The #1 Thing My Mom Told Us as Preteens

I always think of this Buffy line – looking back now the quote is a little more grim and pain-focused than I remembered, but the point is similar to yours – that everyone, in spite of how they may appear, is experiencing their own internal questions and insecurities… “Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening.”

As much as I would love to believe this – I think its more of a case of “both things can be true”. Everyone is thinking about themselves AND particularly during young adulthood/puberty most are also analyzing and judging others. I guess especially people who’ve experiences bullying themselves or seen their loved ones go through it know this – and this is soooo common, particularly for teens, its in every high school movie, we normalise it, though its extremely harmful and can have lifelong effects. I think we need a culture that adresses and acknowledges bullying instead of normalising it, which silences the ones who do speak out about it.

I just want to say thank you Joanna. I also don’t 100% agree BUT some of the comments really helped me with my self consciousness. Not everyone will like you and that’s okay but do find your own people. If you did something awkward or “wrong” be kind to yourself, learn from the experience and try again. Ultimately, though, if someone is judging you, they may not be your people so it’s best to move on. After all, you want to be authentic and liked for who you are. Easier said then done. I often feel super self conscious and feel like I don’t fit in so this is really difficult for me. Thank you for your candidness ❤️

I love this so, so much. And it applies to awkward work situations, too. I had a client who didn’t respond to some work I’d done. So I texted her colleague, with whom I have worked more closely and for a longer time. I was like: should I be worried? She called back immediately and assured me that I was doing a great job and everyone is happy. I apologized for being needy and a bit pathetic. She laughed. I laughed. All good.

Alexis rose said to best: “no one is thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you.”

“And once you realize that everyone is analyzing themselves, and no one is analyzing you” Stressing about the giant target on my back by The Algorithm keeps me up at night…It looks and feels like the Eye of Sauron. So… But yeah, with HUMANS in personal contact, it’s a safe bet that they are not analyzing you.

Bless his heart. Kudos for him having the courage to talk on the phone to a girl in the first place. And kudos to YOU for having such an open relationship withyour son.

Haven’t read through any of the comments, so maybe a repeat here. But I’d say that if the girl on the other end *did* notice that Toby was quiet -highly unlikely- she more likely than not, was busy fretting if she was talking too much and too randomly.

Sometimes this advice feels freeing to me and sometimes it makes me sad. Just to think that we’re all working so hard for love and attention from each other but nobody actually cares? Haha. I just think of that earlier comment where an older woman was fretting about her varicose veins. Would the solution be to tell her that nobody really cares what she looks like at all because they aren’t even looking? Does that make you feel better or worse—especially when you’re old and likely already struggling with feeling obsolete—to feel invisible?

Phone calls can be hard- and tweens and teen these days have an extra tough time with it. I give my kid some ideas: almost like a script to get them started. Or a mission, when you come back, tell me three things about them” etc. This can work for friends or grandparents etc – you’re teaching them to show interest. To keep the back and forth going. Also, no yes or no answers could be a good challenge! Gamify it until it becomes natural. These first convos in their own can be hard!

I read this today: “The sixth love language is when someone brags about how amazing you are when you aren’t around.” Wonderful thoughts should outlive judgy thoughts…maybe we just aren’t around when that occurs.

My opinion is that most people judge others or talk about them. Just sit in a café or restaurant and listen to the conversations around you. The discussions are always about others. By the way I don’t go to cafés or restos and eavesdropped on people but that’s an experiment that I did or sometimes you can’t help hearing because people talk so loudly. I keep telling myself that the only approval that I need is mine.

People do judge. It’s a normal part of social interaction. And with tweens and teenagers, I actually think it’s much more important to teach them to trust their own judgment about others than to say “nobody is judging you.” That’s not to encourage meanness, but just to acknowledge the reality that you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and not everyone will be yours, but you should take a really active role in going out and finding your people… and that involves making judgments, not just being “nice” and passive.

Haha I’ve told my kids this so many times that they’re now like “Ugh, mom, we get it, no one else is thinking about us as much we’re thinking about ourselves.” But it’s true! And it took me so long to figure it out on my own!

Is anyone else waiting for the COJ take on ‘Adolesence’? I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I watched the whole thing in about 36 hours last week and it touches (in an important, heartbreaking way) on the nuance needed for pre-teens and all the conversations or lackthereof that feed in when kids are younger as well. Doesn’t feel fun enough for ‘Four Fun Things’ but squarely within the remit and I’m looking forward to whatever the team is putting forward.

This advice came in handy last night when I was chatting with my mom. We’re going to Italy this summer and she was fretting about what to wear because of her varicose veins. I’m sad for her that she’s in her 70s and still so insecure.

I turned 50 a few months ago, and I’m just now starting to really accept that people don’t have to like me. it doesn’t really matter where that comes from (Mormon upbringing, being female, family stuff…), it’s been liberating to start to really feel that people actually don’t have to like me, and if they don’t, it’s not my “fault.” I’m not great at friendships, never have been. but I’m pretty good at marriage and parenthood, so that’s enough for me. I’m not _for_ everybody. the thing I say to my kids that I really hope will echo in their minds: different people like different things. it’s acceptance of oneself and others with all our quirks and idiosyncrasies and letting go of trying to make another person feel some type of way. and it’s letting go of judgment of ourselves and others.

This will be included in my list. I recently wrote down a list called “things I wish I knew when I was 20”, happy to share it here :) – respect is never optional: it shouldn’t depend on social status, a job or a relationship. For example, your booty call owes you respect, your boss owes you respect even when you’ve done something stupid. The important thing is to respect yourself and others too. – Pleasing everyone means pleasing anyone = no interest. – Ask for what you want: in your life, in your relationships, in your schooling, in your career, etc. You’re going to get a lot of scenarios for nothing, stress in anticipation, etc., so when possible, just ask (just like Joanna did here with her friend) – If you’re going out, a glass of water after every alcoholic drink really helps. – Self-esteem is the key, the foundation for getting back on track when the going gets tough. Remain your best ally, be gentle and indulgent with yourself. Be kind to yourself. – Go and see a shrink. Yes, it’s expensive, yes, you think it’s not so bad. But go now, you’re investing in your mental health and it will help you so much to start young. – Friends/relatives who obsess about things in your life that don’t directly affect them are often projecting: it’s often unconscious and without any bad intention, but it’s still annoying. It often has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you: the same applies to your own obsessions and the things that bother you about other people. Ask yourself “what does it say about me ? why is it making me so upset / angry / sad ?” – When in doubt, there is no doubt; it works for relationships as it does for clothes in the fitting room. – every year, get a blood test to see if you have any deficiencies: this will enable you to supplement your diet and stay in shape. We don’t say it often enough that certain deficiencies affect our mood. – It’s OK not to drink, not to go out, not to be in the norm; what counts is to be in agreement with yourself, there’s no point pretending. The sooner you accept yourself completely, the sooner people won’t have anything to say about it. – The friendships you have today aren’t the ones you’ll have tomorrow, that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll hurt, sometimes you’ll actually hurt more in friendships than in love ( Speaking of friendships: there’s no obligation to keep friendships just because they’re old ones; that’s not a good enough argument. If we no longer have anything in common or if seeing him/her becomes a constraint, you have to dare to move on. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, even if you’ll be torn. – it’s normal if you haven’t found your way, to each his own. You have time to change your mind and your life too. – The love of your life may not actually be the love of your life, just a first love, but IT WILL BE OKAY – Every night without exception: cleanse your skin and moisturize it, and while we’re on the subject of skin -> stop pancaking in the sun, you’ll get spots and you’ll regret it, melanoma doesn’t just happen to other people, you can tan with SPF and in 15 years anyway there’ll be insta-filters for your photos so don’t stress about it – If your boyfriend cheated on you, the problem isn’t the other girl who didn’t owe you anything, you can hate her but if she wasn’t your friend, there’s nothing you can do. He’s the problem – If the person is really interested, they will contact you. If they’re really interested, they’ll make room for you in their life. If they care about you, they’ll show it. Actions always speak louder than words (or text messages at 3 a.m.) The rest is just excuses. You’re going to waste precious time if you don’t keep this in mind – it’s normal if you haven’t found your way, to each his own. You have time to change – If you are sure you want children one day, don’t dwell too long on those who hesitate, who don’t know. Enjoy it as much as you like, but don’t forget that you’re a woman and men will never understand the biological clock. Life goes by much faster than we think (boomer talk, I know, I know). Get informed, talk to your gynecologist, and make informed choices. – Surround yourself with positive people who like to see you happy/successful. Very quickly you’ll see those who seem to rejoice when things go wrong for you or, on the contrary, be a little jealous when something good happens to you. When you see that, walk away. – Body and mind are linked: drink lots of water, do a bit of sport, sleep 8 hours a night when you can: this will definitely help you feel better. – Trust yourself, trust your intuition, you’re the one who knows 💓

Its not relevant but its about our children. I just saw Adolescence and I am shocked. Please Joanna can you write something about it?

Mmmm. I have come home from places and wondered why people treated me badly. Badly might mean aloof or inattentive and I HAVE thrown them in the mix, why would I assume it’s just me? For me, if I was to lament my behaviour it’s because there is an mis match in what I did versus who I am. And instead of placating, I know now that that is then a place to work on. So perhaps teen child wants to be smoother on the phone, grandmas and aunties and uncles love phone chat. Go practise!!!

One related piece of advice from my mother in situations like these: just focus on being the best person you can be, and it will all work out. She told me this when I called her upset that my college crush didn’t invite me to a party. Her advice resonated. I had been doing a lot of internal work for some time and was feeling ready for a relationship. But the next day, my crush asked me for a date. We’ve been together for 18 years!

Oh Joanna, I’ve told my 2 kids similar. They are young adults now – 23 and 18. I would say to them, don’t worry how you look etc. because everyone else is worrying about themselves and having the same thoughts you are and wrapped up in their own world.

Something my therapist told me that I find useful: What other people think of you is none of your business.

I’ve heard this so many times over the years and I never really believed it — because my Mom and Grandma are Olympic gold medalists in picking apart someone’s clothes/ body size/ parenting/ eating/ literally ANYTHING. My Mom would call in me in college to tell me about a stranger wearing pajama pants to Walmart. Not even kidding. So whenever people tried to tell me “no one is paying attention to you” it rang hollow because my Mom pays attention to EVERYONE. So I, of course, assumed other people did too. It’s taken a while, but I’m slowly learning that *normal* people aren’t paying that much attention to you lol. My Grandma is the one who will try to give my Mom and I clothes because she’s “swimming in them” – implying we’re sooo fat. It hurts my Mom’s feelings but makes me laugh because I’m literally half a foot taller than she is, so of course her clothes wouldn’t fit (even when I’m at my skinniest). Also my Grandma tried to dress me like her mini-me in Talbots clothes and pitched a FIT when I wanted to pick out my own clothes as a teenager, so the fact she thinks I’d want to dress like an 80-something retiree is hilarious. Growing up with them was rough but on the plus side, when people try to pull mean girl shit with me it literally doesn’t hurt my feelings, which makes the mean girls SO mad. They don’t know they’re competing with some of the All Time Great mean girls.

David Foster Wallace has the best line about this (though I loved the Alexis Rose quote, too!) in Infinite Jest. I share it with my college students in a joking way, since a lot of them struggle with imposter syndrome and worry about ‘sounding dumb’ or being wrong: “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” For folks saying that there are people out there who *are* judgmental: 100%. But also in my experience, many people who are judgmental of others are also harshly critical of themselves. So I think this wisdom still applies to those cases.

Joanna, I just realized that you (and your team, and this community) are kind of “reparenting” me, as we say in therapy. When I was feeling awkward with friends as a kid, most of the time my parents looked at me with an uncomfortable expression, and confirmed with their words that I was clumsy (and sometimes yes, and sometimes I was just a classic shy kid trying to fit in). Instead of encouraging me, of course it made me more uncomfortable with myself. I mostly grew up out of it, but it can come back when I face frictions with friends or relatives. It’s so interesting and reassuring to see how you parent your teens (and yourself) and how you parent us at the same time, when sharing this kind of post! 🧡

I’m squarely in the judgmental camp. I feel really bad discounting what Joanna’s mom shared as a universal truth in an effort to help her loved ones feel better, but we really just can’t assume that people won’t judge or analyze each other. I mean, have you seen the internet? The reality is that it truly doesn’t matter what strangers think of you but that’s difficult to grasp at any age, especially for the preteen mind. Maybe some recognition that if you’re getting judged by a friend or teacher, we need to be open to the possibility that there might be some learning to be had there. Maybe it’s “She may have noticed that you were a little quiet on that phone call, but now you know that you may want to be a little more outgoing when you two talk the next time.”

I’ve been on the receiving end of a text like this before, and of course I immediately provided reassurance. But it honestly bothered me a bit because it made me realize–wait this friend doesn’t think I’d respect her or value our friendship enough to just talk with her if I were upset about something? Or to your point, she probably wasn’t thinking of me at all and just needed a reminder she is loved. <3

the girl might have been happy that he just listened to what she said because everyone wanted to be listened to.

I agree that this is great advice and generally spot-on. I do think there’s a second half to it: as the parents/mentors/examples offering the advice, we also have to live it in how we talk about others. That is, after a social event, don’t come home and pick apart everything everyone else did. Our kids absolutely internalize it. I recently had this experience, but with me as the kid. I’m 8 months pregnant with my second, and I am a plus sized pregnant person (I was not with my first). I feel like I look obviously pregnant; I’m leading with my tummy. Apparently, no one else thinks so. Over and over other women have said to me, while looking right at me, “I had no idea you were pregnant!” For some, this might be nice to here. For me, I feel like I just look super super enormous, but not like I’m growing a human. I was literally crying to my mom about it, and she said, in an attempt to be comforting, “People just aren’t paying attention to your body the way you think they are.” Coming from the woman who comments on everyone’s weight gain, this felt hollow and false. If anything, my mom HAS taught me that people are thinking about my body and weight gain, which probably explains why I’m devastated they aren’t putting it together with a pregnancy!

I recently reminded my 13 year old daughter of this by saying, “If it helps, everyone is thinking way more about themselves than anyone else. Especially at 13.” Her response? Completely straight-faced “It doesn’t. But thanks for trying.” I then of course proceeded to spend the entire rest of the evening thinking about my myself in that moment and how I could have said that differently… teens, man.

Well this is a lovely thought but all I could think was, “Well you’re clearly not related to a massive group of Italian Americans” because let me tell you – ALL my extended family does is judge everyone. Strangers. Friends. Family. “Can you believe so-and-so bought PLASTIC toilet seats for their house??” “Your grandmother and I were discussing it, and we’ve decided you should never wear that white skirt again.” “Wow look her – nice figure, but why does she look so unhappy? It makes her face look ugly.” THESE PEOPLE ARE EXHAUSTING. So, my version of this advice is: Yeah, maybe they DO have an opinion about you – but so what?

Yes! Just tonight was on a phone call with a friend who was having a really tricky work problem and wondering whether I was being helpful at all when they said ‘I’m so sorry, we should talk about you now!’ I said wait! We’re in the middle of your thing! This is not a tennis game. Also I was feeling really honoured they were trusting me with this problem. We’re all just doing our best…

Don’t tell your son, but if teenage Louisa talked to a boy on the phone, I was 100% calling a girlfriend to talk about what he said. For at least an hour.

In my experience that’s usually true, that we’re thinking about ourselves and not other people. But as a parent I say it’s also ok if someone does find us boring! Maybe we’re having an off night or they’re just not our peeps. We all have our moments and our meant-to-be friends won’t ditch us after one subpar conversation. (My other half will def tell me when I’m being boring.. and I can usually see his point, at least when I’m thinking about it later. :)

LOL OMG love the text exchange. So perfectly encapsulates friendships in my life.

Great advice, I will be passing on to my 17 yo as he heads into the season of prom/promposal/date/tux drama!

Oh my goodness, that text exchange is so relatable! I’m 4 months into a very loving and healthy stable communicative relationship but that anxious attachment still makes me crazy! Sometimes I have to humbly ask for reassurance that I am loved and he lovingly says yes every time. Doing my best to build an internal belief, but be wise enough to know when to just ask for reassurance as I work on it.

I wish my mom would take this advice. She worries about every single thing she does and that everything someone else does is a response to something about her. I just want to shake her and be like “ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!”

I had a really sad friend break up about five years ago, and it’s caused me to be really nervous about losing friends. I have one girlfriend who knows the ins and outs of this and being able to be vulnerable with her and send her texts saying, “We’re good, right?” is so healing. I’m still a nut over some things and over analyze, but overall knowing I can text her and ask makes me feel so happy.

i read something the other day that said we routinely underestimate how much other people like us :)

Wow I needed this today. Was literally fretting last night because I had two kids birthday parties over the weekend and really struggled to connect with other parents/moms. It just seems to come so naturally to many people – so many people just chatting away and catching up like old friends. But even at my best I am not very outgoing and now I have young twins who constantly need things from me and I just cannot have more than a sentence or two conversation with anyone. And I still manage to over analyze even those afterward! Sigh, I was looking forward to having parent friends but it has been hard.

1. I’m a people pleaser by nature. 2. I used to worry A LOT about what others thought of me. 3. I’d also worry all the time about my behavior/words and how it/they comes across. My life changing moment is when my therapist told me that people aren’t thinking about you or judging you nearly as much as you think they are, or at all. They’re worrying about themselves. Because of that, I’m not as hard on myself. I still backslide a bit, like Joanna’s text example. But now instead of fretting, I simply ask because I know my brain can work on overdrive. Simply asking has also been so freeing.

Went down a lisa rubisch rabbit hole , love her essays! Any books of hers?! Couldn’t find , her writing is lovely

this is great advice! but oh boy, i only ever like to be a cheery person on cup of jo (and generally, IRL)…HOWEVER: i have an acquaintance/friend/neighbor who i like, but who has asked me “are we ok?” (as in our friendship) and “are you ok?” about 10x more in the few years i’ve known her than any of my other friends and family combined. it most recently happened last night, and was asked because i hadn’t responded to a smattering of group chat messages since friday. it annoyed me to no end, and honestly? made us not really ok!!!!!! might i kindly suggest that next time anyone might feel that way about a friendship, start with the explanation (using joanna’s text as an example): “you’ve been charming and normal, but slow to text back lately. i am probably being paranoid, but wanted to make sure we’re all good?” By starting with the “Are you mad at me???” it makes the person you’re asking start to question everything they’ve been doing or saying recently, related to you, and ads unnecessary stress, especially when the likely reason is “omg sorry no, i’ve just been busy!” again, just sharing a different perspective with warmth and open heartedness. <3 now off to go stew about whether or not i was too mean in an internet comment ;)

So relatable! Like this meme!!! Cracks me up everytime :D I’m just looking at ME. Hahaha https://www.instagram.com/p/DFuzTvJRh25/?igsh=YjNveXVvaGh5cnFn

I’ve come to realize that telling someone they are wonderful in some suitable, subtle reference is a good placed to start. Wonderful leaves no doubt.

Sorry, but I definitely think about how other people come across…🫣

Oh goodness. Your poor overwhelmed friend. Can you take or send her a dinner to ease her life for an evening? Dessert would be wonderful to include too.

Such good advice!! Also, it situations like this, it’s best to be ourselves because we want people to like us for us, not for who we think they want us to be.

I was actually holding back tears all day today before I came across this . I have been texting with this guy for a few weeks now and today our conversation felt like meh. It’s usually fun and deep. Today something was off. I was trying so hard not to say something mean like WTF is wrong with you today but I just sat there crying. We’re supposed to meet later this week but I’m not sure anymore. I’m having a pizza tonight. Eating my feelings.

Thanks so much for this post! I could have written your text exchange and appreciate you sharing so that we can all feel normal with these feelings! I worry so much about parenting my teen and preteen and I love these posts as reminders. Also, any chance you can get the details on the super cool cardigan the girl in your pic is wearing? I love it! :)

The same rule applies to photos. We almost always look at and judge ourselves and do not care about how other people look like :)

This was all very sweet but now i’m only thinking about the fact that you watch White Lotus with your kids and how that all went after LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE.

When I was 18, my boyfriend and I went backpacking in Southeast Asia. After months on our own (and feeling very grown up about it), my parents and their friends were going to meet us at a beach resort. The day before I got so insanely sun burnt I was like, bubbly (shudder). I was mortified, felt childish, and also I was in pain! I didn’t want to go out for dinner with them and my mom’s friend -who is loving but notoriously harsh- said, “oh get over yourself, madeleine, no one cares about you. Everyone else is just worried about how THEY look.” It stung, but was also liberating. I’ve never forgotten it and have found it eternally true. (Your delivery was much better, Joanna haha)

How did you get that screenshot of my conversation with my friend? Almost the same thing we chatted about a few weeks ago!

Not me overanalyzing an interaction with a new friend where my voice got weirdly high-pitched as I said “see you soon!” At least I’m at an age where I can laugh about it and know she probably didn’t notice and definitely didn’t care

I know this is such common (and helpful!!!) advice but as a hobbyist observer I am *constantly* analyzing and thinking about other people! However, I’m sure they’d be flattered because it’s 99% really good things!

As soon as I saw the headline of this post, my mind immediately flashed back to a middle school conversation with my dad, where he told me the exact same thing! It was such a revelation and a relief to learn this, and I have re-learned this lesson many times since then. My memory of this conversation is so vivid, and one of many examples of my dad’s wisdom that I cherish.

Also … it’s very likely that the other person on the phone felt SO grateful to be listened to by your kid! It’s very rare and wonderful to have uninterrupted time to share our thoughts and feelings.

I agree with this for a lot of us, but I’ve been in a number of relationships where actually friends and/or partners have actually been very critical of me and not thinking about their part in things. This really has impacted me a lot in my life. So I might give my kids a similar message, but with the disclaimer that there ARE people who will criticize how you show up, and with those people it is good to check in with – is this someone who’s kind to you overall and this is feedback you can learn from, or is it someone who’s eager to attribute a perceived failure to someone else? I think this advice works really well for sensitive people with good, kind, sensitive friends. But some people are insecure or almost too secure, and they very well might have a critical thought to share, and I want to armor my kids to deal with those people too.

tearing up over your text exchange. it’s so relatable. and in all honesty truly reassuring to know that even you, who i would think of as a confident successful woman, feel this way about friendships. thank you for your vulnerability jo

I love this! I tell my 9-year-old this ALL the time. I remember reading about an experiment once where they had participants wear an embarrassing t-shirt to class (I think like a cheesy/uncool band shirt). Then they polled how many people noticed the shirt. I think it was close to zero! I shared that with my daughter, too, and it seemed to help. Now, when she’s going to wear the same leggings or skirt for the third day in a row and I lightly question the choice, she’s like, “No one’s paying attention to what I wear!” So she seems to have internalized it ;)

The best comes from fictional character Alexis Rose: “Trust me – people aren’t thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.”

So true, and also something that you don’t really internalize until you’re much older! I wish I could just give my kids all the wisdom I have accumulated in middle age, and I sure do try, but, alas, some things you just have to come to an understanding of on your own.