September, we’re doing a courthouse wedding in Paris, followed by a lunch, daytime wedding for accessibility needs. We will both be in suits, with customised white trainers.
i love it! sounds so cool and dashing. congrats & hope you have a beautiful day!
this sounds incredible!
What’s with all the wedding posts? Just doesn’t seem normal for CoJ to have the same subject multiple times lol
sometimes we do!
It’s wedding season!
How about Honeymoon dreams?
this would be such a fun post! we did this one, but it was ages ago: https://cupofjo.com/2016/08/04/best-honeymoon-destinations/
If I could do my wedding over, I would skip the whole thing and elope in beautiful clothes without telling a soul. Then shoot a text to the local family and friends like,”Surprise! Meet us at xyz restaurant for fancy pizza, if you can!”, and then spend the next three days at a spa getting the best massages on earth, hopefully.
Im getting married early July and…nobody knows (except the two of us) We are going to city hall on a random Friday and then we will grab a bite before picking up our kids from school. I find it so exciting :)
Congratulations!! My parents got married at city hall in a brown suit and pink wool mini dress, and since then, I’ve always found that venue the chicest. Hope a photo from your day makes it to some future CoJ roundup!
I had exactly the wedding I wanted. The husband in a navy suit with pink socks and a tie! Me in a simple dress that was made specifically for me, not unlike Joanna’s or Carolyn Bessette Kennedy (this was almost 10 years ago and she has been one of my two style icons since forever, her and Kate Moss). I wore gold, sparkly heels, my grandma’s saphire ring (which my mom and two sisters wore at their weddings) and a pearl necklace I wrapped around my wrist as a bracelet (it was given to me by my mother in law and it was her mom’s). We had a simple ceremony and brunch with our immediate families at a restaurant overlooking lake Michigan. We then went back to our condo and had a party with friends on our roof. We had kegs from a local brewery, sandwiches from my favorite restaurant group, cake from a local bakery and oodles and oodles of sparkling wine. As perfect as it was, if I had to do it all over again, I’d elope. Even simple was stressful leading up to the big day.
Hi! Thank you for this post. I have been reading for years but have never commented. My partner and I are getting married at a Brooklyn restaurant next year and we are so excited, but we are struggling to find wedding dresses that are simpler/not super formal and traditional. Thank you for the recommendation!
oooh yes! I would recommend just searching for white dresses at regular retailers (vs wedding dress brands). for example, these are so beautiful! cotton posy midi slip
A quick aside about the picture at the top of the post. You’ve recommended the movie Palm Springs in the past and I finally watched it last week and wow, what a terrific movie. I LOVED it!
Came here to celebrate the joy that is the movie Palm Springs! (And to laugh, again, about the time I totally forgot what was in the first 10 minutes, only remembered the movie as an innocent rom-com, and sat down to watch it with my extremely conservative religious in-laws. Andy Samberg himself would fall off a couch laughing at the deep, excruciating, slowly-unfolding awkwardness that ensued.)
A 50s style big poofy skirt in a champagne colored satin with a bright red sash; no party, just a small lunch after a small ceremony. Frankly, too much of my wedding twenty years ago was my mother living out her dreams of what she wanted after growing up always hearing about how she didn’t get what she wanted for her wedding reception, bless her heart!❤️
hi jo! i know a bride who, at her wedding, instead of place mats had an illustration of each of the guests… made by her! i thought it was such a lovely touch :) btw the gallettes look AMAZING! (and please let sasha know he has a typo in the “caramelized” one :))
You would love a Swedish wedding, they are all about speeches! We had a whopping seventeen speeches at our wedding on a park island in Stockholm (Långholmen) nine years ago, and they were all so good! We also wrote our own ceremony and had four officients (each lead a different section) plus four readings and two live performances of songs, meaning a grand total of sixteen friends and family members participated in the ceremony. I was a wedding planner before moving to Sweden, and having planned literally 100 other weddings before my own left me feeling totally free to take the parts that mattered to us and leave the rest (no white dress, no cake, no bouquet! Yes letterpress invitations, yes flower crown, yes upgraded wine glasses, and yes ending with 2am swimming.) All in all, I have never felt more truly seen than I did that day. What a way to start a marriage. What a gift.
Easter eggs???
My daughter’s wedding was, like the ideas you posted, very simple. The dress not unlike the one featured. Her shoes a comfortable deep red velvet. The guest list of 17. A simple but wonderful Italian lunch in a tiny restaurant, just for us. Speeches, songs at the table. No cake at all. Best of all? I did zero organising, it was all theirs and I just made myself available for helping where needed. The next night was a lively,rowdy party with two cakes and friends/family in an Edinburgh venue. Very different to my own wedding which was a big and traditional affair, but also just what I wanted, filled with friends and family, the dress of my choice, the flowers of my choice. Nobody has to follow a rule book.
I had such a lovely wedding (and more importantly, a lovely spouse!) but the days was completely built around making our parents happy instead of ourselves. It was stressful and performative. Thirteen years later (& two children), we live in Switzerland. We often talk of having another simple ceremony at one of the many, tiny mountaintop chapels we hike or ski by in the Alps. We would have our children with us and we would write new vows around the stuff that is really meaningful in marriage. I mean what did I really know about life when I got married at 26?! xoxo
One of my favorite children’s books The Scarecrows’ Wedding by Julia Donaldson always has me loving the simple – “a dress of white feathers, a necklace of shells, lots of pink flowers, two rings and some bells” After a painful and mean divorce, I can safely say that I see no point in getting re-married but I’d love to find my Harry O’Hay who will help me gather lots of pink flowers and a commitment to be my scarecrow, truthful and kind in a simple ceremony for just the two of us.
I want that book. One of my best friends I left back on the East Coast is called Scarecrow. Her nickname. I address her mail that way and everything. Anyway I would love to get that book for her. I got her a childrens’ book before called The Scarecrow by Beth Ferry. This one sounds charming !! Can’t wait to look it up. And that wedding, yes, sounds perfect.
My kids love that book! Did you see the BBC adaptation at Christmas?
Our wedding 23 years ago was perfect, I wouldn’t change a thing. In my childhood backyard, wearing a simple but enjoyably poofy white dress, just family and three close friends, great food eaten from china from both sides of the family, a campfire with s’mores, everyone in a circle singing “Piano Man”, funny heartfelt perfect speeches. A deer walked by and watched the ceremony for a minute. Our officiant talked about my grandfather who had died a few days before and the wind rustled through the aspen trees during that one moment only. My husband only ever ate PB&J the entire time he grew up and everyone always teased him that he’d be eating PB&J at his wedding, so we had heart-shaped PB&J’s for hors d’oeuvres. It was the best.
we got married in vegas 32 years ago. i wore a white linen dress and he wore jeans. this time i would wear a fancy dress that buttoned down the back and he would wear suit. plus. mexican food reception, hate catered chicken.
I’m the kind of girl who has always had a Pinterest board for my future wedding. I have a very clear idea of what I’d want it to look like: the dress, the flowers, all of it. But I also have a pretty clear idea of what I want it to feel like. I want it to feel like a party, with all the people I love in one big bubble of joy, celebration, and dancing. That said, I’m 26. I’m single, and I’m coming out of a relationship that doesn’t exactly make me eager to jump into another one right away. But I still believe it’ll happen someday, and I can still picture it being everything I’ve always imagined. And there will be carrot cake.
I was so similar, dreaming of my wedding since age 4 or 5. I even had a wedding one year instead of a birthday party! Fast forward many years and heartbreaks later, I ended up getting married at 38 with a very short engagement. I was surprised by how little I ended up caring about a lot of the details, but it was exactly the feeling you described. The best party in a bubble of joy. And there was carrot cake!!!
Judith, I had carrot cake, with THICK cream cheese frosting. Zero regrets. I worked at a bakery at the time, and the owner gifted us the cake (and huge chocolate grooms cake too). The baker was my dear friend Jean, this amazingly talented, always smiling, snarky badass of a woman who i loved so so much. She died just 3 years later, far far too young, of cancer. I attended her funeral, people spilling out everywhere, heavily pregnant with my 2nd. We named her for Jean. It doesn’t make me sad that I think of death too, when I think of my wedding. Many people who were there 31 years ago are gone now. Just the vast connection of everything. I hope everything your dreaming of, and more, comes to you.
Trying to tell us something, Jo? 👀
My thoughts exactly 🥰
If this does ever happen 👀 just imagine all the speeches about Jo we could all write! 💛
We had a daytime wedding at a restaurant – great food, drink, cake. No dancing, lots of speeches. Confetti at the end!
this sounds beautiful!
I am so with you on the speeches, Jo! I’m also not a fan of dancing, but my best friend and maid of honor wrote a comedy song about our friendship and performed it on her Ukulele and my dad read an essay he had written about me when I was a toddler… If everyone puts actual thought into the speeches, it’s truly an art performance!
This gives me hope and also makes me sad, and I guess that’s life, isn’t it?
I’ve been reading for years, and had to leave my first comment for this post! I’m getting married next weekend and I’m wearing a long blush pink dress covered in embroidered wildflowers :). And blue shoes!
this sounds so gorgeous, Alice!! so glad you’re here!
Oooh that sounds so beautiful—hope you have a wonderful day!
That sounds perfect. Captures early summer spirit. Be very, very happy.
I got married last October for the second time. The first time I was very young and pretty much let my mother in law run the show in order to avoid making waves (spoiler: couldn’t keep up that charade forever lol) This time I vowed that everything would be just as we wanted it. We did the ceremony in our backyard, decorated with dried flowers and long candles, served champagne and bubbly water and had a taco truck and some lovely cakes from a great local bakery, my dress was simple, my brother officiated, we wrote our own vows, my daughter was our flower girl, it was small and perfect. I love all your ideas and hope to see photos from your second wedding soon(ish)! :)))
I love this thread. My partner and I got married eleven years ago in Brooklyn. It felt so much like us and I’m so glad that the parts we planned together felt like us. Before we did any planning together we each sat down and wrote the three most important things for us on that day. The lists were so similar, we wanted to host people well, have great food and drinks, and involve the people we loved. It’s funny to be writing this because it’s still who we are today, we love our friends deeply and want to host you in our home. We hired our favorite bartenders from a place where we had some milestone dates to bartend our wedding. Our friends who had skills were hired (and paid) to photograph our wedding, do the flowers, etc… Our food was by a bbq spot in Brooklyn that we loved. We severed pies because it was November instead of cake. And we danced and drank. Oh and we didn’t let family pressure us into inviting people we didn’t like. I think the one thing I wish I’d done differently was feeling like I was inconveniencing people with my individual needs. My dress wasn’t exactly what I wanted but I felt bad dragging people around to keep shopping. And my hair the day of wasn’t exactly me but I felt bad asking the person to fix it. So if you’re planning it’s ok to have needs and it doesn’t make you a bridezilla.
We got married in the morning with an afternoon reception at a local restaurant. We had a swing band (no member under the age of 75!) for afternoon dancing, heavy hor d’oevres, and everyone still talks about our wedding cake (a cheesecake) 27 years later. The reception was over at 4:00 and my husband and I went out for dinner, just the two of us. The only thing I wish we had done differently is that one of my grandmas didn’t attend (she was in a nursing home at the time and didn’t want to make the trip) and I wish we had taken the hour to drive to her home so she (and all her lady friends) could see me in my dress. She would have loved that.
I got married for the second time (new guy the second time around!) One thing we did was to make our wedding “not at all” like our previous weddings. And I am so glad we talked about this and were very intentional that our wedding represented us. I picked a very different dress, totally different vibe on everything and honestly, it was magical how going out of my way to not pick my comfort zone but instead pick what I really wanted if I could have anything I wanted helped. So my only advice is that if you do end up planning another wedding maybe don’t pick something that feels familiar or has any of the vibes of anything else you had at a first wedding no matter how comfortable, go into the reaches of your imagination and get a little crazy to find a new comfortable! It makes the day so fresh and new and even more comfortable!
Juuuust in case someone needs this push, I’ll say this: I’d keep my husband, but I wouldn’t have had a wedding at all! If I could do it all over again, I would elope, which is what I had always envisioned myself doing if I ever got married. My mother-in-law pushed us into having a traditional wedding and reception, saying (threatening?) that we’d regret it for the rest of our lives if we didn’t. She spent the reception checking in at our table saying “Aren’t you happy you did this? Are you enjoying your special day?” (Nope! Stressed out!) Over a decade later, I wish I had stuck to my guns. But…powerful lesson learned!
I’m glad I’m not the only one! I have a super great marriage… but it almost feels crappy that the first thing we did as an engaged couple was to cave to our family demands. We moved our location because people didn’t want to drive to the mountains, we hired a judge, bought dumb flowers, invited folks who barely knew us, the list goes on. If you are reading this and your wedding doesn’t feel genuinely like you, BAIL. Do it for Melissa and me!
I hear you! It is so wrong for family or other people to force something on to you for your wedding day. Why can’t people accept it’s not about them?? I feel like I would want a beautiful elopement (still with a lovely dress and flowers, ect) and maybe a later gathering at a brewery or something with all my friends and family with cake!!
Same, girl! EXACTLY the same situation over here. Still lusting after our micro-wedding in Big Sur that didn’t happen! The marriage turned out great though, so grateful for that even if our big day wasn’t exactly ours!
Melissa, I don’t regret our wedding, but also, I’d NEVER have another, and if I had to do it over, I’d elope too. When we are young, it’s just so easy to let the older adults (moms, mils) overly influence. Because they were mostly paying, I felt like they had a say, and I wasn’t about to make waves as the only daughter in both families. Much of our wedding was lovely, but not my choice. Too many people (many i barely knew but mom insisted). Too formal. Too old fashioned. I encourage others to realize, it’s yours. No matter who is paying.
We had a very simple, almost-elopement style wedding. It was only our siblings and parents at the exchanging of vows, and then we all ate lunch at a local restaurant after, and that was it! No guests, no reception, no bridal party. People will ask me sometimes if I regret it, and the honest truth is that I don’t! I’ve never once regretted it! When it comes to getting married, I think room for regret comes in when you do what you feel others want rather than what you really want. All that to say, I support your message!
Oh my gosh, Sasha from Montana, my in-laws didn’t pay for anything! In fact, when my MIL wanted to add a bunch of people we barely knew to the guest list and my husband and I resisted, she rolled her eyes and said, “how much do I have to pay to get them there?” We had deliberately chosen a smaller venue that capped our guest list so that we could say it was an issue of space and not money when we knew something like this would inevitably come up…looking back, I can’t believe the hoops we jumped through! But wow, all of this solidarity makes me somehow feel better about it? In some ways I think that experience was the start of a long journey for my husband and I to figure out who we actually were as adults, a couple, and a family. It’s been bumpy, but rewarding!
I had a big, traditional wedding, which I know is not the usual vibe around here (and that’s totally cool! I love reading stories about small, unique weddings!) and even though I’m a total introvert and don’t like dancing and was very worried I’d be overwhelmed, my wedding was the absolute best and I tell people all the time if there was one thing I could change it would be to invite MORE people. It meant so much to our parents to have their friends there, and I loved having my high school friends meet my college friends meet my husband’s friends, and having every one of my cousins in one room– just the best. I wish we had just kept going!! I remember I saw a photo a few years ago of a ton of my cousins in fancy clothes and wondered why I wasn’t there, and then I realized it was at MY WEDDING!!
Sarah, I love to see this comment! I’m getting married in July – a big, traditional wedding! Like you, I’m introverted and a little worried about being overwhelmed. All the other comments here are people who had unique intimate weddings or big weddings which they have come to regret. Thank you for chiming in and making me feel better about the approach we landed on. Loud, crowded and old school!
I never comment here despite having read for years but I just want to say to Elizabeth below, I wish you the most amazing day, it will be fabulous!!! Like Sarah I had a big, traditional wedding with ALL the cousins, friends etc and I have many of them. I’m the oldest of 35 grandchildren on my Mum’s side so you can just imagine… My wedding day was without doubt the very best day of my life, 12 years and 2 kids later and it still brings tears of happiness to my eyes. It was worth every penny we spent just to feel like that for a day. I’m also an introvert who hates attention and I was worried. BUT that feeling of happiness and love cannot be equalled. I remember on the day a friend said outside the church, if we could bottle the feeling of the crowd we would be rich. Luckily I can still feel it. Enjoy your day X
I just came here to say the same thing! We had a big wedding with almost all the traditional stuff. We did it in my hometown so my grandmother could come, which required travel for most of our friends and my husband’s family, and so we planned a whole weekend of activities for people. And it was SO SO FUN! There was dancing! There were shenanigans! There was cake! It’s been ten years and our friends still talk about how much fun our wedding was. I’m also a bit of an introvert but it ended up being so special to have people from all parts of your life together at one time. 10/10 would do it again!
Emma & Gouj, your comments are making me emotional and even more excited! I dreamed of a micro wedding of sorts but with two large Irish Catholic families and so many friends that we love, that was never going to happen hah! To my surprise, I’ve felt judged by people when we tell them we’re having a big traditional wedding. A lot of “God, that’s my worst nightmare!” and “that must be costing a fortune” but I am despite the nerves, I am SO excited and can’t wait to celebrate with 200 people we love so much. I just can’t believe that many people are willing to be there to celebrate with us!
Chiming in to say that I also had a pretty big wedding, and am so glad I did! My husband and I eloped in the mountains with just the two of us at the beginning of the pandemic, then had a big wedding 1.5 years later with the ballgown and aisle and 80+ guests and the best dance party ever. I also spent a lot of time and energy trying to make sure that guests were taken care of and accommodated, from clear communication to good vegan options to toiletry kits in the bathrooms, because I have so appreciated things like that when I’ve been a guest. It was the most wonderful, joyous day, filled with DIYs I spent hours on and tons of friends and over-the-top moments and I have never felt so seen or so loved. And five years later, people are still talking about how fun it was! If you want a big wedding, do it!
I sent my daughter a card for her engagement that said, “Congratulations, you’re about to have the wedding your mother always wanted.” The wedding was (mostly) her plan, and it’s still the best wedding I’ve attended in over 60 years. She had a morning wedding with just one attendant, and a brunch reception with great food. There was a trio playing on the front porch as background, and a low enough noise level that all those relatives and friends were able to talk without shouting. The little kids were able to play outside in front of the porch. Such a wonderful was to get started in a new life.
interesting, heartwarming thing i noticed – sacha the baker names paul kalanithi’s when breath becomes air as one of his favorite books on the website you hyperlinked <3
I don’t think I would change anything. Ours was book-themed since we are both avid readers. We did not have a dance and we had speeches from my MIL, my parents (my mom’s was very brief), my matrons of honor and the best men. My husband and I both gave speeches too and my husband had people laughing hysterically and crying by the end. I wish I had a video of it but it will live in my heart forever.
When I got married 10 or so years ago (now divorced but on good terms!) we had karaoke instead of dancing. It was SO FUN. And those who wanted to dance still could, because of the “concert” going on. We definitely had to be told to leave by our wedding venue bc no one wanted to end the evening.
Wedding or no wedding I think you should throw this party.
Agreed! We need more multigenerational celebrations! Plz!
Well, I planned TWO weddings in the last year, so I’m not in a hurry to plan another. My partner and I joke as funny bit that we are on our second marriage already (ie. We had a civil ceremony in the winter and then celebrated our cultural traditions10 months later). But what fun the two days were…. one included a Chinese banquet meal, the other we served ice cream (from Stewart’s, an iykyk ice cream spot in upstate ny) and homemade carrot cake for dessert. I wore the same dress for both days and had it altered the second time around by adding pearl embellished puff sleeves and a pearl embellished juliet cap veil. It was splendid! The only thing I would have added was doing the hora but it was a daytime affair and the venue had low ceilings so I didn’t want to risk it…. but maybe for our ‘third’ marriage in a few years, we’ll get around to the hora! ;) Most importantly, I’d marry my partner again and again, as cheesy as that sounds!
That doesn’t sound cheesy at all! So happy for you!
A big no to lots of speeches. This is the most common complaint from wedding guests. “Speeches were too long”
But if they’re good, it’s amazing!
I’m with you…I have heard very few wedding speeches that were good in my 50 years of attending weddings. Another pet peeve is that the music is so loud all through the meal so that it is impossible to converse with fellow guests. Other than that I love weddings!!!
Such a big “if,” Joanna! 😂💕 and I’m with Carol on this re the music, too!
I was remarried last year at 60. We eloped to Maui, and then hosted a rock & roll themed party for friends and family. I love, love, love being creative, so we really leaned into the theme. My three besties were bouncers at the door, we had a velvet rope to enter, and everyone had lanyards that said Backstage Pass with their table number and a QR code to upload photos. The decor was black with gold, lots of candles for mood lighting. We hosted it at a brewery that offered a bunch of wines too. I picked each and every song for the cocktail hour, dinner, and dancing. It was so damn fun that I wish we could do it every year! And I still listen to my playlist!!
This is SO COOL.
My first wedding was courthouse + renting out a fun bar nearby with ping pong and a photo booth. We skipped almost all traditions and just celebrated with friends. I still swear by this formula! I’m starting to talk about wedding plans with my new partner (who’s never been married) and assumed he’d want something bigger and more traditional, but we decided we’ll just wake up one Friday, keep my kids out of school, and head to the courthouse then repeat our first date route with an invitation to friends to join us at our favorite cocktail bar! I’m eyeing some casual options from Reformation (drool)! I weirdly feel more excited to celebrate the second time around – I’m older and know what I’m getting into and so excited for another shot at love :)
Omg if you do this can we do a post on it? Love the idea of letting kids skip school for…a wedding!!
You must have a really good attention span! I’d be so twitchy and fidgety sitting through lots of speeches. I got married so long ago that I left a lot of the planning to my mom and the rehearsal dinner planning to my MIL. My MIL had people sign up when they RSVP’d for toasts at the rehearsal dinner and it was just awful. Not just because it went on forever (and it did!), but because so many people made the toasts about themselves. Blech. That being said, if I was planning a wedding today, I’d invite people we were really close with, and that would hopefully eliminate a lot of the egocentric guests. Small and simply would be my theme in this era. One thing I wouldn’t change is that I insisted on every guest being given a really large slice of cake, because I do love cake, and guests are never given generous slices.
Agree wholeheartedly about the cake !! Yay you !!
I had a medium sized backyard wedding in 2012. I did 100% of the planning and actually got married in my boss’ backyard where I also worked out of, so I obsessed about my wedding daily for months. If I were getting married again, I’d probably do another backyard wedding. It’s my favorite kind of party. I would not wear a white dress again. No knock against white dresses, but I would pick the most fun dress I could find. Something outrageously bright and joyful. I went overboard with details the first time around (like the cocktail table I hand-tiled with hundreds of small mirrors), I’d probably do less crafts. I had bouquets made at a local whole foods and they only charged $10 a bouquet! We then used the bouquets as part of the centerpieces. I adore florals, but they are so expensive, so I would do that again or even make my own. The one thing I would have changed was hiring a DJ or a band. We had a shoestring budget and put together our own playlist, but I’m a huge sucker for a dance party.
I love “dance floor energy” (despite hating attention and not being a good dancer), and I was so worried we wouldn’t get that with our smaller guest list when we got married last fall. But I had a small-room karaoke bachelorette party and felt so much better after seeing that just seven people could have a dance party! We didn’t have a long reception, just a couple hours of dancing after dinner, and I’d really fussed over the playlist. I wound up putting Don’t Stop Believing near the end, and somehow we all wound up in a big circle, arms around each other and swaying and singing along, and I nearly cried from happiness at seeing everyone together like that.