Five Pick-Me-Ups
This summer, we lost someone close to us. At times, I felt like I was in a horror film — I mean, people can’t just disappear! But they can, and they do, and the whole situation reminded me how everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. As a way to focus on everyday glimmers, among the harder things, here are five recent pick-me-ups, and I’d love to hear yours…
This morning, Freddie sent me this photo from his teacher desk at school. The Elmer’s glue peeking out is extremely endearing to me!
This MAN was walking around my house yesterday, and I cannot believe he is the same person who once couldn’t stay awake during tummy time!
I also had a date with one of my neighborhood nieces. We made pasta (she grated parmesan like a freaking champ), played with toys, and walked to 16 Handles. Dream girls’ night!
Meanwhile, I’ve officially gotten into cooking, which thrills Freddie to no end. He’s taught me, by example, how to shop the pantry, so the other day, we made this fridge salad with chopped chicken breasts (you could use rotisserie chicken, too), feta, orzo, cucumber, a squeeze of lemon, salt and pepper, and (if you want) green onion. So easy and fresh.
Finally! A fun fall trend I keep spotting around Brooklyn? Bright green. I loved this woman’s midi skirt, and two other cute pieces are these cotton pants and this easy shirt.
What glimmers have you seen or felt recently? I’d love to hear. xoxo
P.S. A few more pick-me-ups:
* fun break-up advice from Gemma
* delicious boxed brownies and $40 sandals you can walk miles in
* asking long-time friends to hang out (made me laugh)
* sneaking potato chips into recipes and meeting the neighbors
* the difference between hotels and Airbnbs, hahaha
Tags: fun things, personal
Comments
163 commentsRegarding the MAN who used to be your baby now walking around your house: I remember a day when my husband was out of town and I had gone to bed early, exhausted, until some time in the late evening hours, I woke up and heard a MAN’s voice talking downstairs and I quickly ran down there alarmed and it turned out to be my newly teenage son! In my groggy state, I didn’t recognize that it could be my not-so-little boy. I wanted to laugh AND cry!
I lost my dad this summer, unexpectedly. I agree with you on the two sentiments- everyone is fighting an invisible battle & the horror story that people can just disappear. It is heartbreaking, in an otherworldly way. I have lived the two worlds of grief & joy, fully knowing how two “opposite” things actually do exist together. This makes me want to do my own glimmers list. Helpful to actively look for them, right?
Sending you a giant hug and lots of love. It goes from bittersweet to sweetbitter but it takes an eternity. Hang in there. 🫂💕
My deepest condolences Joanna x
Joanna…I am very sorry for your loss. Would you mind passing a message to Jenny Rosentrach…..when Dinner: a love story came out I got a chuckle on how she got her daughter to eat salmon by telling her it was princess food because it is pink!! When my son is out of town for work we always have his family over for dinner to help, and I told my daughter-in-law that story. She told that line to get my eldest granddaughter to eat salmon at a sushi place this past weekend. And she ate every bit of it! Thanks Jenny…nice to see her eat something other than chicken nuggets!!
Joanna, I’m so sorry for your loss. Two happy things: -On kids suddenly becoming men . . .just over three years ago, this community provided kind support in the comments when I brought up my young teen being hospitalized for mental health. This kid (who is the same age as Toby) is now THRIVING. He has a great group of friends, hobbies he really enjoys, is engaged at school, and is a sweetheart to be around. If anyone here is currently going through this, know that I am sending so much love your way! -Last week’s “fun things” post prompted me to check out Lo and Sons because I was looking for a small backpack for travel. I couldn’t pass up 50% and wow, is it a fantastic bag. So many zippers and compartments–I can tell already it’s going to be a game changer on trips in terms of keeping track of all my stuff! So thank you for the recommendation!
CONGRATULATIONS to you and your son! My dad always said that as a parent, you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child. So glad for you, strangers.
Sorry for your loss Jo….hugs. As for glimmers? It is school picture day for me, and a new dress festooned with mushrooms, owls, plants…full forest core ! arrived yesterday, so I took it as a sign to wear it today! I’m loving all the attention ( long over due, in my opinion) my favorite author Alice Hoffman is getting with her newest book coinciding with the realease of Practical Magic 2. Got to attend a pre screening last week, decked out in my witchy wear! ( No Sandy or Nocole sighting though!) Just finished Jill Biden’s memoir…..it gives me hope! Also loving Olli Pop probiotic sodas…..35 ish calories, no sugar and up to 30% RDA of fiber!
That skirt reminds me of the Free People Loewen skirt. Comes in the most delicious colours.
I found a pair of shoes that actually are cute and comfortable and work for my weird feet. (I have extra bones in my feet! They don’t really create any problems for me except that it is hard to find shoes that are both wide enough and aesthetically pleasing.)
My husband has this ridiculously loud bright green tee-shirt that he got from an art camp he taught at this summer. He wears it with infuriating regularity. This morning we took a short walk to get chai from our favorite coffee shop and we spotted FOUR other guys wearing a shirt in the same shade of green. He told me he is “on trend” this season.
hahahahahaha — my dad has always worn boat shoes, and a couple years ago, I was like, dad you are FULLY on trend. he had no idea what I was talking about.
Truly the individuals who stick to their specific style no matter what are the heroes in my eyes. LOL
Last night, apropos of nothing, my 11-year-old started talking about her “loose G-String”. My husband and I looked at each other stunned … until we realized she was talking about her stand-up bass in orchestra. I DIED.
HAHAHAHHAA
HAHAHA! I was a guitar player in my youth and have created similar moments with G string issues, hahahaha.
Hilarious because last school year my 16 year old son and his friend kept telling their orchestra director about their messed up G strings, & they had NO CLUE (they wondered why their teacher acted weird about it). 🤣
My glimmers this week: a rare sunny day in NW England with crisp fall air on my cheeks, pulling out my fall wardrobe and feeling v cute, sending a few boulders today at the climbing gym after having what felt like a very high gravity day on Monday (other climbers know what I mean here….).
That Elmers glue was what I needed today.
My 8 year still comes in for morning cuddles before school and today I got a “benny blanket” – when he lays on top of me for a full hug. He came up with it when he was a toddler and it’s such a treat when he announces – “time for a benny blanket!”. He’s getting older so I know this time is fleeting and I just soaked it up.
It won’t last FOREVER forever but… my high school son still does this to me. Some kids are just great cuddlers. Here’s to many more years of Benny blankets to you! ;)
I teach middle school and this year I have my son as a student. I asked him if he would still acknowledge me in the hall and give me hugs-gasp-in front of his bros. He said, “of course! It’s cool to love your mom!” He’ll probably never know how much that meant to me. :)
Glimmer: it really is amazing to watch child sized people become grownup sized people. I remember my older daughter being the sweetest smelling, softest little peanut of a baby. Now she is almost 12 and we wear the same size shoes, and she takes the tram and the bus by herself to her French/English college/lycee. MY BABY. We just moved to France and she is handling the new routines and expectations like a champ. Non-glimmer: The Kids (middle and high schoolers) are wearing the fashions of my youth (baby tees, baggy pants, Adidas), and it is too soon for that to happen. Let’s see how you feel about the baggy pants when it rains, Kids.
I’m so sorry Jo, the world can feel like the it has been pulled out from under you, and it never quite gets comfortable again. I still remember bathing my son one night, and seeing a friend calling and thinking ‘that’s strange’. It’s like a door I can never walk back through. Some glimmers for me. I bought a used ‘dress up/costume bundle’ on DEPOP for my daughter and it is so much better than I had hoped. The costumes are all so different, interesting and in terrific condition, I can almost feel the love of another mum packaging up these little treasures to pass them on. Also, my son got the phrase ‘feeling foofy’ from a picture book, and used it perfectly today when we’d been stuck inside in the rain and just needed to brave the elements and get some air and sky.
I am sorry for your loss Joanne, it is always hard when someone passes. Seriously how can they be there one minute and then gone? My glimmers this week have been plentiful I have to admit, in fact I was just sitting reading my book last night thinking, “God, I have a lovely life”. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some really hard times but in this moment, I appreciate how lucky I am. Yesterday morning, I got up early and went for a run. I dont live in the prettiest of areas but as I was finishing my run, the sun was coming up and it was just beautiful. On Sunday, I watched my beautiful girl, kick some ass at Rugby. She can get picked on at school (she knows her own mind and is not afraid of sharing her points of view) so she doesnt always have the best time but seeing her shine at Rugby and be part of the team was awesome. At the same game, I bumped into the daughter of a very old friend which was lovely. I got an absolutely fantastic sleep last night (its been ages since I had one of those) and this morning before I started work, I managed to put dinner in the slow cooker, did a load of washing and have managed to hang it out and also made a cooked breakfast for both my daughter and I which we enjoyed before she went off to school and its only 2 weeks till my husband comes home :) Lots of glimmers!
Aileen, this is such a beautiful little slice of life. I feel inspired to appreciate the everyday goodness of my own life, so thank you.
Nicole, what a lovely thing to say :) I hope your life is full of everyday goodness!
We recently bought a 24 pack of sparklers, and oh my, what a cheap thrill!
So sorry to hear of your loss. To carry loss with such care as you seem to do is a beautiful thing and important. Life is tender x
We have not lost anyone close to us yet, but I can feel that it is coming. I am so sorry, Joanna. It must have been a dear, dear person. May your memories outweigh the pain of loss. I’m a (much) older Mom, with a somewhat older husband, our girl is 13, and the time is just going sooooo fast. 8th grade is just as hard as any other. A she and a girl she has been besties with since kindgergarden have sort of moved onto different things, different interests, and other friends. Her Mom and I were, are SO CLOSE!!! She’s a truly fabulous woman, and we have loved each other for years now, doing things together, shared VRBOs together, hosted Halloween, NYRs Eve, game nights together, weekly lunches, and then – 6th grade…it all just stopped. For no real reason, just the complications of life with tweens, who now have differing pursuits. We only had lunch 2 times last year. But, we have BOTH been taking care of elder, ailing, inlaws, who are unable to care for themselves, siblings with deep deep unsolveable problems, our spouses both have had issues,(including cancer), health concerns of our own, and being Moms in this country, which seems to be tearing down parenthood, especially Motherhood, on a daily basis. She’s a lawyer, defending work place abuse, (big cases) and a brilliant, funny, beautiful woman, we have gotten so close between Kindergarden and 8th grade, and I have missed her so. The only school Mom I have deeply connected with. TODAY WE HAD LUNCH!!! We each had a cocktail! We flirted with the waiter! We were late to school pick up and did not care! We commiserated on our multiple caretaking duties. we celebrated her birthday. We promised to be more together, no matter that our girls are not close now, we’ll have dinners & game nights again, and they will just have to fall into grace with each other again, for those evenings. We need each other. We are both lacking in parental love and sibling support. Our spouses are good partners and great fathers, but they are drowning in work. Seeing her was HUGE. She IS a glimmer, wrapped in a person! If you have 1 of those persons, who is a glimmer, and not seen them in a bit CALL THEM NOW! ;)
I LOVE THIS AND I FEEL YOU SO MUCH!!!! Signed, thank you, mom of K and 2nd grade kids and seeing this happening so easily to me too
I hope I can find a mom friend like this 😭
So sorry for your loss Joanna. My Aunty died in November and I still can’t get over the fact that she’s just not here anymore. It was one of her granddaughter’s birthdays recently and she just… didn’t come to the party? But last year she did and had no idea she’d never go to another one?? It still doesn’t make sense to me. It’s a similar thing with my grandparents – not only have they died but so have almost all their friends, and that makes sense because they were all born 85-110 years ago, so duh, very few of them are still alive. But they had such rich, vibrant, textured lives and you can read letters my Nana wrote to Mum in 1987 and it still all sounds so present and real somehow and then one day just… poof? And that happens to all of us????? Anyway, there are glimmers. One is that it’s Spring in New Zealand where I live and I’ve had so many tulips, daffodils, and ranunculus bloom that I had to scavenge my neighbour’s glass recycling bin because I’ve run out of not just vases but empty jars.
I’m so sorry for your loss Joanna. A glimmer from today: a little girl (2-3 years old) and her mom were sheltering from a sudden rainstorm in front of my house when I got home today. I invited them to hang out on the porch until the rain passed, and asked the little girl if she likes tiny cars (my boys are older and we have SO MANY). I brought her a couple and crouched down to hand them to her. She took one and her mom prompted her to say thank you. She said thank you and then came over and kissed me on the cheek! The sweetness of her serious little face! My heart. Then she told her mom that the other car should be for her, so they could take both home lol. Sweet and smart ;). And then the rain stopped and they left to continue their walk. Such a lovely unexpected moment in the day.
Oh so sweet robin thank you for sharing!
Robin – THIS made my day. Human connection with others whose names we don’t need to know to be kind and generous. And the sweetness of littles. Thank you for sharing
Sending you healing wishes. I am in a really difficult season with my family. Trying to balance that grief with taking good care of myself and continuing to find the glimmers. Really good novels have been a glimmer, including Hello Beautiful and The Correspondent! Coffee. Walks with my dogs. The Handsome pod.
This really feels like I could have written it and sounds exactly like my therapy appointment today down to naming the books that hooked me recently. Actually, I always refenence books in appointments. I can’t tell if my therapist doesn’t read or doesn’t want to reveal what she’s read. Does anyone have insight into this?
Joanna, sending hugs❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss. These lovely glimmers are a sweet reminder of how beautiful life can be at its simplest. Mine for sure include waking up my 7 yr old each morning, twirled in her sheets and clutching her favorite stuffed lambie, hair a tangled mess, her tiny toes peeking out beneath the covers. Pure joy❤️
Glimmer: Saw a mom acquaintance at the playground. Her 3-year-old was standing on a bench and reached out and gave me a long hug, no hesitation. His sweet cheeks pressed against my chest and he doesn’t even know me! The world is so tender sometimes.
My half sister had a 50/50 chance of inheriting something bad that killed her mom this spring, and she just found out that she has it, and her lifespan will most likely be even shorter than her mother’s. And now I’m sad for her and super worried about her four kids, so I need to be looking for glimmers. It is finally going to cool down here this weekend. My hold on Whistler finally came in at the library. My sister-in-law finished her nastier chemo and is switching to one that’s not supposed to be so rough. We get to celebrate our daughter’s birthday next week and then go visit our son and his wife next weekend.
Sending love and energy from afar – may your glimmers be many
My 6 year old daughter came home from school and was doing an art project. I was working on my laptop across the room, and she said, all of a sudden, “Umma (korean for mommy), I’m so thankful for you.” I almost melted into a puddle. The brightest glimmer of light that will last a very long time.
My condolences on your loss, Joanna. It’s such a uniquely personal thing to lose someone we care about and yet, there is some comfort in knowing it is a (if not THE) universal experience. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my beloved mother-in-law after a sudden and quick fight with pancreatic cancer. I hope that I have been the partner my husband needed as he has walked through grief this last year as I lost my dad 8 years ago and know that the people who have gone through this just get it. My glimmer is that I am still vibrating after getting to see Brandi Carlile at Red Rocks this weekend where she brought out Alanis Morisette to sing “Uninvited” with her. The feminine energy and power and rage was palpably electric and I am trying to carry that with me as we fight in ways big and small for what is right in this world.
I work at an academic library and today was the first day that we were really cooking. There were people at the print stations, reading magazines, asking questions at the Circ Desk, librarians helping with research. I walked by a faculty member and we both threw our hands in the air, beaming, and said, “the LIBRARY!” at the same time.
Cannot tell you how much I love this. THE LIBRARY!
This made me smile so wide! I adore this comment, thank you.
Midge I started online studies this year at a major university and the delight and joy with which our librarian presented resources to us, and with which I installed browser plugins and Libby cards and search databases well I had that magic feeling alone at my desk at home🙌
I’m also an academic librarian and this delights me to no end. (I’m in tech services, though, so we’re mostly getting an influx of help desk tickets from people finding broken links on the website :|)
This comment made me so happy, my eyes filled with tears and I laughed.
I’m so sorry. Losing people is so hard. And oh wow, a new man in your house! Thinking of my current seven year old turning into such a man before I know it. Sob!
Today’s glimmer: I took my toddler to the indoor pool at our local YMCA this morning. We go every week, but today, she was just not having it. I gave her the time and space to let me know if/when she was ready to go into the water. Once she was in, I held her while she splashed around, creating little waves, delighting in the movement of the water. I pun her in circles, and then once we stopped, she gently tipped her head back, my hands supporting her neck. In that moment, I could feel the weight of her head, as if her entire being surrendered to the bliss of being in water, surrendered to the loving hands holding her up. May we all feel weightless in the arms of someone we love.
Erica, this brought a tear to my eye. How lovely.
Oh, Joanna, I’m so sorry. My glimmer is that the volunteer melon vine in my front yard (via dumped compost last May) has a cantaloupe bigger than a softball and growing every day. And the milkweed plants (for the Monarch butterflies) grew like crazy this summer and has lots of seed pods now, so I will be able to share those with my coworkers in a month or so. It may be 100 degrees right now, but the dang plants are loving it.
This has been a hard week as I try and fail to leave my long term relationship. I go in thinking, “he’s going to hate me and that’s okay, he’s going to leave me in charge of all our shared responsibilities and I can handle that, he’s going to talk me out of it but my decision is final”…and then all those things happen and I’m not okay, can’t handle it, and walk back my decision. I am trying to give myself grace. Some glimmers…wearing a handknit sweater I just finished making. Baking banana bread. Making myself giant mason jars of herbal tea every day to steady me. Lighting a candle in my sanctuary/office/laundry room. Playing a nostalgic video game from my childhood. Buying myself a new book I want to read from the local bookstore instead of waiting 3 months for it to come in at the library.
I understand where you’re at just now. I’ve been somewhere similar You deserve to choose your own path. Sending you love
Anon, I’ve been in your position, and it is SO hard. Once I realized I needed to leave my ex-husband, it took me me nine months to build up the resolve, courage, and resources to do it. Leaving is not easy, and it takes time. You deserve so much grace. Life gets so much better on the other side. While I’m in a worse position now financially and logistically, it is 1000% worth it. I’m so much happier and more confident, and I’m grateful every day I was able to leave. Sending you strength!!
Hi Anon. Have you tried following those threads? He is going to hate me, ok what does that look like, in specific detail. Does he tell his colleagues about me, do they laugh? Do I even like them, do I care? Can I handle that? I do the same worry as you and when I am reminded to follow the thread to its end and imagine the tiny details of it I realise that the reality is usually manageable.
And you deserve grace, too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been feeling very blue about my daughter starting kindergarten. The one thing that has consistently brought me joy while she’s at school and I’m home alone – moving my body in whatever way feels good that day (swimming, hiking, biking, pilates, or yoga). It’s felt good to take it slow as we both ease into this new adjustment, and also to sweat out the blues each day.
Good for you for finding joy through movement! Of course you are entitled to feel blue about the passage of time. I just wish my kids were still in kindergarten!!! Oh my heart. Wishing you both grace in the adjustment. Parenting is no freakin joke.
((hugs)) I’m sorry. It’s amazing how quickly someone can be gone. I’m not usually one to quote celebrities, but just like unfamous humans, they can say wise things. Stephen Colbert once asked Keanu Reeves what happens to us when we die, and he responded “The people who love us miss us.” Yesterday was an extremely hard day for me in my worklife and for my family in my homelife, and at the end of the day I was very low and asked my husband to list things we’re grateful for together. This, I should say, is extremely unusual for me (Gratitude lists? Quoting celebrities? Who am I right now??), but at a loss of other suggestions he played along. We listed big things (he’s 10 years out from a major medical issue and has had 3,650 days with us we weren’t sure he’d have) and the little (the rudbeckia in our yard are so vibrant and perky). It didn’t make my day better, but it still helped. This morning I took a long walk. My path took me down a long, steep hill. A woman a little older than me – so around 50 – passed me coming UP the hill and said “this is quite a hill!” and I replied as I passed “It is! But you’ve got this!” and she replied from behind me “I know!”
I wish Keanu would come to his senses and go out with me. Sigh.
Sending love and big hugs to you and your family Joanna.
I’m sitting – finally – in the house we just moved into. The light is amazing! My plants are going to love it here. A lovely glimmer for today. We have had a big loss in our community. A 50ish, vibrant man who very unexpectedly took his own life. It’s been amazing to witness the support and love surrounding his wife, mother, siblings, and extended family. Even though I was not close to him, the sorrow has been big. The memorial on Sunday was moving and uniting. I made a skirt that very color of green. I wear it at least once a week!
We recently put my 61 year old father in memory care for frontal lobe dementia- oof. It all spiraled over 3 months and the home has asked we cut off all contact as it only agitates him further. I’m sad for me- but I’m more sad for my kids who lost someone who loved them and they don’t even know it. It’s grief over death but he’s still alive. My glimmer- Gracie Abram’s song “I love you I’m sorry” and raspberry pie for breakfast.
I’m so sorry your family is going through this:(. Ambiguous loss is so hard. Take care.
It feels weird to make this comment but I had a feeling that something was off? I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for reminding us that we be we know what a person is going through. I have been grieving this country and all of the people being harmed. Your post made me feel less alone in this grief.
Glimmer: there is a retired couple who live across the street from us. We’re the only people on the block who have young kids, and they have adopted us. We had our siding replaced and couldn’t use the driveway, so I asked if we could park in front of their house. They moved their car back and told us to park in the driveway. Every time the kids go visit, they load them up with snacks and drinks, and they have been sharing tomatoes and cucumbers from their garden. When our oldest was a baby, they had family in town. They invited us to dinner with their whole family, held our baby so we could eat, and paid our check. They’re our second set of parents and I’m so thankful for them. Bonus: they’re out of town and their daughter is staying over tonight, so she invited me over for wine! Friend date!
This is SO cute. Made my day just reading it!
This sounds just so lovely!
I work with various international consultants and inter-company team members. Today I received an email from an India consultant and they referred to a prior exchange as a “telephonic conversation” and noted religious holidays looming as “festive commitments.” I will now be using both phrases and smiling every time.
I love festive commitments. My boss is Russian, with a heavy accent. She once said “Yes, you can do that. Go ahead, be my friend!” instead of be my guest. It made me smile, and I did not correct her.
I really love the poplin pants trend with the bright colors BUT we live in a small city with two hospitals and the trend reminds me of hospital scrubs. You could say that all of the nurses waiting at the bus stop are on trend in their mulberry, cobalt, or green cotton pants (depending on which hospital and which department they work in).
I was thinking scrubs too :)
Leset over here getting influencers to pay $300 for scrubs hahaha Next year they’ll make some in a looney toons print, for the pediatric influencers
THANK YOU!!! I’ve been thinking those pants look like scrub bottoms this since the Donni pants took over Substack, especially since those ones have the single side pocket! The royal blue/cobalt blue ones are the worst offenders
My sister was a genuine 90s raver back in the day and is somewhat comically irritated by the Leset and similar pants – “You can buy these pants everywhere! Just walk into a store! We had to find hospital scrubs!” It reminds me of my stepfather telling stories of his youthful trekking to school in the snow lol
Was wearing my blue leset pants while visiting a family member at the hospital and a woman asked me to take her to the emergency room lol
After a long stretch of feeling unhappy in my body and disconnected from exercise, I started strength training with a personal trainer earlier this year and I LOVE IT. I can’t stop flexing and admiring my biceps which feels slightly embarrassing to admit, but that wouldn’t stop a single gym bro so I’m owning it ;-P I lost my dad last winter so this renewed connection to my own body, vitality, and strength feels especially important right now.
There’s an encanto dance workout on YouTube that I love and my daughters gotten really into Luisa and Surface Pressure, and working on my muscles with my girl feels so fun and body positive!
I’m sorry for your loss Joanna. I lost both my parents this year, within moths of each other. They were 88 and 93. They were the most amazing, vibrant, fun and loving people and the center of our family. I know I’m so lucky to have had them for so long and for them to have been healthy and active for so long… but man the grief has rocked me. I’m just starting to get my feet under me again. My glimmer… Today is a beautiful day and I’m going to take a walk and enjoy the leaves just beginning to change. Sending you a hug.
I felt the same way when my grandmother passed four years ago at the age of 93…and Stephen Colbert’s musing on his mother’s passing captured my feelings perfectly: “I know it may sound greedy to want more days with a person who lived so long, but the fact that my mother was 92 does not diminish it; it only magnifies the enormity of the room whose door has now quietly shut.”
Oh my gosh, that’s it exactly. SanFrannie , thank you for sharing that!
Lemon, I refer to loss such as yours as “concentrated grief”. (Like juice concentrate?) One thing that helped me with parental loss (both parents and both inlaw parents passing in a 6-month span) was taking a notebook and writing to my sweet father any time I had a thought, an impulse, or just an urge to tell him some news. I did this over 18 months or so. I still have the notebook, nine years later. I don’t revisit it often. I am so sorry for your losses. My mother once told me, regarding grief, that it never goes away, but in time, it becomes less acute. I hold this to be true.
I really love that it is the Elmers glue cap that glimmers for you and that you are so comfortable in your cooking self these days. That salad looks so tasty! Take good care of yourself.
My little sister reminded us all in the family group chat of one of our older sisters playing Jessica’s Theme on the family piano as we all fell asleep circa early 2000s. Then my sis recorded herself playing it again and put it in the group chat. You guys. I laid my head down on my kitchen table and cried like a baby. The nostalgia was STRONG for the days of being tucked in my bed with my family all within a few steps of each other. We all practically live in different states now. But god bless the group chat. Hearing her play that again was a beautiful and sorrowful glimmer.
Lacey! I grew up with a double bass playing brother, and I’ve birthed a singing/guitar playing daughter. There are few warmths warmer than a home filled with the casual acoustic music of one its people. I’m so happy for you and your sisters that you share this. What a gift your piano playing sister has given you all. I’m off to cry now.
This is lovely.
Glimmer – I get to visit my sister and meet my new niece this week.
So sorry for the sad news Joanna :/ We’ve had a tough adjustment to being a family of 4 this year, and my glimmer is that I’m finally seeing a little hope that we’re going to make it. We had a nice day this weekend – not too many tantrums, both littles got solid naps so we were all able to get a break and also catch up a bit on chores. It feels like the first nice day in months, but if we can have one, it means there will be others ahead
You’re in it right now, Anne, but there are brighter days ahead!! Mine are 4 and 2 and I think I just finally took a deep breath for the first time in maybe 7 years. Wishing good things for you!!
Glimmer for me this past week, had a complete mental break, 6 kids, I homeschool and the 2nd anniversary of my mother in laws passing which is also my oldest daughter’s birthday! I felt so hopeless and paralyzed by it all and then a friend who is just as busy as I am who lives an hour away, showed up with food from my favorite restaurant and two dinners for the week ahead! I cried happy tears, felt so seen, so supported and loved!
As someone who also has a large fam, and homeschools, I’m still grateful from this spring when a friend overheard I was feeling better from having pneumonia, and she INSISTED on cooking for us (I have kids old enough to cook. She didn’t care.) Sometimes we get a chance to literally chew on how much someone loves us, and it’s such a gift. I bet your friend had a lovely drive over to you with that food!
I posted a comment last thursday about a guy that doesn’t reciprocate my feelings and I’m here to report that it has been a liberation. I was physically sick for the last two weeks because of his lack of emotions and I can now say that I don’t give a s*** anymore. I was grieving for two weeks and now I’m done. Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m pretty sure he won’t even send me a message ! I feel good about myself for letting go. How good it feels to not be looking at your screen every three seconds hoping you’ll see someone’s name !! I had almost forgot! My heart goes out to anyone who is grieving .. We got this 💜
Good for you and happy freaking birthday! 🎈
that’s amazing!!!! I’m happy for you to be free, you have a lot of light and love ahead of you xoxoxo
Lea, wishing you the lightest and happiest of birthdays! SO WELL DONE! JIPPEEH :)
Yeahhhhh Lea, good for you! You deserve someone who adores you–just think of all the energy you now have to pour into yourself and into the people who DO show up for you, and the space you’ve now left open for a partner who chooses and adores you. Way to go and happy happy birthday!
YEA LEA!!! Happy freaking birthday!
Yay! Good for you and happy birthday.
But we will! And the universe will! I had to see my ex on my birthday. I was gifted chocolate from my boys, fresh milk from my friend’s cow, and flowers from a neighbor’s farmers market leftovers. I took my boys out for pizza and we watched SpongeBob on the massive pizzeria tv. Happy birthday to you, and many more.
Lea, your comment reminded me of this poem by the wonderful Georgie Jones. Happy birthday, “you belong” https://www.instagram.com/p/DMN1ti1qMYy/
I’m sorry for your loss, Joanna! Oof I lost my mom and best friend within weeks of each other a few years back and it was SO hard. I feel like I honestly haven’t really recovered – I guess that is grief, right? It comes in waves, even years later. My friend’s death made me wonder about people truly disappearing. She left behind young kids and when I went to her funeral, I swear I felt her presence. I even found a little note tucked away in a small hiding place in my hotel room that said “welcome, friend!” She loved her kids fiercely and if there is an afterlife with any say in the matter, she would have stuck around to be close to them. My mom on the other hand? I bet she is galivanting among the stars, she was always adventurous and didn’t have the same unfinished business. One glimmer is that I’m starting a new job after more than a year of looking. It’s bittersweet – I had to leave my decade long non-profit job because of Trump administration funding cuts. But I’m going to give it a go. Its remote, so I invested in a better desk, office chair, and coffee maker. Feeling cautiously optimistic for the first time in a while, about work at least.
that’s so beautiful how you felt your friend’s presence, anon.
Prayers and sympathy for your loss Glimmer. Menu changes. Adding whole milk Greek yogurt to my diet has done wonders for my healthy weight loss journey. I have not been at my present weight in 20 years. Major glimmer.
I can feel how good you feel through this comment!! Very happy for you!!
This is a potential glimmer. Would Freddie be willing to be interviewed about his tips for shopping the pantry?
I’ll ask him!
Oh! I’d like to get into theweatherisjustTOODAMNEDHOT bowl meals. Perhaps you and/or Freddie and/or COJ readers have some favorites to share or TWIJTDH bowls could be a Wednesday food theme?
@ parboiled: THIS has become my go to addiction for hot weather: https://www.maangchi.com/recipe/bibim-naengmyeon – I freeze the broth (I use BTB No Chicken base) and can get fresh frozen buckwheat noodles at my local Hmart. Follow the recipe to a T. An Asian pear is worth it; subbing an apple or US pear is not the same and to me it makes a big difference. But if you have no choice than use a crispy apple. It’s fine to leave out the spice but I LOVE it with. You can just use chili flakes or even a pinch of wasabi or horseradish. These are good too but I add a mound of de-seeded cucumber (scoop out the seed trough with a spoon), peeled with a julienne peeler. I’m german american but Asians have ancient recipes to deal with intense heat and they know what works! Satisfying, nourishing and cooling – hope you enjoy!
oops here is the 2nd recipe, if you like spicey (supposedly spicy is cooling and stress-relieving): https://blog.themalamarket.com/sichuan-liangmian/
Glimmers- It’s cooled down in MN and yesterday was rainy. I made hot coco with my kiddos and it was nice to slow down and just enjoy a cozy beverage. Another glimmer is Cassandra Coleman. Her songs are just hitting so sweetly right now. Her song Joan of arc is doing something to my soul everytime I listen to it
Joanna I am so sorry for your loss. The nature of your loss is somewhat vague which in my experience often means a suicide. My brother took his own life and it was a total shock. I was devastated . A Suicide survivors support group run by a local hospital SAVED MY LIFE!! I was able to say out loud all the terrible things I was thinking and feeling and to find compassion and understanding in that group! I apologize if I am over reaching by bringing this up, but I never would have gone to a support group if a dear friend hadn’t taken me there-physically driven me in fact ! I just wanted to say there is support available if anybody needs it, and if like me you are feeling super fragile and scared you will end up being harmed by a group of crackpots -a hospital is a good place to find help!
thank you, this is such a beautiful comment, Janet. this particular loss was due to a physical illness; but I really appreciate your reaching out. if anyone wants to read more about suicide and grief, we have some posts here, and sending so much love xoxoxo https://cupofjo.com/2022/01/11/on-losing-my-brother/ https://cupofjo.com/2018/06/07/suicide-isnt-selfish/
I’m so sorry for your loss, Joanna. I still remember how kind and supportive this community was to me when I lost my beloved niece, a young adult, five years ago. It was the first place I could actually acknowledge that it happened without coming apart at the seams, and it was a huge step in learning to coexist with my grief. I hope you feel the same loving support as you navigate this tricky time.
My kiddo is in second grade and he’s been showing such maturity and I am adoring the person who is emerging before my eyes. We do snuggles every morning and every night and I just want to hold him tight and never let go (but also support him as he becomes more independent). I’m in an open marriage and my husband is going through a breakup. Supporting your partner as they go through heartbreak with someone else is a WILD ride. Not for the feint of heart, but wow, am I have a human experience right now! Also, I had the most Cup Of Jo convo with my best friend. I went to Credo over the weekend to pick up make up for an upcoming wedding and I left with a new blush after not wearing blush for a couple of years and I text my bestie and was like, “OMG, blush, have you tried it?” (Saie in Flirty)
“OMG, blush, have you tried it?” = hahahahahahahhaaa NO BUT SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF BLUSHHHHH
Sarah, how very beautiful that you are able to be present and support your partner through his difficult time. Being in open/poly/multi relationships in the past, one of the most beautiful things I was able to learn was how to be empathetic and caring in such difficult moments for the person I loved and cared about. Sending you and your husband peace and love.
I’m curious about how open marriages work when you have kids – do you trade off time to go on dates? Do you ever stay at the other persons house? How do you explain one parents’ absences to the kids, if it’s explained at all – do you just say “dad has a work thing”, or “dad is hanging with a friend”? Sorry if any of these questions are ignorant, I’m curious of the little details in day to day life!
Sorry for your loss Joanna. Have you listened to Sara Bareilles’s new album – Good Grief? Its beautiful and soulful and might be a good soundtrack for when you’re really feeling it. Recent glimmers include: first book club meeting after a summer break, seeds sprouting for my veggie garden, my daughter’s excitement over joining the school newspaper as a reporter, and last night I snagged tickets to see Patti Smith live in a few weeks!
Ahhhh Patti Smith ! I saw her in concert at the Tower Theater in Philly in the 70s. I used to carry her Horses album to my friends’ houses back then. She is golden. I love when she accepted the Nobel for Bob Dylan and she sang his Hard Rains Gonna Fall at the ceremony. So beautiful and vulnerable. People say ” down to earth ” a lot, it’s overused, but I feel she is truly down to earth. Such a humanitarian also, and a lovely human. I also have all her books. Enjoy that concert. W.O.W. <3
Hi fellow Patti Smith fan!! I saw her on New Years Eve at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC 15 years ago. She is all the things you say – such a force of nature. I am so so so excited!
I’m sorry for your loss, Joanna! It really does feel so crazy-making when someone (human or furry) you love just… disappears. Hugs to you and yours. Re: that color of green, I have a pair of pants in that color I love, but one day I wore them to work with a Sweet Pickle Books hat (#IYKYK) and a colleague who I have a very friendly, teasing relationship with said I looked like Raygun ;) So buyer beware. Maybe just avoid the matching hat
I’m so sorry for your loss, Joanna. Sending you comfort and peace. I love all of these. My kid is only in kindergarten, but I’m flabbergasted by how much bigger she seems all the sudden. Can’t imagine when she’s a teen. Also, I’m thrilled about the green! I love bright green and already picked some green things for my Nuuly next month.
My kid just started kindergarten this year, and I’m AMAZED at how much she’s grown and matured in just one month! I swear after her second day of school, she was already speaking like more of a grown-up. School is so, so good for kids. Hope your kiddo is enjoying it as much as mine is!
I am so sorry for your loss, Joanna, and am glad the marvelous amoeba of your life is sending out pseudopodia to fill the places where your heart is feeling absence. Ooze, life, ooze! I just saw HA-CHAN, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY, which is a Japanese homage to DIRTY DANCING, SHALL WE DANCE?, and the director’s single mom, who is an amateur ballroom dancer now in her 80s; it makes unexpected and delightful use of a Japanese mascot and Cranberries songs(?!) and explores grief in a very funny and moving way. At the Q&A the director talked about how his mom has absolutely been blowing up Facebook bragging about the movie to her friends, which just melts my heart. Here’s the preview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ik4lJmXgR6U
Ooh thank you Lauren O! I’d never heard of this movie and it looks fantastic.
The way the pharmacist was extra kind when I picked up a certain medicine for a certain ailment because he knew it’s tough 🥹 And leading through a work situation today with hyper clarity I’ve got this, that all my earlier experiences have led me to this moment. (Also hoping my spouse can fit bazillion Trader Joe’s dark chocolate products in his luggage from San Diego.. I know the itinerary is tight but I reserve the right to be devastated if he didn’t squeeze in a detour…)
Oh gosh! This reminds me when I was 18 and I had genital warts. I was at college and felt so alone and so much shame for what was happening. I felt incredibly embarrassed when I had to go to the pharmacy, but the man who worked there was nothing but kind. He held his compassion in his eyes and tone when he would speak to me about how to use the medicine. I still remember him 24 years later. I hope women going through something similar now don’t carry it as I did like such a weight around my neck. I truly wish I could give the younger me a hug!
This reminds me of an experience back in college: I went to the health center to pick up my birth control pill prescription and I had agreed to also get Plan B for a friend who needed it. The pharmacist (~50 year old woman) gave such judgmental side eye as she handed me these two products together that her colleague (also ~50 year old woman) demanded she apologize to me! She sheepishly did!
Joanna, I’ve already recommended this album on a previous post, but in light of your loss this summer, I really recommend Sara Bareilles’ new album “Good Grief” if you haven’t listened to it yet! Hope it helps a bit in a hard time ❤️
thank you so much for the rec xoxo
I’m sorry for your loss, Jo. ‘Scuse the non-sequitur but my very superficial pick-me up is the vegetable cauliflower crust pizza from Aldi. I add grilled chicken before baking on the convection setting and with some red pepper flakes (or sliced serranos if I’m feeling ambitious) it’s my favorite easy meal, especially when my husband is not home because I can eat it for the next three meals without sharing. I literally did a happy dance when I just opened my fridge to forage for lunch as I forgot I made it last night. The leftovers make me so insanely happy.
Glimmer from last night: 7 yo kiddo whisper announces with raised eyebrows like she is sharing the coolest information ever: “Mom, in second grade math we are learning about tables…and DATA!” She is so excited about saying the word “data”…it cracks me up.
Love the green skirt and the simple styling with flats and a tee. This is my style. Glimmers: A reversible bowl cozy to hold my soup (or ice cream), bought some Sketchers Slip On Court Classics because my dog won’t let me tie my shoes in the morning, fall nail polish, and caught a little of the Emmys last night, enough to cry through Michael J. Fox’s speech and cry through the “O’Hara Children’s” reunion tribute.
Oh and wanted to say sorry for your family’s loss, Jo <3
It is starting to feel autumnal even here in San Francisco. Last night before it got dark I was watering my community garden plot when the security guard wandered by. Unbidden, he told me about his uncle’s garden back in India when he was a little boy – the tomatoes, zucchini and herbs he planted. Then he asked me how my garden was doing and said he hoped my beans would grow soon and well. I was quite touched.
This is so sweet Rachel x
I commented just yesterday about how the light is changing and bringing fall with it; SF has its own tells. Trying to switch my mindset from feeling bittersweet about summer ending and the kids starting whole new grades and instead focus on all the cozy, fun-in-their-own-right things fall/winter bring.
This reminds me of a sweet experience I had while living in Rio de Janeiro as a young single (American) woman. I came home with a cold one evening and our quiet doorman took me to the back of the building to a small raised bed I had never noticed before and cut me some lemongrass growing there to make tea. It was such a kind and gentle gesture and I have never forgotten it.
So sorry for your loss. Sending big hugs
can I scream for a second because I simply do not understand what to do with my life. it feels like nothing I do/ plan/organize and hope for is working out. I am not panicking, I am simply put really clueless. It is so tiring to go searching again and again. over and over. I don’t understand how to get to joy & lightness again. it can’t be this difficult. nevertheless, here I am not knowing what to try next. so glimmer wise: I talked to a friend today and life was immediately better for a while. (I did the whole “help in a soup kitchen” (aka helping others to help yourself, doing creative stuff, traveling, alas no long-lasting glimmer) Any tips welcome. I am really ready to feel alive again. (I am not depressed (I checked) I am simply lost in a world full of forests, trying to find a tiny tree.
Hi Anon! Think about whatever life event led you to this state, journal about it, and then maybe think about therapy. I haven’t tried BetterHelp.com but others seem to like it. Therapy can be a temp thing; you don’t have to sign on for life. Hoping you find your way.
Anon – I hope you feel better soon, I would suggest going swimming!! Volunteering anlso helps me by putting what’s important in life back into perspective. Also it sounds like you may already have this covered but if not, double check your vitamin levels! When I was feeling extremely off for a long time, I was way off on Vitamin D
If it helps at all… me too Anon, me too. How do we even begin to figure out this life and our place in it??? A few things that help me find the glimmers when it all feels too impossible: – take a break from social media. – go outside and pay attention to nature – in any way at all, the local park, state forest, beach, backyard… – create something – doodle, paint, sing, play an instrument, knit a scarf, fold some origami, color in a coloring book – anything! – eat something delicious like soup dumplings or a warm chocolate chip cookie, let yourself savor and enjoy. I know these things will not lead you directly to your life’s calling, but they will calm your nervous system and help you feel a little bit of lightness for a minute or two. Do that a few more times, and then try every day, and then the brief moments of lightness start to feel like maybe they’re the whole point. Good luck!!
Another vote for therapy – specifically, Alli! I worked with three different qualifying therapists – switching only because they graduated and I could no longer afford their rates – and they were all wonderful. I love working with students, when possible. A part of me feels bad that they work so hard for a fraction of what they’ll make later in their careers, but for people on a budget, it’s such a godsend. It’s been a while now, since I’ve worked with one, so I have a few more challenging days. I can’t speak to your own experience, but for mine? I’ve persisted, and it’s starting to pay off…a little. Sometimes I wonder if we just can’t be dolled out the same amount of happiness, but it doesn’t make ours any less valuable. And deserved. Wishing good things for you, Anon!
I’m sorry, Anon. That’s a tough way to feel. To echo hannah’s suggestion, get outside. No matter how I feel, it gets better when I go on a long walk to hike- particularly without ear buds in- just listening to nature. If you’re in a position to do so, get a pet. Having something to take care of and snuggle with helps tremendously too. My dog truly helped me survive my world-unending-divorce. Sending you love and peace!
Anon, I hope things get better for you. Please know that we’ve got your back. Sometimes things just don’t work. And it feels like it will be like that for a long time. Echoing others, it is always good to get outside in nature if you can. Lean on your friends the way you would want them to lean on you. You don’t have to run a marathon or save the world. Just concentrate on yourself and on the small victories (doing dishes, a good sleep, a favorite tv show) and go from there. We’ve all got different seasons in our lives and I am confident you’ve got some good stuff ahead.
Anon, I have been there! I have traveled through the darkness so many times. I happen to be in a time of great joy and light in my life and hope to never leave, but also life is weird and windy and I’m sure there are more dark patches to come. Some things that are helping me at the moment: I have a very strong 4 step morning routine: I say hello to the sun every morning (even on a grey day, the light is getting in your eyes and doing good things for you) and do 3 sun salutations, I box breath (any meditation works, but this is the one for me), and affirmations (so so cheesy and it is my absolute favorite part of my day). I have come to realize that staying regulated is essential to my mental health and the morning routine helps me from getting anxious or out of sorts, but for me, learning to up regulate is just as important as down regulation. The right amount of caffeine is key in keeping me up, I also have dopamine menu to choose from – dancing, talking to a friend, making art, going for run, thrift store shopping, etc. Best of luck!
To piggy back on staying regulated, these are fabulous. They’re free, you just have to put in an email address. https://www.nsmastery.com/protocols
Rachel, those protocol cards look amazing! I’m going to check them out. It’s incredible what breath work can do. Excited to explore tapping and some of the other protocols.
Hi Anon, I’ve felt that way before. Is there one thing that makes you feel like a person and gets you out of hoping/waiting? For me that helps with transitions. Physically journaling or drawing, reading old Calvin comic strips, mod podge. If there was something that lit you up as a kid, it may be time to get a yo-yo/try to blow a big bubble gum bubble/sit in a hammock/work on your headstands. It’s not magic but it’s amazing how much more uncertainty I can handle after 10 minutes of something like that.
This state of mind is why certified life coaches exist. It might be worth the investment, look for the one with the best reviews and give it a shot! This person was too expensive for me and I still haven’t found the help I’d like but if I could afford her I would choose her! I’ve ended up praying regularly along with being heartfelt about my gratitude. By going inwards, I think I now understand what direction I am meant to take but I have huge resistance. We are such funny creatures, with all our “issues”, lol. But breaking through this resistance is my life path at the moment. https://www.gratitude6.com/transformational-life-coaching
My therapist recently recommended I read A New Earth and it is gently blowing my mind every time I sit down to read it. It was the kind of thing I wished for in darker times too. Maybe you will find it helpful.
I’ve found walking in nature to be very soothing….find a forest, an ocean a lake to walk by. Hope it helps!
This is a little woo-woo, but The Artist’s Way is a really great toolkit. I did it a few years ago and was stunned that morning pages and artist dates and everything actually work. I’m not an artist, far from it, but something in the process made me believe in myself and my ability to think and generate original ideas.
Also – when I was going through a time like this a few years ago, I was separately diagnosed with ultra-low ferritin levels. It wasn’t my whole issue, but it definitely had an effect. As someone else said it might be worth checking out levels of vitamins/etc :) Iron supplements + focus on getting exercise every day + sleep + scheduled things to look forward to all helped me out of the rut (writing this to remind myself as well as I feel like I am in a mini-rut right now!)
Beloved, sometimes the deck is just not stacked in your favor and it sucks. I’m sorry that’s what’s happening. What I’ll say about it is that everyday you persist and survive and endure, you’re getting stronger. It’s like a muscle, working away as each day passes. Eventually – so imperceptibly you hardly know it’s happening, or all at once like a thunderclap – things will change. And you will still carry the strength and endurance from this period of suck with you. It will still be with you whenever the hard stuff comes for you again. Keep screaming into the void if it makes you feel better. Keep putting up a fight. Keep pursuing joy. Joy is the best kind of resistance. Let it feel all the sweeter for pulling it from the mouth of the circumstances that are trying to consume you. I’m pulling for you. Things will be better on the other side. You will be better.
From experience, this is a really tough place to be. I try to remind myself that even when things may seem dire, or stressful, or frustrating, that I might still find ease in myself (a prompt I use when I’m struggling or fighting whatever is happening, what would this look like if it were easy?) It’s taken a long time to not get swept away in the circumstances (and sometimes I still do.) If you are open to book recommendations in addition to the other wonderful suggestions, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl and Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck (recommended by life coach Katie Seaver on her free email list) were clarifying for me. Hoping you feel a shift soon and know that many people are rooting for you!
honestly love the link is to the green skirt on poshmark!!! i really enjoyed the 2nd hand what to buy post —i am a believer in 2nd hand bikes & furniture but am inspired to do more clothes shopping on the 2nd hand market. so chic!
I’m in Europe and the secondhand clothes are incredible for the whole family! I think the difference is people are great at laundry care here. I have been so grateful and impressed with the quality, and I buy less overall when I have to source each item. There’s also zero stigma about it—I’m in a relatively wealthy area and everyone buys secondhand and sells things on after, because we have small apartments and no room to keep outgrown kids’ clothes. It’s also been great for my favorite body-affirming move: finding a favorite I already own, but in a size up/down as needed.
I’m sorry for your loss, Joanna!