13 Surprising Tips From Parents of Large Families

Yes!!!!

I’m not sure if this will be of any comfort to you (please feel free to ignore) but I wanted to share that my very close friend is an only and she was very happy that way. Her parents are still alive and she is close to them but I do not think her view will change after they pass. So satisfied is she in her only-childness that she and her husband have elected to have only 1 child themselves. And he (the child) is as happy and well-adjusted and fulfilled as any of our children with siblings. He is outgoing and easily makes friends. All this to say, I am sure your daughter will be just fine and there is a possibility that, just like my friend, she might love being an only child! Only thing is – my friend is extremely softly spoken and I think it might be due to never having to shout over a sibling to be heard (my own children are talking at the same time 90% of the time) so maybe just teach her to speak up haha. Ps. Love your idea of a post on family sound tracks!

We have one! https://cupofjo.com/2023/09/19/shoko-tatara-week-of-outfits/

Yep, same for me/us. I have four boys who used to be 4u5, so very close together. They are their best advocates! I hope it stays that way forever.

There a great discussion below where Kat asked about “affordability” and several people spoke from their unique personal experiences!

Mom of 6 here. My husband is the sole-breadwinner and I stay home. I haven’t actually found it to be crazy expensive to add a child to our family, but we have great health insurance and no childcare costs. I cook most of our meals and we choose to do lots of free activities. We still do museums and trips, but we choose affordable options most of the time. I don’t buy expensive clothes/shoes/baby gear. We live pretty simply and in my mind—my kids are my luxury item and I’m 100% ok with that.

Kids share rooms, clothes, homes are frequently actually smaller because it’s cheaper and easier to clean/manage. You live near family (perhaps) and family, togetherness, is the entertainment. One might value a bigger family over freedom or space. Fewer date nights out for mom and dad. It’s not a criticism or judgment of smaller families, but I’ve noticed that many smaller families (including my own!) have a higher “standard” of living than the big families.

YES, exactly. I found a lot of the comments to be a bit much on this post. I have two amazing neurodivergent children. Financially, logistically, practically, emotionally, mentally – we can’t afford to expand our family. And also, not sure if I’d want to do so anyway! I read the article and enjoyed the insight into family dynamics and situations different to mine. Good for them, not right for me!

The irony is however that by commenting you joined the soup.

Ha, I’d never heard of the bean soup theory until I read your comment (I’m not very online), so I had to look it up. I’d noticed the same thing in the comments and wondered if it’s a common phenomenon.

To me, the comments on this article are no different than any other CoJ comment section, where people share their emotional reactions to what’s being posted about that day. Unlike, for example, a post that brings up many positive emotions, this topic isn’t one that many people have uniformly positive feelings about. There’s a lot of interesting economic research that shows that the majority of American women don’t have as many children as they want to have (for a wide variety of issues – fertility, finances, etc). Even if people have talked themselves out of having a different number of kids than they want, that doesn’t mean they don’t find posts like this emotionally triggering. Add in people’s personal experience growing up with lots of siblings or no siblings, and yeah, there are lots of different ways this topic brings up a lot of feelings for lots of people.

Abigail, I actually find the need to comment on how other people are commenting far more eye-rolly than any comment I don’t happen to agree with, or think was unnecessary. It’s a comments section, not an echo chamber, and is for discussion, not sycophancy. I’ve found it so fascinating and thought provoking to read the back and forths here, the thoughts that have been provoked in other readers that they’ve chosen to share… To me the comments have added so much additional value to this fascinating topic and given me plenty to think about, and I don’t think they should be reserved for just those who agree 100% with what’s in the main post.

Alyce – very interesting comment, and definitely worth more thought; I’d wondered about some of those factors Abigail – in the comments below, Anna (not me), made a similar, helpful comment to yours (as a reply to Allison’s comment); all very interesting to consider

oh my goodness, I’d never heard this term before but it’s so funny! For anyone that can’t google it right now — it comes from the idea that if you post a recipe for bean soup on the internet, your comments will fill up with people who don’t eat beans asking for a non-bean version for them! lol

Thank you for sharing you thoughts Mariah. I have one brother. We live a few minutes from each other and only see each other about once a month – sometimes less if schedules are very busy. I see his wife and kids a bit more often as my kids constantly ask for play dates. But your comment has really brought something to the fore for me. I don’t know how to foster a deep friendship between my kids. They are wildly different in personality (there are just two of them) and go from besties to enemies in seconds – which I think is common for a 2 and 5 yo. I’d love a COJ post on how to foster strong friendships between kids that endure into adulthood!

I love this. Your students are so lucky to have you!

This was wise and helpful. Thank you <3

Big families are AWESOME, the opposite of ick. Lots of people from all political perspectives have big families in most of the US.

Toma: I think you read that comment incorrectly. LFS didn’t say big families are “ick”. I honestly don’t believe she feels that way. She said the way they are glorified by certain political movements feels “ick”. I have zero issues with big familes. My husband comes from a big family. However I just saw a clip where a CPAC speaker told young women to “throw away their birth control and have more kids than they can afford”. That kind of broad, non-specific advice is very problematic for a myriad of reasons.

I’ve been skimming the comments here and haven’t seen anyone mention whether or not a family can afford several kids. I’ve had friends over the years who would have liked to have more kids but were honest and realized that no, they could not afford them as they would need a bigger place to live, greater income to pay for the various and sundry expenses. We are not talking about sending kids to private schools or paying for expensive lessons. We’re talking basic, housing, food, transportation and medical care. You have to be well off to have more than one child today unless you live in some rural area and have plenty of family and friends to baby sit, affordable child care and health care and all the rest. It deeply concerns me when people have multiple children but cannot afford proper care that they need, and that is the case with many where despite plans and good intentions, they do not have enough $ for basic living expenses. Raising children, even modestly, even in an affordable area, costs money. As does childcare and I don’t know anyone who can afford to stay home with kids even if they wanted to. I remember one friend years ago who was desolate because there was no way she could stay home and had to work even though her husband made a very good salary (but it varied because it was sales based) and that was for two kids. Also, let’s be clear: Many people simply aren’t cut out to be parents and don’t enjoy their kids as much as the folks writing here. One kid was doable, but multiples? Didn’t work well for some folks. My mother’s family was HUGE (13, but 2 died in early childhood) and many of those kids had great relationship with my grandparents, others? Not so much. You have to be a pretty special person to have enough for ALL your children. I remember years ago reading a book by a son with 8 siblings. He talked about how neglected most of them felt and that the parents let the kids basically raise each other. Pretty much all of them had emotional issues that carried into adulthood. Bless those who have the energy and the spirit. But let’s not pretend that is most people living today in their twenties and thirties as they start families. And the idea that women should be the primary person responsible for raising those kids? Hell, no. If you don’t have a partner or spouse who will be sharing child rearing, well, let’s NOT go backwards in time. Women were not made to ONLY have children and be parents. And some were not destined to be parents at all and that’s OK too (unless you are one of those folks currently pushing females back into the home and taking away their rights to control their own bodies.) You know who we are talking about and I won’t name them here.

Toma, I am definitely not saying that big families ARE ick – I am saying that I know very few personally because I live in very HCOL city, and that it’s lovely to see big families featured in a context that is not promoting values that I find problematic, but in a way that showcases their beauty ;-)

Oh, and to add – I know a good handful of families who considered more kids but stopped at 1 or 2 for environmental reasons. I’m not making a value judgment about this either way, just explaining how I see smaller families sometimes aligned with liberal values in my area.

Irena- you’re so right!! It takes a certain special type of person to be an excellent parent to a lot of kids. Huge amount of selfless-ness!! And that’s harder and harder to find these days. We often don’t know our limits until we’ve surpassed them but this works out badly for everyone when it’s kids we’re talking about! Listen to your hearts and block out the noise and social media on this topic!!!!

Irena, I totally disagree. My father and mother raised all 7 of us (yes, 7!) on one wage, as a piano technician. We didn’t have fancy clothes, we didn’t go out to eat, but we were well cared for. He just paid off his mortgage after 30 years in the same house. It can be done, it’s just about priorities.

Megan – Irena said, “You have to be well off to have more than one child TODAY.” When did your parents have 7 kids? It’s likely that you are around my age when having 7 kids was more affordable due to housing costs, wages, better job opportunities, and college costs were lower. That’s not the case anymore.

It should occur to you that others don’t have the space or the money to feed six people as guests. Especially today when many can barely feed their families, and that includes two working parents. I live in a major city and very few folks have enough space to have six people, with four kids, say, over for anything other than maybe a pizza delivery. It’s cost and space and also time. It would be great to have home and a backyard but we have parks and, in fact, that is where many of us entertain, schlepping food and friends to hang out in the park during nice weather. We also have lots of venues to take kids and families, IF you can afford. Movies for six kids plus an adult? OMG. Again, $ are an issue even if there are places to take the kids, but require a fee per person/child.

Irena, why are you jumping on Jess? That’s great that she loves inviting large families over! YOU don’t have to if you don’t want to, that’s YOUR choice. Let other people make their choices. No one is forcing you to spend money you don’t want to.

Violence and meanness are what kids do? Seriously, that is just not true and not acceptable. It explains why so many kids today are bullies, violent and demonstrate otherwise anti-social behavior. They did it at home and it was not only tolerated but accepted as normal. Ugh. That is just awful. The other thing that gets me in some of these comments is that many act as if siblings all just get along, whether at home growing up or afterwards. You can all be raised in the same house but it is NOT the same experience for each child. Same with sibling relationships. I have seen families where there is great closeness and others where, although no animosity, simply no connection after they grow up and leave home. My concern is folks who have lots of kids and believe those kids will (and must) take care of them as they age. That’s a fantasy and really unfair to children who did not choose to be born. I’ve seen parents who raised there children “well” including being there emotionally, financially, physically. But kids just never felt that what happened to the parents was their responsibility. Having and raising kids is a crapshoot and if you enter with expectations of how it will be, or should be, you’re going to be in for some unpleasant surprises. Kids are not here to fulfill the parents lives/wishes, etc. We are gifted with them and we are responsible to the best of our ability to provide a safe, secure environment to allow them to grow into their own selves. They owe us respect and appreciation but that does not mean they owe anything we might want or need simply because we were their parents. Yes, a lot of you will disagree and really dislike what I’m saying, but I’m being realistic. Blood does not guarantee closeness or bonding. We create that but just like gardening, sometimes no matter our efforts, the garden does not flourish.

My parents tolerated bullying between us because they both grew up with combative relationships with their siblings. My terrible relationship with my brother dramatically impacted my trust of all boys as a kid and even carried into my general comfort spending time with men. I avoid my brother at all costs these days. I was adamant that if I had any children at all I would only have one girl. Luckily I married an only child who was indifferent to siblings because I want nothing to do with navigating those dynamics.

Irena, Katie literally said she’s choosing something different from what her parents did.

Family formation may be right for you but it’s not necessarily a path to happiness for everyone. It’s okay to not want kids or to prioritize other things on your life. The norm is still that people have children, and for many, delaying is due to how expensive it is to have a child. It’s great you have the resources for childcare. Not everyone does.

Roberta – I love your perspective and feel similarly! I am a woman who grew up in a feminist and liberal culture, which had many pros and some cons. The cons that I reckon with is around the reluctance I felt to ge t started having kids – so much pushback and rhetoric around how children destroy a woman’s career, independence and identity. I have 2 now, and another almost here, and I too wonder if I will be fit enough to be the active grandma I want to be. I also mourn the years my kids won’t have with their wonderful grand parents because I waited so long. Just want to amplify your message here because I don’t think it’s shared enough, especially in more feminist / liberal / career focused circles.

What wisdom, Roberta! I think it is evident Western society no longer places much value on parenthood, actively discouraging people to prolong it as long as possible and gawking at larger families. Well done Cupofjo, showing the joy that can accompany people embracing big families!! It is always wonderful to see such optimism and beauty.

I am so happy for you. My mother said the same- children are blessings. I am one of the six children. She believes motherhood to be her greatest accomplishment. In all honesty, she is an amazing mother- kind, gentle, non-intrusive and loving. When my father passed away at a young age unexpectedly, I spent my 20s-30s raising my siblings and letting go of many opportunities. Respectfully, parents who want big families should also have financial considerations in place instead of just love and dreams. My mother could not fathom why I wouldn’t have a child since my life would be so incomplete without a kid. I would like to add that young women should also be aware of the cost of motherhood and I am grateful to be living in a society where other choices are equally supported.

My only regret about motherhood is that I waited so long. My children have brought me such joy and I love this role. Each year that I waited is another year that I won’t have with them.

I am glad you have found your path and purpose! How lucky your kids are to have a parent who takes such deep joy in raising them. However, I don’t believe that parenthood is the only way to mature, more does parenthood automatically make a person mature (as the many people who grew up with/survived emotionally immature parents can attest). The childfree adults in my life are full, mature people with real responsibilities: as caregivers to disabled siblings and aging adults, as professionals in challenging fields (an ICU nurse, a therapist for kids who have been sexually abused…), as community organizers and advocates, as people doing the enormous work of managing serious chronic illness. While this capitalist hellscape makes it hard, there are still so many ways to live a good and meaningful life.

Dear Roberta As we say in Ireland “I hope the weather stays fine for ya”

You do you. But remember that it isn’t either/or and that comparison is the thief of joy. You can be a mother and a feminist, somebody who wants a career as well. We are complex creatures.

I would suggest an edit to this sentence: “All this is to say that now I wholeheartedly promote family formation to my young cousins as the way to true happiness!” Perhaps it’s a more generous viewpoint to say “…promote family formation as A way to true happiness.”

Ha – I have a career…we’re a 50/50 income family. Childcare is expensive and certainly not an easy financial/ emotional commitment (and certainly deserves more political focus). I’m most definitely a feminist and I work in a historically male dominated profession. I think it is interesting though that my sincere and wholehearted affirmation of the joy of motherhood is seen by some as “antifeminism”…motherhood has made me reflect on why female only experiences, activities, life stages etc are seen as a bit cringe. How enlightened would our society be if we truly embraced/ valued Womanhood? We literally create civilization!

I love that you raised this topic, Roberta. I agree with the pushback from other commenters that motherhood/family formation isn’t the only way to achieve happiness, and I understand how that’s offensive or hurtful for childfree people (by choice or not). But I also love the point you made in your follow up reply: “I think it is interesting though that my sincere and wholehearted affirmation of the joy of motherhood is seen by some as “antifeminism”…motherhood has made me reflect on why female only experiences, activities, life stages etc are seen as a bit cringe. How enlightened would our society be if we truly embraced/ valued Womanhood?” I’m also a (liberal) feminist and have a lot of conflicting thoughts about how a lot of our societal messaging seem seems to create a divide between motherhood and feminism. The amount of times I’ve seen negativity around women who claim motherhood as their purpose, or “make it their whole personality” as if creating a human life and nurturing it isn’t worthy of defining someone!? Bring on the matriarchy!! PS. Design Mom had a recent amazing thread about the matriarchy (and how it’s not the same as patriarchy with women in charge), which I’ve been ruminating on since she posted. I think we’re in a weird tough place (in the US politically) where it feels like you can’t embrace “family formation” or motherhood without appearing to align with the controlling and regressive political movement on the right. This was mentioned in a different comment above, too. I also feel Danielle’s comment so much “Each year that I waited is another year that I won’t have with them.” ugh, gut punch.

@Kate, fixed it for you: “…it is evident [most of U.S} society no longer places much value on parenthood [as evidenced by the lack of paid parental leave, affordable childcare, or flexible workplaces], actively discouraging people to prolong it as long as possible [due to the soaring costs of living, poor economy, worsening climate change] and gawking at larger families [who are then idealized on ‘reality’ tv shows and IG accounts which are problematic at best and abusive at worst]. Phew! had to get that off my chest.

@Roberta, in response to your follow up, personally, I do not view the parts of your comment demonstrating your “sincere and wholehearted affirmation of the joy of motherhood” as antifeminist by any means. What I DO view as antifeminist is you saying that you’re promoting family formation as THE way to true happiness to your younger loved ones. That sentiment, for me, lacks expansiveness of what indeed can provide true happiness to women. That expansiveness is, in my opinion, an essential component of a feminist viewpoint.

On the flip side of this, I waited until I was 34 to have my first baby. My husband and I had been together 16 years by that point! And I am sooooo glad we waited! Not only did we have so much time as just the two of us–building our relationship, traveling a TON, focusing on our careers, spending so much time with our friends, going out, making mistakes, building our lives–but I am also ten times more patient, mentally strong, emotionally healed, and financially secure in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s. Having a baby ROCKS your relationship, and I am so glad we spent so much time building our foundation and learning how to communicate well before we added another person to our family. I actually always thought I would have kids young because my mom did, and it just felt like the “thing to do.” I am a huuuuge advocate of waiting until you’re truly ready. We are trying for our second now, and I’m 36. I know quite a few people in their late 30s to 40s who are having their first or second child. I really don’t think one way is better than the other, but I just want to add a counterpoint that waiting to have kids is not a bad thing.

Roberta, I recently read Matresence by Lucy Jones (highly highly recommend!) and I keep coming back to this idea she writes about—copying here without the sources referenced but just to get idea across: “Because gender difference is seen as structuring and maintaining male dominance, many feminists seek to downplay and disavow anything that marks this difference,” O’Reilly writes, noting that the subject of motherhood studies is ignored by much academic feminism. By rejecting— understandably—the reductive primary association of women with their reproductive functions, liberal feminism ended up leaving mothers in the cold, neglecting the maternal experience as an important site of meaning for many women.“ There’s more discussion but just to give you an idea. I think about this often too (as a liberal feminist who finds no meaning in my career 😬).

Yes, Katie, I am sitting here reading and thinking well, I have seven all together! Ages 18 – 36, so blending and parenting is complicated at best. I’ve met all my bonus kids in their teens, which adds to the fun ha ha!

Oh wow, Denise, 7!! We have three all together in my blended family – oldest is 22, youngest is 3. I agree, it’s complicated and I’d love to hear other women’s experiences.

would love to do more pieces on this! thank you for the request. here are a couple past ones: https://cupofjo.com/2019/03/04/on-being-a-stepmom/ https://cupofjo.com/2019/09/19/one-couples-conjoined-homes/

Thank you, Joanna, for taking the time to reply! I will check out those links

I would also love to read about foster parenting. I loved Nia Vardalos’s book about adopting her child via foster care.

I’m sorry, Jane. This is so hard. Finding the right support group was key for me. Ideally trying a few of NAMIs groups to see if others are support/living with a spouse with depression was essential for me. https://www.nami.org/support-groups/nami-family-support-group/ As they say, we aim for better coping skills

I’m not sure that this works for everyone, but when I was in the thick of it, the kindest thing someone said was also the harshest thing. My friend looked at me (after listening to me vent about the same thing for the 100th time) and said simply and firmly “so what are you going to do about it”. It was hard to hear but reminded me that at the end of the day, I’m the only one with control over my life. I wonder if there’s a similar comment for your husband that might feel uncomfortable or even slightly harsh in the short-term, but will turn out to ultimately be the most supportive in the long-term.

Jane, this may not be relevant to your situation, but I sent this post to a friend whose husband has had a lot of mental health issues because of the long string of comments about the same thing.

https://cupofjo.com/2023/07/24/how-i-survived-postpartum-psychosis/

For me, support looked like talking to my husband and getting his permission to talk to his therapist. I went and had a session with the therapist and said that I thought therapy alone was not enough. The therapist talked to my husband who eventually got on a low dose SSRI. I am very lucky that my husband took my concerns seriously and was willing to go to therapy and get on the SSRI.

Oh Jane, THIS. And the tension between wanting to help and support them during a difficult time while also being resentful of shouldering the bulk of the responsibility. I feel you!

JANE, I’m so sorry you and your partner are dealing with such hard issues. Burnout and depression are both VERY real and so challenging. The only advice I will share is that if you aren’t already – get therapy for *yourself* ASAP. You cannot ‘make’ your partner go, but *you* need that support right now too. A good therapist can also help you navigate supporting a partner while maintaining boundaries to take care of yourself/your household. All the love to you.

Jane, this sounds sneaky but it works: If you talk into his phone phrases like “therapy for men,” “depression in men,” etc, resources will pop up on his algorithms. Then he has more incentive to explore this on his own terms. Good luck!

Jane I’m so sorry, and I very much relate. After many circular conversations, I recently had a very blunt conversation with my partner. I said I am deeply concerned about the impact of (certain things not worth going into here, but related to parenting) on our marriage, and that I worry that our marriage, in fact, will not survive these things. That was the first time I’ve ever said anything along those lines, and it felt really hurtful and scary, but needed to be said. And I said that he has by mid-June to tell me what his plan is – therapy, anger management, medication, some combination. That I cannot keep talking AT him about what I see are concerns, with the cycle continuing on and on. I said I can’t keep playing that role. I’m hopeful that putting that on him is a path forward. We’ll see. And what I’m now trying to work on myself is having faith in him and believing that he will strive to figure things out, rather than living in a doomed mindset. I outlined what I think he owes to himself/me/our family, and I think believing in him is what I owe to him, especially over the hopefully long course of time together.

Hi Jane, I lost my dad to depression. He was a very high-achieving guy at the top of his field and his depression probably looked like burnout to most people. My advice is to take your concerns seriously, share them openly with him, and don’t talk yourself out of what you’re worried about. Be a squeaky wheel, even if it makes him furious. Depression is treatable, but it can have irreversible consequences if untreated. Best of luck to you and your husband <3

That sounds so hard. This essay brought up a lot of points related to your situation — though, the discussion is was where it really came to fruition. Sending good vibes! https://www.patreon.com/posts/why-are-women-154012932

This makes me so hopeful! I say a variation of that to my boys all the time. And so far they do stand up for each other in public!

YES!

As a mom of 4 (14-7) I can answer this from my perspective. I wanted to stay home when our kids were little and was lucky to do that. I’ve continued to mostly stay home as we chose homeschooling for our kids. We have lived in small affordable houses and rarely vacation to keep costs down. For the last 10 years I’ve just about always had some kind of part time work for fun money and to keep me from getting cabin fever. I’ve worked as a doula, a lactation specialist, barista, bartender, shop clerk and now with kids older I’ve got more space to plan what I want to be when I grow up and have a solid plan that I’m actively working towards. Retirement is definitely a big worry but my husband is lucky to have a state pension. But an earlier and more comfy retirement has been one of the driving forces behind me making a better career plan for myself. I definitely carried a bigger load when the kids were small and I was breastfeeding. He’s tried to be an equal partner but it’s hard for it to feel fair when one is home and one works full time outside the home. I feel like every year we have carried the load more and more evenly. It takes a lot of work. We have never lived close to family and have rarely been able to hire any help. But we have a wonderful group of friends and have had various arrangements over the years of sharing childcare for date nights. A big family is a lot of work and expensive (but everything is expensive these days!) but seeing their relationships grow and their inside jokes and support of each other is worth the work!

I can answer for me! I have 4 kids ages 4-12. My husband and I both work, and yes, daycare has been expensive but we are finally on our last year. I do work in education, so I am on the kids schedule which helps immensely. We live near family who provide a lot of support and babysit for date nights. My husband and I divide labor evenly. We really are a team. Everyone, even the 4 year old, helps clean the house on Saturday mornings, and we can get it done in an hour. I manage laundry, but folding is actually “me time” when I watch my shows by myself, haha. We have a sign in our house that describes us well that says “Our hands may be full, but you should see our hearts.”

I can answer from the perspective of a similar family dynamic to those featured above: 4 kids ages 10-15, only my husband works, I manage the family with some help from my husband when my chronic health condition makes it necessary or advisable, we never hire help, family/friends don’t provide childcare, and we live very simply so we’re able to save for retirement. It’s great and it works for us!

Also wanted to add an important bit about keeping costs down with a big family: we drive old reliable cars like Hondas! Been driving my ‘08 odyssey since 2016 and she’s still going strong. My husband drives an early model Nissan leaf that cost us $3k and a few bucks a month to charge it at home. No car payments make a a huge difference. Lucky to have short commutes as well.

Adding another perspective! We have 4 (8-15y.o.) and we both work. My husband is a physician+professor and we had our first while he was still in med school. I did my masters while he was in his last year of med school and started when our oldest was nearly 1. Thanks to relatively generous maternity/parental leave in Canada (50 weeks when I had my babies), I was off work a fair bit of the time my kids were really little. I’ve worked 5, 4, 2 days/week. We had a nanny when the kids were really little (cheaper than daycare+before/aftercare for 3-4 kids! Plus she was incredible and we love her and still keep in touch to this day), day homes, daycare centres. Medical training was really intense and I feel like I can barely remember some of those years when the kids were really little :(. I’ve been working 4 days/week for 6 years now. I make a lot less than my husband but value the work that I do, the ability I have to contribute financially to supporting my family, and the pension I’m contributing to (fed gov employee). I work from home 100% of the time, so we don’t pay for any childcare (kids take buses to/from school). Kids are old enough that we don’t need a babysitter if we go out. We have a high household income so our kids are able to do sports/dance etc but when we go on vacation, we’ve still been known to stay at a hostel (it becomes a private room when you book all 6 beds!) and buy simple grocery store foods rather than eating out/cook in our accommodations if possible. And we don’t go on more than one trip with the kids via airplane a year. At home, we rarely eat out and only got a house cleaner this year. We’re comfortable but I wouldn’t say we have a lot of excess money and I wonder how large families without a physician’s income do it. My husband is pretty heavily involved in household/childcare chores – he books kids’ sports, summer camps, all travel/vacations, we split grocery shopping and he probably does more cooking than I do. The kids have chores too. I don’t know if this answers your questions – I know Canada is a very different context than the US because of healthcare, affordable(ish) university, public pensions are funded properly (CPP as opposed to SSI), etc.

I think it’s reasonable to expect noise- quiet ones, loud ones, jarring ones, pleasant ones- when you’re out in public (parks, beaches, anywhere) or live in a place with other people. Best bring headphones if the sound of children playing at a park or playground sets you off. Easy peasy!

Yeah as an autistic person I had exactly the same reaction! If I had gone to some big open space to get away from the world and try and fine some peace, and was met with continuous yelling…I’d probably melt down 🙃 at the same time I acknowledge we need outlets and often think about the fact that there should be more spaces where we can go and just scream…without impacting others!

I am very noise sensitive and carry earplugs in my purse. There’s an old parable about a man who walked around barefoot and complained the world hurt his feet. So he tried to cover the world in leather, when he could have just worn a pair of shoes. I wish there were more big families where I live because people with children are more tolerant of children, and I think that makes the world a better, kinder place.

I agree with this. At parks maybe this is ok (for a limited time, in a location that is considerate of other park users). We live in a quiet neighborhood, mostly working adults/retirees, and the balance families. The lovely family next door has three children, maybe 3 to 10, living in a small house. Their rules seem to be go outside and scream at the top of their lungs in the backyard daily, and for extended periods in summer. We are retired and like to enjoy our backyard, maybe read in the shade in summer. It’s never too early to teach consideration of others.

Madeleine I love your comment :)

I actually do bring earplugs with me and have a very high tolerance for children playing because I LOVE children. I also think it’s reasonable to help children understand that prolonged high volume noise in shared spaces is not a right.

Samesies

Me 🩷 also I never really grasped this quote until I became a mom!! It always felt rude but I understand now that “sometimes we like different things “ (Daniel tiger song)

Hi! Me! Love my small and incredibly close family.

thank youuuu. Patiently waiting for the only child article to come out.

Haha! Me too. :-)

I grew up in a big family, I love all my siblings, and I would NOT recommend it nor would I ever have more than two kids.

Same! I have one lovely child and that works very well for me! I’m also happy to be surrounded by different kinds of families—I have a friend with six kids and her kids are amazing—the most enjoyable, well-behaved, helpful kids! My son loves hanging out with them! I also have a friend who loves being an auntie, but is child-free by choice. I live vicariously through her amazing travel adventures! All of these different kinds of families are necessary and important. I loved reading about these bigger families. Also, to note, there has been a post on only children already!

Same! So fascinating. I have two little kids and there is a real part of me that wants a third, but I know – I KNOW – I will be a better mother to my existing kids if I don’t have any more. My friend with a newborn was saying she still wants a third; I told her I will be (1) jealous and (2) so relieved to not be her. Both are true. In a different life, I would love to have the personality (and nervous system) required to be a happy mother to 4 kids!

Yep, here.

Same here! Love that for them – while also knowing that if I quadrupled the mess in my house by adding another three kids to my family, I’d have to move to another solar system.

OMG, yes. We are hanging on by a thread making it through the threes (WHY does no one tell you about the threes, everyone’s like, terrible twos, terrible twos! nah, threes is holy-crap-oy-vey-make-it-stop-already!) and are so, so happy with one magical, spirited creature.

I’m not sure this comment (and the replies) needed to be said? Obviously there are plenty of families / people who don’t want big families. Just as there are plenty who do? If there was an article about having a single/only child, and a bunch of commenters were like “good for her, not for me, i’ll be over here with my 4 kids and house full of joy” I imagine it would get a lot of pushback. I understand “good for her not for me” as a concept, but sometimes I feel like people use it in a way similar to “not to judge, but…”

Echoing Anna. Also there WAS a post about only children. You can find it here: https://cupofjo.com/2018/01/22/on-having-an-only-child/ Just remember folks: just because YOU/your beliefs/your life isn’t getting highlighted at this exact moment, doesn’t mean it’s being insulted or ignored either.

Thank you for this, Anna. No one is having big families *at* small families, and there is room for everyone’s joy!

@Anna, my original comment was (and still is) in the spirit of joy for those who choose this, not judgment. There have indeed been COJ posts about families with only children and I’ve seen similar sentiment in those comments. We all do what works for us. I made my comment because at the time I was reading comments I felt very alone in my preference for small families, and I wanted to create a space for others in the same boat to be seen. As long as we’re not harming one another, we can all co-exist with different opinions and preferences.

Love this!

Yes, my experience is similar to yours.

Megan, I couldn’t agree with you more. My parents are estranged from all but one of their collective siblings, and while my sister and I are close, my brother and I have a strained relationship at best. I have 3 elementary-aged children (planned, wanted) who all adore each other now but I always wonder if/when that will change. We talk about how families all look different and can and should include people you are not related to, especially beyond your nuclear family.

I feel you Megan, and I’m sending you love. I’m one of 8 children, and they are not necessarily my “people” or my best friends. My husband and I also have a very chosen family network.

Hi Megan, I am glad you mentioned this because it’s such an important reality. I’ve experienced deep pain + years of tears in the adult sibling department, but I chose to share this tip with Jannelle because it’s my highest ideal. I know it may not come true — and thank goodness we can create chosen families outside our blood relatives — but for the precious childhood years, I encourage my kids to prioritize loving each other as much as we can, as long as we can.

I’m right with you Megan and also felt that catch in my throat when I read the quote from Alex. I love that their family has that bond, AND, I think it’s incredibly important to look for that depth of connection and care with friends and community. I’m teaching my (only) daughter to treasure friendship and showing her with actions like cheering for friends at their sporting events, hosting sleepovers, and making friend time (literally) our extracurricular activity.

It’s also okay for an experience to not be shared by all or include you. It doesn’t take away from your own beautiful experience of having one clearly cherished child!

Megan what is true for their family does not have to be universally true. My ‘look around’ is my girlfriends and my husbands and I know people with many siblings who don’t have that. When you resolved in your choices, and you deserve to be, comments like this won’t sting you.

Megan, I just want to validate how you’re feeling. I’m one of four and was estranged from my older sibling for about 10 years (things have healed between us now but will never be what they once were), and dealt with my middle sibling’s pretty serious mental health crises for about 15 years, which led to a lot of stress, resentment, and the eventual divorce of my parents. So I hear you when you say there is no guarantee when it comes to siblings. I also feel the same thing when people ask when we’ll be giving my two-year-old a sibling. We are actively trying for another baby, but it’s taking a long time, and it’s really hard to hear those comments. Big families can be great. Small families can be great. Birth families can be great. Chosen families can be great. There’s no right or wrong way, and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job for your child.

I had the same reaction to that quote from Alex. It’s great if it works out that way, but it’s not always the case.

I’m sorry you’re having these experiences. People are so nosy. I have two kids and they’re both neurodivergent. There’s no way I could have another kid and manage if they also had autism. Most of the things these parents mention would be impossible in our house. Parenthood has not been the joy of my life. Good for some but not for me.

Parent of one here. I see you!

I feel similarly. I have friends with big happy families and see the huge privilege in being able to just front up and fall into an easily supportive environment. I have other friends with hugely stressful family situations. I see my own freedom in being able to build my own network of ‘people’ for my children. It takes more work than just ‘because you’re a blood relative’ but the payoff is also a deliberate group who chooses to be there for each other. Which is all to say, love and community matters. If you’re born into it, amazing. If you’re working towards it, also amazing.

Megan, this really resonated with me and I am glad you shared it. I come from a very big family and adore all my siblings, but I’m the parent of an only child for many reasons (mostly my own capacity) and while I sometimes grieve not having more, I also am learning to view our family as complete. I think it’s wild when people ask/advise me about “giving” my daughter a sibling! Like ohhh, siblings, I’ve never heard of them, what a great idea you’ve given me! Anyway, these families are gorgeous and look so loving, my family is complete and wonderful, and the many childfree women in my life are also families unto themselves as well as part of ours.

I have an only child too–she’s 13 now (almost 14)! and she wasn’t necessarily intended to be an only child. But life doesn’t always turn out that way and honestly, while I wonder if she’ll miss the sibling experience, like I had with my sister, I am mostly really happy with our little family and I know that she is as well because she says it all the time. There are some wonderful things about big families and siblings, but there’s something really wonderful about an only child too. You can’t give your child every single experience and of course if we were able to have a second child, maybe she’d love that experience too and couldn’t imaginer her life any different. She is definitely a kid who loves a chosen family–she’s very close to some of my friends, to her cousins, to her chosen friends. She’s an excellent host to her friends–she’s always inviting them over and planning things and making tea for all her friends. AND she’s very very comfortable and independent on her own. She knows her limits with socialization and honors them. I do wish folks didn’t assume lack or deprivation in a small family, you know? There is a million great ways to be a loving family and no one perfect family! That said, it might be nice if Cup Of Jo did a piece on only children and small families too! There are different skills and considerations that go in to having a small family!

Thank you for sharing, Megan. Your comments really resonated with me. I’m a new mom (my son just turned six months!), and I had a difficult pregnancy and birth. I have often wondered in the last six months if I’ll ever want to be pregnant again because it was really difficult and traumatic. I don’t want to rush any decisions but at the same time there is that constant pressure from others to always have more. I’ve already been asked! It’s extremely overwhelming yet people think it’s okay to suggest having one is not okay. So I am just here to say that it’s okay you felt this way when reading this post, and you’re not alone. I want to also add these big families are beautiful as well! Big or small – there’s not one right way to do it. My biggest belief is that whatever size you want is great – as long as it is what you want and not what others say you should want. I enjoy seeing the different versions on this website.

Megan YES to “ think with where we are right now in the world, we need to be looking outward more, beyond the bounds of our immediate families and saying who can I love and support in my community” 2 and through here for “tree hugger” reasons (zpg) but would have preferred 3

Mom of 1 toddler here, I see you too! Our family feels complete, but I also had a rough birth (and even went through IVF!) plus tough newborn phase. I could add to this list too but wanted to say I see you. I actually commented on a post a few years ago about my guilt of only having 1 child and received very lovely responses from 1 child moms!! I think it was a post about how many children you’d like to have?? I second the comment about a 1 child family CoJpost in the future! :)

I love that you wrote this. I’m the youngest of 6. My dad is one of 16, my mom is one of 11. At some point, a bunch of kids just creates factions. I love the big happy family vibes but I wonder how many of the parents here are from big families themselves so that they understand the dynamic. It’s not always toxic but it feels so much more likely when you’ve only got 10 mins to spend with each kid every day, etc.

I think we can all agree that everyone should just stop asking everyone when they’re planning on having a(nother) baby. (Yes, Aunt Marie, I hope you are reading Cup of Jo). I feel like nine out of ten times, this question hurts someone in some way. And yet it is so hard to just reply: “Our family planning is a private affair.”

I would love to echo Ragon and put in a plug for a piece on the joys of having an only child! Big families can be so much fun and be so rewarding, but families with one child are also so much fun and so rewarding!

Mother of one here, @Megan Cahn and I used to get the “when are you going to have another?” comment all the time. To which I would reply (in my kindest, most curious tone): “Are you going to come over and feed, bathe, care for them and pay for their college fund?” It’s a bit snarky, but man, they would get quiet real quick.

One thing that I learned from another mom is to say: “You can be friends for life IF you treat each other with kindness and respect.” I love this because, first, there is no expectation of best friendship. Second, there is the reminder that each person must do their part to maintain a close and healthy relationship. And, finally, there is the beautiful truth that a sibling CAN be a lifelong friend. <3 FWIW, I only have two kiddos, but I say this to my boys all the time. And my hope is that it will turn out to be true.

Megan, Thank you for writing this. I feel so deeply “seen”. I, too, have returned to this post several times and am having so many very complicated emotions come up. I had two siblings growing up. And two step-siblings. My sister died in our 20s. My brother told me a decade ago that he didn’t want to speak to me ever again. My step-siblings live many thousands of miles away and do not keep in touch. For 10 years or so growing up, I experienced all of the joy and complexity that comes with being in a large family. Then, it all slipped away. Death, estrangement, significant geographic distances, and the passage of time left me at 35 years old feeling more like an “only child” than anything else. It’s so complicated. Like you, I have one child – a boy. He will leave for college soon. Then it will just be my husband and I. Our decision to only have one was so tough. We have the money and resources to have had a large family if we wanted. But we stopped at one. Sending so much love to all humans, whatever their circumstances are.

Megan, I fully agree with you. I am childfree by choice, so not having kids, but it really irks me when people are like, “I have to have more babies to give them a sibling! They’ll be best friends and it will be amazing!” They could end up that way, or they could end up the opposite. Having more children should never be the answer out of fear your kid will be lonely. In the end, they could end up just as “alone” as an only child.

Congratulations and many blessings!

Congratulations! How wonderful!

Genius!

Genius!

Genius, yes!

THIS is what generational healing looks like. Parentified children across the ages thank you :)

Rachel, as an oldest daughter who had to babysit her siblings and *didn’t get paid* (and mutiny always happened!!), this is brilliant. Will take this idea to use with my own.

Poetry!! Choose appropriate and beautiful poetry. One per week? Each person writes it and illustrates it (and/or makes it look pretty) and you read them every night and eventually memorize them? ok I haven’t actually done this but I know a family that does something like this…and includes it in a special “teatime” where they read poetry. poetry can be broad and also include song lyrics…

I have three kids (23, 21, 18) who were born in France. My (French) husband I and I moved to the US, where I am from, when they were 9, 8, and almost 5. The oldest two are more fluent than the third, but they all are fairly capable, especially after a couple of weeks in France. My biggest tip is not to be the only speaker of the language. Let your kids hear other people on a variety of topics (like the radio or a podcast) and, most importantly IMO, let them hear you talking with others in your chosen language. They’ll get exposed to a wealth of vocabulary outside the normal kid/parent conversation topics, and they’ll realize that the language doesn’t just exist for your pod of people. I had an American friend with a Quebecois husband whose three year old daughter was convinced that only men spoke French so she didn’t have to… Other tips from experience: my kids did go to language school for a time, in both languages, but as you said it was more for fun and conversation, both good things! We read a ton of books in both languages. They took French classes in middle/high school once we were in the US for grammar and spelling purposes. And we watched US/UK TV while in France, and French TV while in the US, which is nice for all of us. Bonne chance!

Hi Giulia, it is funny because I was you in london few years back! We moved to France when the kids were still little so they added a 4th language. It is important that everyone speak the other language so nobody is ever excluded from the conversation, we decided to all switch every time to the language “on the table” so adapt to the contest and people around. Our children, used to read a lot and our only rule was to get the original language book if it was in one of the languages spoken at home: as for the type of book, absolute freedom! It worked out well. Have fun!

I can’t comment on the actual success yet, but we are currently living abroad with the kids going to local elementary school and this is what we do – To keep up their English, we bought a bunch of kumon workbooks in reading and writing for their grade level and they do about a section a day (takes about 10 min) and I feel like it introduces a lot of vocabulary and phrasing that doesn’t necessarily come up in daily life. For my 3rd grader, I have her write a daily diary which has been a good routine and we get spelling words from her entries. Now you ask – how do we impose this? Earn screen time! I also understand that they have already had a full school day once they vet home so try not to do too much.

You asked primarily about writing, so maybe a one sentence journal in each language would be a nice daily ritual for everyone to do? I know we’re all trying to break up with the big bad streaming services, but did you know you can change the audio and subtitles languages on Netflix for most shows? And there are often so many different ones! My son was in Spanish immersion school, and I don’t speak it well, so I worried that over the summer he’d lose a lot of it. Enter: Ninjago in Spanish! 🙌 With Spanish subtitles too, so the literacy component is there. We have a system where our kids earn screen time with chores, but I told him that Spanish TV was FREE, up to two episodes a day. He was STOKED. When he returned in the fall, his teacher remarked on how much he had maintained compared to the other English-at-home students. Success!

We are a bilingual family in a place where we don’t have a lot of Spanish-speaking community, so our kids (9 and 2) mostly speak and hear Spanish at home. We now watch all TV and Movies in Spanish, with Spanish subtitles on. We also listen to a lot of Spanish music, and then my step daughter loves to do karaoke….so that’s how we are trying to get the reading in

We live in Germany and I’m half American. Our 7 year old goes to English class 1.5 hours one afternoon. Apart from that we just read the assigned 1st level reader books from week to week. I think it helps if they learn that language with its phonetic rules etc. With three languages it’s more tricky of course. I think there are many language games you can play. Leave them little notes etc. I would like to start that, but admittedly have not yet.

My husband and I were both raised in trilingual homes. I would not worry too much about writing, because you are lucky that all three languages share the same alphabet. My husband’s family had 3 different alphabets. He went to a bilingual school covering two of the languages & the third a parent taught at home with work books. He’s completely fluent in all three. My household had one alphabet so the focus was just on on speaking/listening and reading, the writing came pretty easily when I was older. Now, my son has 5 languages at home & 1 in the country where we live, and it is too much! We reverted to our shared language at home (English) and the local language. Good luck!

I am American, my husband is Dutch and we live in Germany. Since we are trilingual, this is hard but we are going to go the old-fashioned pen pal route for English writing skills! As well, reading correlates directly with writing and language and my son who reads fluently in all three languages has the best spelling and grammar. Have to work on that with the youngest two! Also, if you have a child that likes to write (like my daughter) you can cozily read and edit (with some tea and cookies… quality time for the win?) their written stories together and that can help some too.

Thank you so much for all the great suggestion, I will take on board a lot of these!

In her case, be married to an airline heir and hire a ton of help that you don’t show on socials.

They are super rich! Her husband is the son of a CEO and they have at least many millions of dollars.

I am the oldest of four, now all adults, and our parents still do a version of this! When we’re visiting each other it’s common that we get a text or a phone call from our parents saying “order Indian tonight! On us!” or “is there a froyo place? I’ll venmo you if you send a picture!” I makes me feel like a kid with my siblings again, in the best possible way.

Oh I love that – will definitely remember that for the future!

I do this with my three kids too!

I have one younger brother, and one of the most thoughtful gifts from my grandparents was to gift each of us a trip to visit the other one in college. Which is how I spent spring break in negative temps in Minnesota one year visiting him, a few months after I took him to a toga party at my campus…

What a sweet idea! We live in Manhattan too but my kids are much younger; I’m keeping this in mind for the future!

This brings to mind a man I met socially (no romantic affiliation – of course – lol. As if.) who left his wife with 5 small children. I gave him a talking to, (he mostly lacked self-confidence) and to his credit he at least listened but I have no idea what happened to them – I moved away. Hopefully they worked it out. What a nightmare scenario but it beats staying in a disfunctional relationship. A woman in that position really needs a community – any community – to step forward and support her, like in finding an affordable house, etc. We should not just watch them struggle alone.

Oh the community stepped up! She’s amazing, still lives here, the school gave her a job in the office and best news ever is that she also found the love she actually deserves!

I would LOVE a post on children’s birthday parties! My kid’s birthday is in late March, which brings notoriously fickle weather–it might be 75 and sunny or 35 and cloudy. I did a park party for her 2nd bday (during covid) and it snowed on us. After that I ruled out any outside gathering that didn’t have an indoor contingency plan… but because we live in a condo, that automatically means paying for a venue rental. Even a rec center can run $200 where I live. I did a small party at home this year which was fun but a ton of work for me. Tl;dr would love some ideas for LOW-KEY kids parties, which I embrace in spirit but haven’t been able to manage in practice!

Kathy, that is the trend in my area also which I love for younger ages! It is trickier with weather for a winter birthday as Meg noted. Another option as they get older that can stay budget friendly; just pick 1-2 friends and do something special/cool of the birthday kid’s choosing, then have a sleepover with those friends (or not if sleepovers aren’t your family’s thing). Rather than renting the whole place for rock climbing, escape room, paint your own ceramics, etc. I find that just doing that activity with 1-2 buddies is much cheaper, lower stress, and the birthday kid seems to be less overwhelmed, have more fun, and it feels more special. I was worried earlier on about ‘not inviting everyone’ but honestly if you truly keep it small people totally understand.

Meg, low-key parties are the best! December birthday over here … We’ve let kiddo choose a couple friends then headed to community events – library hour, craft hour, drop in kindergym, etc – which are usually cheap and the facilitators are used to chaos. We’ve also embraced gross weather as an adventure by renting a cheap camping spot (yup! in winter!) and used it for a day hangout spot – invited kids, had a campfire, roasted marshmallows, had hot chocolate, made leaf prints from mud and generally got cold and dirty and wet. It was great!

A bday party tip for kids who like fire trucks: a lot of smaller, local fire stations are cool giving free tours! I emailed ours a week before my son’s 2nd bday and they welcomed him and his 3 friends for an hour and let them sit in the trucks, tour them around, etc. They said they were happy to do it (probably because most of their job is a lot of waiting around)!

@Meg Embry we are hosting my tween’s birthday this weekend and I was also at a loss – “do you like bowling? Bowling is fun??” I said, but he was meh. I ended up downloading an at home escape room kit (escaperoomgeeks.com) where you print out all the logic games because we are abroad. I think it will be fun!!

No one wants party favors. Literally no one on earth, ever. We do every 3 year birthday parties for our kids starting at age 7 which covers the big ones 10, 13, 16. We have an allotted budget and they can use it as they wish-pizza party with friends and pizza, hotel night with one friend, pedicures with a few friends etc etc.

+1000000 to never doing party favors again. Why are we giving other parents more trash to deal with???

Following for ideas! Our youngest is August, so park birthday parties are fabulous, but our oldest is December – which is sometimes skating party weather, but sometimes Arctic temperatures. So, like Meg we need an indoor contingency plan, and even the most barebones / basic options are several hundred dollars. Totally agree that we need to collectively call it on treat bags / party favours though! Especially ones filled with cheap plastic garbage, please make it stop!!

My toddler and baby have winter birthdays (Dec 23 and Jan 11) and I have no clue what we will do for parties. Weather sucks, people are on vacation or tired and need a break from holidays. I’m sad it will be difficult for them to celebrate with their peers.

After a few almost missed birthday parties due to sickness, I’m half-seriously thinking of celebrating summer half birthdays for my winter birthday kiddos.

Grace, we have talked about this also!! We have already had to cancel a few December birthday parties because of flu season, so we were like – what if we celebrate just us in December and then have a park birthday party with friends for his half birthday in June 😂

our community does the same thing. sometimes we have parties at the park and pick up Costco pizza to feed the bunch. kids go wild playing in the park and adults have our catch-up time! no presents, no favors. just a good excuse to hang out! most families have 3-5 kids, so there really isn’t the option to have elaborate parties. for my 3-year old’s party last year, she wanted a tea party, so I picked up a few tea cups from the thrift store, set out some little treats and a nice tablecloth, and the little ladies had a blast! another option can be to take a few friends out plus the birthday child to get a special treat, like ice cream.

So far we’ve only had family/family friend parties and one full-class party at a rented out jump place, but my soon to be 7 year old wants to have a (totally perfect and 90s) party at home with around 4 friends from school. I love this but also… what do I do with five 7 year old boys in my house? Do I curate activities? Just let them play in his room? Video games? (we haven’t really done play dates at home before). help!

How lovely!! – Fellow mom of 4

This is beautiful and exactly our approach! Also a mom of four, wouldn’t change it for the world.

I paid for college (though my mom was forced to take out a small PLUS loan) myself and graduated with 28,000 of debt. I paid it off in under ten years with some help from public service forgiveness grants ($5000). I think paying for college was really helpful for me because I took my studies and postgrad life VERY seriously. I don’t plan on making my children pay for college themselves, but I will be very transparent that there is only so much money for things like college, weddings, down payments on homes, etc. so they need to think seriously about the future and what options they want.

My thoughts exactly!

In an ideal world, we probably would have had three kids. But my 5 year old daughter is autistic, mostly non-speaking, and loves smashing eggs and squirting soap on the floor, so the two kids we have keep us as busy as if we had three.

I am in the same boat. We didn’t know how many children we’d have when I got pregnant with my daughter and my husband said, “let’s just start with one”. And then life very much decided for us. We’re both from big, relatively happy, families so it’s taking time to fully accept. But we’re excited to surround her with other meaningful forms of life long relationships and community

This is called parentification and is worrying

This is a good tip. Kids love to be helpful, don’t they?

My dad had to do this growing up – I echo the other commenter to keep an eye out on this. Can be hard on kiddos to have to assume a parent responsibility out of obligation.

@jillian — I agree with you. it happens especially to eldest daughters…

Echoing this. Parentification is something worth learning about. Big families are amazing, and honestly, it’s so good that so many of us live in a society where it’s possible to choose the size of our families. HOWEVER, it’s the parents who chose the size of the family, not the children. Kids shouldn’t be responsible for kids, full stop. Even if it’s just ‘little’ things like packing a sibling’s lunch.

Hmmm, not sure on this approach… might be helpful for the parents, but why make your older kids do your work (just because they were born first)? And doesn’t it always seem like the oldest daughter gets assigned / takes on the most work?

I think this sounds so helpful — and seeing my older two sons help the youngest is such a wonderful feeling. I know a lot of people are expressing concerns about parentification, which is valid, but I think it’s a balance. We also want to teach kids interdependence, how to be helpful in their surroundings, and how to show care to those around them, especially those who need more assistance.

It’s definitely not ‘parentification’ to assign older children tasks appropriate for their time/development/etc which happen to have to do with the needs of younger kids. I am the oldest of nine children and there are certainly ways in which that was hard and things I’ll do differently if I have my own children, but I worry about this trend of saying that assigning your older kids *any* responsibility over younger siblings is inappropriate or damaging.

This resonates with me Anon. I loved this post, it’s so interesting getting a glimpse into others’ lives but I did have a tiny bit of envy! We have two kids and while I’d have liked more in some ways, my husband very much wanted to stop there. Most of the time I love it, we’re a peaceful, tight knit family and I feel I have capacity to give my kids the attention I want to, while still having time to invest elsewhere in things that are important to me. But every now and again I have a little bit of regret that we didn’t have a third and this post definitely pressed on that! That said, I wonder if whatever path we take there’s the chance for a wondering or a wistfulness for the road not taken. (The Robert Frost poem comes to mind although I certainly wouldn’t claim that two children is the road less travelled!).

I feel this. I have an only child, he is the joy of my life and I could not love him or parenting any more than I do. We have a good personality fit and are very close – we have a sweet little triangle family. I don’t think we could manage another kid or kids, both from a career or energetic perspective. I mean I guess you just figure it out if you need to, but we didn’t need or want to badly enough to try. I definitely get a pang of jealousy when I see larger families, but once I get a whiff of sibling rivalry I’m back to being very glad I only have one.

I understand what you’re saying and feeling. I think that choices can often feel not really like choices and there can be a weird feeling of longing that’s for something you’ve not been able to have. Is that a type of jealousy? Perhaps. But it’s not in any mean sense. Reading this too I had a Peng of oh I wish I’d had more kids! I grew up with 3 siblings and those siblings are so important to me now in my life. I think I wish I could have that for my two kids. I know also people who desperately wanted kids and couldn’t have any so their life took a different shape. My own family is a shape I didn’t expect and one child is in hospital a lot and so my youngest is often alone without them. I don’t think it’s about inadequacy it’s about different shapes and circumstances. But I get what you’re saying too. I think did I make the right decisions? I guess in the end, don’t worry about it. Everyone has their own stuff they’re comparing to as well. So now I just think, that looks fun but I don’t sweat about it. Just don’t worry. I get jealous over people travelling. I want to do that! But then I move on or I’ll go bananas. My reality is that travel is although something I’d love to do we can’t. I get jealous of the nonchalant mention of travel like it’s no big deal! It’s annoying as hell. But I quietly shove that down and pretend I’m happy for them lol, then I think don’t worry! It’s not worth me tangling in knots about it as it won’t change my situation. But a good vent to someone who gets it can be very helpful! Don’t feel bad about feeling jealous. But it’s not inadequacy I guess is my long winded point. It’s just different realities.

Yep. I do wish I had a higher capacity and would have been able to at least handle two kids, but we are one and done for so many reasons. Not to promote myself but I did a podcast interview with Claire from Evil Witches about this very thing! And the reason I did the interview was because being the mother of an only (whether by choice or not) can be a lonely experience, filled with doubt, and I wanted other moms to feel a little less alone. Anyway, hope it helps if you choose to listen! https://www.notrightnow.show/maybe-having-another-kid-would-break-us/

My favorite advice about jealousy was from my mom’s best friend. She said that she used to be jealous of other moms sometimes when her kids (4 of them) were little, mostly over them being able to afford stuff or maybe have a more flexible job, whatever, totally normal things we all get pangs of envy about–and then she said she realized if she was feeling jealous of that person’s life..she had to look at the whole life, not one aspect of it. Did she wish she could trade for that person’s husband? No. Her kids? No. Other things she loves about her life? No. And it helped her see the totality rather than that one aspect of that person’s life and her own. There’s no one thing that makes a life. I’d tried a million ways to cope with my own feelings but this widening of the lens really helped.

I have an only daughter, and because I’m divorced, it’s the two of us. I love our close connection so much that I honestly never consider the kids I don’t have/the siblings that she doesn’t have. I hear what you’re saying about inadequacy but I love all the more-than-adequate things that I can give her (and myself) including so much attention and love and quiet time. I had one sibling growing up, so not large, but I still felt like I never got enough attention and closeness from my parents, and I love getting to nurture that with my own daughter.

1. They might genuinely have more capcity than you. As a newly disabled person this inequity is so unfair. Some people are born into families that support their nervous systems and some are not. Some have healthy models for mental health. Some have boundless energy, tolerance etc etc some do not. You have observed a fact, not a moral judgement. Your job is to assess the capacity YOU have and work within that. 2. They are often faking being ok. Just like everyone else. Good for her, and all that jazz.

I’ve found that I’m somehow jealous of both my friends with way more kids and my friends who chose to have no kids (I have 2 and am fairly certain that’s it for me) which is kind of nice because I know that… I will be “jealous” no matter what, so I may as well stick with what I truly believe is what I want (the two kids I have!!). (I am not an overly jealous person I think? I just can see the nice parts of each choice but also can’t fathom the downsides)

You know, when we were trying to have a second child, I did feel some pangs of envy when I would see larger families–or just families with two children. I was afraid I was going to deprive my daughter of something essential. But once we stopped trying and just leaned fully into being our own little family of three (around when she turned 5) those pangs disappeared for the most part. I mean, I guess sometimes I wonder about the path not taken, but leaning fully into the only child life has been so amazing! She’s almost 14 and our family is just balanced really well. Like, I love going to my sister’s house for Christmas and getting to do the bigger family thing with her 3 kids plus mine, but I also love getting back to the quieter routine of our home afterwards. And she really does too! If we had more kids, we would figure it out, of course, and we would give up some of the things now we take for granted. We probably wouldn’t be able to imagine feeling fulfilled in a smaller family because that would be like wishing a child away. We would never ask a large family if they wish they were smaller because you’d have to imagine your family without a specific person so maybe it seems like envy/jealousy only go one way. But I don’t think small families lack anything and are rich in love in our own way that should also be celebrated.

Yes! I have a toddler and a newborn and I am a dried husk. I’m excited to go back to work soon because being a mom every second of the day any night is killing me. I would love to have more (my three sisters are my whole heart!!!) but I am drowning with two. How would I ever go hiking alone again? Go on dates? Afford child care? It’s overwhelming.

So funny that you asked this, Anon, because my answer is NOT AT ALL. it would literally never have occurred to me to be jealous of a larger family. The families in these stories are lovely for sure but I read this entire article thinking “thank goodness I have only two children!” My two kids are beautiful and fabulous and our family feels so complete. And, we have sufficient energy and attention and financial capacity and professional travel capacity and housing capacity (we live in a major city but they still each have their own room!). I cannot imagine wanting any more kids beyond our current two. I appreciate that everyone is different here! But two is our sweet spot. So, no, jealousy didn’t occur to me until I read your comment! So interesting!

I really relate to this comment. I live in a religious community and am basically surrounded by families of 4-12 (!) kids. I have three, which isn’t abnormal where I live but is the smallest it gets. If you have two I think people assume something went wrong although no one would say that out loud. I have super conflicted feelings about my jealousy. I really wish I was able to have more, but life/health got in the way. And yet in another way, I am baffled by this desire. I don’t actually… like parenting very much. I find it arduous, boring, and stressful. I love my kids, and I like being with them, but the problems feel bigger/scarier than individual problems, and parenting also involves a ton of grunt work that is in no way interesting or invigorating (paperwork! school meetings! etc.). So I think my jealousy is less about actually wanting all those other children and more about like, wanting to be *the person* who could handle that, which I am not, and also a sort of keeping up with the joneses mindset. I know that isn’t enlightened but it’s the truth!

I’m the oldest of five! My mom technically “stayed home” with us, but she actually nannied for her very wealthy sister and her ELEVEN children each summer. So my mom was always present, but had her hands very very full. They lived on a large property so we were sent outside after breakfast until lunch, and then we could either go back outside or have quiet time inside until we went home at 4! So my mom was “home” with us, but I didn’t see much of her either. I still loved my childhood and wouldn’t change much of it, just wanted to offer an perspective that a parent who is home doesn’t necessarily mean more time with them (and especially not one on one time)!

As of today i will think of myself as a boat parent! I love sailing and it conventiently matches the parenting style you describe.

Love this!

I have two sisters, but the three of us plus our mom are in a group text and it’s rare a day goes by without some contact. We also have a larger group text with my mom’s siblings (5 total “adults”) and the cousins (9 total “kids”). This chat is more sporadic, but I love that we share in the good and bad life happenings. As an aside, it’s amazing that my sisters and I are close. We were not growing up. I’m the oldest and did not care for the middle. The youngest was 6 years younger than me so we didn’t spend a lot of time together. I’m SO HAPPY that once the middle and I were no longer under the same roof, our relationship flourished!

I’m the oldest of 5 and have multiple different family group chats going at all times. There is the whole family – parents and souses included (my husband jokes that he married me to get in on this group chat – on which he is very active), the siblings, the mom + sisters, and then random little offshoots when something funny happens and a few of us are clearly blowing up everyone else’s phones or when something only applies to a couple of us. We’re in near constant communication, everyone has everyone’s locations, and you can be as active as you’d like but you can’t leave (the Mom + sisters one is literally named “DONT LEAVE” because my sister once left the chat in a huff and then wanted back in the next day 😂). The hundreds of notifications a day are one of the joys of my life!

This is so sweet!

Oh Jenny, good thinking! You sound like a fun person. I’m inspired.

Thank goodness for the amazing, stylish, thoughtful aunties in all of our lives!!