The Parenting Advice I Can’t Stop Thinking About
As a mom to three children in very different life stages (infant, toddler, and kindergartner), I’m always looking for tips on raising big families. I can’t stop thinking about the advice from poet Kate Baer, mother of four…
“Find the equalizers,” she told me. “My kids are a wide span of ages, from high school all the way down to first grade. This means we are limited in what we can all enjoy doing together. A few things on the list that work for everyone? Playing games (Frank’s Zoo, Up & Down the River, Skip-Bo), riding bikes, watching movies, kayaking, and shark-tooth hunting.”
Now, when we’re hanging out in the backyard, deciding how to fill the hours until dinner time, I think: Find the equalizers.
On Friday evenings, when the kids are bathed and we’re snuggled on the couch deciding on a movie: Find the equalizers.
Weekend mornings, when Max and I are lying in bed planning the day, whispering so we don’t wake the children: Find the equalizers.
After months of mentally noting which activities are equalizers and which are not (I’m looking at you, Frisbee), here’s what works for our whole crew:
– Hunting for acorns in the backyard and on hikes.
– Taking walks around the block to admire Halloween decorations.
– Visiting our 70-something neighbor and raiding his freezer for popsicles.
– Baking chocolate chip cookies (Evelynn participates by eating chocolate chips in her high chair).
– Watching Toy Story 5 (my kids love a sequel).
Nothing’s better than seeing all three kids content together. Thank you for the advice, Kate!
Playing at baby-friendly parks is another crowdpleaser.
How do you help your children get along and bond with one another? What are your family’s equalizers? I’d love to hear your insights.
P.S. Five ways to ease sibling rivalry and what’s your child’s bedtime routine?
Comments
141 commentsYES to this idea! I have lists on my phone for this – Activities for when I have both kids by my self, Activities for when I have both kids AND another adult, and a list for each child with activities that they like for us to do together, based on their interests and age. Keeps me from having to think of something to do in the moment and reminds me of things I’ve thought of that they may want to try!
Not related but wondering if anyone has had these feelings before… We recently decided after lengthy discussions to try for a second baby (we have a 3 year old- I’d felt ready for a while but it took my partner longer to get there). I am now 6 weeks pregnant but since finding out, I keep having panic attacks where my thoughts spiral about if this IS the right decision and why are we risking changing our family of 3. Logically I know we have discussed all of this and very happily came to this decision but this sudden onslaught of worry is really unexpected. I’m feeling guilty because it’s such a blessing to be expecting in the first place and I don’t really know what to do. Any advice?
Definitely understand. Our children are 5.5 years apart, so we really got comfortable as 3, but after awhile 4 became just as comfortable (after the newborn haze, and figuring out schedules). It takes time for muscle memory to form. With my youngest about to turn 5, I cant’t see our family in any other way. And in a few years my guess is you’ll say something similar :)
My guess is hormones! I experienced something similar when expecting my first. Now I’m newly postpartum with my second and again in that hormonal haze. I know it will pass but it’s hard! Hang in there!
You are anticipating that your current dynamic is going to cease to exist and part of that process is grieving the parts you will miss. Any decision you would have made was going to bring things that you really like and things that you don’t like. When I get panicky about a decision it’s usually because I’m secretly looking for the magic option that has no negative consequences.
i felt absolutely certain that i wanted a second child (as did my husband) and we STILL had so much worry about how our family’s dynamic would change. almost 18 months in, i can tell you it is hard and it is worth it. our daughters, while still siblings that can scream at each other (yes, already), have complete and utter adoration for one another. it’s the very best.
I can’t speak for you, but we were 100% certain and planned for a second child (went through great hoops). My oldest was 3.5 yo when he was born and in the months leading to his birth, I was mourning the rhythm and comfort of our family of three. Our little family felt so special and we had just started finding our footing as she was getting bigger. The little guy was such a little squish from the beginning, so much more cuddly than my first (who has gotten more cuddly because of him) that I couldn’t imagine my arms without him. My daughter was attached from the beginning, she hated to leave him for school and was so excited to see him in the car when I picked her up and just like that our family developed a new rhythm. Lots of changes and some things are much harder for us, but the love is endless. My hope for you is that hormones are taking over. The same way we prep our older children for the new baby, maybe you can do the same for yourself. I still LOVE when I get solo time with either child. I love both of them piled in my bed. I love how my second kid eats anything even when his sister says yuck all the time. My youngest is 3 and I’m just learning to schedule time for myself. My one regret is that I didn’t do that early on. When our second was an infant, my parents lived nearby, and they often watched him so we could continue special time with our daughter. Sometimes our daughter stayed with them while he followed my husband and I for day dates or happy hour. Maybe you can think about what you want to preserve. Sending hugs!
We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with cousins ranging in age from 3 -18 years old, and then aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. At one point we had to find something to do for ages 0-82. Keeping in mind it’s winter and the point is family time at our houses so we aren’t skiing, etc. We have found the following to be great for all ages: 1) Bowling (bonus if there is an arcade in the bowling alley) 2) Holiday movie marathon (stops the fights over what to watch as you know you’ll get 3-4 movies in and people don’t mind watching Home Alone or the Grinch as it’s deemed nostalgia in this context and not a movie for little kids) 3) Hibachi for dinner 4) SkyZone or similar trampoline place. There are usually little kid areas so the 4 and 5 year olds were able to come as well as older kids. 5) Indoor pools – my sister had a membership to a gym with a huge indoor pool and we all went for a whole morning over the Christmas holidays 6) Brewery that has lots of games
I have a 5yr old boy, 3yr old girl, and 1yr old boy/girl twins. I try to create hang-outs in rotating combinations …I bring “The Bigs” to a birthday party, I bring “The Littles” to the beach, I bring “The Girls” to the grocery story, I send “The Boys” to Home Depot with dad, I take 3 kids in the pool while 1 is at a playdate, I put on a movie and make a big deal that it’s “Kids only, no parents allowed!” I am really trying to create an environment where everyone belongs, at least within our house. I often think of a quote Michelle Obama mentioned her mom saying “It doesn’t matter if they like you out there, we like you in here!” (Will do my best to check in, in about 15 years, and let you know if it worked…)
Post-dinner dance parties! Every night as we clean up dinner, we turn on some music (we’re in an ABBA phase right now), and we dance in our dining room. We’ve taught the kids (3yo and 8yo) about dance circles, so we each take turns debuting a dance move that everyone has to copy. The 3yo’s go-to is spinning on his stomach on the floor. My 8yo’s go-to is moonwalking.
Just here to say, love the photo, so colourful and the kids are ADORABLE!!!
We all enjoy a good trivia game and a bit of competition, so we’ve started playing these two games daily – sometimes we work together, sometimes we compete and see who can get the best score! – krillion.io – a trivia game where the rarer your answer, the more points you get! But you only get 25 seconds! – maptap.gg – a blank globe and five prompts to click as close as you can to a random place
We also play maptap daily! My son and I play together (and he sometimes has better guess than I do), and we share our score with my sister, which is a low-key way to keep family connection present. Maptap also includes incredible facts about people and places in history for each location.
Card games are our family’s equalizer – euchre, rummy, 500 – it’s my favorite way to hang with my husband and three kids. My youngest is 12 and is a card shark bc she’s been playing since she was tiny. Recently, we have all gotten into mahjong as well! Something about playing mahjong with my 17 year old son makes me giggle and I love it.
Love this post! I have 4 kids, 0-9. The greatest equalizer I know is to pit them against you, kids vs grownups: a wrestling match, a card game (crazy eights and go fish), a board game, a chore competition, a calisthenics competition – parents have to do double what the kids can manage. Take them on a hike where they can all complain about you making them hike, it’s great 😅 The equalizer vacation I swear by is a roadtrip. We took our kids (then almost 2, 5, and 8) on a four state, two week roadtrip and it was magic. We were somewhere new doing something new every day and we didn’t make reservations more than a day or two in advance so we had flexibility. Hotel pools and lake wading, ice cream, Thanksgiving Point in Utah and the tournament of kings in Vegas were all hits with all of them.
Here’s one you may not have thought of: building with cardboard! The Make.do kit is an incredible. We have the one with the actual screwdrivers, it makes a great group gift for Christmas. Bigger ones can do the sawing and shaping and take suggestions. Smaller ones can color, decorate and tape. My kids and I spent a happy Saturday making Halloween decorations, and now when they ask me to buy something, my response is to send them outside and try to make it! We’ve gotten incredible castles and pirate ships and forts. Mine are 3 and 5 and it’s been over a year of fun. I got them a toolbox from the hardware store to keep all the parts in, plus paint sticks and colored masking tape. We also use some of the bonus accessories like hinges as stocking stuffers. Bar none the best toy in our house, and the other day my husband couldn’t find me and I’d been out on our terrace for an hour building by myself.
my kids are 9 years apart and are both in earlyish adulthood- We decided when the youngest was 18 we would forgo christmas presents and invite our kids and a friend/their partner to mexico for a few days between christmas and new years at an all inclusive get away… saved endless hours of shopping for things that no one needed… family time together was everything…. and we got to know their partners/friends in the best way. The only rule was dinner together- the rest of the time was yours.Yes it is a reach but it is so much better than any thing else we have done… I’m so happy that they still are all in 5 years into it…. The rule is that Ill keep it going until someone cries uncle… and then we will figure out what to do next- no pressure
Lou would you like another kid? this sounds so fab. experiences over another sweater any day!
I think this is my new life goal! The recurring schedule is brilliant, too; that’s like half of why me and my family don’t do stuff together often.
17yo – 15yo -15yo – and 8yo. The teens always have the best hangs. My youngest hates always feeling like the baby. Here are the family equalizers that work – library or local book store, going out to eat, family hikes, walking or playing with our puppy, swimming at the pool, out for ice cream, deck dinners in the summer, soup sundays in the winter, watching the local sports teams (live or on TV), kayaking, visiting local arboretums, cheering each other on at their extracurriculars, bonding over books. Board games and movies continue to be a challenge with the large age spread.
Walking (somewhere hilly preferably) works for all ages. Love doing that as a family but also with friends with kids ranging from teens to babies.
My kids are two years apart and polar opposites so they bicker a lot. When do they get along best? When they’re being naughty… together. They both know the lyrics to an annoying song? Great- they sing it together, loudly. One learns a new bad word? Perfect- she teaches it to the other and they whisper it until they can’t stop laughing. Time to clean their rooms but instead they’ve discovered that one particular fidget toy makes a farting noise? Tremendous- the rooms stay a disaster while they squeeze the toy until we’re late to leave the house. Follow me for more pro parenting tips 🫠.
Lol your house sounds full of love!
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For a variety of reasons I’m the mum of an only child. While I don’t have to find an equalizer among multiple children, I enjoy finding things that mty husband, almost 6yo daughter and I all enjoy. At the moment our common interests are family bike rides, pizza night, “Is it cake?” and water slides. Our next family vacay is based around water slide proximity and I can’t wait!
Right there with you on this one. We also love the Great British Baking Show and dogs. :)
Me too. For us, it’s Taskmaster (free you YouTube!) and tacos. :)
Yes, I think an adult only child commented on this back on a post about only children, but it’s crazy how my 5 year old son and I will fall into a rhythm when it’s just us and he will also have lots to do when it’s just him and my husband. (And my husband and I get along just fine by ourselves.) But, trying to find things for all three of us is difficult. I have been slowly convincing my husband to play games, though. We just started playing Monopoly, which I know sounds way too hard for a 5 year old. But, we don’t do any trading or buying from one another and we just decide on an end time from the start. We help the 5 year old pay his bills and he LOVES charging us when we land on his properties XD We’ve all been enjoying it quite a bit :) We also love long family walks and drives!
Fellow parent of an only child, and this definitely works for us!
Yes!! I never want to wish the time away but as my daughter gets older (9 yo now) there is a real pleasure in finding things that the 3 of us genuinely enjoy together. Right now we’re watching Once Upon a Time as a family- super campy, but I do not yearn for the days of Paw Patrol, I must say.
Totally agree that it can be tricky with an only child to find things everyone wants to do. You can’t just say “oh the kids are all going to watch a movie/play outside/do a craft” because there’s just one kid! So to keep her company we need to be involved, too. Thankfully now that she’s a big kid it’s getting MUCH easier. We’re not games people at all (we’ve tried!) but found some shows we enjoy together (we had a big Survivor phase, and blew through all the seasons of Abbott Elementary; most recently it was the new Little House on the Prairie). And our two dogs are hands-down the greatest equalizer for the three of us! We all can sit around talking to/about/for the dogs, playing with them, joking about them, etc. When our first dog died a couple years ago (after a good long life), we thought maybe we could wait a year or two before getting another dog . . . cut to 6 weeks later, we adopted two! It was just way too quiet and empty without them. It was illuminating to realize that our family system actually works best when there are dogs in the mix!
There are 3 children in my generation of our family with big age gaps over a span 23 years. We are all adults now and we are not close. It took me half a lifetime to realize that not being close to your family is totally fine. We have different interests, are very different individuals in terms of personality, and we just don’t enjoy doing the same things: an introverted gym rat who loves movies, an extroverted artsy nerd who doesn’t own a tv, and a socially anxious foodie who loves to shop. We see each other a handful of times a year now and still don’t have much in common. I wish someone normalized this when I was younger and an eager people-pleaser who tried desperately to create connection. If you’re like me, I hope you feel a little less alone.
Thanks for this! Mom to two neurodivergent kids and the equalizers are few and far between. We enjoy different things…that will just have to be okay.
I think that is a great re-frame 💕 what works for you all is working! We found it’s good to have a few reliable occurrences like holidays, birthdays etc
Would trust Kate WITH MY LIFE! She’s the best.
Once kids are a little older: Puzzles! I have a 7 year old and a 10 year old, and we often have a 1000-piece puzzle going that stays out for however long it takes us to finish. People can sit down and work on it as they wish, together or alone. Relaxing, conducive to conversation, and so satisfying to watch it come together as a result of everyone’s contributions. Also: The library!
I have two kids who are 2 years apart, and it is really wonderful. They really are able to do pretty much everything together. If we have a 3rd (unfortunately need IVF for any future pregnancies), there would be a 4-5 year gap between #2 and #3, and that has been really hard for me to accept. I know it’ll be fine, and sibling relationships aren’t guaranteed, but I just can’t wrap my head around potentially having a, say,16, 14, and 9 year old. How could that 9 year old possibly fit in with his/her older siblings?!? Also the thought of having a single child at home from 8-12th grade blows my mind.
Hi Elle, Replying to you because I also needed IVF to have a second child, and that journey took quite a bit of time. Long story short, I have a seven year age gap between my girls, not 8.5 and 1.5. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I cannot help but shout from the rooftops how incredible their relationship is, how easy it has been for big sis to love little sis and vice versa, and how fun it is to be with both of them. Also – having a baby was pretty easy with older sister around to help out. I can leave them in the bath now to play and eat popsicles while I catch up on clean up, etc. To me, for so long I thought I might not get to raise another, and now having my gorgeous 1.5 year old is such a huge light in my life.
Hi Elle, I’m just a stranger on the internet, but my “baby” sister is 7 years younger than me and 6 years younger than my brother, and the three of us were the best of friends as kids. There is a lot of imaginative play that benefits from having a littler person, and so much joy in teaching someone younger how to do something and do it well. That is to say, don’t let the age gap deter you.
Another stranger here, Elle! I had secondary infertility and like Sarah, needed ivf for our second (unsuccessfully – in the end it wound up natural… go figure) and we have an almost 9 year age gap. We’re only 6 months in and I do wonder what our future looks like trying to get two kid interests under one hat, but so far it has been amazing. The older one isn’t as threatened by the new arrival and is sweet and protective of his little bro. Which has been amazing given the older one’s neurodiversity. I too feel so lucky just to get to raise another one. I guess the age gap just is what it is, and we’ll deal with it!
I worried about this too but now that I have a 7 yo, 5 yo and a baby, I realize that the baby is actually the greatest equalizer! He’s hands down everyone’s favorite. Anytime my older two are fighting, things instantly get better when the baby gets involved. The age gap I worried about has turned into the greatest gift.
Stranger wishing you the best. My son is 5.5 and daughter is 11 months and things can change but that boy adores his sister. Shes so eager to join in with him and his friends. And a single at the end means you get a few more years before an empty home. Thats how my husband positioned it and actually now I’m so grateful that I don’t lose both so close together
Elle, if it makes you think differently, my sibs are 2 yrs apart, and I’m 4/6 yrs younger. I was the little sidekick and mostly got along great w them growing up, and the three of us are truly best friends as adults. But what I REALLY wanted to tell you is that when they were both in college, I was an “only child” for my 4 yrs of high school and LOVED IT! For me, it was the best of both worlds- I had the fun sibling relationships, got to visit them in college and have them back for holidays, and got all of my mom’s attention at the same time. My parents were divorced so it was just the two of us and we bonded so much! Anyway, there’s obviously no perfect spacing (and if there were, it’s not like most people can plan for it; as someone who has had multiple miscarriages, believe me, I know this), but I just wanted to share my experience in case it seems cheerier than you thought. :)
Another stranger on the internet but just wanted to chime in. Through choice not fertility reasons we have a 5 year gap between our middle and youngest (the older two are just two years apart). I too was worried about having a larger gap but a friend gave the best advice..having a larger gap to the youngest means EVERYONE enjoys the baby. This has proven so true and now with a 10 year old, 8 year old and 3 year old it’s so lovely to see all their individual little relationships and how the older two just dote on the youngest…most of the time :)
Very interested to read stories about age gaps. Our kids are aged 11, 9 and 7 but thinking of having a fourth baby (no fertility issues, it just took us a while to realise that we want a bigger family) but concerned about family dynamics…. not in the short run but rather when the oldest is 20 and the youngest is 9…
as the kid who became an only child after the older ones left, I loved the quiet and space. My siblings were 10, 9, 8 and 4 years older than me.
We have those same age gaps! Our oldest two are two years apart, and our third is 4.5 years younger than #2. We’re only 8 months in, but it’s been delightful. We have family friends with a similar age gap but about 7 years ahead of us, and I’ve actually loved thinking about what our family will look like at those age gaps. Sending you many well wishes on this journey!
Also stranger but have a third who will be home for 9-12 grade just us and already I’m looking forward to what I know will be a really special time of different adventures. And yes in the big ones just loving on the little one. Also—my sister is 6 years behind me due to death of a parent and a second marriage by my mom, and she is the absolute greatest gift I could have gotten as a kid and still now as an adult. Yes different stages, but that provides perspectives in different ways.
I have an 11 year old, a 9 year old, a 7 year old, and a 1 year old. After having my first three in nice two year intervals, it took us a lot of years and fertility treatments to have our last after a 6 year gap. I was so worried about “starting over” and not having a close age gap, but it has been so much better than I could have imagined. My older kids adore the baby so much; he’s like our family mascot. And at ages when they were starting to drift away and spend more time with friends, be less interested in family time, etc. he is like an anchor who pulls everyone back together after time apart. I’m sure there might be some hard times ahead (I worry about him feeling lonely at home when his older siblings leave for college) but right now the age gap has been so beautiful and I’m so grateful that we were able to have him at all. All that to say that you ought be really pleasantly surprised, and good luck to you.
*you might be pleasantly surprised, pardon my typo
Hi, Elle! I have two siblings: a brother who is 15 months younger than me and a sister who is 8.5 years younger than me. They are both my best friends! (Us older two are in our 40’s now, and the youngest sibling is in her 30’s.) Having a caboose sibling was truly magical growing up. We manned face-painting and snack duty at the little-kid birthday parties. We adored going to her little school programs. And wow, was holiday magic such a gift to us when we were teens and basically too cool for everything but still had a little sibling getting us SO excited to see what Santa Claus or the Easter bunny had dropped off. And the smile on her face when we would come home to visit and go to her high school basketball games. Fertility and family planning is SO tricky. (I know, I’ve been there.) But don’t let worries about a third being out of place keep you from doing something you want to do. A younger sibling is SUCH a gift to older kids!
Let me preface this to skip in case anyone dealing with infertility doesn’t want to hear about a massive family: my MIL is one of 9 kids. The youngest is as close in age to us as she is to my MIL, and some of them are very close, but not the ones you’d expect! There’s a cluster around the same age who are tight, with two of the oldest ones mixed in, but the ages range over more than 25 years. I’m of the opinion that all gaps are good gaps. My nana is one of 5 girls. The oldest was 18 years older. But she always felt close with her older sisters, and was close with her nieces and nephews, more so than with her sister who was only one year older! I really think fitting in will happen. PS we’re in the same situation waiting and hoping for the possibility of a third with quite a large gap
Hi I am also a stranger but my lil bro is 15 years younger than me, we’re both adults now and he is my best friend. I babysat him when he was little and now I tell him my life struggles, gossip about our parents. He confides about his finance and relationship, seek job advice from me, etc. He is also very close with my kids, they adore him. So I think age gap as siblings is kind of cool too actually.
My kids are currently 10,8, and 2. Both my own resistance to more children and then health issues led to the 6-year gap between my 2nd and 3rd. It’s not neat and tidy like other people’s Christmas cards, but I LOVE it. The third is truly a family baby, everyone adores him, and his older sisters were genuinely helpful compared to having a toddler around with a newborn. Of course, their adult relationships remain to be seen, but I think that has much more to do with family culture and parenting than age gaps. And I will admit that sometimes it’s challenging to feel like I’m meeting all their needs, which are so varied. But having an 8yo when my third was born gave me so much perspective that you just don’t have when you’re a new parent or just have a toddler at home. I had 8 full years of parenting experience to draw on and could rely on my own instinct rather than parenting “experts,” which made me more relaxed about some things and more committed to others. And honestly, 4-5 years at home alone on the back end isn’t that crazy. Many two-sibling pairs are four years apart! (Or do as I’m doing, and contemplate a fourth to keep your third company, haha.)
Hey Elle, another stranger from the internet here :) We have a similar situation as Sarah – 8.5 and 1.5 yo – and it’s great! I was afraid of the age gap too but our day to day life seems even easier than with siblings that are closer together. The two love each other and are incredibly creative in finding things to do together. In general, both are big on movement so we spend lots of time outdoors just running down hills, dancing or bouncing a ball around, riding our bikes or skateboarding (little one cheering us on or riding her balance bike). Collecting nature treasures or observing animals is also a winner! Yesterday, they came up with the idea to make piles of leaves for the hedgehogs to spend the winter in. Indoors, we build forts and tear them down ;), make obstacle courses or read to each other, even Lego sometimes works (not necessarily building things, sorting or disassembling also counts here). I just love them together!
I’m closer to my 4.5 year gap sibling than my 18 month one! And my 3 year apart kids are not that close, despite being boys with relatively similar interests. And I know kids who are only children but have friends they’re much closer to than most siblings I know. You just never know.
I’m closest to the sibling who is 8 years younger than me and least close with the one 2 years older than me. I also get along well with the one 4 years younger than me. Age gaps don’t matter as much as personalities and parenting!
Elle! I’m 30, and my siblings are 26, 22, and 17. Just another stranger adding her two cents to say that the age gaps has been wonderful and good, and we all love each other and are very close!
19 year old, 16 year old, and an 11 year old. Age gap between #2 and #3 was by choice because having the first two closer in age completely wiped me out and I thought I might be done having kids. Having the youngest that far apart was so much easier, I had sibling helpers and the older two were fairly independent. My kids are all close to each other in different ways, and I honestly do not think about the age gap all that much, and I really don’t think it’s that unusual either. Families come in different forms, shapes, and sizes and age differences are definitely not the main reason some siblings are closer to each other or not. I wouldn’t fixate on that, and I wish you good luck and good health with any future pregnancies!
Farmers markets are good for this! Everyone gets a snack, there’s usually live music and lots to see and do. Libraries are our other favourite. Or bath paint if it’s a home day (mix cornflour, food dye and hair conditioner to make paints). These all have the added benefits of being peaceful for the supervising parents.
I have 4 kids but they are pretty close in age so they all pretty much hung out together until high school when they were always either eating or in their room with the doors shut. :) They are in college now and enjoy seeing each other when they are on breaks so we enter a new phase. But my suggestion for equalizing is to get everyone COOKING. Everyone can get involved in some part of a meal. This combines another piece of wisdom I’ve picked up for the years- kids are much more likely to try eating something that they helped prepare. Since my kids got busy in middle school with first sports then jobs in high school, family dinners are always missing someone. So hubbie and I insisted that we all meet for 20 minute prayers (we say the rosary) before bedtime everyday. It often turns into more than 20 minutes of laughing about our days as everyone sprawls over a sofa or on the ground. But it’s been great for staying connected with each other. Before they left for college it was my favorite part of the day. <3
Family prayer is a great way for everyone to cultivate discussing concerns and joys, seeing others and their needs and helping process the beauty and brokenness in the world with your kids.
Love this. Hey COJ team, it would be great to see a post on the ways different families connect with each other through their religion/spirituality/love of nature.
That’s a beautiful ritual! I would also be interested in seeing a post about how different people cultivate spirituality in their families. My partner and I grew up Evangelical, but have since left that tradition. We’ve been exploring my Jewish heritage (which my daughter is very drawn to) and that’s been really cool but def feels like we are kind of feeling our way in the dark to find a path that works for us.
My kids are a little older (5 & 8) and we’ve been loving “roller skating party” in the basement. The 8 year old skates around, the 5 year old has a few different go-tos (chasing his roller skating sister when she’s game, jumping on the trampoline when she’s not, he’ll bring our bucket of fake food in and have a “store”, etc). We listen to 4 song picks from each kid—-I mostly DJ and supervise but it’s fun!
Would love a list of non-animated movies fit for all ages!
Seconded! My kids are 7 and 10 and the biggest hits so far have been The Princess Bride, The Parent Trap (Lindsay Lohan version), and both National Treasure movies (super silly but very fun). Would love other suggestions!
Hard Days Night. It’s physical comedy for most of it.
My kids love Homeward Bound, Matilda, and pre-recorded stage musicals and ballets.
Watched the Princess Bride with my 5 year old (I had told him the whole story already) and he said to me “Mom, that movie made my brain hurt.” So I think we will be waiting for 7 to try again!
Try Secondhand Lions. Lots of adventure!
Any and all of the Paddington movies!!
Austin Kleon has a great list on his substack – he’s been doing family movie nights for years with his now tween kids. Mine are a bit too small still but I’m excited to start in a couple of years!
The ones my whole family would happily watch: High School Musical (1-3) and Secondhand Lions. And yes, both National Treasures! I remember the Muppet Movie being fun, too.
My kids love Homeward Bound
I’m always looking for these with my nieces and nephews (now ages 7 up to16), because they always want to watch their favorites, which is also fine, but I try to get them to sneak in a few that are new to them. Surprising hit? Singing in the Rain. Might just be this bunch, but I find after about age 10, they like feeling like “adults” and watching “grown up” movies (ones featuring adults, but still appropriate for kids). Also leans a little older, and definitely hasn’t aged super well, but Master of Disguise blew their minds. They “turtle turtle”d for months, cracking up. We’ve also tried some old Disney Channel movies, Mary Kate and Ashley (the boys hate these lol), and some deep cuts like Slappy and the Stinkers and Paulie.
How about “Babe?”
We all loved Air Bud and Air Bud: Golden Receiver! They hold up. And for my kids, understanding that the dog was really doing the tricks was mind blowing (same for wishbone). Roger’s & Hammerstein’s Cinderella and live recordings of The Nutcracker were also hits. The Christmas Chronicles. And we love watching PBS on the app, my kids are really into Rick Steves.
My kids are 7 and 9 and love Air Bud. Great for animal lovers and has some 90s nostalgia for the parents. George of the Jungle is also a hit (Brendan Fraser), Beethoven, Mrs. Doubtfire
We love Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Narnia. Also Nights at The Museum, Home Alone, and Jumanji.
Bedtime Stories
Good for hikes or long drives: describing your dream house. Anything goes!
Loving this post and all the replies so much!
We cut a large piece of butcher paper and tape it to our floor or coffee table and let everyone go wild with crayons, markers, and watercolors. Sometimes I’ll draw one item first to help launch them (eg I’ll draw a small jellyfish and then the kids will run with an under the sea scene – I’ve found that it helps them think of fun things to create when there’s a theme). Lots of fun for 1.5, 4, and 7, and they’re usually very proud of the final piece!
Love this concept. I am moving in with my partner this fall to make a blended family with my 13 year old daughter and his 15 year old son. While they are pretty close in age, being different genders and one in middle and one in high school, the gap feels bigger than it may appear. Suggestions or advice from other families with this age/gender type of mix on successful equalizers?
I don’t have teen equalizer advice, but I do have step parent advice : do the things you enjoy. My stepdaughter and I now crochet, read, and throw rocks together (we throw rocks in a stream on hard days). I suck up a little by reading the books she is reading, but also I let her see me genuinely enjoy what I enjoy which is better than just trying to find things I think she might like
I have not been the parent in a blended family but growing up as the kid in a blended family I always appreciated when my parents and stepparents cultivated but didn’t force family togetherness. And I also wish they would have worked on some of their own baggage in therapy rather than letting it affect us (my stepmom would always make comments comparing my stepsister and me—still does—and it’s really hurtful). Just the fact that you’re here asking for advice shows humility and self awareness though so I’m sure you’ll do great! Oh, and this is probably not what you want to hear, but nothing unites stepsiblings like a common enemy…hopefully it won’t be you and your partner. My stepsister and I never got along but now we bond over a shared loathing of Trump, ha ha.
Love this advice my! It’s true of smaller families too . Our great equaliser has been our dog. She’s been wonderful.
We have 9, so teens-to-tots and big seconds to: family walks, read alouds, bike rides, coloring, and baking…I must add, perhaps a boring sounding equalizer is..a family blitz cleanup! Some can spray and wipe things, some can run the laundry cycle (wash, switch, put away), sweeping floors, general decluttering. The key parts are to make sure everyone has an appropriate level of job/s, not to add to the list once it’s made, let everyone add their picks into the music that will play, and once done, celebrating! We have also managed once or twice to do a family nap/quiet time on a Sunday afternoon, and friends, an 11 person all-still moment is just lovely.
I am SO FASCINATED by the logistics of large families and would love to hear more about what your day to day life looks like! Does the whole family eat together? What size vehicles do you have? How do you handle grocery shopping and meal prep? Are you able to take family vacations? Are friends able to host your entire family for get togethers? How challenging is it to take the family out to dinner? Thanks for anything you’d like to share!
Colleen, do you know “The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes”? I was imagining all the little bunnies in that as I read about your cleaning blitz. The mother bunny teaches all her little bunnies to keep house for her– very cute book. :)
WOW. 9, that’s incredible. What kind of transportation do you use? So many questions. I know families of this size used to be super common (my dad was one of 9 and my MIL was one of 8), but I would love to a post on the logistics of a family of this size. How many kids per room? How many bathrooms? Do you manage one-on-one time with each kid? How do you remember anyone’s name (I have an only kid and when we are with my 3 nephews, I can’t get anyone’s name straight)? What are meals like? What about finances? Even just a week-in-life of someone with this kind of family would be super interesting!
For those curious about large family logistics, Rachael Ringenberg has a fascinating substack series about just that: https://rachaelringenberg.substack.com/
I would love a family this big… my best friend is the oldest of 8 and I have always admired their family dynamics. All 8 children now have at least 5 kids (and counting) so they all clearly loved it as well.
Hello👋! We have 9 too- ages 21 to 1 month. I second your suggestions and will add playing with clay/playdoh, cooking hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire, and going to botanical gardens and art museums (often free for kids and packed with activities) on vacation.
A few answers! Most nights yes, we do family dinner (it’s chaotic, and often hilarious. We have to pay attention to who is skipping veggies and hasn’t gotten to chat yet). We are finishing up our busy sport season for the oldest 4. The Middles get to do a special activity in the spring. Littles are happy to cheerlead for them, and once older, can join something. We chose to delay extracurriculars til 4th-6th ish grade. We have 1 fridge and 1 very small extra freezer; I grocery shop once a week (we do not have big milk drinkers, I think that would change things if we needed more than 1 gal/week). We have many more girls than boys, and soon (we are very excited, it’s been a long DIY road) we will go from a 3 to a 4 bedroom house, which will allow us to have a parents’ room, big girls’, little girls’, and boys’ room. Right now most of the girls are in the biggest bedroom with a creative combination of bunks etc so that everyone has their own space. Made me laugh, yes we gather with friends and go on vacation; we or they have been in different budget seasons when it was potluck/dessert only, other seasons not. Same for vacations–but it turns out that we really like camping, so the budget has just gone toward nicer/more gear. I know our life is not for everyone for many different reasons, chosen or unchosen, but we’re working hard not to parentify the older ones, not to ignore anyone, and to have fun along the way, even when it’s tiring, busy, or a tight budget season.
Once everyone could read on their own, we started calling for a FAMILY READ! Everybody can get cozy reading their own thing, all in the same room. Snacks are a bonus, like a school readathon! After years of nightly readalouds, it felt so exciting to still be winding town all together before bed while finally getting to read my own damn book… But now I miss reading things out loud together, so might have to bring that back.
Mine are close in age and cannot yet read (4 and 6) but we have been doing Saturday and Sunday morning reading time! We get cosy for an hour and they listen to an audiobook together (Dragon Masters or Magic Treehouse are current favorites), while my husband and I read. It’s lovely.
I wonder if Radio Plays could be fun for you guys? I grew up listening to old superman radio serials my mom got at the library and the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy. BBC radio has incredible shows. I love Cabin Pressure (Benedict Cumberbatch! Roger Allam! Anthony Stewart Head!)
Love this so much! I only have one kiddo, but I’ve found that “gardening” is something she’s loved at every age—even when it meant plopping her in the dirt and letting her find some worms. Worth adding this to the list as an equalizer. She’s four now, and she helped my husband install some French drains under our garden beds this week.
LIZ! Are you the “Three Graces of Pearl Street” Liz?? I just finished and LOVED that book and everyone should read it!! (Fellow VT resident here too!)
I will have a 4.5 year old and a newborn next spring (assuming all goes to plan) so eagerly following for ideas!
My son was a month shy of being 4.5 when my daughter was born. They have a mutual admiration and it is one of the coolest, sweetest things to witness. They are 6 and 1.5 now and she is mostly into everything he is. Scootering, listening to her big brother read to her, playing hockey and basketball. They have their tough moments, but gosh it makes my heart swell watching the two of them together.
Going on a neighborhood walk with a garbage bag and trash grabbers from Amazon! A hit for all generations. Kids can even do it from roller blades or a scooter if their pace will hold up the group.
I have a 5yo and a 1yo, which feels like a big gap in our current stage of life. Our equalizers are: – family dance parties – magnetic tile blocks – the aquarium – McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A meal – just straight up running in the backyard – chalk on the driveway – and, yes, beach-combing and shark-tooth hunting (we are on the NC coast, and my 5yo recently found his first really big shark tooth – he was THRILLED!)
I submit Family Read Alouds! It’s free, screen-free, and has been such an equalizer for us. There are so many wonderful books that appeal to a wide age range (Charlotte’s Web, The Wind in The Willows, Redwall, Harry Potter, Holes, Lord of The Rings!) and individual family members can draw or knit or just snuggle down while you read your nightly chapter. I’ve found it to be so bonding and older kids don’t seem to mind repeats because it’s been months, or years, since it was last read. I have visions of transitioning to non-fiction as my kids get even older and letting that lead into family discussions of justice, politics, race, religion, etc.
I absolutely second this! I am one of five (very spread out age wise) and we all have fond memories of my mother reading aloud to us. Also audiobooks in the car for long journeys, we often quote our favourite ones even now on my family group chat!
I love this!
Going on a walk/hike anywhere near water. Birdwatching/nature for the 13 year old, throwing rocks/sticks into water for the 10 year old boy, and collecting nature for the 6 year old. Plus exercise and movement for all! And a lot of times we end with a treat :) I’ve also taught them all to play Hong Kong style mahjong, so we’ve been enjoying that as a family.
With a boy and a girl 3 years apart, with extremely different personalities, when they were both in high school I would hand them money and tell them to go have some MOD pizza for dinner :)
hahaha so cute
As a former theatre teacher—a letter from a character with a problem to solve can really rally across age/interest differences! Like a letter from the mayor the next town over—they’ve been inundated with frogs, what do they do? Or a mysterious-looking piece of jewelry with a letter from the past and a mystery to solve. Creating a story for them to step into and take charge of can be very magical and lets everyone work at their own pace (one kid draws the “no frog” signs while another researches frog abatement strategies; another collects every stuffy they have to guard the door!). I’ve thought for years about starting a substack with these kinds of prompts—waiting for my own kiddos to be old enough to test them out with siblings. But they’ve always worked so well with mixed aged classes!
Omg CK this is SO fun! I love this!
I absolutely LOVE this! How fun!
Oohooh CK please spill, whats a good prompt? How does it end? Tips? This sounds awesome
Oh my gosh this is awesome! Would love this substack. I run a weekly mixed age homeschool co-op and always looking for ways to get everyone working together.
Shark tooth hunting?
Kate and her family take an annual vacation to Florida and they like to look for shark teeth on the beach there, isn’t that great? She talks about it in her house tour :) https://cupofjo.com/2025/12/11/kate-baer-house-tour-pennsylvania-poet/
My partner came to the family beach week with me this summer. I’m from NC (where we vacationed), he’s from CA. My sister walked up with some shark teeth. He thought she was lying. “Why are they black?” “Why are they here?” “Are there that many sharks in the water?” “Why aren’t there other fish teeth?” — Apparently the west coast doesn’t have shark teeth and I have no knowledge of shark tooth trivia.
I grew up in NC and my grandparents had a beach house so we grew up combing the beaches for sharks teeth, sea glass, and skate purses. I moved to the West Coast as an adult and the beaches here have none of these things. As a child I recall finding several sharks teeth each beach trip, and my grandma had a hollow glass lamp filled with our finds. I miss those NC beaches…
Any ideas for equilizers for teens- we have a 13 year old boy and 16 year old and our falls backs are dinners out, and movie nights. Further complicating the equation is that most day hours are filled with work/school/sports so our family time is typically limited to evenings. I would love to add more low/no cost options to this list.
Growing up, my family did weekly full-family walks on Sunday afternoons. We had a 9 year range across four kids. Sometimes we’d bring a football to pass back and forth as we walked. It was a great equalizer plus fresh air and exercise.
We have 16, 13, and 9 years old and yes to dinners out—we recently decided to do a “restaurants we have never been to” challenge; movie nights where everyone contributes their 3 movie choices to a jar and we draw 3 and vote until the jar is empty; game nights (again with a voting system); and Mario Kart or Just Dance on the switch. Family hiking and paddling as well. All my kids do the same sport, which is a huge equalizer too.
Our neighbors across the street started skateboarding together! The mom has a longboard, everyone else has a skateboard, and they ride to the park. I got to ride the longboard 3 feet down my driveway while my neighbor was holding my hands and it was so fun :)
We have a 17 year old and a 14 year old, and surprisingly bowling has been a big hit, especially on days when the weather is meh and we need to get out of the house. No one is good at it, it’s low stakes but out of the norm, and there’s chicken fingers :)
Board games and card games? (With favorite snacks!)
We got a tub of Tillamook ice cream each Sunday evening. We went through all the flavors alphabetically and each made an individual ranking.
When our kids entered the tween and teens, a huge success has been YouTube sharing nights when everyone gets to pick videos to share. It’s cool to see what they are into and there have been some surprising content creators that thrill everyone. Sometimes people complain about someone else’s choice, but they are shorter than a movie (OMG getting our group to settle on a movie is horrendous) and they are excited to show off their pick, which maybe others aren’t interested in either, which IMO is a good life lesson. Some that play well in our house for everyone are Ok Go music videos, Daily Dose of Internet, Studson Studio, and Tasting History. Ditto food trials with rankings and Mario Kart (it was well worth buying the extra controllers). As they’ve gotten older and busier, I find game nights a harder sell than when they were late elementary (those were GREAT days!). But I find that while it takes some arm twisting to get started, they have a good time once we’re going. Spicy Uno works well. They don’t feel like they are making a huge time commitment at the start, and the more involved rules works really well for the older crowd. Scattagories also has gone up in popularity at this age. Going out for ice cream, boba, smoothies, etc – especially to a place where we can walk around in the evenings.
Our family is really into Flip 7 right now, even the teens. It’s a card game at Target for >$10. Simple and you can throw it in the purse/bag/care to play at a restaurant while waiting for your food.
Something we have done to help them bond is create “sister team.” They even have a rhyme “Sister Team Is A DREAM!” that they shout to eachother. The younger one will yell BEANS instead of dream and everyone laughs. In all things they are the team. How do you guys navigate when one child enters puberty and wants more alone time? It is making the younger sister so sad. She wants to PLAY and the older child wants to CHILL. So far we have been having more playdates but it is a definite transition.
My middle (now 21) taught the baby (now 11) how she likes fer feet and back rubbed. It becomes sacred. Big sis lets the little breathe her air, little sis has to be quiet so that the spa ambience is not disturbed. Manipulative and self serving? – yes. Do I buy pricy, “special” spa things (lotions, headbands, etc) to keep it a thing? – Also, yes. Because baby sister will hit her preference to be alone any minute now and I want to make sure their bond holds.
That was a big transition at our house too. We started finding things that they liked doing together, and also had talks with them both, encouraging the big one to spend time playing, and offering support for letting her have space as well. We found cooperative video games, like It Takes Two and Unraveled were really enjoyed as well.
Yeah, it’s hard! Our youngest really struggled. One thing that helped was scheduling the group activities so that the older kids could mentally prepare for this thing that was definitely happening and the younger kids could at least know that something was eventually going to happen. Another, if you aren’t already, is to ban phones and individual screens from bedrooms. That resolves a lot of issues with screens, but it also helps that they older need to leave their rooms periodically. IME, their instinct to hide in their own space can be stronger than the instinct that tells them they need to get out and about for their own mental and physical health. Third is to find new things to do. It can be hard to give up old favorites, but offering some fresh family activities that appeal more to tweens helps. If you’re struggling for suggestions, pay attention to the activities of families where the youngest kid is the age of your oldest kid.
I am the younger sister and totally remember this when my sister went through puberty. It was hard and sad at the time, and then a few years later I understood, and we are still super close to this day.
Perfect timing for this post! Due to secondary infertility, my two kids ended up with a pretty big age gap, 6 years. They are now 11 and 5. The playground is not an equalizer for us anymore, but bike rides, some board games, Mark Rober/crunch labs, walking the dog, playing at the creek, and decorating for holidays bring everyone together.
Mud Kitchen! My children (age 6 and nearly 10) have played with this making a cafe or potion lab for the past eight years. They love it! Other things they both have loved for many years include den building in the woods/park, costumes, baking, and audiobooks. We also play games like guess the animal a lot.
I have 4 kids ages 9 years old down to 21 months. I was just suffering through this yesterday! It is so hard to go out and spend family time because someone is always complaining that they do not like what we are doing. Finding equalizers is TOUGH. I think our main equalizers involve water – swimming, beach days . . . Looking for other ideas! We get so little time to spend all together as a family, would love for it to feel less like a game of musical complaining.
A few years ago we started climbing as a family at an indoor climbing gym. And it’s a whole family equalizer! My husband and I are challenged as well as our pre/teens and elementary aged kids. It’s awesome. Same with other individual sports: biking, swimming, skiing. We are all doing the same thing together but at our own levels. It’s awesome.
I would concur with this. The span of ages for my kids (high school down to elementary) makes it difficult to do things like watch movies. My high schooler does not want to watch what is appropriate for the baby of the family (and she, as a consequence, has started to watch things that I never would have let the older kids watch…). I found it much easier when my kids were young like Janelle’s but finding the equalizer has become infinitely more difficult as my older kids have matured. But all of my kids have gotten into fishing, and they can all work together on this. We also started doing cross-fit as a family. Even though my youngest is still too young, the oldest ones and the parents can. She gets to hang out and watch cartoons while we work out. Since cross-fit is ultimately a scalable activity (anyone can do it based on their own level), it works out great for our varying athletic abilities.
Seconding individual sports! We are a family who likes to ski, sail, and hike. We’ve been hiking with our kiddos since they were 3 months old! Also adding astronomy to this mix. We love looking at and charting stars. The joy on a toddler’s face when they find the summer triangle in the warm night sky still makes me misty.
Yes to this! My older one (12 yo) is a competitive rock climber, but her brother (7 yo) really got into it too when he joined the rec team. We even go outdoor rock climbing as a family now (we live in southern California with Joshua Tree and other cool climbing spots near by). Rock on (pun intended!)