What Funny Things Have You Said as a Parent?
The other evening, it was witching hour, and my three kids were…
…hyped.
We had just spent the past hour playing in the backyard. Tag, hide-and-seek, and drawing a never-ending hopscotch grid with chalk on the warm cement. But then, a cool ocean fog rolled in, cutting short our outside time. My husband stayed outside to pick up the toys, while I ushered the children into the house. At that time of day, everyone’s on their last legs, myself included. In the frenzied minutes between afternoon play and evening routine, here are some of the sentences that came out of my mouth:
Emiliano, we don’t spit in this house!
Oh, Ella, honey, people might not like it if you tell them they will die forever.
Yes, you can stand on my back. Just no jumping.
Please don’t lick the baby.
At that time, all my attention was focused on playing and explaining why we don’t cover babies with saliva. But later that night, when the kids were tucked into bed, I started laughing.
Since becoming a parent five years ago, I’ve had many moments of laughter and joy — some, I expected: Marveling at my babies’ sweet profiles. Or introducing them to solids — watching them delight in perfectly ripe strawberries and creamy Greek yogurt. I even anticipated some of the harder moments, such as cleaning diaper blowouts, managing overtired toddlers, and trusting others to care for my kids just as much as I do. And of course, I expected to laugh at the funny phrases and questions they came up with.
But what I did not expect was all the off-the-wall phrases that parenting would draw out of my own mouth.
How about you? What funny things have you said to the kids in your life?
P.S. How to teach your kids to chat during dinner and parenting in 10 words or fewer.
(Photo by Tara Romasanta Photography/Stocksy.)
Comments
95 commentshoney, I can’t turn down the wind. I wish I could. as my two year old is having a tantrum for me to turn off the wind. (also a similar tantrum with the sun:)
Sixty years later, I still remember our Mom telling my brother when he borrowed the car, “Now be careful; you never know what some other dumb fool is going to do!”
One of our house rules: No comedy routines at the table! (Eldest is now an actor.)
hahaha that is so cool!
“I’m sorry, mommy can’t give you that ball up there because that isn’t a ball, it’s the moon.”
“we do not throw potatoes!”
In utter exasperation one evening when the children (actually my nephews) were jumping from the sofa to the recliner, I yelled, “Stop propelling yourselves through the air!!” I mean, how the heck did that even translate to 3 and 4 year olds?!
“please don’t saw your bedroom furniture.”
Actually, I was the one who sawed the bedroom furniture. When my youngest was about three (now 40) I was standing on my mattress, sawing the finial off my headboard, and heard myself saying: if Daddy calls, don’t tell him what I’m doing. Even as I realized that Daddy wasn’t likely to notice that I had taken a saw to our bedroom furniture. We have a different headboard now.
During a heat wave, to my child who was standing in front of the open refrigerator: “there are better ways to cool off than putting hot dogs on your face.”
My teenager told me he hated me and i just replied, it was ok i loved him more than enough for the both of us. He was stunned and apologised. Bottom line, he didn’t get the reaction he wanted.
My friend to her daughter – “No, your vagina is not a pocket! Do not put your candy there for later.”
To my four-year-old who has just exclaimed, “Damnit! We’re out of protein shakes.” Me, “Ok, babe. You’ve only got one swear left.” Kid, “Oh, damnit, I’m all out.”
Hahahaha!
I made an older woman laugh on the subway the other day because I said to my two-year-old, “oh no! We don’t lick the subway….pause… no! We also don’t kiss the subway!…. pause.. AND we don’t bite the subway! How about nothing about our mouth touches the subway at all?!?”
When my siblings and I were in our late teens, we were sitting around the campfire and my youngest brother was being an absolute tool, trying to get under my dad’s skin, which is his best and most honed skill. My dad was well past annoyed and into real pissed territory and bellows, “Carter, knock it off or I’m gonna smack you from here to earth!” …as we were sitting on earth. He was spittin’ mad and it was actually quite tense. I snuck a peek at my dad from across the campfire and found him fighting for his life, trying not to laugh. Finally he cracked and we all laughed until we cried. We still laugh about it, 25 years later. It is even legendary among the grandkids now.
This is epic. Reminds me of the time when my daughter was going crazy in the bath and I said THE MORE YOU SPLASH, THE MORE YOU’RE COMING OUT.
One of the few things that gets my child to cooperate lately is when I act like a very naughty baby and refuse to do things. Mortifying behavior for someone in middle age but sometimes I’m desperate. “No mama! Underwear go on head!” I often shout in the morning in a pretend baby voice.
I never actually SAID this, but I have a greeting card that states: “if it’s got testicles or tires, it’s gonna give you trouble”. Married with two adult sons and three grandsons (plus three male dogs), I have found this to be a fail safe correct statement. I report this with love! Waiting with glee for the next baby boy shower I attend.
At the very beginning of Covid, I took my 3 year old to a local store to buy shelf stable food and (of course) toilet roll. Whilst we were waiting to pay my nromally very sensible 3 year old decided a global pandemic was the best time to try licking the side of the checkout till area. So “Don’t lick the till during a global pandemic” was certainly not something I ever expected to escape my lips!
Oh god, so many weird sentences ! Lately, to my two girls : – no naked wrestling – it’s forbidden to bark in the house ( we don’t have a dog ) – don’t dip your bread in the toilet ….
My son (2.5), while pooping in a public bathrooms: “My poo looks crazy! It looks like Frankenstein!” Me (35), in earshot of every adult in the bathroom: wholeheartedly agreeing with him
I took my niece into the bathroom the other day and she told me her poo looked like a “little brown croissant”. Makes me chuckle every time I think about it!
My daughter on the way to preschool, noticing Halloween decorations 4yo: “are skeleton bones human bones?” me: “yea! That’s what human bones looks like! Isn’t that cool?!” 4yo: silence me: “…wait no, they are not like, real human bones” 4yo: “oh good” (clearly relieved)
In a Target bathroom stall with a baby and a toddler, right after giving birth to my second child, my oldest said loudly “when (name) came out of your vagina she was as teeny as a bee!” Friends, I just went with it.
I vividly remember saying to my then 2 year old (now 18 year old SOB) “Buddy we’ve talked about this, please do not put Cheerios in your bellybutton, you can’t feed yourself that way” and right after I said it, I thought 1. I never thought I would say that sentence, and 2. I just acknowledged that not only have I said it, but it’s not the first time!
To my son’s 5 year old’s baseball team in 2021during Covid times, stop kissing and licking each other!
Recently had to attempt to say “let’s try not to stick our fingers in our bums” but started laughing so hard I couldn’t get it out. In fact, I’ve got the giggles again just typing this.
I’m still learning about boundaries in life but kids make it pretty clear pretty fast. ‘No feet on the table’ and my favorite I put together because it was all very relevant: “No kicking, no licking, no fighting, no biting, no hitting, no spitting’ covered a lot of bases!
My three year old son loves Beauty and the Beast, especially Lumiere and Cogsworth. After watching the movie several times, he really picked up on calling people, “overgrown pocket watches”. At one point I had to sit him down and tell him, “we do not call people pocket watches out of anger”. I never imagined that was a phrase I would use so many times!
But maybe we should call them pocket watches? Like, that’s so much nicer than many other names AND, it could result in laughter and total de-escalation. I think your kiddo is onto something!
When my mum died I wanted a chance for the kids to see her coffin and ask any questions they had before the funeral so it wasn’t a shock on the day. I told them they could ask anything they wanted. My then 5 year old son, looking very serious, asked me if Granny would come back as a zombie. I found myself standing in the funeral home next to my mother’s coffin explaining to a small boy that people only come back as zombies if they were killed by a zombie bite, but because granny had cancer we wouldn’t have to worry because people who die of cancer don’t come back as the undead. The funeral director was trying so hard not to laugh, and I like to think somewhere in the ether my mother was too :)
Most of the ones I remember seem to be animal-related? I write them down but without the context: – “ONE axolotl swimming pool is enough!” – “If you just go downstairs, I’ll throw the giraffe down for you.” – “Phew I nearly tripped over the ladybug there!”
I feel all these comments about penises! When my son was a newborn I found a card that read “please don’t touch your penis” and inside “things I never thought I would say. Happy Mother’s Day!” I bought one for myself and several more to give to my friends who are expecting/have baby boys. Motherhood brings out new phrases every day!
I’ve had to say “We only touch our penises when we’re in the tub or in the privacy of our room” out loud, in public, too many times.
My kids are grown now, but one of our favorite family stories is the time they were begging to watch something before bed (probably around 5 and 8 years old) and I (stupidly) said “the only thing you two are going to be watching is the inside of your eyelids!” They both paused to think about what that meant, and then burst into tears. ” What does that even mean?” Neither could fall asleep for hours because they were terrified of having to see the inside of their eyelids.
OMG Jules- the way I am cry laughing at this. So good! I could totally envision this coming out of my own mouth too!
“No, you cannot marry your sister.” And then “no, not even when we don’t tell anyone.”
I love this – my kids also wanted to marry each other at one point and when I explained it was technically illegal, my oldest retorted “well that is a dumb rule”. Laughing on the inside….
Yup, I had to explain to my kids several times that you can’t marry someone who is already in your family.
One of the weirdest experiences as a parent is having to explain to your children concepts that feel so universal you forget that people aren’t just born knowing about it…like graves. This weekend, my 5yo son and I were in rural North Carolina when we came upon some unexpected headstones. I explained to him they were marking graves. “What’s a grave?” So then I find myself explaining how, in our tradition, we bury people once they die. This prompted a whole slew of questions ending with, “Can we go in there and dig?” I found myself saying “No, we can’t dig up the graves.” A couple standing nearby overheard and started chuckling hahah. (And while I now the questions is, in general, bananas, it’s actually more understandable coming from a 5yo who love dinosaurs and the idea of fossils hahaha.)
My almost-reading child used to call them “rip stones” because, you know, RIP.
When we were walking through the cemetery to the graveside service for my father-in-law, my 4 yr old son pointed at one of the flat-style headstones and said with great enthusiasm, “Mom, I want one just like that !!” All the people walking near us stifled a laugh….
My daughter would talk about the light whispers in her room at night. It was creepy. I laid down with her one night and she quietly said “light whispers” as a car turned the corner outside with its headlights on. Shadows… she meant shadows. But they are light whispers now to all of us.
I absolutely love this. Such poetry.
As a mom of 2 boys, there were sooooooo many directions involving penises — “you need to be in charge of your own penis,” “please make sure your penis is where it is supposed to be,” etc. Honestly, why am I having to explain this? Now I find myself saying things to my dogs that also astound me — “that’s not the right voice for talking to our friends” (loud barking at a dog across the park), “use your manners, please” (when getting excited about approaching another dog), and “I love you but I don’t want my face licked after you sniffed your brother’s tail” all have come out of my mouth this morning.
With two toddlers and a 4-month old baby, I’ve become very focused on getting my shower every day and treat it with a lot of respect and appreciation for how much better it makes me feel. I’ll often say “I need to take a shower right now” or “I can’t do that until I take a shower.” I think this is wearing off on my 3-year-old daughter. The other day she said “When baby grows up, she’ll be an astronaut and when I grow up I’ll take showers.”
hahahaha
My 3yo niece when she was 2-ish started copying her mom. Because she is a small child, she would call out for mama if she needed help (usually with nothing remotely serious), and my sister would yell back, “I’m busy.” So my niece got into the habit of saying, “I’m busy,” if someone called her name.
Just add water works in verbal form, too!
Potty training my son: “point your penis down!”
My brother said to his son: “No, you can’t pee in your sister’s yoghurt “.
Not my own but overheard at a petting zoo when my eldest was little: “Sebastian, no! Don’t lick the pig!”
Okay, I’ve made three comments but I had to share this one. When my daughter was little, she liked to play Clue, we’d seen ghostbusters (the lady one) and my husband would make a video every few months of the new words she could say. He’d say, “Apple,” and she’d repeat it, etc. “Ghostbusters.” “Ghost Musters!” “Ghost busters.” “Ghost Mustard!” I still have the video and I’m going to go watch it. Xoxo.
My son picks up the lyrics of songs very easily and likes to sing along in “English” (we live in Northern Europe and my kids are bilingual; none of them are familiar with actual English yet). After a couple of sessions with Just Dance, my little boy happily sang “na-na-na-na-na-na-na, scones busters!”. If I ever open a café, I know what to call it ☺️
when my son was little the song Radioactive was released. He loved it and sang it loudly…. but wrong. instead of singing “radioactive” he sang “ready to whack you” lol. It was the best!
When my youngest sisters were little, they’d say “dangerous lee-hazel” instead of “dangerous liaison” while listening to Jason Mraz’s “The Remedy.”
Literally last night, to my distraught two year old son – “I’m so sorry, it’s just not possible to kiss your testicle and penis goodnight!!”
I had my two very close together. There’s a 17 month age gap. Once when I was in the very thick of the madness of parenting two tiny babies, my husband was out of town and I had to give the toddler a bath. He’s in the bathtub, I’m holding the baby. I’m exhausted. It’s the end of a day of soloing with two bundles of chaos. I look down, and there’s something dark on the floor. And while I wa spooking, another dark plop landed. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes yes. My son pooed in the tub and threw it at me and the baby. I don’t even remember how I exited the bathroom, secured the baby and started on the boy. It’s been about 10 years but I will never forget the horror of the poo bath. (I am very very squeamish.)
When my daughter was little, as the more daring child she’d often be doing something a little on the edge of danger and she’d say, “Mom, look at this! Look! Don’t watch me! Don’t look!” Knowing that I don’t like seeing the scary parts, she’d warn me off as she’s ebulliently yelling for attention.
We go on a lot of walks through our neighborhood, and I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to say “Don’t touch other people’s cars!” to my three kids (even the 16yo).
“Please open your eyes before you open your mouth,” is my standard response when kids are asking for my help to look for things in plain sight.
Iconic
The one that always comes up as a stupid thing my children (…my daughter points out my son) have made me need to say is “We don’t press the elevator buttons with our nose especially since we just said it smells like pee in here.” I wish I’d written them down at the time because there were plenty of these sorts of things!
Just yesterday we were eating dinner outside and I found myself hollering to my 6 year old “do NOT stick your tongue into the air conditioner!”
We live in Manchester, UK, where the weather is not so great most of the year but a couple of weeks ago it was perfectly warm and I had the garden ready for the kids, inflatable pool filled, icecreams, sun loungers out. Meanwhile my six years old was upset with me because I had told him he couldn’t hoover the stairs while it was so nice outside and he had to come and play in the garden.
Please consider saving this story for your future Daughter-in-Law!
On repeat, “you can let it go. It isn’t going to fly away” and “we don’t live in an airport, flush the toilet.” Boy moms will know what I am talking about. :)
When my son was 4 he got “written up” because he peed in another child’s head for cutting in front of him on the slide. I was mortified! In the car as I was buckling him into his car seat, he told me what happened and I told him very sternly, “You keep your penis in your pants! Never pee on anyone ever again!”. When I left the back seat and closed the door I started laughing so hard because I couldn’t believe what I had just just said out loud, convincingly and with authority. Parenthood is so weird!
I’m laughing so hard, I can’t even think of anything to add. What an absolutely hilarious and wonderful column, THANKS everyone!
Seconded!
Thirded!
To my daughter who continues to surprise me: “What are you doing in the toilet?” She was standing, both feet in the toilet, splashing like she was at a splashpad. Somewhere around the same age, while playing in Prospect Park “Put down the dead rat.”
My 7 year old is still trying to understand what marriage actually is and I’ve regularly had to say “no we can’t marry our parents or siblings even though we love them.” He reeeally wants to marry me in particular and told me once he would teach my husband to be mean to me so we would divorce and then we could be married. 🤪
I’ve exclaimed “no licking of the mama!!!” approximately 1000 times over the past decade, including this afternoon (same child). Phrase born from exasperation for sure. Unfortunately I’ve often followed it up with ferocious tickling while yelling “I don’t like being licked!!”, which may have been counterproductive.
i also love hearing my words echoed back in the wild, like this weekend when i heard another parent in a public restroom explaining to their kid “okay so if you have to go to the bathroom again, let’s not wait till it’s an emergency.” haaard relate.
We were at the beach over the weekend, and of course my kids were throwing sand at each other (and us). My go-to is usually “if you don’t stop ______, I’m going to take it away from you.” So out of habit, I said “if you don’t stop throwing the sand, I’m going to take it away and put it all in the lake.” I hope some other parent heard me and felt better about themselves.
“If you two don’t behave on the flight, everytime a kid gets ice cream this summer, you will get a bowl of cold carrots! I MEAN IT.”
“Underwear do not get worn twice” (to my kids…and my husband)
“Please don’t put your penis on the counter” to my 4yo son while we were baking together. With two boys I’ve said so many unexpected things about body parts!
I told my 5 year old niece to behave. “I ammm being HAVE!”
One of my most common parenting phrases is “use your eyeballs.” My kids will “look” for something standing completely still in the middle of the room, but if I tell them to use their eyeballs, it’s like they remember that one must use one’s eye(balls) to actually look for something, and then they will move their bodies around so that those eyeballs can be used.
My daughter was petting our new pug puppy Pippi and asked if she would stop being soft if we washed her. “No. She’s not a new T-shirt.”
OMG we have had two pugs over the years and I miss them everyday. There is literally nothing as sweet in the universe, except maybe a newborn. ( actually, definitely a newborn. Best wishes!
Yes! Pugs are the sweetest and are a no-fail mood booster!!
My kid spaces out a lot, especially during boring tasks like pooping. This has resulted in me saying, then pleading, then shouting “focus on your butt!” much more than I would like to admit.
I cosleep with my son, a few times his foot has somehow found its way down the back of the boxer brief shorts i sleep in. this resulted in a very sleep “please get your foot out of my butt”
Earlier tonight… *husband walks past the open bathroom door, clearing the dinner table while I crouch next to our freshly potty trained, legume-loving 2yo* Me: in case you’re concerned, that’s just beans all over the toilet seat
there is a famous story in my family when we were traveling from NYC to SF in the 1970’s. I was about 9 and my brother 7. We were in the elevator at the Kabuki Hotel and my brother was acting like my brother- a slightly wild 7 year old boy with jet lag and a bit of an attitude. My mom, worn to her last nerve I am sure, said with great authority “Elevator Behavior”. There may have been a stern finger wagging while she said it. Everyone paused…. and he said- What exactly is elevator behavior…. no one had a good answer but we all had a good giggle. Parenting makes for poetry sometimes and other times, just a head shake of wonder….
My favorite line was “That’s a fire hydrant, dogs pee on them. Please don’t lick them.”
“We’re not going to distill pee into drinking water in the backyard today, guys.” That shocked me as I said it. What is my life?
My baby was very keen for a feed and pawing at my chest as I got read and I found myself saying – don’t push! You’re the first one in line.
At an Easter brunch at a local nicer restaurant I heard my husband stage whisper at our 5 year-old, who had just retrieved an escaped rasher of bacon from under the table, and was holding it aloft like it was the baton and he’d just won the 4x100m relay, “We do NOT eat FLOOR MEAT.” I laughed so hard my face went numb.
I’ll stick to the ones I say all the time, enough that my now 11yo and almost 15yo can parrot them back (fondly, I think/hope) at me as “mom-isms”: * Your pants are NOT a napkin. * (Related!): Lapkin, please! (our portmanteau for putting a napkin in your lap when eating) * Oh my gosh, can we just stop a sec and look? It’s so BEAUTIFUL! I think if that ends up being my legacy with them… I’ll take it!
“Do you think HELEN KELLER complained about getting HER nails cut?!?” (Because 5 year olds are totally capable of putting things in perspective.)