7 Inspiring Reader Comments on Life Changes
One of my favorite things is when Cup of Jo readers give pep talks in the comment section. For example, a reader shares that she’s expecting her first baby; another gives an update on dahlias blooming in her garden — and everyone jumps in to cheer. Today, we’re sharing seven comments on life changes, big and small…
On a bolstering haircut:
“I was stuck in the wrong job, depressed and anxious. When I finally got the courage to hand in my notice, I instantly felt relieved — but in limbo. I took myself to a hairdresser who understood, and within an hour, my nondescript hair had been transformed into a stunning bob. I walked out feeling bolstered. The haircut was a signal to myself, and everyone around me, that change was coming, and it was a good thing.” — Annie
On welcoming a baby:
“At 39, I started on the path to become ‘a single mom by choice.’ I’d always wanted children, the partner stuff hadn’t worked out, and I was ready. I did seven rounds of IUI with donor sperm — all failed. I changed jobs for the IVF coverage, and had just started my first cycle when I met someone. He was very supportive, and we dated for a year while I went through three more cycles with donor sperm. All three failed, and I had enough insurance coverage for ONE more, so we decided to try with his sperm. We’re expecting our daughter in December.” — Erin G.
On gaining strength:
“At 45, I found myself feeling utterly worn out by life and family issues. I felt weak in every way, so one day I decided to do push-ups. The first day, I managed two. Every few days, I’d try to add one more. They were HARD, but I kept going. I’d split them up throughout my day (you can do push-ups just about anywhere!), and whenever I felt panicky, I’d drop and do a few. It helped! Tremendously! A year later, I was doing 100 a day. It was astonishing. Push-ups are now as much a part of my life as eating breakfast and brushing my teeth. I’m so proud of myself.” — Sasha L.
On empty-nesting:
“I always worried about having an empty nest. But now that our kids are in college, my husband and I have found great joy in our time together. Now, instead of after-school activities and chores, we have date nights almost every evening! We watch the sunset, do the Wordle, try new restaurants. My daughter recently laughed, ‘You guys are so cute now.’ When the kids are home for breaks, it’s heartwarming and busy again — and when it’s time to go back to school, everyone’s ready! Enjoy your time with your kids, but know there are exciting new chapters ahead, too.” — Jeanne
On solo joys:
“After a big break-up, I listened to the podcast Just Break Up, which was cathartic. I felt less alone, realizing how many others have been heartbroken and come out the other side. Now, I’m happily single. I love being able to do exactly what I want, when I want. There’s no one to get toast crumbs in the butter, or drip jam on the countertops. I don’t have to compromise or reach an agreement with anyone but myself. It’s bliss. If I meet someone that I want to include in my life, well, lucky them.” — R.S.
On finding new hobbies:
“I recently joined a weekly pick-up basketball game with a group of women at my local rec center. Some used to play on college teams and are very good. I am not one of those women. I am not good at all. But everyone is so kind: Rules are explained, fouls overlooked, baskets I actually make are cheered. There is something so great about running around for an hour, playing a game with a bunch of cool people. I get sweaty and tired like a little kid; I’ve sprained my finger and pulled every muscle in my body, but I smile the entire time.” — Seraphim
On embracing grays:
“I’m 53, and I’ve spent the past year growing out my grays. I decided to stop dyeing them when I realized it wasn’t sustainable, money-wise or time-wise. I was apprehensive about looking old to my daughter, my husband, my students, and myself. But it’s been such a liberation that I want to shout it from the rooftops! The other week, my husband stopped me to say, ‘You make those grays look good.’” — Anon
How has your life changed lately, in big or small ways? We’d love to know.
P.S. Cup of Jo readers share their favorite photos, and three women on changing their careers (gift link).
(Photo by Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy.)
Tags: reader comments
Comments
194 comments@Erin Geiger Smith G: I do not know you and I am late with my comment but your story just made me spill a few happy tears. I am so happy for you and wish you the best pregnancy and birth experience.
I grew out my greys and as soon as I cut off the last of the dyed stuff I met a lovely gentleman 16 year my junior. I love my grey hair… and so does he!
Ha, I don’t even remember writing that… as I was reading it I thought to myself “heck yeah, me too!”… only to realize it *was* me! I stand by it – still very happily single =)
I quit a dead-end job 18 months ago after having my second kid. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do, freelanced a bit and just gave notice on a retainer with a really toxic boss. Inbetween that we moved into our new (dream!) home with our two young kids, and I am much happier living here, but it mostly reminds me of how much money we owe the bank and how little I am contributing financially. Starting therapy again tomorrow because I need help to get through this.
Dear, sweet Jessica, you are contributing financially if you are taking care of the kids all day, every day. If you are cooking meals at home, maybe menu planning, maybe shopping sales or clipping coupons or batch cooking. If you are cleaning even a little bit while you are keeping your kids alive and making sure they are fed every day. If you are choosing the (free) park over the (pay for it) waterpark most days. If you are teaching your children how to be good humans, and to read, and to love, and that life has its trade-offs and money, while necessary and helpful, isn’t everything. I bet you are doing all these things and more (there’s always more!). Dear friend, you are enough and your family is lucky to have you.
Thank you Nancy :) Soaking up your words.
Hear, hear, Nancy! Jessica, caring for two young children, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, etc. doesn’t stop being “work” just because it’s yours! People get paid for doing those tasks as their jobs-the fact that you’re doing it yourself means that’s money your family isn’t not having to spend-don’t discount your own labor, lady! By being home right now with your kids, you are doing SO MUCH for your family. You’re doing very important work that will matter for YEARS.
Now in my 60’s, I can look back at the hard, the disappointing, the surprising, and the miraculous. I can also look ahead with anticipation and contentment. It just all got here so fast! But also asking for suggestions: my NYC son does freelance creative work. He’s lived there 8 years, but lately it’s become nearly unsustainable because of cost of living. Any ideas for a part time (maybe 10 hours a week?) remote job to supplement? It doesn’t help that some of his jobs don’t pay for 90 days. Thanks in advance to this beautiful community.
I just saw a headline that someone is doing well dog walking in nyc.
Second the dog walking, house sitting, even jobs on TaskRabbit, etc. That, or get a full time desk job and put freelancing on the side.
Wow these comments are incredible. Such a grounding reminder that so many of us are just going THROUGH it at any given time, even though it can feel isolating when it’s happening. I just moved from my favourite neighbourhood that I’ve lived in for 15 years to an area nearby, to have a bit more space and because my wife was very ready to live in a quieter area. We have a third kiddo coming this summer and also needed more room overall. But, now that we’ve moved, I am SO so profoundly sad. I feel homesick, and almost as if the best years of my life are behind me. I am panicked about being the best mom I can be knowing I am feel so down about this transition. I’m trying to give myself time to get use to the change, get familiar with the area, find connections etc., but there is a deep sadness and grief and regret mixed in. I wish this was easier and I am hoping it does improve, but so unsure at the same time. Sigh.
Sending love, Isabelle! This is soooo normal and natural for you to be grieving that time in your life. We’re constantly moving every 4-5 years for my husband’s job too and so I totally feel you – each time we start again and I feel exactly like you because we have built incredible communities wherever we land and I have to keep reminding myself that we will do it again but it just takes time. In each of the moves, I found that we all started to feel more rooted by 12 months or so – like truly content with our new place/friends/schools, etc. by 12 months. Remember too that new friendships and connections take time to nurture and so you can’t give up – even when you’re tired of small talk and feeling like you haven’t truly found your “people”!! Some times it can take awhile to get to that level with people. Anyways, all of this to say- I’m rooting for you!! And tbh, since you’re a CoJ reader I know you are clearly awesome and you will find other awesome new people – I’m sure of it!!
Dear dear Isabelle Please give your dear selves space to feel it all, and hold your dear precious selves with the sweetness and compassion you would give a dear and precious friend… in the hurl and press of daily life in adulthood, it’s easy to forget how much work goes into the mental remapping of a new home: discovering all the little wonders of your new days— the way the light slants at the golden hour, the distant enchantment of geese or trains, trees and parks your children adore… the great dog walkers with wild hearted humor, these beautiful new chapters and wonderful adventures are all just around the corner…but just now the mental remapping is hard, so so much invisible interior work. sometimess it’s helpful for us to say to ourselves -Just as the best workout you’ll ever have is the first week of a new sport (or a new level of one you love), the hardest any new chapter is, is the first (week, month, year)—80% of life work is in the newness, building mental frameworks it’s easy to overlook ( and so, to forget to account for) the deep hard mental work of becoming, teaching dear wonderful exhausting tiny humans and your dear precious beautiful selves: is the beautiful work we come to life to do. Please keep telling your dear family so Things will get better. You’ve got this. And you’re in a lot of hearts.
I had life changing spine surgery 4 years ago and woke up to extreme burning pain in my in my back and legs. I thought I wouldn’t be able to endure it during my recovery and here I am 4 years later still dealing with this searing pain. Long story short, my surgery failed immediately because of my connective tissue disorder and it’s caused my spine to degenerate at a faster rate. The good news is because I was used to chronic pain, I had tools to deal with it. I also have a wonderful physical therapist who helps with my quality of life. I now have to walk with Nordic poles to keep balance and am so much slower than I used to be (I walked 10 miles per day regularly). Our city built these incredible stairs from where we live down to a park. There are 103 stairs with 5 landings and I’ve started walking them daily. Over a year, I now can complete 5 cycles per day and do modified push ups after each cycle. I’m so much stronger, and have met so many new people who also use the stairs. My pain is still a constant companion, but is now just another part of my life. Movement in nature and community have made my life so much easier.
I am almost 6 weeks post spine surgery and still dealing with a lot of my original pain in addition to lingering surgical pain. It’s been brutal. I am so sorry your surgery failed and that you’re still in pain, but it has also given me hope that better and stronger days are still possible. Thank you.
You are amazing, Beez!! Such an inspiration!
Oh. My. Gosh! That’s me who made the comment about going gray at 53. Excuse my excitement, but I have thought more times than I care to admit “I wonder what it takes to be quoted on CoJ.” Lol! I finally made it, I got quoted! Hair update: This past year (55) I decided to stop flat ironing my hair- I am Asian American and my hair is actually wavy, and about five months ago, I decided to embrace them. Everyone loves it, and now my hair is that much healthier! I’m staring at 56 in a couple of days and I feel great!
oh yay! welcome to the club :-) Its exciting! Also: wow, I’m sure you look amazing! I’m 46,and started to have more greys recently, but couldn’t pull the trigger..I’m not ready for the grey :-D I admire your bravery, I’m very unsure about how I could deal with the transition in a professional (corporate) environment…also I’m vain haha :-)
Thanks to all who are sharing stories of change – good, bad and otherwise. The past five years for me have been nothing but upheaval and my takeaway has been when the worst has already happened, there is nothing left to lose AND I can depend on myself – nothing is as bad as it seems and nothing stays the same for long. Five years ago yesterday my husband of 25+ years announced he wanted a life of passion and adventure…with the younger woman he had been seeing for two years. And out he walked. I moved out of our family place, they bought a house together (she lasted nine months after that). I could barely stand to be in the same city where we had lived our whole lives and raised our sons, so a year later I took a job out of state. Moved three hours away to a place where I knew literally no one. Lived there two years and came back home. Worked at what I thought would be my forever dream job and then oh look – laid off last May. I spent the past year applying to every job in my field and having no luck, so I worked two part time jobs – one at an art gallery and one at a jewelry store. Turns out the jewelry store is the most fun EVER. If it paid enough to live on, I would do that forever! Who knew?! I just signed the contract on a great position back in my field, again out of state, but this time only 90 minutes away. I’m so sorry to leave the jewelry store – in fact I’m coming back to work there over the Christmas break when I have two weeks off! My takeaway is doing something completely outside my whole career training and experience turned out to be the absolute most fun and I learned so much, met amazing people, heard so many stories – the store is 113 years old, people came in who had been shopping there for years, it’s a wonderful neighborhood place. Loved it and will miss it. Hooray for small local businesses!
Dana, this made me so happy (well, except for the first part regarding your ex)! So proud for you making it your own way and coming out better than ever! A jewlery store sounds so fun – sometimes I daydream about “how much money do I actually need,” because something like that sounds so fun!
After 8 years of infertility and 2 precious IVF babies we decided our family was complete until we learned I am unexpectedly pregnant with #3. We’re waffling between amazed, excited and completely overwhelmed. On the one had it’s so magical to experience a pregnancy that doesn’t start at the doctors office. On the other hand childcare costs and sleeping through the night. We’ve been calling him Curveball (CB for short), and trying to trust that the unexpected things can be the most magical.
Congratulations. Enjoy your precious bundle of joy ❤️
CB! Love this. You guys sound like the perfect parents to catch a curveball!
This was supposed to be my year of life change and reinvention, which it is and will be but so very much not in the way or direction I’ve envisioned. I’ve somehow been diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer within a 2 month span, the first which will result in having both breasts removed in just over a week, followed by a surgery a month or so later to remove all or part of another organ, and then finally a non-urgent oophorectomy salpingectomy sometime in the fall, perhaps, due to a BRCA mutation. Will I need chemo? To be determined. Am I bitter? Yes. Absolutely nothing is going to plan and I have fully realized that control is an illusion. I’m not dealing well with these life changes, to say the least. Maybe I’ll have some advice on the other side, when I hopefully get there.
My thoughts and prayers are with you ❤️
Oh Meep. I’m so sorry. Cancer sucks. I’m holding your hands in mine virtually and sending you hugs.
Oh Meep, I am so sorry that you are going through this. There is no easy way through it, but you can and will do it. I had a bilateral mastectomy in October and am still going through reconstruction endocrine therapy. Take it one tiny moment at a time, let the people in your life that are there for you be there, fall apart, get back up. It does and will get better. I can leave you with some advice that’s helped to buoy me- “whatever happens, I’ll handle it”. I think I heard that on here at some point. Sending you love ❤️
You are under absolutely no obligation to deal with this in a way that other people would call “well”. It’s an absolute fucking nightmare, and you have my full permission to grieve however you want. You are free to drink heavily, take up a ridiculous hobby, find a great sex worker, be furious, buy things that cost too much money, like a horse or a miniature donkey or a new car, tell off every asshole you encounter, and etc. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you find all kinds of strength and comfort and joy and wisdom along the way to becoming cancer free.
oh meep i’m so sorry to hear you’re facing this. also holding your hand + cheering you on as you move through the changes
Dear @Meep, Please accept the light, love, and strength I am channeling to you. I have no words of wisdom, but know that I am sending all the positive energy I can to help you through everything. Big mama bear hugs your way…
Echoing the messages and love and wisdom from the others. I have gone through breast cancer twice, had 2 mastectomies as part of 11 (!!) surgeries in the 9 years since diagnoses. Got through radio and chemo… and somehow, day by day, Im still here and writing this looking at flowers in my garden. Wishing you the smoothest journey possible, and sending SO much love. xx
I am 14 weeks pregnant and recently found out in a scan that there is a good chance this isn’t a viable pregnancy. Following up with a bunch of genetic testing, but based on the scan the doctor gave us a 15-20% chance of a healthy pregnancy ending with a healthy child. Trying to take it day by day now and snuggle with my 2 year old as much as possible (without freaking him out). I went through my own big postpartum health complications and spent a month away from my infant in the hospital and was really hoping for a more “normal” experience this time around, whatever that means. Trying to hold all my grief and hope at the same time.
How heart-breaking. Hope you have great medical and emotional support. Holding you and your family in the light.
Alison, I’m so sorry you’re in this space. I had a similar experience a few years ago. I just want to say, although we don’t know each other, I know your pain and hope, and, I wish I could cosmically help you hold it. You are in a sisterhood of mothers who also know the fear, who know waiting for answers, who know being presented with impossible choices about your family and your body. Take the gentlest care of yourself and know that you are a strong mother.
Alison, I’m sending you love, strength, and community. Three years ago I was in a similar, horrible situation. I wish for you all good things, including compassionate care and love all around you. We are all holding you.
I’m approaching my 42nd birthday, and the last 7 years have been marked by so much change. Some drastic, some modest, but all give me a feeling of invigorating momentum in my life. Just shy of 35, became a parent. A few months before turning 38, I quit my job to start my own consulting biz. That same year, I drew a firm boundary with a family member that was painful but necessary. In my 40s I’ve started running and learning French, along with trying a boatload of other new things. Each time I’ve found a new joy or passion, I’ve caught myself wistfully thinking “what if I had started this younger?” but then I remind myself: how *cool* is it I’m still trying new things and learning about myself in my 40s?!
Way to go girl. Thanks for the inspiration!!
If you are doing it right, you only learn more and more about yourself the longer you live. That’s why we don’t die of boredom, we die of exhaustion, lol…. (60 and continuously astounded and excited by the expanding depth of life.).
Erin’s story is so touching to me…I am 35 and going trough my 2 round of egg freezing I don’t have a partner and I don’t see one in the forseeable future, so I’m pretty sure I’ll have to try with a donor too, but her tenacity and the love she found at last are giving me hope! What a beautiful, moving story
My wonderful mom just died unexpectedly and I have little kids who will never see their beloved grandma again and all I feel is so so so so full of rage that this happened
So very sorry for your loss, Bria. Life is very unfair sometimes…
Feel the rage. Scream at the universe. And then let yourself be cared for. There is love to help you through.
Bria, I am so so sorry for this seismic loss. I know words can be meaningless in the face of such grief but please know that somewhere, a stranger is holding you and your family in her heart. ❤️
Omg Bria I’m so sorry. I also lost my mom two years ago when my twins were three and it was a profound loss. She was one of the best people I ever knew, she was an incredible grandmother. I’m still heartbroken that my kids will probably have no memory of her. I’m sorry you are going through this too.
There are no words at a time like this. But I am another stranger sending you love ❤️
Dear Bria, I am reading this a bit late, but I wanted to send you love and acknowledgement of how unbelievably awful this is. My father died unexpectedly in February and I am still so furious and heartbroken about the circumstances and that my 4 year old is now without her loving granddad. I’m finding that it’s a uniquely horrible feeling losing a parent unexpectedly and especially when you had thought there would be more time for them to watch your own kids grow, and I just wanted you to please know that I am thinking of you and your children in this time of grief.
Earlier this year, I made the decision with my husband to leave my job in academia. I was going to take some time off to dive back into my hobbies and to figure out my next steps. We also desided to move back east, near family, and buy some land… and maybe animals (I want a donkey!) A few months later I requested medical leave from a job that ends in June… I was just diagnosed with a rare connective tissue disease. We are waiting for a rheumatology appointment, and are researching autoimmune centers around the country (i.e., The Mayo Clinic, The Cleveland Clinic) in case the appointment goes south. We are hoping that my health will stabalize soon, so we can start looking at houses and move closer to our families. In the meantime, I am taking a lot of joy in my two small raised garden beds and our bird feeders. (I sound old, but I am only 36)
This sounds difficult, and I’m happy you’re finding joy in nature. I hope your appointments go well. Sending you a virtual hug and all the good vibes. xo
I’m not sure what your connective tissue disorder is but as someone who has dealt with one my whole life, hEDS and was diagnosed 40 yrs ago, there is a full life coming for you. Stay positive, move your body and spend time in nature with family and friends. Sending you love and strength as you navigate this challenge.
Great responses, as ever. It is a hot evening here in London, after a blazing day. I am listening to Mozart, the balcony door is open, the cat slumbering. Out in the street there is the usual incredible noise, including a screaming group of girls who were obviously irate about something. A car has just driven past with the music blaring so much I can feel the bass two floors up. Every day I tell myself I am so lucky; the last two years have been the hardest of my life as I dealt with the illness and loss of my husband, sold my house, bought my flat and left the countryside for the best city in the world. And, just for the record: I no longer have the stunning bob but I do have a smart crop that makes my grey hair sing. Life constantly surprises.
Annie, the sequel. She’s always evolving, even through tremendous loss. I’m rooting for you. Enjoy London!
Woop woop for you Annie!!!
3 weeks ago, at the age of 59, I got my private investigator’s license. a year ago, I started apprenticing at a firm that does a lot of work on behalf of indigent clients (via their public defenders) — including death penalty mitigation. we also do the more stereotypical pi work of tracking people down, surveillance, etc. it is challenging, exciting, rewarding, sometimes exhausting and occasionally very emotional — but I love it! and i feel quite proud that my 14-year-old now gets to tell his friends that his mom is a pi. in the past year, i also got a double mastectomy and we quasi-adopted a young woman from Angola who made her way to the US to pursue her academic dream, but those are different stories altogether…
Uh what, this is amazing! I want to watch the movie about your life please.
Ok, what?! How does one become a licensed P.i.?
Unless I’m mistaken, I think Hannah came out as gay, not her husband (but both would have been wonderful too): “I’m 38 and married to a man and came out as “super gay” a month ago. (I’m so surprised by my the obvious fact of my queerness the superlative feels necessary.) That started an avalanche, disassembling my really good life in pursuit of what could be a great one. ” https://cupofjo.com/2023/02/28/my-first-queer-love/
Going gray is amazing! I’m 38 and have been letting my grays grow for about two years. Prior, I was spending $200 every 6 weeks to cover them up, just to have them show again in a few days. It’s SO liberating. I followed Going Gray Early group on Facebook where beautiful younger women show off their graying journeys. It really inspired me and I’m happily myself, grays and all.
Grateful for these stories today! I’m reminded of a few of the last lines in the *fabulous* novel (rec’d here at CupofJo of course), Lady Tremaine. – Forget the word *should* – You do not have to be afraid – You do not have to be good – You are the scariest thing in the woods.
My hairstylist is amazing and I’ve been going to her for several years now. She recently was interviewed by Marie Clare and people…the magazine picked the photo of me from her instagram to include as an example of a person with a “cool girl haircut”. I’m in my 50s, incredibly flattered but this is so freaking weird.
This is awesome!! Hooray for you and your cool girl haircut!
Tricia, would you be willing to post the link? I’m so curious (and would looove new haircut ideas 💓)
If you are up for it, would you share the photo? I’d love to see your cool haircut! :)
My husband and I live in the same home with my parents, a very intentional decision that has worked well for our family for years. When my sister entered divorce proceedings in 2022, she came to stay with us. Fast forward to now, and she’s still here, searching for a job, without much having changed. Her being here has been so hard in so many ways. Even though my husband and I were transparent with her that this would be temporary, we’ve come to realize that without giving her a gentle but firm timeline on moving forward, things would probably never change. I’ve struggled with such guilt and anxiety around having this conversation with her and my parents, fearing that wanting my own life in a way that doesn’t absorb the results of her life changes makes me unloving. I find certain things can trigger my guilt and anxiety: hearing how difficult it is to find work in this economy, reading articles on enmeshment only to see the backlash that American culture is hyper-individualistic, etc. And yet I find I can’t keep living in this dynamic. My husband and I have sought the help from a therapist, who has been wonderful, inspiring us to live our values, of which loving kindness is one of them. She reminded us that carving a life that feels right for us is loving, too, that we are also worthy of love. We’re finding our courage to do just that. I’m so grateful to you all, nameless internet friends, for being a soft place to land. Like so many others, I find this community to be a treasured balm for the soul. Thank you, thank you. Here’s to love and courage!
I wish you all the best, Anon! I also struggle with feelings of intense guilt when I try to set up boundaries with my family, so I understand how hard it can be. But you got this!! You DO deserve to live a life that feels comfortable and happy and right for you.
Boundaries are important and you have to protect your peace. If it’s not working to have your sister there, you absolutely need to tell her that she has x amount of time to leave. Even if she is angry, you’ll get your home back.
Sending our oldest to college this fall, still one at home, and the college is under two hours away, but Jeanne’s comment brought tears to my eyes.
I married my husband a year and a half ago after dating for a year and a half and immediately got pregnant after the wedding. After wanting marriage and a baby my whole life, I’ve been terribly disappointed and sad. My baby is miserable still at 9 months and is delayed in all of his milestones. My relationship is turning out to be toxic. My husband is not the rock or supportive partner I was hoping he would be, even though he loves our baby and tries so hard. He also suffered a major depressive episode leaving me to care for my baby alone. I feel divorce is imminent and I’m terrified – mostly at being forced to be without my son when I don’t have custody. I also don’t have a stable job right now as I just started my own business a few months before getting pregnant. Basically, it’s a LOT. I’m inspired by everyone’s positive outlooks and ability to see the best because I am fully struggling more than I knew was possible.
Obi! You are not alone. Parenting is so hard with littles, even if you’ve got an “easy” baby. Please be gentle on yourself. Maybe worth calling your GP today to ask for a depression screening if you don’t already have therapy or mental health support lined up (Libraries are other resources to find out about low cost or support group options.) In the meantime, what are some ways you can build in some oxygen for your own life? Friends you can see? A walk that makes you feel like yourself? Is there a mom group/mom chat for your area you can join to have some community? Can you afford a nanny share or help during the week? If you have it in you, I also found the Gottman relationship folks had a useful short course for new parents (online course, pretty short, just good stuff re: communication hygiene- really helped my relationship.) Take care. We are rooting for you.
Obi, I have been where you are. The first year postpartum is so incredibly, impossibly hard. My husband also tried his best, but was not a good partner at all and I often felt alone and like it was always going to be this way. However: while my husband was decidedly NOT a good infant parent or intuitively supportive to my needs postpartum, he has turned out to be much better suited to the toddler years. My baby is almost three and we are much more balanced in our roles, he’s naturally stepped up, and I feel less like I’m drowning alone in an endless ocean. I think everyone has a kid’s age at which they thrive as a parent – and honestly I don’t think it’s baby days for lots of folks! Babies also develop at wildly different rates and it can be so stressful monitoring all that. You are doing a wonderful job and I hope things get better soon.
I think one of the greatest difficulties in life is finding yourself with the things you thought you wanted, more miserable than before you had them. First, I want you to know that it is okay to feel that way. Being married is hard. Being a new mom is fucking HARD. Unexpected swerves and changes within those new roles add to the anguish and suddenly you feel impossibly overwhelmed. Nothing lasts forever, and I mean that in the most hopeful way possible. Our lives are the sky and the experiences we encounter are the clouds: they will constantly come and go (some much faster or slower than we would like). I genuinely believe that the best things are yet to come, and I want to take a bit of that belief and hand it to you. Sending you strength and the knowledge, gained from my own cloudy, stormy days, that bluer skies await.
I wish I had some good advice, Obi. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of really hard things all at the same time. Sending you a big hug and hope.
Oh I wish I could give you an enormous hug. It’s all so very hard
Oof, sending you so much love. One of the best pieces of advice I heard when my kids were babies was Don’t make any major life decisions while the baby is under one year old. There’s so much going on in your body, baby’s needs are significant and your family is still adjusting to a HUGE change. Things will even out and settle just as they’re meant to. Wishing you all the best.
Sometimes this happens even in longer term relationships! We’d been together 12 years when my son was born, I thought there were no surprises left, and the rug was pulled from under me in the gaps between what I’d hoped for and the lack of support I got. Hoping for this and having dreams did not bring this on! Sending <3
Oh dear Obi, I could have almost written your message, except that I had been with my ex-husband for more than 10 yrs when we had our daughter. Everything went south as soon as she was born. He became mean and distant, I had complications from the birth, my daughter didn’t sleep much and wanted me all the time. I was miserable. Things stayed this way for 4 yrs, I was living abroad and so scared to change everything and not see my daughter if we separated. Then he announced that he had fallen in love years ago with someone else, so I had to start the feared “big change”. I applied for jobs in our home country, got one, COVID hit, found a flat remotely, waited 3 months until COVID measures were losened up and we could fly back. And then started my new life as a separated mum and it was amazing! I couldn’t believe how free and happy I was without him! He moved back to our country as well and we split time with our daughter 70% me / 30% him and it is very nice. I realised that I need my alone time and having a few nights a week without my daughter who is now 10 and still not a good sleeper is essential to me. Plus then I met my now-husband who is the most amazing step dad! As other said, you’re still in the first year postpartum and things might improve with your partner so I also think you should give it a bit more time, but even if you decide to leave him, it is very likely that you will have an amazing life. Good luck!
Erin G., SOB! Congratulations! Hannah, this is poetry: “Now I see it as the necessary destruction of a good life, in pursuit of a great one.” And honestly, every single person quoted — I’m just so darn proud of y’all.
What is it about big life changes and a haircut? The week my husband started a job that made our relationship long distance I made a last minute appointment and cut a fringe. What followed was one of the hardest years of my life, but I did at least have a lot of good hair days. It’s now been a year and a half and both the bangs and our relationship have lasted. I’ve got a new job so we’re under the same roof again and feeling like we’re settling where we were meant to.
My husband and I also navigated a long distance relationship for a year due to job issues. We ended up back together and that was 20 years ago. I look at that time now and realize that it was hard but also a little exciting. We had married at 19 and had lived together our whole adult life. I think we both grew in our own lives and dated in the best ways.
Great timing for this post. I’m in my late 50s and was holding on to my government job for the pension. I’d become complacent. I realized that there is no growth or opportunities here and maybe that’s not how I should live the rest of my life. I’ve begun to line things up for early retirement (to preserve my healthcare) and travel for two months. Then I will figure out the rest of my life. I’m a bit scared, but no growth without risk, right?
Do it.
I second that you should go for it – but first, talk to a financial planner and make sure you can afford it! Safety first haha
the financial planner said yes!
JoJo B – I feel this and it makes me happy that you are exploring your options. I’m in my early 50’s, also holding on to my government job for the pension. I’m a single parent, so there is no other source of income for me. However, I went back to college a few years ago to begin a second career, which I am working on the side. While the government job has been consistent, stable, and flexible, I too have been feeling complacent and like this is just not for me anymore. There are also no opportunities for growth for me here anymore. My second career is totally unrelated to my government job, but I keep hanging on because I don’t want to give up too much of my pension. You’ve given me a little hope in this situation………Good for you for taking the chance! Maybe I will soon……
I just finished my first year of grad school (after years out of school and working in a different field) and am due with my first child in October!! Wow, huge changes, but very exciting. Trying to put together support to finish my last year of school with a new baby. I think I commented early last year wondering aloud about the timing of grad school + starting a family, and I received some kind and thoughtful comments in return. Wishing everyone positive changes.
Congratulations on your schooling. I went into 1st year of nursing school when my 2 children were quite young. I had a lot of encouragement and friends who were willing to look after the children. All the best with your little one and adjusting to parenting. You can do it!
Earlier this week, I found out my role at my company was being eliminated due to layoffs. It’s been an emotional week with a lot of mixed feelings and ups and downs – but the truth is, I had been incredibly unhappy, and I was mostly just staying out of gratitude for having a job in this economy. I’m choosing to see this as a blessing in disguise and an opportunity. I had already been interviewing and trying to figure out what I want to do next, and maybe this is exactly the push I needed. In my free time, I’ve been pouring energy into a passion project: building a networking event series for women working in media production. More than ever, this feels like I’m living out the “why” behind creating this community in the first place.
So sorry this happened to you and hope you land somewhere great. xoxo
That’s great you’re seeing it as a blessing. I’ve always said every time my husband lost his job it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
I’m expecting my first baby literally any day now! I have so many mixed feelings about it all and I was never someone that KNEW motherhood is what I wanted but something that gets me excited is picturing my partner cuddling and holding our tiny new baby…. <3 I'm a bit nervous what changes are to come for our relationship but I know he's going to be an amazing dad.
Congratulations!! You will be wonderful. I’m just on the other side of the first year of parenting. Give each other all of the grace, move on from little snaps and gripes, and know that it’s ok if your relationship takes a back seat to the baby for now. My husband and I are just finding each other again. The first year is survival (magical, wonderful and also exhausting, anxiety-inducing, emotional, etc), so set your expectations low and know that all phases will end even when they feel interminable. Sending love and best wishes for as easy a birth and postpartum as possible
I second what Elizabeth said. The first year is survival! Depending on your hormones and a whole host of other things, you might feel like you “hate” your partner (lord knows I felt this way!!), but you CAN come back together. It took my husband about a year, too, to find each other again. We just celebrated 19 years, our son is now 2, and we’re like, okay should we do it again?? lol but I also want to say, parenthood is AMAZING. There is truly no way to convey the magic of it until you’re in it, and I’m so excited for you to experience it.
Hi Zoe, I relate so much to how you feel. I too was on the fence for such a long time and I have never had the feeling of total commitment towards becoming a mom. In the end, I decided to go for it because of two reasons: 1. Choose the bigger life (thank you so much CoJ) and 2. Because I knew my partner would make the best father. My sweet baby is now three months old and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I researched EVERYTHING before and during my pregnancy, but somehow I failed to prepare for the overwhelming joy of being a parent. There have been some tough nights, as is only normal with a newborn, but I just never factored in the rewards of loving and caring for someone so much. I can already feel the future nostalgia creeping in. All of this is just to say: even mothers who have mixed feelings can surprise themselves and become great parents, as I know you will.
“my husband stopped me to say, ‘You make those grays look good.'” uuhh that is soo sexy! love from Paris (grays too and an amazing husband)
My life was upended recently. My wife had been withdrawn for the last year and a few weeks ago told me that she will be transitioning FTM. I love my spouse, but I’ve never been into men and I’m terrified this will be the end of our marriage. I want nothing but happiness for my spouse and to be who they need to be, but I’ve been grieving since I’ve heard this news. I work a high stress job with long hours and I’ve thrown myself into work more as a distraction since it feels like everything is falling apart.
I have no advice so I’m sending love Jill.
Sending you love, this sounds hard. Whatever happens, I hope you two can find a way forward that eventually brings you both peace.
Jill, may you find comfort in Hannah’s story. “Now I see it as the necessary destruction of a good life, in pursuit of a great one. … You can walk through a door you thought was closed to you, and find something beautiful on the other side.” Wishing you a great life, doll.
Jill, this sounds so incredibly hard. No advice for you, but sending you lots of strength as you navigate these difficult weeks/months/etc.
I’m really sorry, Jill. I was in the same situation but my spouse went MTF. It’s 2 years past the big reveal now, for me. If you want, and CoJ can share my email with you privately, I’d be happy to talk. Sending you lots of love!
@Clare, I’d be happy to talk if there is a way CoJ can put us in touch. I’m out of my depth here and would appreciate hearing from someone who understands.
I hope both you and they can work through the transition with communication and grace – even if it’s hard.
Any COJ readers who have grown out their grays and then added lowlights in their original color? I have ashy, dark brown hair and a ton of gray at the front and top of my head. I love their dimension and sparkle, but in the last two years the composition of colors has gotten off-balance. I am toying with balayage or baby lowlights in my dark brown color, BUT I am extremely low maintenance and don’t want to mess with my hair too much. Would love to hear any other experiences!
I get a white streak. It’s super low maintenance. I can do it 1 or 2 times a year + my actual greys break up the line. Also having a blob of white just makes me happy and gives all of my other white hairs a big friend so they look better instead of each lonely.
I’m a bob girl, and a blonde, so I just grew it out in 2022. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2024. If you’re on Facebook, I found the group Silver Revolution valuable!
Low maintenance and darker hair too! I use a semi permanent dye (the kind that slowly washes out) so the gray is faint but blends in. When my grays reach the ends, I’ll stop dying altogether
I’ve been getting blond/ashy white chunks put in my hair along with dark low lights! It’s rather striped, but I get compliments a ton. My natural hair is ashy brown with gray and white in odd places, like underneath by my neck is all white. I only have to do this once every twelve weeks, which has been a money saver since having it all colored. I could probably even go longer. I also have an undercut as my hair is so bushy and frizzy. I totally recommend the lowlights interspersed with some white highlights! :)
The last year or so has been nothing but a sea of change, and while I’m grateful, I’m also so tired. Last summer my husband and I married, moved across the country to my hometown, and both started new jobs. I thought this summer might be more relaxing, where I’d read and watch my tomatoes grow. Instead, we’re having our first baby this Sept and are under contract on our first house that will need a month or two of reno before we move in. All blessings to be sure, but gosh, I wouldn’t mind a few months without big life changes or the feeling of rapidly approaching deadlines!
Ashley!! I am almost literally RIGHT THERE with you! I got married last May, we moved from the suburbs into the city in January (& I left my 12-year finance career to become a painter), & we’re expecting our first baby at the end of October! It’s been a crazy 12 months, with a lot more wild on the way, I am sure (painting commissions, how to paint a mural while pregnant, actually getting ready for this baby!). Here’s hoping you get some time to watch your (container-planted) tomatoes grow, congratulations on all of your own growth, & I am in the disorienting new of it all with you! ♡♡
I am considering a move from Maryland to Texas. Texas is not a place I ever thought I would consider, but there is an amazing job offer coming my way next week. My husband and I are both really excited but I am also very nervous about leaving my support system (I have a LOT of amazing friends here). But the thought of a fresh start somewhere totally new is also really exciting and hopefully I will find my people there.
Congrats and welcome to the Lone Star state! As a native Texan who spent a decade living all across the US and finally moved home, I feel as though politics can overshadow the truly wonderful aspects of living here. I love living in one of the most diverse metro areas in the country, having access to all kinds of culture and foods, and Texan friendliness and propensity for small talk. If you do move here, Big Bend and Guadalupe National Park are so worth a visit.
We (and millions of other people) moved here almost 30 years ago when the politics were just about pro-business not pro-white/christian. There are millions of normal, non-hating people here. All the large cities are reliably blue/Democrat. More people voted for Harris in Texas than they did in New York!
Oh, and if you are looking at buying a house, carefully study electricity, gas, home insurance and property tax costs. They make up a much larger chunk of housing costs here than in a lot of other states. Offset by no state income taxes, of course.
I have a good friend who moved from Baltimore to Houston about 15 years ago and has loved it. I hope you do as well!
My husband and I moved to Dallas three years ago from the Midwest, and love it here – so many transplants, diversity, food, weather, and not the toxic political environment the internet paints all of Texas as. Highly recommend a Texas adventure!
As a fellow Marylander – I would never leave for Texas haha but if you need a fresh start, go for it! You can always come back.
We’ve been trying for 8 years to have a baby. I’ve had six miscarriages, and my wife had one. Lots of IUI and a round of IVF. I stayed in a job that was asking too much without giving anything back because of the decent health insurance and family leave, hoping we’d have our baby. Finally, “I thought, well, this isn’t working”, so I should make a change. I quit, started a gardening business, and went to nursing school. My final semester starts on Sept 8, and our son is due Sept 4. Anxious about the fall, but so grateful that two new chapters are starting at once.
What a beautiful story. Congratulations! Your son will learn so much from his resilient parents 💜
I was in nursing school when my daughter was born. I was 29. I took off and joined the next class several months later. I didn’t want to go back because I loved being home with my daughter. BUT I have always been glad I finished because it is the most flexible career out there in my experience. It enabled me to work part time my whole career while still earning decent money because it pays so well. We never needed child care because of the flexibility. It’s a great career to have while raising kids. I’d have preferred to be home but it was the next best thing. I always said nursing is a hundred careers in one. So many options !! Welcome to nursing ! I’m 40 years in and have been so grateful for it.
After 15 years as an ER doctor, I was SO burned out. I’d have a heavy sense of dread driving to work each day. And at 45- with two kids and a very established life- I somehow decided the logical thing to do was go back into medical training for a hospice and palliative care fellowship. It meant missed kid activities, weekends buried in charts, and being back in “trainee” mode at an age when most people are long done with that. But honestly? As I wrap up this year, I can say it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I finally found my people and the part of medicine that feels like home to me. Turns out this is where my strengths really shine, and I feel happier and more myself at work than I have in years.
Good for you! Fellow doctor here who is so happy that you found your specialty and a way to stay in medicine.
Just want to say the palliative care doc who guided us through the end of my mother’s life was the finest physician I have ever met: clear, gracious, patient, specific, and kind. You are stepping into a space where you can meet people at their tenderest moments and genuinely HELP. Well done, you.
I have solicited pep talks in the COJ comments section on more than one occasion. What a gift you’ve given us all to have created a space where people can be vulnerable and held. And vice versa, being able to offer someone an encouraging word in this space, or say “me too” feels so good. A few weeks ago I commented that I am building myself up to leave an abusive relationship and while I am still in that limbo the comments I received were so supportive it brings tears to my eyes. Especially the person who said to share updates. I have no updates right now but knowing that there is a community here rooting me on means so much :’)
I have been there, too. Starting to write down, type out or say aloud your intention to leave is an important step forward on this path. And every step takes courage. Trust that people will be there to help carry you when you make the leap.
I have been thinking of you, Anon!! – so glad you piped in, even with a no-update update. Rooting for you — truly. Keep keeping us posted.
I commented on that post and have been thinking of you!!
Oh I’ve been thinking of you too! You’ve got this! I hope you’re leaving on your support to plan a way out. Thank you for checking in.
Another reader cheering you on! I’m glad you’re being careful as you plan towards the next chapter of your life. You are not alone, and it is so courageous to choose yourself!
Last fall, at the age of 43, I moved across an ocean for a new job in a new city, far away from anyone I knew. It was scary, and empowering, and reminded me that I can still change and adapt even in my forties. I’m calling this my “year of yes” – I’m saying yes to all kinds of new experiences that I would happily have turned down before because they were too challenging.
Guys – how are folks handling job searching right now? Especially with small kids?? I work in an environmental non-profit in DC, our funding has decreased dramatically after Trump’s cuts to our grants, and now international donors want nothing to do with US organizations (I don’t blame them). Anyway, I feel lucky to still have a job, but need a new one due to looming lay offs and other issues. But I’ve been looking and applying for about a year and haven’t even had a phone interview! And with little kids, I’m basically at work, then with my kids, then working on jobs after they go to bed and I’m exhausted!! Any thoughts on how to keep going without completely burning out would be very welcome! And if others in the environmental space are looking, at what point do we just like, change careers??? It might just be my location, there are so many DOGE casualties looking for work in DC still, but it is just absolutely brutal and it seems like it will be for years to come. Just ugh. Thanks for the rant.
I was an international aid worker pre DOGE. I’m retraining to teach history and am dipping my toe into curriculum development. Not that this addresses your core question but for me the answers was : it’s transition time
Fellow DC resident here. I’m so glad you’re still holding on to a job, and I’m so so sorry the search has been difficult. Two reminders: you are in very good company of brilliant, impressive people who are navigating a really difficult market. This in no way reflects your value or merit. And you should feel zero guilt around exploring other fields. Do what moves and inspires you, and you will bring your new skills back to the environmental space one day soon. Hang in there!
:'( trump had big impacts even in Germany in this sector. I don’t have a solution for you sorry, but feel your pain! At least people like the NY mayor are pushing for change
Ugh! The job market is terrible right now. I have a very qualified, experienced friend who has been looking for work for eight months – and have heard of many others in similar boats. I wish I had advice, but you’re not alone.
I have been there; it is impossible but it can be done. If you can break job hunting down into small achievable tasks, that really helps. Try not to spend any one Saturday, or any one night working on this. You will be SO drained. Working consistently on small steps helps while having to take care of kids and still work. So you can get some sleep, and not have to do this at 11pm, or 5am before they wake up. Example of small tasks: – draft bullets for your resume (no styling/laying out, just getting the content ready) – researching resume styles you like and can recreate – laying out finished content into the look you bookmarked – resume is now good to go – sign up for LinkedIn alerts on jobs, or something local – applying often and consistently is important. It helps if those posts are automated to you, so you don’t scroll and scroll and then before you know it you’re actually buying your kid rain boots or checking the sign-up list for school and you have accomplished nothing – have one great cover letter ready with fill-in-the-blanks, so when you see a job, you’re just updating the tailored words for that role – use the words in the posting in your cover letter – you can use your brain to be anxious, or to be creative! if you’re going to be in this job hunt, cheer yourself on constantly, even if it feels fake – think how lucky this next job will be to have you – remind yourself, the kids will be ok! our school has so many working parents – kids who stay until the last minute of after care, kids who get dropped off the minute before-care opens… they’re all doing OK wishing you so much luck!!
I’m in tech and was laid off a few years ago, got another job quickly but it’s one that’s very consuming and stressful. I feel like I have so little left between kids and work, and often not enough for either. I’ve been job hunting but it’s a brutal market out there. I don’t have much to offer in terms of suggestions but to say you’re not alone! Many industries are being upended and it’s so so hard!
Oh thank you all so much for the kind words and advice! It means a lot. It sucks, we are at a time when we need people working on climate change more than ever, but the funding just isn’t there :( And Jen I’m sorry you lost your job to DOGE, I have many friends who did as well. The work you did was important and mattered, and I’m glad you are finding new meaningful work. Heartbreaking to think how close we were to just having a normal 4 years, instead of the utter chaos and destruction Trump and his voters have delivered. Solidarity to the many others impacted by this selfish, stupid man.
Since second grade, I have wanted to write a novel. And somehow, I always let life get in the way. I would still write—mostly journal entries and poetry—but never gave myself the space for a novel. Well, this year I turned forty and thought, “If not now, when?” And then I did it. I fully devoted myself and wrote an entire novel. And it was hard and wonderful and it stretched me in ways I didn’t know I could be stretched. Maybe it will be published someday, maybe not, but I’m just really proud of myself either way.
Cheers to you Elizabeth! So inspiring!
Way to go, Elizabeth! Thanks for sharing.
Well done! I wish I could do the same! I have been giving myself a pep talk to do the same for the last few months but I am still in the limbos “one day I will”. Anyway this is a big achievment,congrats!
I love this, Elizabeth!! I’ve also always wanted to write a novel and have always found the same excuses. You’ve inspired me!!
I love this for you! I would love to do it (guess I should say I WILL do it one day) but it truly stands out as such a difficult and amazing feat. Even though I wrote creatively all the way through elementary and high school. I wish I could revisit that space I was in. Proud of you Elizabeth!!
A change to your hairstyle kicking off a whole new era is so real. I was laid off from a pretty toxic job at a shrinking company and almost immediately dyed my dark hair bleach blond. Fast forward a few months, I’ve stepped into a new role at a thriving company that feels so much more aligned (and higher paying!)
I was recently also laid off and went full blonde. My grays aren’t as dramatic as before, and I feel like a fresher version of myself. But it’s still a scary murky middle of job searching and interviewing and also trying to balance life with my new normal. I am trying to enjoy as much summer as I can while also navigating everything.
Two months ago I ended a 4-year relationship that was loving but too flawed for real joy. I have also ever so inconveniently recently met someone who meets me where I am in all the ways I wasn’t being met or heard or seen. I can read that with a stranger’s eyes and know how I might roll my own if I heard that from a friend. I know rebounds are something to avoid, as an eldest daughter who has *exquisitely* focused on doing every stage in life not just right, but REALLY right. But all that’s done for me recently is justified my floundering for longer than I meant to in a relationship while the eggs, I repeat, the eggs are dying. I do not think I need or want perfect reassurances anymore, and it occurs to me that removing that pressure from another person means they will have room to say exactly what they really mean. I walked away from a beautiful life and I feel grateful for managing (barely, awkwardly, painfully) the truth. How lucky am I to have just met someone who looks at me and says You are a seaworthy vessel & who can see that because he’s learned how to be one also. I’ve been sad and embarrassed and heartbroken and have also never felt so alive as I do now stepping away from what I tolerated because it felt like safety. My ducks are far from being in a row but we’re crossing the street & mixing our metaphors anyway. I’m lucky to be safe enough to imagine something extraordinary. I’m lucky whether this ends in marriage or one more brief chance to know love. Good luck to everyone!
So, so good. I can feel your joy. ♡♡
feeling this tension too rebecca, as I look down the end of one relationship and have my stomach do flips over someone else. it’s all “wrong” in so many ways, yes I know I need a break to heal, yes I know rebounding isn’t healthy, etc etc…but part of me is like “what if being loved exactly correctly is the best way to heal” and “why do I have to do the ‘right’ thing all the time, can’t I make a bad and unhealthy decision just this once” anyway I have no answers and seeing as I am still currently in the relationship to-end it’s all a bit far off but I’m definitely an eldest daughter in the weeds with you on this one!
Rebecca – “you are a seaworthy vessel” is a profoundly beautiful phrase. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing.
What a hopeful story! Keep us posted on how things turn out!
I am a little nervous saying this because I fear it may sound odd, and because this may be a non applicable idea depending on a person’s specific situation, but could you consider freezing some eggs so that the eggs dying thing doesn’t feel quite as acute? Also this new partner sounds so wonderful!
I recently graduated from college with degrees in biology and psychology, as a married mom of 2 at the age of 47. It took me 5 years to complete, since I started with only ten credits. I went to school while my kids and husband were home schooling and working during Covid times. Being a non-traditional student amongst traditional age students was humbling, frightening and so, so special. I went to a women’s college, as this was my childhood dream, and every day I would look around and feel so much gratitude and awe at how creative, confident and intelligent this generation is & I’m so proud to be amongst the class of 2026. When I walked across the stage to the sound of my girls cheering, I high fived little me in my heart—we finally did it!
Emerald, you must be so proud!
Love this – congrats!
Emerald, that’s beautiful. I can picture your last sentence perfectly.
I was hoping to read a comment like this, thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m also a fellow class of 2026 graduate! I went back at age 37, and now I’m graduating and turning 40!!
Thanks for this little cry you’ve given me, Emerald, and congratulations on reaching this hard fought milestone!!
I’m graduating tomorrow too! I got divorced in 2021, and my daughters will be cheering me on as a newly pinned RN at 37. Thanks for celebrating your joy with us. :)
Congratulations! I just competed my Master’s in Social Work at 48!! Congrats to you and me! It was hard but absolutely worth it. Midlife women rock!
At age 41, with kids age 6 and 2 and never having committed to any sort of creative endeavor, I just started junk journaling and it is giving me LIFE! My 6 year old son liked the look of it too so we do it side by side. It’s so low stakes, it always looks cool, and it’s the first thing I’m thinking excited to do every night just for ME. Anyway. Highly recommend if you, like me, feel creative but dont know how to actually do anything lol.
HOLY COW, Sasha!!! That is amazing! You are an inspiration. I’ve never been able to do ONE push up. Is it time I start really trying at age 41!?
OMG Erin G, SOB!!! I’m so happy for you! Had to pause reading these to send you so much love xoxoxoox
This entire post is a blazing fire of hope, ambition, confidence…just so freaking cool! Erin G, TEN rounds on your for a baby is a different kind of tenacity. Would love to see an update on the baby and partner of you’re up for sharing.
I decided to give any time anyone I knew asked for support. Kid’s sports team going to Vegas? I don’t get it, but sure! Church mission trip? Not my jam but it’s yours so here you go! Marathon training program fundraiser? Get it! Gofundme for your friend or mom or you? I’m in. I have set aside a certain amount in my monthly budget so sometimes it’s just $10. But I love that I don’t over think it and I feel like I am a little part of all these projects and lives.
I made a small line item for this too!!
Louisa this is so great!! At first I read this as though you were volunteering your time–as in, joining the Vegas trip and mission trip and helping organize the marathon training fundraiser. I was like, who is this woman and how???
This is awesome. Little change matters too!
Yes!! I do this, too! I have a bunch of regularly-occurring, automated donations to places with mission statements and good Charity Navigator ratings, but was the daily news was making me so anxious about not giving enough or not giving to the right places. I just round up to the nearest $100 each month and that ‘extra’ goes, first-come/first-served, to the coworker’s GoFundMe or the door-knocking Scouts or the guy pan-handling at the intersection. It’s not a lot but we all live in the shelter of each other and, even in this economy, you can’t take it with you!
As someone who’s been through divorce, I absolutely love this: “I had a good life where I thought my choices had been made. But it turns out, you can still choose.”
Katie me too to all of the above. That one really got me. Here’s to something beautiful on the other side for all of us
What a mood boost! Thanks for sharing the inspiration, I needed this today!
I made a huge, gut-based decision to leave my friends and family (my whole community!) in LA last year to move to Seattle. While I moved for a job (not a dream job), I mostly moved because I felt like that was where I should be… but then I started dating long distance, and traveling a lot for work, and somehow a year went by and I turned 30 in a place that doesn’t really feel like home. I’d like to think I made the right change, but many days I question the choice. Finding community here is HARD! Maybe I’m still going through the change :) All that to say — I feel very swept up in changes. And if there are any new friends out here in Seattle who’d like to meet up, I’d love that very much!
Meesh, just want to comment and say – in case this might be at all useful to hear, because it was for me – you can change your mind, if you want to! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. But. Know that a place can turn out to be wrong – even if you thought it would be right! – and you can pivot and move with zero specific reason other than you want to get outta there. Anyway, ask me how I ended up moving across the country in 2021 while pregnant and with a 2-year-old in tow… and then moving all the way back across the damn country again in 2023 with a 2-year-old and 4-year-old… We thought the new city would be our HOME! Well, turns out it wasn’t. And you know what was the hard part? It wasn’t the moving, it was the coming to grips with how we really felt out there, and plucking up all our courage to press on toward a better feeling over the horizon. A turning point for me was a friend saying, “You know it’s ok to change your mind, right? This city can be right in so many ways but just be wrong for you right now, and that’s ok.” So, I humbly and gently offer you the same sentiment – again, only if it might be helpful to hear! There is SO much to be said for getting hard-earned roots down, too. I’m 3 years into my new spot and those roots have been tough to send into the soil but oh baby, the tree of life is just starting to bear fruit in such a luscious way. I send you all my love and support as you continue to be brave in finding your very own, very special way. <3
As another 30 something who also circled back to a city that felt like home—after 5 years gone!! I can tell you that I am happy every single day that I came back. That doesn’t mean it’s right for you, but just another vote for it’s okay for your gut to change its mind! Maybe you think Seattle still has more for you, and that’s great, but I hope you listen to yourself!
My mom always said, “Nothing is written in stone.” I find it very freeing, and it’s given me peace when I’ve felt torn and afraid to reverse a decision that I’ve made. Good luck, cheering for you either way!
You can always move back if you want to!
It might sound silly but a few years ago I decided to start saying ‘yes’ to more things and it truly has made a difference. Yes to trying new things, yes to meeting new people, and yes to new challenges.
Love this, Rachel! xoxoxo
I’ve always been an anxious, creative person but moving countries, falling into jobs I didn’t like, getting married and starting a family meant I strayed further and further away from my creativity. My jobs kept getting more corporate and my soul felt more crushed. I turned 40 this year and kept thinking of the thing I had kept putting off and decided if I didn’t try now, I never would. With my husband’s support I quit my job to focus on art; it’s incredibly scary in this economy, but a huge weight has been lifted. Now I enter local art awards and group shows and have just submitted my first council grant application for a solo show!
Just reading this got me so excited for you, Amy! You’re inspiring!
Love this! I want to encourage folks to click on Amy’s hyperlink to follow her gorgeous work: https://www.instagram.com/byamyvitale/
About 2 years ago, as my kids were getting older (like finally all in elementary or older), I started playing tennis. I never had a tennis lesson and had just been a fan of pro tennis all my life (my dad loved watching tennis). I got better, took lessons and joined a tennis team. And I got so fit and made new friends. It has been amazing! And then in December, I developed a frozen shoulder (presumably from perimenopause) and I haven’t picked up a racket in months. I still have a hard time even walking by my tennis bag as I do PT and wait and try to heal. Its up and down- some days I feel like its improving and other days, I can’t even tie my hair up or sleep. I’m not sure when I’ll get back on the court but that will be the best day ever. And until then, I’m just trying to accept not just the good changes but also the bad, the complex and the natural parts.
Asha, I’m so sorry about your shoulder! I also had frozen shoulder and it’s incredibly painful and limiting. It took two cortisone shots and months of physical therapy for mine to unlock, but it’s better now and I have almost full range of movement. I’d really encourage you to pursue the shot/PT route if you haven’t. It will get better! Hugs.
Another frozen shoulder pal here. It is truly excruciating and very poorly understood by most doctors. It will pass, but here are two things that really helped me: 1) This pillow/sleeping arrangement. It seems like a crazy amount of pillows, but give it a try. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjGN8GlnbEw 2) And HRT. It doesn’t help everyone, but after going on HRT I felt like the Tin Man from the Wizard Of Oz when he gets unstuck. Just another possible tool in your kit. Good luck! Every day is another step towards being done with FS. I honestly didn’t think of the shoulder as anything that could spontaneously go haywire, so it was humbling to say the least. And now I can do a ponytail.
Still doing my daily push ups. I’ve been through so much since I started, and keeping that commitment was one way I just didn’t give up. And if I can do this, I can do that. Even when it’s hard. Because I (we) can do hard things. I’m amazed every day by women.
I love this one. I love youre still doing it. I turned 45 this year and I like this so much. Sasha, you rock!
What a sweet response Nicole! I hope 45 is going well for you!! I hope you have that thing in your own life that helps you keep going. We all need one.
Would like to share this (gift) article by Suleika Jaouad on surivivng cancer, as I feel it is very much related to life changes: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/26/well/cancer-fear.html?unlocked_article_code=1.kFA.PdMG.q8Pas3YJeUys&smid=url-share
Perimenopause has hit me like a motherfucker. I already grapple with extreme depression and body dysmorphia. The power of HRT, somatic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and creative writing have allowed me to process the myriad changes my brain and body are going through. Getting broken up with as a 50 year old woman was also challenging but I did spend more time with my women friends. The power of healthy and strong friendships is one of life’s joys. Best of luck to y’all with the changes that we face as living and breathing sentient beings :)
I can relate, so much. I’m 53 now, and things are so much better. Way too many things to list have helped, but the biggest thing – i just didn’t give up! You didn’t either. And things get better. Here’s to being happier, more settled, feeling better, loving ourselves and BEING FARTHER ALONG ON OUR PATH (aka getting older).
(I hate that I wrote “the power of” twice haha. So annoying. Can I blame perimenopause brain fog?! Or…just being an exhausted Gen Xer.)
Joaquina, your comment re “the power of” made me laugh and also want to give you a hug—I would also totally have been annoyed with myself if I did that, but, like, you know it’s totally completely absolutely fine, right? A lot of us go around being so so hard on ourselves about EVERYTHING (you and me both, I guess)! Here’s to THE POWER OF forgiving ourselves for being human, and celebrating ourselves for being brave enough to connect and participate in a conversation and actually get so many things right <3
I quit my job to spend more time with my little guy who is about to go off to 4k this fall. I find myself REALLY missing work but also enjoying the slow, unhurried time I have with him. We’re just settling into a schedule and I’ve gotten some space to take better care of myself – it’s such a soft, sweet break that I feel really lucky to have! I’m also struggling to keep the anxiety bees away… they are buzzing “what’s next? where will you work? when will you have a paycheck again?” I’m doing all I can to push them off, but I’m internally planning on going back to work in January, but with AI and the economy, who knows what “work” will look like! I’m doing my best to stay present, calm and enjoy the break because one way or another I’ll be back at work in a flash wishing for these long luxurious days. <3 to all those going through tough transitions – wishing you gentleness & ease.
Love how you called it “anxiety bees”. I was laid off in March after working 10 years at a company. I’ve been enjoying the time with my family and friends, but keep getting those “anxiety bees”. Like you, I tell myself to enjoy the time off because who knows what will happen in a month, season, or a year from now. And +1 to sending positive vibes to folks who might not be going through the transition as smoothly.
Last summer I began air-drying my hair amid the miserable SW Ohio humidity. To my utter surprise, I discovered my hair has incredible natural curl! I spend decades blow drying, straightening, using so many products, my hair was so unmanageable and frustrating. Also the blond highlights every 6-8 weeks on top of that. Now I go in for a cut every 3-4 months and just have some random highlights. I love it, it is so easy, I only have to wash it twice a week, and it honestly just feels like ME!