How to Write a Sex Scene
My friend Erika Veurink just wrote a romance novel (!), and on Thursday I’ll be in conversation with her on stage at the Strand, if you’re free and would like to come hang out with us. My most burning question for her will be…
…what’s it really like to write a sex scene? How do you shrug off inhibitions and describe a scene in real detail? How do you draw readers in while knowing your parents are among them?
“I guess I should have thought a little harder about the inevitable writing of sex scenes before I signed up to write a romance novel,” Erika told me. “I assumed ‘the act’ happened as spontaneous combustion, like 650-ish words on a page as an outpouring of divine inspiration. But it turns out, the words have to be written.”
Here’s how she did it, in her own words:
1. Rid yourself of the notion that the scene you are about to write will be read by anyone you’ve ever met. Actually, let’s just assume this scene is destined for a dusty box under your bed, never to see the light of day. That’s a good place to start.
2. Light a candle. An expensive candle. The kind of candle that lives in a pale pink vessel you save for dinner parties and other grown-up endeavors. This is its exact use case.
3. Prepare for the inner critic, who loves nothing more than a sex scene unwritten. Sauntering into your subconscious, he’ll offer heartless reminders of your high school ex-boyfriend and general notes on your inability to perform any task in front of you. Kindly see him out.
4. Assemble some source of external courage. I opt for dark chocolate chips, but this might be the time to go full-tilt Hemingway with a finger or two of whiskey or a cute little jam jar fizzing with a crisp white.
5. Be comforted by the books you’ve assembled — like, Honey and Spice, You Made a Fool of Death With Your Beauty, First-Time Caller — that tower symbolically around your writing space. Other people have written sex scenes and lived to tell the tale.
6. You’ll need poetry, and lots of it. Because no one is as unapologetically horny as poets.
7. Find a playlist without words and lots of yearning (think: Sade and Prince). Play it on the softest volume possible to drown out your neighbor’s crying baby or the sound of oil simmering in the kitchen while your husband makes dinner.
8. You’ll need to write a very shitty first draft. Dive in headfirst. Don’t look up until the scene comes to a close. Reward yourself with the aforementioned treat.
9. This is the time to recall the way it felt when you heard him shout your name during a summer rainstorm on Bowery. Now’s the moment to retrace the steps of her fingertip across your knuckles under the open Vermont sky. Settle into the memory of splitting a martini on your sofa, his lips dragging across your neck, whispering “all mine.” Every moment of electric need and bodily hunger has led you to this.
10. And when it’s over, promise yourself you’ll never have to ever write another sex scene as long as you live.
Never one to shy away from a question, I also asked Erika how she figured out which words to use for body parts. “Thankfully, my editors were very much a resource,” she told me. “Early on, I was like, ‘How do you talk about penises?’ They were like, your two options are d- or c-. There’s no ‘member,’ which I appreciated.”
Thank you, Erika. Find her romance novel here, and please come join us on Thursday evening, if you’re free. We’d love to see you!
P.S. Nine couples with the best on-screen chemistry, and is this the sexiest podcast?
(Photo of Erika by Christine Han, as part of her house tour.)
Tags: sex
Comments
77 comments831 is yet another startup by well-connected Officially Intellectual People who have recently discovered – imagine! – that romance isn’t entirely by stupid people for stupid people. Who would have thought???? I wish they’d be a bit more honest, because I kind of doubt that they stumbled upon romance novels with no intention of making money in 2020, as two people who’ve launched businesses together before, and had a business-ready company by 2024 lol…. It’s giving “Shonda Rhimes just discovered Bridgerton in an airport bookstore and bam she had to turn it into a show!” We know y’all scout shit out based on its commercial viability, I’d rather you were real with me. I’m also not a fan of the scheme for the cover designs and that the whole concept of the imprint seems to be “boutique romance for intellectuals.” Erika’s Elle interview definitely confirmed my suspicions that this is a get rich quick scheme — everyone knows romance is the highest earning genre, and I’m surprised that people would be willing to jump in so fast to a genre, and business, that they have zero familiarity with just to make money. Oh well…good luck with those book covers
I get what you are saying, but…every book published by a mainstream or indie publisher is a commercial venture. Every single one of them. Harper Collins is in this for your dollars, and they only buy books that they think will sell. And basically all of those publishing houses were created by men, hence the bizarre marketing persona that was created decades ago of the repressed housewife devouring paperbacks with Fabio on the cover. I think that 831 is a great idea, and that the covers are beautiful and an interesting experiment (I hate classic romance covers, but that’s just me). If someone is going to “disrupt” romance novels, I’m glad it’s two women and not the AI slop Amazon throws onto Kindle these days. And if it isn’t your cup of tea, then you certainly don’t need to read any of them.
TBH I thought the same thing about 831 when they mentioned it’s romance…without the shame. Like, real romance readers don’t feel shame? I’ve never felt shame haha. I would trust them more if they actually (a) read romance and (b) understood their audience.
There’s a British author, Sarra Manning who writes witty , spicy books with great characters, she really should get more exposure. Her most recent book is ‘The last days of Summer’. Very hot! Also maybe nice for our US sisters to read something set in the UK? She has a lot of other great titles too. Also a lovely person it seems.
My library doesn’t have anything by this author, but when searching I came across A Molecule Away from Madness: Tales of the Hijacked Brain, by Sarra Manning Peskin, a cognitive neurologist, that looks very interesting! Put that one on hold. :)
Erika! I just started Exit Lane this morning, and I so love it. I am dying to curl up tonight and read more. This interview was a total hoot.
Just curious where she got the book published?
831! https://831stories.com
This was so fun to read!
I have been devouring the 831 Stories novellas on Spotify–looking forward to this one!
So snackable!!
Ohmigosh I freaking loved this. This writing about writing is so satisfying and funny and lands spot-on for this romance book lover.
Took this lesbian a while to figure out c***… it rhymes with rock if anyone else is wondering.
Ha! I’m straight and actually had the same issue. I was like there’s only one c*** word I know and it’s fantastic. Took me a minute too lol.
Literally thought it was c**t until I saw this comment!
LOLLLL straight but was like hmmmm which one is this???
You know what delighted me so much? We really can do fabulous things if we dare doing so, e.g. write a romance novel. Thanks Erika for reminding me :) Ordered your book (from Hugendubel if you are in Germany, will arrive in 3 days :) Yay!
Thank you!!!
Congrats on your novel, Erika! As a translator, I’ve encountered a fair share of sex scenes (ranging from the heartfelt to the slightly flowery to the downright cringe – but always unapologetically horny, haha), so it’s fascinating to see an author’s point of view on this!
thanks so much—I can only imagine!!
Anyone else mildly turned on after reading that?
Yes. Looks longingly at husband in other room, in between us is 2 kids, 1 dog, 2 cases of (probably) covid (us), dinner (ugh what are we eating) an evening of entertaining kids, cleaning and wrapping presents. But still….
How fun. My only contribution is – if you’ve ever had something with someone that was only text and voice note based, yet somehow was the sexiest, most romantic, most emotional and most cringe thing that has ever happened with another person, even though you were both middle aged people with a lot of experience – well, just saying I feel I cowrote a romance with someone that has now thankfully been burned (but not fully forgotten) Thanks, lockdown
This!
Not a romance novel person but was intrigued and read the preview snippet pages on the books webpage — was bummed when the snippet ended! Noooo! Fun writing that in my book had a good integrity — as in I feel my own writing would be sharpened by reading this writing. But I’ll wait to buy it til I have time to read the whole thing…otherwise I wouldn’t sleep tonight…
My friends and I like to have themed cabin weekends and one was over Valentines Day. We had an amateur erotica competition, some of us wrote and others performed. I wish I would have had this post beforehand!! It was so delightfully mortifying, I think I highly recommend it 🙃
sounds SO fun
Reminds me of something the Romance Book Club would have done on their annual vacation in the Catskills from Ashley Piston’s A Novel Love Story.
I just finished a book where the author refused to say d*** or c*** and kept saying ‘his length’ instead. I don’t know why but it was overly annoying!
And this would annoy me!!
🤮 Horrible
Disgusting hahah
Ok this makes me want to read an actual good sexy witty romance novel – any suggestions? As I type this my toddler is sleeping in between my husband and I, so I need it 🤣💘
As a fellow parent of a toddler who likes to be cuddled to sleep, I enjoy the light-heartedness of Emily Henry romance books. They’re all very similar styles but Book Lovers has good steamy scenes.
Anything Emily Henry! So fun. Also Curtis Sittenfeld’s funny story has some sexy fun times if I remember right!
Anything (no, really, anything) by Marian Keyes.
The Hating Game by Sally Thorne.
Thanks everyone – added to my library holds!
EM, book recs of this type are my specialty… *cracks knuckles* Emily Henry really is the GOAT, try Book Lovers or Funny Story to start. Some other authors to look at — Abby Jimenez, Ali Hazelwood, Carley Fortune, BK Borison, and Christina Lauren. If you want your romance with a sporty flavor, Liz Tomforde, or of the cowboy variety, Jessica Peterson. All witty, delicious options. Erika book here she’s discussing is part of a series of (unrelated) romance short stories by 831 and I highly recommend checking out the rest. They’re quick fun reads.
Casey Mcquiston’s books, Jasmine Guillory, Ashley Winstead (Boyfriend Candidate, Fool Me Once), the Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang. Tessa Bailey certainly for the steamy element.
Adding Ashley Poston, Rebecca Serle, and Nadia El-Fassi.
Lovelight Farms by BK Borison has the BEST sexual tension I’ve ever read. Omg. It was a library book and I need to buy it so I can reread at will.
The early Outlander books, like books one and two… I ended up reading them all but those early ones had me looking at my husband with, ahem, inspired interest that was as close to as when we first met back in our early 20s… just saying.
I read A LOT of romance and am very picky about the sex scenes. In fact, before committing to a new author I preview any intimacy scenes to make sure they aren’t cringey. I love Emily Henry, obviously, Carley Fortune. Kindle Unlimited has led me to some great new authors. I adore Devney Perry books and I have read every one of Elizabeth O’Roark’s books. Starting with the Devil series. Witty banter, great tension, AND character growth. My new favorite and I literally binged all four of her published novels, is Ashley Manley. SO SO good. Start with “Every Beautiful Mile”, but my favorite was “Now to Forever”. Amazingly flawed characters, great side characters, AND steamy scenes that are both realistic AND hot.
I devoured Erika’s Exit Lane in one sitting… chances are if you like this interview you’ll like her book, too!
Got to read an advanced reader copy of Exit Lane and it is SOOO good and very swoony. Your process works!! ;)
Nadine!!! Thank you
Number 9! You had me in the feels there. Can’t wait to read the book.
#9 sent me straight to my Libro.fm app to get the audiobook!
I need to listen to the audiobook!!! Have FUN
my niece is a ‘romantasy’ writer and she had a bit of trouble with sex scenes. now she says its easy.
#8 is rather the secret to writing in general :) Love this. As a romance reader who has dallied with fiction writing generally, I do ponder how these sections go together. I imagine it’s the fun part for some writers and varying degrees of awkward for others. I’ve often wondered if I could accurately guess :P The editorial notion that d- and c- are the ONLY options drive me INSANE, both as a lover of words and as a health educator. If romance novels are truly going to represent the full spectrum of experience and even assist in demonstrating healthy experiences, they need to move past crude nicknames. It’s okay to call a p- a p-! (although I am trying to avoid being filtered, lol) /soapbox
Love this and answers some questions I’ve had about how anyone could ever be so brave, haha!
Nothing is as hard as writing your first one!!
Erika, hopefully something is as hard as that ;)
#9 Swoon.
As an erotica and erotic romance writer, I will say that sometimes you can find me in a grocery aisle, typing something that just came to me in my Notes app. But mostly it’s me sitting on my couch, listening to lofi and trying to think if a height difference will make a position too difficult.
THIS
This is sooo perfect timing, I’m working on a romance book, in my spare time and haven’t gotten “there” yet but it’s on the horizon. This was so helpful!
Yay ❤️❤️
Love you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Ah, I’m having a huge smile and some quiet chuckles on reading this. Lovely, funny, and a little silly, (just as sex should be) thanks for a very light moment today!
Exactly how it should be
Yes, Kim, exactly! This was so fun to read.
Agreed! Thanks for the midweek bright spot, Erika, and congratulations on your book!
There are some sex scenes that just blow me away with how they propel story and give you a deep understanding of the characters and what’s going to change after they consummate, all while staying soooo hot. The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue left my jaw on the floor. Like damn.
Just read and LOVEDDDD
I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a book so quick after reading about it.
Following up to say I started it this morning and just finished it! I have not binged a book in forever and it felt so good!
“Because no one is as unapologetically horny as poets.” Oh man, did anyone else go through an erotic poetry phase in college, or just this nerdy, bookish, sheltered English major? Haha
Did anyone else kind of not get over that phase and keep it hidden in their notes app?
I want to read one of the sex scenes! can we get an excerpt??
come to the strand event, she’s doing a short reading! ;)
She’s reading an excerpt of a SEX SCENE ALOUD?!? Geeeee whiz
#6 speaks volumes to me. Just standing in the poetry section of a bookstore makes me blush with memories of the hot bookstore owner I dated. Congrats!
Lucky you!!!
No. 6 had me laughing out loud, so true! Am going to check my book shelves right now to eh…verify again :) Also, congrats Erika!