Four Fun Things

mary you have very cool kids – thanks for sharing your daughter’s substack i loved reading it – and “did you turn in any forms today” …. perfection

The Vacation MINERAL sunscreen is the best–has a good rating on EWG and rubs in so well and smells good and is awesome. https://www.ewg.org/sunscreen/about-the-sunscreens/982174/Vacation_Mineral_Sunscreen_Lotion%2C_SPF_30/

Would you mind sharing what your current brand is?

I LOVE MD Solar Sciences Mineral Moisture Defense SPF 50 but it is pricey so I only use it on my face,neck, decollete, and use a cheaper, non-sticky mineral sunscreen on my body (continuously searching for a good one, ie: not sticky, non-nano, reef-safe and affordable).

This is such a great idea, bookmarking for when I need it. (I’m glad you self promoted!)

I feel that way but have been working on it. My therapist suggested “let people love you in their own way” and that hit something different for me.

You’re not alone. Getting gifts really stresses me out. The holidays put me on edge.

I am always told how good a gift giver I am because I think SO much about how much a gift represents that person, and unfortunately have yet to receive a gift in my adult life that I felt was 100% me. At times, it has been so entirely NOT me that I started clearly stating what type of gifts I want or that a great card or something I can eat/flowers is more than enough. I didn’t want people wasting their money and time on something that I wouldn’t use. Although it can feel a bit presumptuous, it has definitely worked for the most part!

I’m with you! The older I get, the more I hate holidays for this reason

I love giving gifts but don’t really like receiving as I am extremely picky. My mother and my husband are the only people who give me gifts I actually like. Oh, and my one friend who is an AMAZING baker and gives the best baked goods.

yes! one sec — just going waaaaaay back through my emails to find the order confirmation!

found it! it was a real splurge but it’s so, so beautiful in person: https://bit.ly/3DarW0Y

Thank you so much!

When my bf was recovering from cancer treatments, I brought her a portable cd player with a bunch of prepared playlists formatted and a big box of batteries. It helped her breathing, resting and anxiety. Like you, I focused on Soothing gifts.

These are both so thoughtful. I need to remember for anyone who may have a hospital stay.

I feel like these gifts help so much more than flowers, because they are so thoughtful about the person’s actual experience and what might comfort them in a hard time.

Those are great hospital gifts. I would add chapstick. Lips get so dry in the hospital and often get torn up during procedures.

Hahaha…I love this so much! Thanks for the Friday laugh.

This is amazing.

Iconic!!

I would LOVE this present from my almost 5 year old ❤️❤️❤️

This made me LOL!!

This is so, so wonderful.

Am I the only one dying to see the photo?😂

Absolutely love this and would be the perfect gift from my kid honestly

Maybe some really rich hand lotion?

Yeah, I think it depends on the recipient so much. I don’t think I would ever send a beauty product except to a friend who has expressed that they are into that kind of thing. Personally, I could never use gifted beauty products since I have such sensitive skin! Good subs include: socks, tea/hot chocolate, chocolate/mints, crossword/coloring books, stationery, tiny stuffed animal, candle, tote bag, stickers, spices for cooking. But each specific person would call for a different combo.

It doesn’t have to be age related! I love giving a special body oil or a pillow mist as a gift. Something you wouldn’t buy for yourself but everyone always raves about owning.

I think the term “beauty product” can be used loosely and doesn’t have to indicate skin care. It could be a bath bomb, bar soap, nail polish, lip balm, etc etc etc

I think it depends on the product! I am eight months along in a Hyperemesis Gravidarum pregnancy and so, so sick all~hours of every day, and a dear heart recently tucked a beautiful lipstick into a parcel and it feels so, so wonderful to put it on and feel sparklier than I otherwise would and to feel held by her. Something elevated, rather than corrective, feels like the way!

I can definitely trust myself to accidently pour bath fizz in a tea mug and take a bath with chamomile tea *facepalm* way to use up a well thought out care package lol

Bensimon! Xo

Oh I love that book so much – quiet, comforting, fulfilling.

How about a comforting throw, or weighted blanket? Or a weighted pillow thing that you can warm up in the microwave?

I’m so sorry! I think I’d want reminders of who I am beyond what I was going through. One idea could be a card with a note about the things you love about the person that are still true. Humor, expertise on a subject, texting about a dumb show, things like that. Or maybe eat an apple sauce breakfast in solidarity and let them know you’re thinking of them and you also hate soft foods. ;)

Maybe wait a week and offer again. Food tends to run out :D and in a crisis people might just be thinking day by day.

This same kind of injury happened to a loved one (cycling injury, knocked out several teeth and broke many facial bones and lots of surgeries to follow). Over a decade later, the teeth issues remain. From this experience, I would say visit if you can, and be prepared for a very chill visit. Even a tv on or the sound of a person reading can grate on someone who is in a lot of pain. But showing up really meant a lot. And then for my loved one, ice cream and books were both good gifts. But definitely text all the time. And not just how are you. Text things unrelated to the injury, like look at this gorgeous tree / cute dog / did you hear our sports team got XYZ player? All the contact and friendship really help. Good luck to your friend. It will be a very long haul. The other advice I have, mentally, is not to think, “When we finish steps A, B, and C, then we’ll be done,” but instead think, “This is our new normal. Every once in a while I have a doctor or a dental visit. That’s just part of life now.” Don’t be eager or focused for it to be all over.

I just sent a similar care package to a family member who underwent abdominal surgery. Softest blanket + great smelling candle + journal with a lovely pen.

Consider a copy of The Boy, The Mole, The Horse, and The Fox, by Charlie Mackesy. It is so simple and soothing, and the paper book is great but I prefer the audio version. Audio books are great because they can take your mind off the present circumstances and all you have to do is listen. This one is like wrapping yourself in a warm auditory safety blanket. So sorry he is going through this.

Audio books? And my go-to (after I had to spend time in a hospital for surgery) – a very soft scarf or sweater (or throw) to feel like a physical reminder of hugs and care. Maybe aromatherapy or scented candle if you think he’d be into that?

Foot and hand care?

Ugh…that sounds terrible! Maybe you could make him a playlist? Maybe set an alarm in your phone and send him a funny meme or reel every day. Books, brain benders and puzzles or tea? My heart goes out to him…here’s to a speedy recovery!

Audiobooks? A list of really good podcasts? Some kind of fun book/books series his husband could read to him (like maybe a YA series?). A scented candle in a scent he’d really like (or incense?). A special Spotify or Apple Music playlist. Depending on his ability to do anything physical, a craft kit or paint by number set? They have all the food they need, but daily harvest (daily-harvest.com) has smoothie “kits” that are really good. A delivery of super fancy ice creams (jeni’s?)(make sure they are smooth though).

Not sure if any of these work but here are ideas in case it sparks anything! Tea/coffee, a handmade ceramic mug Cozy socks/slippers Books/bookstore giftcard/tv streaming giftcard (assuming he’ll have recovery time where he’ll need to rest at home?) Grocery delivery service giftcard One of those heat wraps you heat in the microwave (linen pillow filled with flax/rice) Offer to help with yard (snow removal, lawn, etc) Laundry/cleaning service gifts Something cheerful- candle, plant, flowers Massage or manicure/pedicure gift for something to look forward to after recovery (not sure about this one based on the injuries?) Board game for him and his husband, or a puzzle?

I’m so sorry your friend is experiencing this. I hope his recovery is swift. (If his husband thinks he would like it) my thought is — smoothie recipes/ingredients?

It is waaaay different than being utterly and literally broken to bits, but I did have to stay in the hospital for a week, and music and notes from friends and family got me through it a lot (aside from my husband, of course). Back in the dark ages of the 1980s, we used to make mixed tapes for one another. I’d share a favorite podcaster/audio book, or make a Spotify play list to share?

I just gave a friend this mist for her hospital room while undergoing very strong and intense chemo. She loved it. https://bluemercury.com/products/alo-magnesium-reset-spray?currency=USD&variant=39632254599243&stkn=fd64f261e640&utm_content=Alo+Magnesium+Reset+Spray&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=shopping&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=PMax:G_Bluemercury_Shopping_Smart-2&s_kwcid=AL!18664!3!!!!x!!&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAz6q-BhCfARIsAOezPxkKRodz67o7VqrjQTMw0hAWiRnO-hrb6C83h1_qS3W71KXe9TIZlfUaAieOEALw_wcB

I had a similar traumatic accident and contact is such a huge emotional help. You get a ton of calls the first couple days but the subsequent grinding days of recovery are long and lonely. I’ll always remember the loved ones that kept texting, calling, sending me tiny treats… and I’ll always remember the family members that went radio silent for six months. It was possible that they didn’t want to bother me, but when I was that low, it felt like they were trying to avoid catching my bad luck. Getting texts, phone calls… it was a lifeline and helped me. If in doubt, just let people know you are thinking of them!

They can get pricy but any kind of subscription service or box, or even just sending regular letters, cards, or flowers on a regular basis. Getting mail that isn’t junk or bills makes everyone feel better and gives them something to look forward and be excited about.

My beloved Nana died a few years ago, and I had a really loving conversation with one of her friends when I went up to visit. A year after Nana died, her friend sent me a card and a photo of my Nana having fun. It meant the absolute world to me and made me smile and cry.

Love the book club idea!

Been looking forward to a CoJ book club for years.

Maybe lean into the five senses. – a beautiful painting postcard as the card – something that smells amazing, essential oil, candle, hand cream – something that feels amazing, fluffy socks, an eye mask – something that tastes amazing, little boutique chocolates, a small bag of cookies – sound, I’m less sure of this in a gift, maybe Wind chimes

Hi Debps, it’s thoughtful of you to ask. There are many ways to support a grieving friend but since you are asking about a care package, not food for example, specifically I’d say a nice handwritten card and anything cozy – warm socks, hand cream, something symbolic about that loved one – anything comforting. I was grateful for every card, meal, text, etc… most of all.

Hello! The best care packages I received were food. If you feel like spending a lot, some places can deliver frozen meals the person can heat up. But I also really valued packages of things from the store that ship well, like jam, crackers, tea or coffee.

Everyone says “don’t send flowers” but they don’t really mean it. Take note of the date and send flowers 2 or 3 months later when it feels like everyone has forgotten.

Sadly, this has happened to me a lot recently too. A heartfelt card, a homemade meal or, if not a homemade meal, a gift certificate to Uber Eats or some delivery service or, if they live in a really rural area, even just a gift cert to a pizza delivery place. Of course you can level up if you are closer to them or knew the parents. Depending on culture, region, person’s religion, etc., some flower places will send flowers to the funeral or maybe their obit will mention a charity where you can donate in their memory. If you are really close, offer to watch their kids for a weekend or help them clean the love ones home or whatever may be helpful. Lastly, be a listening ear and ask them about their person. Grief is not a linear process so text throughout the months and on the first hard holidays. And ask them to tell funny stories too

Honestly the best Gift: your attention and the willingness to sit with them and giving them Space to grief and Not to ne afraid of hard emotions. This is the one thing that I come back to since losing my father. I loved the flowers my friends sent, but the „how are you really at the Moment? Do you miss your father? I‘m here to listen to you“ is what shows real love in friendships. And favourite candy is not so Bad einher :)

I just lost my dad unexpectedly in November, and here are some ideas: – call and leave a voicemail telling the person that you are thinking about them and that they DON’T need to return the call – send a text message saying the same thing – Food delivery gift cards – Any kind of edible treat – A plant – I received a beautiful orchid that is somehow *still* blooming in March (4 months later!), and it makes me think of my dad every day – Cozy things (socks, mittens, a blanket, a scarf) with a note saying you are sending them a hug – A handwritten card – I am still getting these and they make me happy – A donation to a charity that the parent would have loved (recommendations might be in the death notice / obituary) Don’t overthink this – just reaching out and telling the person you are thinking about them is enough, and bonus points if you can include a specific memory or mention of their parent.

I am sorry to hear of the stage you find your life in at the moment. For a gift idea, I have started to send cakes. In the UK we have a lovely bakery called Betty’s, and I have taken to sending a few cakes (lemon drizzle, chocolate etc) as I figure the family will have lots of guests popping in, and cake is never a bad idea.

Hello, I lost my dad a few years ago, and my suggestion would be to send something a few months from now. I mean, yes, send a card now, but send a care package in a few months :) There is a flurry of activity and well-wishers in the beginning right after the funeral, and then the dust settles, and the next few months (years, even) can be so quiet and lonely. Letting your friend(s) know you’re still thinking about them when everyone else has gone back to their regular lives would likely mean so much. As for what to send, Jenny’s formula looks like a great jumping off point! Hope this helps :)

When my dad died any gift or card I received was so touching. The most thoughtful things were frozen meal deliveries, potted fruit trees and indoor plants. When I see the orange tree I think of my dad, how supported I am by my friends and how life goes on and on and on. It’s a tough time of life,your friends are lucky to have you.

I really love Laurelbox. They specialize in the most thoughtful grief gifts. https://www.laurelbox.com/?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabDrZzkWYIeUdqF-9zAdt1_K6poDWlgS-IYd_-Q397FClF7UwC3nigzUls_aem_o5dBm2pVxxqxlFGPn0gJvw

I haven’t read through all the comments but if it’s not been said (or if it has, I’d ditto it), I like to send a card or note of condolence, check in on the friend to see how they are and let them know I’m available for them. A few weeks after things have settled, I’ll send out a food care package via a company that makes soup -never anything just sweets because I want nourishing. Then I try to mark my calendar for any significant days, say Mother’s Day or a Holiday, and will text them or send a little card to say they’re on my mind, that the first year of these special occasion days is often difficult without their loved one but I’m sending love and strength. Often times people get barraged in the early weeks, but later everything tapers off to nothing.

I’ve been sending a care package with various snacks (b/c sometimes you don’t feel like getting up and making something and/or they’re easy to put out if visitors pop by), a jumbo pack of travel tissues, and a puzzle (I’ve found it’s one of those activities you can do alone or with others and it feels more productive than just watching TV, but also allows you to check out for a bit of mental quiet). Also a card with a message of a specific memory of the person who passed

Agreed with the cards – my mom died about a year and a half ago and those meant the most to me, especially if they included a memory of my mom. I also appreciated meals and calls/texts. And continue to check in and communicate! A dear friend of mine also died shortly after my mom and I think some people in my life just didn’t know what to say when someone experiences such big losses, so they just stopped talking to me :( It was like a smaller secondary wave of loss and heartbreak. Don’t be that friend – keep checking in and reaching out, especially with totally normal stuff that has nothing to do with the loss(es).

I’m sadly in the same stage and am coming up on the one year mark of losing my dad in April (I refuse to call it an anniversary). I was sort of the first and I think no one knew what to do so now I’m trying to do what I would have liked or what helped me. I check in but let them know they don’t have to answer me. I talk to them about normal things bc they are sad but still themselves. I send memes and screenshots of things I found comforting. I sent some tea and chocolate biscuits along with travel packs of Kleenex accompanied by a sweet card. Card included instructions to keep one pack of Kleenex in the purse and one in the glove box because everyone knows your car is the superior place to cry. Here’s hoping this bleak season doesn’t last too long.

A friend last her husband almost exactly a year ago—it was unexpected. I sent things I thought would be helpful that she might kind of forget about with all the chaos (toilet paper, paper towels, dried pasta, Roa’s sauce, Annie’s Mac and cheese for her daughter), and a few comforting things (new, soft pjs for both her and her daughter, some candy) and then I made breakfast burritos for her freezer.

Thank you for this! I just bought both for my brother’s birthday :)

GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

In a similar vein, you can come see Catherine Newman where I live in Newbruyport, MA – it’s a fundraiser for the local literary festival and Joy Nest is fantastic so you can’t go wrong! https://newburyportliteraryfestival.org/book-club-the-joy-nest/

I’m having the same reaction as Joanna!!!! This is SO tempting– Joanna, if you go, where will you(we) stay?

@Marisa Renee Lee My family just stayed at the Aloft in Portland – it was an amazing value for the price and the lobby has billiards, card games, and an Xbox station which I think would be a hit with the preteen crowd if this becomes a family getaway!

Whoops not sure how I tagged someone there by accident!!

I just read Nora Webster! Loved it!

I DNFed it too

Unfortunately, no! I’m 80% in so I’ll finish it but it never turned a corner like I hoped it would . I just finished Long Island Compromise which was also a whif for me – hopefully I can break the rough reading streak with whatever I pick up next!

Oh…I found it very frustrating while I was reading it, but it had an extremely satisfying ending. I realized just how much I loved it when I couldn’t shake it for days after finishing it.

Hated it! I’m surprised it’s on so many must read lists. Good for them, not for me. Thankfully there’s no shortage of other great books out there (many of which get mentioned here on CoJ, of course).

It took me a little while to get into, but by the end I was fully committed!

i thought it was fine? I kept seeing reviews from people who loved it but it was just slightly above ‘meh’ for me?

I loved Good Material, it felt so relatable to me, I laughed and cried the entire way through. But I have a suspicion that I like things that others find boring :)

I liked it. Reminded me of a Nick Hornby novel, and the ending a gentler play on the ending of Taffy Akner-Brodesser’s Fleishman is in Trouble. But I just finished Alderton’s earlier novel, Ghosts and liked it a lot more. It’s also weirder.

I was disappointed too ! It was very different from what I expected. I did not finish it.

Stick with it. The end will stop your heart.

It was a fun read, but I listened to the audiobook. The narration really hooked me.

Her earlier novel Ghosts was way better! I thought Good Material was meh and overhyped.

Awwwwwwww

The link works ! I’m going to read it as soon as I feed my cats. I recently read the short story Joanna referenced also, Five Bridges. That was good. I’ve read and enjoyed all of his books, especially Nora Webster. Thanks for posting the link.

SO lovely & sweet, Midge!! xoxo

This sounds lovely! <3

Took a screenshot of this fantastic idea!! Thanks for sharing :-)

I do not have the answer on the cookies, but with an almost 1-year-old, oh how your comment brought me all the feels about this time last year in my own deeply pregnant phase. Sending all the well wishes as you make it through this time and into the deeply mama-ing time!

It’s been years since I was pregnant, but I vividly remember crying at a bakery when they told me their chocolate chip cookies were sold out. They then dared to offer me a peanut butter cookie. Ugh. Hope you get your cookies soon!

I loved your comment Natasha! Sooooo relatable! Here to (try to) help….I was going to reverse search the image to see if they are purchasable, but realized that the link under the photo goes to Jenny R’s substack. It looks like she MADE the cookies and is sharing the recipe next week: https://dinneralovestory.substack.com/p/three-things-3b1

Oh, I love that book so much…her writing style, the recipes, everything. I’m going to find my copy tonight and read it again. She was the best!

I love Laurie! What a thoughtful gift! To make the care package very Laurie-coded, add a beeswax candle and a cloth napkin. (God I’m such a nerd).

I love Laurie Colwin so much. I just finished rereading her last novel this afternoon.

It makes me so happy to read that Laurie Colwin is still so beloved so many years after her death. In 1978 I was riding the express bus from Forest Hills to work at 3rd and 47th and spied a young woman across the aisle reading Happy All The Time. I asked her about the book and she passed it on to me the next day. I loved all her books and was very sad when she died so young…And Home Cooking is the perfect cookbook. Her stew has become a family favorite, my daughter-in-law requested it for her birthday last month!!! And the gingerbread is to die!

Some small game, puzzle or book? I am always trying to think of ways to keep kids off their phones! And adults, really.

Here are a few ideas: funny socks to go with the slippers, a flashlight, a book, a Swiss Army Knife, some type of special grown up grooming treats (if he’s too young to shave, maybe a lightly scented deodorant), a scarf, snacks like popcorn, or a prepared mix to bake something.

Thank you so much Cheryl and Claire for your suggestions it was very useful!

I love that you, too, are book sommelier for the people you love! Using up one of my precious few library holds for someone else is my highest love language!

We got our son this can of prankster chips, and all of our neighbor kids thought it was great (all ages): https://www.amazon.com/Prank-Gifts-Potato-Halloween-Decoration/dp/B08C4WMG9X/ref=asc_df_B08C4WMG9X?mcid=bcd3c09e2e993110926b7b00e82b3283&hvocijid=7059211195767479638-B08C4WMG9X-&hvexpln=73&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=730312820598&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7059211195767479638&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9018946&hvtargid=pla-2281435177418&psc=1

oooh thank you!!

Extra FYI, many plan sponsors (ie your employer) allow grace periods of 2.5 extra months after your plan year to spend FSA funds and an additional month to get reimbursed. Know before you spend on non-essentials, my thrifty fam! 😘

Awesome find! Tampons are my favorite way to spend down FSA funds. I remember Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory saying they make the most sense to buy in bulk and I couldn’t agree more!

Jill, That sounds like a lovely gift. You are such a thoughtful friend!

Someone gave me a coloring book and markers when I was in hospital and it was great. There’s only so much reading one can do sometimes.

I had a hysterectomy a couple years ago…co workers gave me an adult coloring book…”Don’t Ovary act”…Artsy drawings of ovaries and uterus’! Cracked me up…and colored pencils too. The thought really made me smile!

I’m reading this book now for book club (67% complete on audio version). Not sure I have a strong opinion on it yet. Hope it all comes together and I love it.

The blurb sounds intriguing so I’ve just put it on hold at my local library – thanks for the recommendation! :-) I can’t wait to crack open the new novel by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, my long-distance BFF and I plan to read it together in our occasional two-person book club, so I guess that’s what I’d put in a care package.

I agree, All the Colors of the Dark is a beautiful read. At first I couldn’t figure out where it was going, but after ~150 pages, I couldn’t put it down!

Yikes! It’s a good book but major Trigger Warnings: child abduction, child abuse, captivity, confinement, sexual abuse, murder, domestic violence and suicide. Not uplifting in the least.

My sister and I went to a talk Curtis Sittenfeld gave this week in Toronto about “Show Don’t Tell” and now I can’t wait to read it! She was brilliant and so funny. It also made we want to re-read Prep after 20 (!!) years. Apparently the last short story in “Show Don’t Tell” is about the characters in Prep at their high school reunion..!!

I love Curtis Sittenfeld’s writing so much. I have read all of her books, I kind of binged them a few years ago. I’ve been so busy that I didn’t know a new one came out, so thank you! I’ll look forward to reading it.